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  #21  
Old 10-22-2009, 07:43 PM
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RP-

That is EXACTLY what my issue is. I asked C to log in after work and answer your first question as honestly neither myself or Maca can answer what he gets out of it fairly.
I can answer and I'm pretty damn sure I know. But I feel he should speak for himself on that one.

I guess MY point is that I can grant Maca time to consider and contemplate what steps he needs taken to protect his inner self-because I really do see how hard he is working on dealing with it. But at the same time-there seems to be an issue for him in seeing that C is in a similar boat as Ceoli was. (not a triad-but he is a third).
When Maca read Ceoli's heartbreaking account of how her feelings were disregarded-it really tore him up. But he doesn't seem (I could be wrong-just saying what SEEMS to be) that he really see's the significance of C's position as being the same.

Ironically some of the issues you bring up aren't issues for C and I because we do have 16 1/2 years of deep loving friendship together and so we have a sense of confidence in the permanence of our relationship that many people don't have with their 3rd. The dynamics of our relationship may change, but as Mono said somewhere recently our love will never go away. We may change how we choose to show it-but we won't lose it.

Also-we aren't stuck in NRE at the moment-so there is no sense of "need" to be with one another every minute or talk every minute or whatever-which is something that often seems to make things a bit of a struggle when a couple first decides to go poly and one of them is in that it can increase their first partner's feelings of insecurity and concern of being "not good enough". For us that isn't an issue.

I can confidently say that C and I neither one want to do anything to make life harder for Maca. We both love him. While C has no desire to be intimate with Maca and Maca has no desire to be intimate with C, C does love Maca and respect him and is uninterested in "replacing" him in anyway.

I don't foresee sex being something that would happen between the three of us- or in front of each other ever. Not that I wouldn't LOVE to have both of them torment me lovingly in that way together, but each of them is shy about that for different reasons.

I make a point of waiting for Maca to step away before I kiss C. I have no need to make him feel competitive. There's no competition in my mind. In fact, I kiss one and I long to kiss the other. I make love to one and I long to make love to the other, doesn't matter which one-I just suddenly want to share all the happy loving feelings with whoever isn't there. I LOVE making love to each of them-they are totally different in bed and I love holding both of them too.

Anyway! Now I will shut up again and watch for replies!
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  #22  
Old 10-23-2009, 03:31 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I'm not sure what it is that C is getting out of this relationship the three of you have... I get that he has family out of it, but if you never have any time together LR then how are you to develop levels of connection and intimacy? Is there no time that Maca can look after your kids so that the two of you can go out, perhaps spend the night together and quickly jump back into your own bed before the kids get up (we do this on nights Mono sleeps over)?

I realize that this "question" arose only recently and also realize that there is a lot going on for the two of you in the way of counseling issues and a child moving in with you, but should this not be the time to sort out some logistics together for the long haul? I guess I am feeling kinda bad for poor ol C who doesn't seem to have a voice in all this.

Maca, you were saying, "I was looking for rules or ideas of what was an accepted amount of affection in front of the others. What I have learned is that really there are no rules there is just life, love, experience, compassion and self introspect." The point I guess I am trying to make is that you are at where you are at and you can make rules/boundaries up as you go and change them as you go using love, experience, compassion and self introspection.... when the rule isn't working anymore it's time to look at it again.

Wow I read and then reread this post RP..I sighed 4-5 times and then read it once more.

Im at a loss for what to write or think.I have learned to not open my mouth(or type) till I have fully considered and processed all the info available to me.So I will respectivly postpone a response for now. But I will come back to this because I feel this is an important subject in my life at this very moment. Thanks for the 2x4 to the head RP( I think )
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  #23  
Old 10-23-2009, 07:34 PM
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Okay, so I'm new here, and probobly won't be here often simply because there's no time and I'm really not much into threads and forums, but I figure I should come say a piece or two so that everyone can get a little more introspective on the relationship involving LR,Maca and I. BTW, up to this point I've been refered to as "C". I decided to call myself GreenGecko because of who I feel I represent in the V. Maca doesn't think we're a tryst, and to be honest, I'm not sure about all the def's, but the Gecos pic on my profile (and soon my avatar) explains a lot.

A few years ago, we all went to Hawaii. LR/Maca went first for a week, then I followed with the kids, everyone together for another week. During that time, Maca/I made a lot of progress in our own personal relationship. This is after the affair, and other things. We were also discussing some other... important details involving the future of our relationship as a whole, or rather as a family. Wow... there's actually a lot that hasn't been discussed, that people don't know about this V. Sorry, I'm just now realizing this. Well... During our time in Hawaii, we stopped in this little shop if trinkets, and I came across this wooden carving of thre gecos forming a circle. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to get it for Maca, because it helped explain our relationships together. LAter on before we left to go back home, I stopped in again and bought it. I kept it for a while, and decided to paint it. The colors represent each of us. Might be hard to tell in the pic, but the carving has two gecos, mouths touching at the top, and another geco below wrapping tails with one, and biting the tail of the other. The one being bitten is the largest of the three, that one seems to be kissing the other, whose tail is wrapped around the one on bottom biting the tail of the large one. SO, in my mind, the large one was red because it represented Maca, the "head" of the family, also (being radically honest here) the one needing the most attention, or having the most needs. Also he's quick tempered and firey, the one that feels he's been burned the most and feels he has the right to burn others because of it. The one he's kissing was obviously LR, I colored her purple because it's her favorite color. She's kissing the red one, so to me they were both equally important because they were loving together and both at the head, or top. The purple one's tail is wrapped around the green one (that's me). LR, from the very begining of our relationship 16 years ago, has always seemed to do better when I'm around, when I'm near, when she can look at me, hear me, feel me. that helps her know she's safe and will be okay doing whatever it is she needs to do/ deal with. The gren one is also biting the red one in the ass (or on the tail) which I have done numerous times over the last decade. Trying my best to help him, trying to help THEM, trying to make him realize there's more than just HIS problems in the world. Trying to get him to pay attention. The preverbial 2x4 to the head.

Only recently has that point been recognized by Maca, and I thank him for that, and I thank you all on this board that have helped him see things clearer and helped him search inside himself to find who he really is.

There's more to the carving, but that's enough for now as my time to type is very near the end for today.

In a nutshell, RP, what I do get out of this relationship is not about sex, or about getting what I'm due. What I get out of it is love. I have been in love with LR for nearly 20 years, I have been by her side, and helped her whenever I could for almost that entire time. Maca is her husband, and I now she loves him as much as she loves me. And needs him as well, and so because of everything we've been through, after the pain and suffering, the efforts, and the laughter and tears, I have come to love Maca too. Entirely different reasons than LR of course, but... this is my family. I feel a purpose in being involved and a duty to protect this family's best interests. Maca feels differently, I know, and there's atill a lot of ground to cover. I'm not all about "what's fair to me" like he is most times, but he's got different insecurities than I do. This family is important and usually my first priority, but I have been commited to LR for half my life, and that will never change.

I am seemingly mono, to her poly, and Maca... well he's not sure where he sits just yet. But I love everyone involved. My loyalty will always be with LR, but Maca and the kids are so important to me as well.

It's been difficult to actually become friends with him because he's usually so defensive and insecure. These last few weeks have been mind boggoling and I'm so proud of him for his efforts and awakenings, but I hope that he can continue to allow us all to be ourselves, and be ourselves TOGETHER.

LR/I get some time together, and over the years, we've found our intamacy in mere moments. Often just a glance, or a blink says so much. There were times that our hearts could hardly stand not being able to have tha intamacy, but we manage. Sometimes it gets physical, but not nearly as often as we'd like, and not nearly as often as anyone might think, including Maca. We've never kissed in front of him, and haven't felt the need. I have no issues (now, but I did for a long time because of my on insecurities) with their sex life, I don't mind at all that they sleep in the same bed every night. Sometimes it's anoying when he keeps calling or texting when LR/I are trying to have a few minutes of just "being" as we refer to it. But we all have our needs.

So, On that note, I'm going to get ready for work. Nice ot meet you all. Red Pepper, Mono, I hear a lot about you and I want to thank you for all your thoughts, they've helped very much for Maca/LR. I'll be back again, till then, have fun!
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Last edited by GreenGecko; 10-23-2009 at 08:56 PM. Reason: typing too small
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  #24  
Old 10-23-2009, 09:37 PM
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Greengeco, your indeed like my Mono! Are you too lost brothers or something?! Wow!

Your post made me tearful as I heard in it what I hear from Mono. LR is a VERY lucky woman as I am! She must be very special to have such love for so many years.

Thank you for the explanation on the gecos. Simply beautiful. What a find when you found that!

Thank you also for the expanation of how it all "works" for you all. I have so much more clarity now as do others I'm sure.

I feel so fortunate for the time Mono and I have together. My husband is very giving and very well grounded. He works very hard on himself and his relationships. He is very even tempered and stays on top of his feelings much more than I am able to. He is dedicated to our "V" working and strives for a balance as do we all. I have had to ask him not to call when I am with Mono and have to be the one that weighs out who's needs should come first depending on what is going on in everyones life. It helps that we only have one child to manouver through all this. Still, as you say, we are family and we stick together.
Thanks for the post. Look forward to hearing more when you can.
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  #25  
Old 10-23-2009, 09:44 PM
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RP-now you know why I keep saying "WOW Mono you remind me of C".
Weird huh?
Yes I am very lucky and I know it which is one reason I am trying SO hard to help Maca through all this gently. I didn't handle things well to start out-but I learned a lot since then about myself, about life, about him etc and I'm working hard now to set the stage for a much better future for all of us.
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Old 10-24-2009, 12:14 AM
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Im glad you found time to add your thoughts here C. The gecko's was a very cool profile pic and the story behind it was perfect for explaining the situation as it is now. I really didnt like the link of the the 3 of us then but now it has such an obvious showing of commitment and love.

I know Im not the easiest guy to deal with and I know no one like to see me when Im pissed. Things are good between us and getting better everyday.


RP- I understand what you are saying about Me being where I am and who I am and that boundries and rules can change when its right. I think I wont worry so much about moving fast or getting to the "expected place" in my life. So long as LR/ C / and I keep talking and sharing our feelings I think things will fall into place at there own pace.



Peace and Love
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Old 10-24-2009, 12:52 AM
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Maca, I was just explaining to someone at our poly meet and greet last night...everyone has to figure out what makes this type of relationship work for them. Once you do, though it is a hard and painful process at times, you are more than proud of the growth that has been accomplished....individually and as a group. Hang in there all of you.

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  #28  
Old 10-24-2009, 04:11 AM
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Nice to hear from you Gecko, and take care Maca and LR! You guys are an inspiration
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  #29  
Old 03-28-2011, 08:33 PM
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So much time has passed, so many efforts to get things on track have failed.

Right now Maca isn't living with us (obviously). So there are a LOT of technical details that have changed.

But, showing affection is still a slightly difficult one. Much less so than it was 18 months ago. But, still tense.

I wonder, what should I do when Maca IS here... should I be less affectionate with GG, because I don't want to rub it in Maca's face that GG is still living here? Should I just be "normal" so that Maca gets used to it and GG doesn't feel left out? Should I just run and hide whenever they're both around-so I'm not!

I don't know sometimes. Emotionally I don't want to make things any harder on any of us than I already have by coming out poly.... but, figuring out WHAT isn't harder, well that's a bitch now isn't it!
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Old 03-29-2011, 01:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
...............
Sooo.. . Just out of curiousity how do the rest of you address this.
Hey Maca

Question............

How does your gut react when you see total strangers getting quite intimate in public ?

Be honest.............

Because it may be that you have a couple different triggers working here and you need to discover what percentage is what and plan your attack accordingly.
It's shocking (to me) how much discomfort there is for many people about public display of affection. Especially in guys who are generally the big consumers of porn. But true affection is different.
Not the place here to try to psychoanalyze the reasoning behind all the discomfort - just sufficient to say it's real and exists so has to be dealt with.

If it's ONLY (or primarily) about LR then you know what you're dealing with. And maybe it will never be 100% comfortable but it's who she is, so best plan is to figure on dealing with it. It's not going away.
And maybe look at it this way......
At LEAST it's real, genuine ! And it's a positive thing.
With all the shit we see around us every day, being witness to a little genuine, positive emotion is not the worst thing that could happen to us - right ?

Dig in a little - see what's what. Try seeing the positive side. Lots of this stuff is little more than choices. We're not just rags flopping in the wind.........we have some control over our emotions and choices - right ?



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