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  #1  
Old 01-03-2016, 10:59 PM
Starfish1 Starfish1 is offline
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Default Can Mr. Poly be Satisfied in a Mono Relationship?

Thank you to those who suggested that I begin a new post on this topic, so what follows was previously submitted as a reply to someone else....

The post that caught my attention asked:
Does anyone out there know of people who know that they are poly and are happy in a mono relationship, despite knowing it's not...who they are, so to speak?
Although I had never heard of polyamory until perhaps 9 months ago, I am beginning to wonder the very same thing. In trying to understand polyamory, I have read many of the blogs on this site and others and have come to notice that the majority of those who engage in the poly lifestyle seem to be "hard-wired" for it to a degree just as one may be predisposed toward homosexuality. Based on a Kinsey-like scale proposed by several authors with 1 being totally monogamous and 6 being totally polyamorous, I am a 1 and my current boyfriend is probably a 5.

My guy turned to poly after numerous heartaches in mono relationships and came to the conclusion that any mono relationship was doomed for failure. He was tired of trying to play by the rules, only to see his wife or girlfriends cheat while they expected exclusivity from him. (Such a double-standard disgusts me and I sincerely respect the transparency and honesty of the poly lifestyle.)

I have only been in mono relationships and have never had a desire to cheat or seek an outside or additional lover; even the idea of it is uncomfortable for me. Any way I think of sex, it is a one-and-one experience. My boyfriend on the other hand, has only been fulfilled and happy long-term in poly relationships, generally with 3 bisexual women in a quadrilateral (not sure if that is the right term, but they all loved each other and lived as a family).

As for me, not only is the idea of poly unsettling, but the thought of being intimate with another woman is completely distasteful to me. And yet, I genuinely do LOVE sex - I would NEVER say no to sex with my man and have yet to be with a man who had the availability or appetite for the frequency that I crave.

So now I find myself in a relationship with Mr. Poly who seems to be holding back. I know he was adventurous, fun, experimental in other relationships as he would go on trips and outings with the other girls. With me, the relationship is somewhat staid; physical interaction and time together is limited - I have only seen him 12 times in 10 months although I have urged for more and the few times I have driven to his office to try to see him (I am not allowed to know where he lives), he seems to be caught off-guard and less than anxious to see me. When I try to plan dates or propose making plans, he tends to ignore me and even when he does commit to dates, he may cancel or forget. (He is better now, but I still feel like he is a bit of a stranger to me, at least the physical presence of him.)

So I wonder if I am just trying too hard to make a relationship with the wrong ingredients work. Will he always be wanting "more" as in more lovers just as I want so much "more" of him - more frequency, duration, variety? Is he holding back in the relationship perhaps because he can only shine and be himself in a poly situation?

And yet, because he is dominant and I tend to be submissive, I don't know if there is much I can do to change things. After all, this is a guy who has a history of living with three women at a time and he STILL does not put the toilet seat down.

Any thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 01-03-2016, 11:51 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
Any way I think of sex, it is a one-and-one experience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
... not only is the idea of poly unsettling, but the thought of being intimate with another woman is completely distasteful to me.
You do know threesomes and bisexual bedroom hi-jinks aren't automatically part of a poly relationship, right? Just because your partner is involved with someone doesn't mean you have to be too; if you're not attracted to someone you don't have to have anything to do with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
I have only seen him 12 times in 10 months
Is this a LDR? If not, what are the constraints preventing more frequent interaction?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
(I am not allowed to know where he lives)
Could be a red flag that he's hiding something big or it could just be that he doesn't like people in his space. I went through the entirety of a 2+ year monogamous relationship without my BF seeing my house because I'm not one of nature's housekeepers and I was just too damn embarrassed by the state of the place to have visitors.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
When I try to plan dates or propose making plans, he tends to ignore me and even when he does commit to dates, he may cancel or forget.
Would you put up with that type of behavior from a mono guy? If not, why would you put up with it from this specimen?

Edit (the thread title just registered):
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
Can Mr. Poly be Satisfied in a Mono Relationship?
Have the two of you agreed that you are in a mono relationship?

Last edited by Emm; 01-03-2016 at 11:53 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-04-2016, 12:14 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I agree with the points that Emm has brought up.

12 dates in 10 months? Almost a year in and you are not allowed to know where he lives?

From reading your post it sounds like:

1.) He is not that into you (unless this is a long-distance relationship and you communicate regularly via other means).
OR
2.) He is already involved in other relationships that are taking up his time/attention and he is keeping this a secret from them and/or keeping them a secret from you.
OR
3.) He may be uncomfortable mixing his personal life with his work life (i.e. with you/anyone "showing up" at his office - I would be, why wouldn't you call first?)

4.) This is for you - "Don't make someone a priority who makes you an option." Whether it is you personally or dating a mono person generally - not responding to requests for time together (especially when that time is minimal to start with) and cancelling/forgetting dates is a red flag.to me

Also, to reiterate what Emm said - "poly" does NOT have to equal group sex or bisexuality - one-on-one is a preference/expectation for many poly people when it comes to sex.

Quote:
Does anyone out there know of people who know that they are poly and are happy in a mono relationship, despite knowing it's not...who they are, so to speak?
Not exactly, but MrS and I had a de facto OPP (One-Penis-Policy) - where I only really pursued women and only flirted with men. That lasted 19 years...then a guy came along that I fell for, hard...shit happened, I screwed up ...pain was inflicted and...we worked it out.
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 01-04-2016 at 03:17 AM.
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  #4  
Old 01-04-2016, 02:59 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I am sorry you struggle.

IME, usually the last few sentences in a post are the thing. Here are yours:

Quote:
I wonder if I am just trying too hard to make a relationship with the wrong ingredients work.
Sounds like it to me. You also list why pretty clearly.

  • He likes poly. He wants more lovers. He likes group encounters.
    • the idea of poly unsettling to you
    • the thought of being intimate with another woman is completely distasteful to you
  • You want more frequency, duration, variety in dates, more connection with him
    • He avoids connection with you.
      • You don't get to know where he lives
      • He's meh if you show up at his work
      • He ignores you when you try to make plans
      • Even when he agrees to plans with you, he often cancels or stands you up.
      • Just 12 dates in 10 months and he is local. To me that means not much interest or not a lot of time to share with you or both.

Where you wonder if he is "holding back" in the "staid" relationship? I evaluate it as "not investing much" in a relationship he "not keen on."

Quote:
And yet, because he is dominant and I tend to be submissive, I don't know if there is much I can do to change things. After all, this is a guy who has a history of living with three women at a time and he STILL does not put the toilet seat down.
Correct. You cannot change HIS behaviors. If this is his "best dating behavior" when you are new and shiny and it isn't all that?

You could change YOUR behaviors and decide to stop investing in a relationship with this guy.

I agree with Jane. You do not have prioritize this guy in your life.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-04-2016 at 02:19 PM.
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  #5  
Old 01-04-2016, 04:27 AM
Dustytx Dustytx is offline
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I may be way off base here but it sounds almost as if you showed up unannounced at his office. If that is the case then yeah, I wouldn't want you to know where I lived.

Otherwise, being submissive doesn't mean you have to out up with BS. I agree with others, regardless of whether he identifies as poly or mono why would you invest in a relationship with no return?
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Old 01-04-2016, 12:56 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post
..... because he is dominant and I tend to be submissive, I don't know if there is much I can do to change things.

Identifying as submissive does NOT mean that you take whatever the Dom dishes out. No matter who you are, where you are or what your identification is, you always can change things - if not with him, certainly in your life. Everyone is allowed to have the kind of relationship that she wants. It doesn't matter if Tom, Dick or Harry say that they are "hardwired" for anything. Put your energy into people who reflect who you truly are.
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  #7  
Old 01-04-2016, 03:00 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Submissive =/= doormat. Doesn't matter how submissive you are, or how dominant he is, you still have the right to speak up for what you want and need out of the situation. Submissive, as others said, doesn't mean you just show your belly and take whatever you get. That isn't submission. That's disrespecting yourself.

And I'm completely straight, so if being polyamorous means I have to fuck women as well as men and always in a threesome situation, I guess I've been doing it wrong all this time. Why on earth would being in a relationship with this guy mean you HAVE TO "be intimate" with other women? If you're not into it, you're not into it. Have one-on-one sex with the guy, and let him be the one fucking other women, preferably not in front of you.
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  #8  
Old 01-04-2016, 07:33 PM
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Pleiades Pleiades is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post

. . .

. . . (I am not allowed to know where he lives), he seems to be caught off-guard and less than anxious to see me. When I try to plan dates or propose making plans, he tends to ignore me and even when he does commit to dates, he may cancel or forget. (He is better now, but I still feel like he is a bit of a stranger to me, at least the physical presence of him.)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Starfish1 View Post

Any thoughts?
Yes.

I wouldn't be in that relationship. I can't live in someone's closet.

Reassess your situation as an observer's point of view.
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Old 01-04-2016, 11:05 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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The not being allowed to know where he lives thing really jumps out at me. I understand not being able to have people over. It is not convenient for me to do so. But everybody knows where I live.

Do you have proof he is/was living with 3 women. Sounds like quite the fantasy.

That scenario isn't how poly has to be. Perhaps he is less poly and more into a sort of swinging lifestyle. Threesomes and moresomes don't have to be a part of it, but if that's what he's into, it could cause problems down the road.

But it sounds like maybe you would have a problem with him seeing other women besides you anyway. Can he be satisfied being monogamous? It's hard to say. I know I denied myself certain things in order to be monogamous and it made me miserable.
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Old 01-04-2016, 11:07 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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I'll add that it seems like he went poly to avoid being hurt by serious relationships. Some people think being poly means you don't really have to care about the person you are seeing. Perhaps he is happier in a more shallow relationship.
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