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  #121  
Old 05-09-2011, 05:25 AM
scramcity scramcity is offline
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Default Back to the idea of gay-schmay

That's my term for bouncing all over Kinsey 6 and back. My new question is about love types. Do those of us with a very gay history have a difference in how we love - or the depth of feeling we have- for new loves of other genders? Having two people now, I have a feeling of difference but articulating the way the difference manifests is difficult. How do other describe this ?
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  #122  
Old 05-09-2011, 02:49 PM
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.... I have a feeling of difference but articulating the way the difference manifests is difficult. How do other describe this ?
Heck if I know! But I know what you mean. It's different. Not less or more, just different.
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  #123  
Old 05-09-2011, 08:32 PM
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Default Gender/orientation imbalance in poly

Getting back to an old topic (and I readily confess I haven't read the whole thread), I wonder if this is similar to what others have seen in their local poly community.

1) Bi/pansexual women form the largest constituency of poly. As per bisexual men, bi women have the largest dating pool; they can potentially partner up with straight men, bi men, bi women and lesbian women.

2) Straight men are close seconds to most commonly found poly peeps (and for the sake of argument, I'm pretending that there are only two gender identifications and three orientations available, and that they are mutually exclusive). However, their dating pool is much smaller, and consists only of straight and bi women. And as we have already learned, even though bi girls are the most numerous, there is a lot more competition for them.

3) Gay guys are almost non-existent. Why is that? I can think of three possible reasons;
a) There is more or less overt homophobia in the community.
b) Gay guys are more often to be found in open/swinging relationships vs. poly.
c) With a gender imbalance in favour of women and straight men being so prevalent, gay guys don't have a much of a dating pool to speak of in poly circles.

So, there is a dearth of straight women compared with straight men in the community, and a definite dearth of gay guys. Is anyone else seeing this?
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  #124  
Old 05-10-2011, 12:15 AM
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Originally Posted by scramcity View Post
That's my term for bouncing all over Kinsey 6 and back. My new question is about love types. Do those of us with a very gay history have a difference in how we love - or the depth of feeling we have- for new loves of other genders? Having two people now, I have a feeling of difference but articulating the way the difference manifests is difficult. How do other describe this ?
I come from the opposite end... was in a hetero marriage for 30 years, and now have been partnered with a (trans)woman for 2. There's a huge difference in living with a woman than a guy! We're both girls! We do girl stuff! She's real femme and I'm in the middle, I can go femme (into fashion, interior design, arts and crafts, cooking and other girly stuff), and since she was raised as a boy, we also share some traditionally masculine interests, such as camping and hiking.

However, the biggest difference I have seen as compared to my ex is my gf's communication skill. She is just so much better at talking things over without getting huffy or trying to just "fix" something. She is much more open emotionally.
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  #125  
Old 05-10-2011, 08:22 AM
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So, there is a dearth of straight women compared with straight men in the community, and a definite dearth of gay guys. Is anyone else seeing this?
Interesting. As a straight woman, I definitely see myself as a minority on these forums and at the few poly gatherings I've attended. However, I'm not sure there really is a dearth on the macro level. I'm thinking of the polygamists with all those sister-wives, aren't they straight? I don't know enough about those communities. BUT mostly, I wonder if straight women are just more quiet about it. Bi and gay women have, perhaps, more experience in fighting for and being vocal about expressing their sexuality, living out loud about it, and being ready to rock the mainstream boat. I have a feeling there are lots of straight women in poly situations that do not feel the need to be an activist or join a community, and so we just don't hear from them as much. They're just getting on with... getting it on. I think that it is most likely that the majority of straight women in polyamorous relationships would be involved in Vees, Quads (where it's more of a "wife swap" than everyone being sexual with each other), or just living solo with several loves in their lives.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 05-10-2011 at 08:26 AM.
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  #126  
Old 05-10-2011, 01:57 PM
Vivien Vivien is offline
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My observation has been that a lot of gay men who are polyamorous aren't active in the poly community, so they look underrepresented in polyamory.
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  #127  
Old 05-10-2011, 02:04 PM
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Yep, very much true. A specific subset of people in consensual nonmonogamy are attracted to poly, and an even more specific subset are hanging out on forums like these.

I read an interesting article on how some people might lack sexual orientation alltogether. I don't mean asexuality, but that some people (the argument of the writer was that more women than men lack sexual orientation) don't have a strong gender preference, in that they would be attracted to the female/male form in general, or desire sex with a man/woman specifically. So a heterosexual woman would go 'Oh, I just really need a man right now', a bisexual woman would check out both guys and girls at work, and a woman with no sexual orientation would really rather desire intimacy/sex on a more general, abstract level, or only with specifically their current partner(s). Women in the last group would not understand magazines like Playgirl at all, even if they had male partners whom they enjoyed being with.
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  #128  
Old 05-10-2011, 06:14 PM
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RfromRMC RfromRMC is offline
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@ Scramcity: I dunno if gender has as much to do with it. Both my partners are men yet I love each in very different ways. And I'm sure each of them could say the same. No two people are alike in how you fall in love with them.


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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
3) Gay guys are almost non-existent. Why is that? I can think of three possible reasons;
a) There is more or less overt homophobia in the community.
b) Gay guys are more often to be found in open/swinging relationships vs. poly.
c) With a gender imbalance in favour of women and straight men being so prevalent, gay guys don't have a much of a dating pool to speak of in poly circles.
Mostly (b) really.

I think I mentioned this elsewhere but my observation is that most gay men see things as one of two extremes---either you're in a 100% fully monogamous couple, or you're completely sexually open with no boundaries.
For many gay men...this in-between zone of being in love with multiple partners yet still having a level of open/honest commitment & devotion to them all---is a strange Grey Area that they just don't quite understand or feel comfortable with. They'd rather things be more black and white.
And this is very ironic seeing as I'm convinced most gay men would probably benefit from open and honest polyamory! (I know now I could never go back.) I wish more of them understood it better.
Oh well!

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Originally Posted by Vivien View Post
My observation has been that a lot of gay men who are polyamorous aren't active in the poly community, so they look underrepresented in polyamory.
I agree with this too. We've visited our local poly group some, but it's sporadic at best. Most of our friends are still in the gay community and while we felt very welcomed at the poly group, we certainly stood out quite a bit. (Not to mention some of their meeting topics didn't apply to us...like the "Poly with Kids" discussion...LOL!)

Last edited by RfromRMC; 05-10-2011 at 07:14 PM.
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  #129  
Old 05-10-2011, 07:26 PM
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I think I mentioned this elsewhere but my observation is that most gay men see things as one of two extremes---either you're in a 100% fully monogamous couple, or you're completely sexually open with no boundaries.
Perhaps you were being too quick when writing that, Rfrom. Or maybe that's been your experience, as said. But my observation is that [American] gay men are somewhat infrequently sexually monogamous when coupled up, while very frequently emotionally monogamous while sexually non-monogamous. Many of the latter also practice DADT (don't ask, don't tell) regards their casual sex adventures.

One sad result of this situation is that only a small(ish?) minority of gay men are actually available for what I call full spectrum intimacy (relating with people in a whole and rounded way which can include sexual intimacy), while ever so many are available for NSA (no strings attached) casual sex. It's sad because it leads to loneliness. And all of the hot sex in the world can't fill that void.

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And this is very ironic seeing as I'm convinced most gay men would probably benefit from open and honest polyamory! (I know now I could never go back.) I wish more of them understood it better.
I couldn't agree more. But almost all of the men in question seem to believe that "true love" is exclusive and dyadic. This is unsurprising, given the songs, movies, novels and other forms of relationship propaganda (mostly hetero, of course).
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  #130  
Old 06-25-2011, 10:54 PM
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Same sex couples now have the legal right, and ability, to marry in New York state! Yay!
I hope this trend continues.
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