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  #21  
Old 05-19-2011, 11:59 PM
kingtone kingtone is offline
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I don't mean to imply that he's a bad guy, not at all, but to me it feels like he is free to do what ever he wants while the woman I love (his wife) has to ask permission. I think this stems from 2 things, one he is insecure about his wife seeing someone who fulfills her in a way that he can't and two he knows that we have a history and I think he's threatened by that. They have both cheated on each other, but she was upfront and told him, she had to find out about his cheating through other channels, so I think deception plays a big part.
Thank you all so much for your advice and support, it means the world to me
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  #22  
Old 05-20-2011, 02:00 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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You've mentioned a couple of times already that you are fulfilling her in a way he can't ... it comes off a little rude, to me. I wonder if he is picking up on this vibe from you? That would certainly make me not want to spend time with a metamour, if they were smug about being able to offer something (regardless of its nature) to my partner that I couldn't.

And remember, it doesn't matter if you mean it this way or not. He may just be interpreting you this way, as I have done.
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  #23  
Old 05-21-2011, 07:01 AM
kingtone kingtone is offline
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those are actually her words not mine, I've never mentioned them to him or been anything but nice to him, but that doesn't mean that she hasn't mentioned it to him before and I'm just not aware of it. She prefers to keep the two relationships separate when it come to deep personal type things. She believes it's not fair of her to talk deeply about me to him and vice versa and I'm happy to respect that as he feels the same way. If she has told him that "I fulfill her in a way he can't" how would the polyamory.com community suggest I do about it? any advice ?
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  #24  
Old 05-21-2011, 02:32 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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So perhaps the problem actually lies with her. I would say you can't do anything if she's said something like that to him already. In fact, acknowledging it might even make it worse for him.

If I had a partner who was making comparisons between me and their other partners, even if they were flattering, I would tell them that I didn't feel comfortable with how they were speaking. I think it's a very mono way to be, comparing current relationships to past relationships, telling your partner they're better than anyone you've ever been with, etc. (Not saying she's doing this, just in general.) You're really going to shoot yourself in the foot bringing this mindset into poly relations.

Ask her to rephrase her compliments to be about you, and you alone, not in comparison to anyone else. For example, instead of saying, "You make the best peanut butter sandwiches I've ever had" say something more like, "Your peanut butter sandwiches are amazing! I love how you spread the peanut butter all the way to the edges!"

Just something to think about. Food for thought, as it were.
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  #25  
Old 05-21-2011, 04:10 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I wouldn't let my ego get in the way and would just be happy that I have something she enjoys. It all comes around in time any way. We all have things that we love about people in our lives and things that drive us nuts.

I would wonder how much of what she said was because she enjoyed something you do differently than her other partner. I sometimes go from one partner to another and think that very same thing. I realize now that everyone is just human and we all have stuff that is annoying and endearing about us. Different times make those same things more or less so.
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