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Old 10-26-2009, 03:15 AM
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Default Hi everyone. I just joined this forum.

Hi everyone. I just joined this forum. This is probably the only forum/social media website on which I prefer to stay anonymous. That will tell you a lot about where I'm at in this stage of polyamory in my life.

I'm a woman in my early 30s. I have, what I'm beginning to see, as a disjointed, unclear dating history.

I have had several phases since I was a teenager of coming out as either bi or gay. Or another way to put it is, I have gone through phases of preferring women to men. But, the majority of the people I've dated have been men.

I am also starting to see how I've woven polyamory into my various partnerships, (it's annoying that on a poly forum, the word polyamory is tagged as improperly spelled).

I've introduced the idea of 3-somes to my boyfriends, who of course have never turned down the idea of being with two women. I have encouraged my boyfriend to play with another man.

I was once madly, helplessly in love with a man who lived in another city. He just did it for me. His family lived near me, so whenever he was in town, we would hook up. He was someone who I could be open sexually with, so we talked about and experimented with different things, including "swinging", (which we didn't end up doing). He was either never able to tell me that he loved me or simply just didn't love me. So, he was never jealous when I hooked up with other men while he was out of town. Unfortunately, that relationship was very painful for me because I was so in love with him and he didn't want more.

Two years ago, I met a poly man who introduced me to polyamory. I dated him for only about two months. He was a very manipulative, psychologically disturbed man, so I ended it quickly, but fortunately what I took away from that relationship was the discovery that I ADORE poly!

I dated his good friend at the tail end of our breakup and stayed with him for nearly a year, until his psychological issues emerged as well. *sigh* He dated another woman and another man during the course of our relationship.

I then dated a man who was also poly. When we hooked up, he was sleeping with a queer woman, (who likes sex with men, but has relationships with women). The three of us played, he and I tried a "serious" relationship and she stayed lovers with us both.

Now, I have been single for about 6 months after ending that relationship. It too turned very tumultuous when his deeply disturbing psychological stuff erupted. (I kept her, though )

I recently met a man that I felt an instant, electrifying connection with. I have only experienced this once before, (with the man that didn't love me back). He and I connected very quickly and became friends. On paper, he is the man of my dreams, but I don't know him well.

He recently told me about his 14-year relationship with a man that ended only about a year ago. They opened their relationship up at one point and it didn't go so well, though I'm still vague on any details. He made sure to clarify that just because he lived with a man doesn't mean he's 100% gay. He explained how his sexuality has never been very solid. He's been with women, but the impression I got was that he's mostly attracted to men. I was quite flabbergasted when he said he liked me and was attracted to me, but also not confident dating women, not ready for a relationship, not sure, etc...

So....

I've reached a point where I'm questioning everything. I don't know how to maneuver this part of my life, (relationships) and it still feels painful to me.

I feel completely discouraged from dating at all.

Are crazy men attracted to polyamory for some reason?! Or just to me?! Am I attracted to unavailable men? Or am I simply in a largely uncharted, unsupported territory where "alternative" people gather and therefore, rules and safe, stable boxes don't exist.

I also feel terrified to come out as poly beyond my very small comfort zone of queer, bi, poly friends, largely, actually because I've had so many unsuccessful, tumultuous relationships. If I were in a long-term, committed relationship that was open to others, for example, I would feel much more confident sharing this part of my life. I wouldn't be afraid of the opinions, criticism and advice from straight, conventional people who somehow seem to be able to have stayed with the same person for many years.

So, I'm on this forum to talk to others openly about relationships. I need a space where I can go into the details about how, actually it's not that straightforward because he's poly and....... and be understood!

Thanks!
roly

Last edited by rolypoly; 10-26-2009 at 03:27 AM.
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:18 AM
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Can you edit to a smaller font? I can only read a few lines on my whole screen...

Welcome!
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
[SIZE="2"]
(it's annoying that on a poly forum, the word polyamory is tagged as improperly spelled).
I think it's your browser and not the forum itself. The latest Firefox has spell check but the spellcheck dictionary does not include the word polyamory. If you click on the underlined word for spelling suggestions though it will have an option called "add to dictionary" and then: problem solved.
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:30 AM
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welcome to the forums!!
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
If you click on the underlined word for spelling suggestions though it will have an option called "add to dictionary" and then: problem solved.
Ooh, I didn't know that. Thanks!
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Old 10-26-2009, 03:43 AM
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THANK YOU!
I greatly appreciate that!
I look forward to hearing more and getting to know ya Roly!!!
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Old 10-26-2009, 12:40 PM
cosmicfreedom7 cosmicfreedom7 is offline
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Welcome...

Sometimes I think the cosmos throws a lot of things at us to have us experience them and strengthen ourselves into who we really are so that when destiny comes knocking we are fully present and capable of embracing it fully and blossoming into a more enriched and whole person.

I understand how discouraging it can be to be looking for something you never find or find to certain degrees. I think one of the other forum threads pointed it out perfectly when they posted that we need to be open for how relationships evolve and grow because many times we have preconceived notions that actually limit what we can find.

Hang in there, be open and forthcoming and see what happens. We can't allow the bad to taint what might be but that takes some effort. As for the electrifying connection, pursue it and see what happens. I'm kinda in the same position and my belief is that somethign like that is there for a reason and I need to find out where it can go even if that means excessive amounts of patience, exploration and waiting for everyone to figure stuff out.

Good Luck!
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Old 10-26-2009, 05:28 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Thanks cosmic. I think, actually, the thing that has discouraged me the most is the eye-rolling from my straight friends/family when I have pursued yet another odd relationship only to find I'm miserable.

A woman I've been friends with for about 18 years said of my new love interest, "Isn't that how your dad was? He was gay, but not sure and got together with your mom?". She was trying to say something along the lines of don't repeat history again.

I played along, feeling guilty and wrong for having a crush on someone who, in conventional, monogamous terms, is unavailable.

But, inside, I don't consider him unavailable. He's a delicious shade of grey that I'm very happy to know and I'm open to whatever form our relationship may take.

That, I would say is the the most frustrating aspect.

I love how you say,
Quote:
Sometimes I think the cosmos throws a lot of things at us to have us experience them and strengthen ourselves into who we really are so that when destiny comes knocking we are fully present and capable of embracing it fully and blossoming into a more enriched and whole person.
I wish this form of learning, in the realm of relationships, was more socially acceptable and not just, "Oh, there she goes again"....
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Old 10-26-2009, 09:17 PM
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Sorry -yesterday was a daunting day. I JUST made it through your post.
What an exciting experiment this thing called life is. Too bad so many people are so dead set on living it "right" even though not a one of us has a stupid handbook!

I can see where you might be nervous. We tend to attract people by how we make them feel. Seriously-if they feel comfortable and safe with us they stick around, when they no longer feel that, they run away.

So at first glimpse I would say that you make these unsure, frightened men feel safe.
The thing is-you say psychological problems and I have to wonder-behavioral, medical, phisiological, clinically diagnosed issues-or just they are being assholes or have personal fears and insecurities that they allow to control their lives?
Because while the two can manifest similarly-they are VERY different issues.

Like me. I'm ADD. I also have some bizarre sleep issues. If I don't take my sleeping pills, a week or so later I tend to start getting moody, emotional and incapable of being logical or reasonable, because I can't sleep through any single sleep cycle and my brain rebels.
If I don't take my ADD meds then I tend to flip flop between "needing" sex 2-4 times a day physically, to being uninterested in even getting a hug for weeks and repeat. Not very "user friendly" for anyone who cares for me. I can't stop it. Very frustrating.
But if I do take my meds then I can find that comfortable place where I like sex anytime and don't NEED it. Much more stable and user-friendly.

All of that is diagnosed issues.

But, if someone just saw me without the meds they might think "wow she's f'ing crazy".

I'd love to hear more about your situation and see if there are better answers for you in your life!
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Old 10-26-2009, 10:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
What an exciting experiment this thing called life is.
Absolutely!! And yes it is too bad so many people are so dead set on living it "right"!

I would say both that I've attracted these unsure, frightened men, but also, for various reasons, also created a unsafe, frightening atmosphere once things turned south. I have mostly dealt with it, but used to get quite angry towards men who did not have everything all figured out.

Psychological problems have varied anywhere from ADD, (he would smother me one week and then literally hate me then next. I ended it when he said, "I HATE YOU!" because I accidentally found out about a surprise party he was throwing for my birthday).

....to alcoholic, verbally abusive and lying
....to Post-Traumatic Stress, (he would literally sit in the corner and make very scary, aggressive faces, couldn't form complete sentences or do much of anything to take care of himself)
....to psychologically manipulative, (he would label my actions with very elaborately, eloquently formulated psychobabble, which had very, very little to do with me)

I appreciate your experience with ADD.

I have been diagnosed and un-diagnosed as Bipolar. (The background being that I have a chemical injury and MCS, which severely affected my health and the doctors slapped a mental illness on me. After ten years of unnecessary meds, I was reevaluated last year and taken off of everything. I'm clearly not mentally ill. This, I'm sure, is also a large part of why I've attracted mentally ill partners. I believed there was something wrong with me when there clearly is not.)

Quote:
I tend to flip flop between "needing" sex 2-4 times a day physically, to being uninterested in even getting a hug for weeks and repeat. Not very "user friendly" for anyone who cares for me.
I can understand how powerless and frustrated this must leave you and your partners. I've experienced similar patterns and I'm beginning to believe it's a result of squishing myself into a box and having parts of me ooze out the sides.

When I need space and time to come back to myself, I tend to get cold. When I'm feeling insecure about my own poly tendencies and denial of them, it has manifested as neediness, (ironically). Definitely "extremes".

Quote:
I'd love to hear more about your situation and see if there are better answers for you in your life!
Thank you! This discussion is really helping me be more honest and hopefully more healthy in the future!

La vita es bella!

roly
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