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  #41  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I have been thinking of this thread lately because I'm beginning to reach my saturation point again with the same problems cropping up here all the time, the same questions, the amount of people who start off their posts saying their situation is unique yet we've seen their story here a gazillion times. I can't help it - I used to answer so many threads here, but lately I have no patience for most of them. I think I am becoming impatient in my own life, too. I don't like the way things are and need to make changes but feel frustrated at the enormity of the radical turn-around that is needed.
This is an eloquent description of how my life feels, too often of late. Not in relation to this forum, but just in general. I work with some of the most unthoughtful doofuses ever. Guy threatened escalation several levels above my boss, to get something fixed, wanting to know if we had a repair contract for it. You know what? HE was the contract manager on the damn thing! I've blamed my stupid cold for being unable to function at home this week; but I have an on-going frustration with feeling ineffective at the enormity of what is needed for my life to turn around.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Treating ourselves and everyone around us with the same respect and loving kindness does seem to be the answer to most problems and issues. Now, how to implement that strategy...
There's some of my problem. I think I do that, and mostly, all it gets me is taken advantage of. (which I know is poor English, I still blame the snot in my head) I am respectful and kind and patient. Everyone at work tells me at least once a week how patient I am. I find out when I got back to work today that my staff spent much of last week bitching about me. (I don't take it personally, but it's ...disappointing)(before I was manager, I had a lot more faith)

Sorry, not being entirely helpful, this just rang a bazillion chords of sympathy in me.
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  #42  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
How about this......Treat others the way they want to be treated and notice who is interested in understanding how you want to be treated and engaged in following through with it.
Oh yes, and then communicate them what it is you'd like.

Be massively compassionate, understanding, and kind with yourself as well as others. Doesn't mean you accept things you shouldn't (far from it!), just that guilt and anger aren't constructive to change.

I actually think that the better my own boundaries, i.e. the better I know and implement what I need for myself, the more I can show understanding and kindness.

For example, it was a long time ago that I decided not to have my (social) mother in my life anymore. From that point started healing. Not complete, but I feel less hate and more compassion. I can understand how she has become the way she is, the pain she feels that drives her to be abusive. I can do that but I will never again subject myself to her abuse. There is a very hard and strict boundary.

I hope that illustrates what a world of difference there is between understanding something and accepting it in your life. I think where people get the most horribly difficult and painful relationships of their lives is when they try to do both feeding into a really unhealthy dynamic. I have had that as a kid, when I had no choice. Now I have a choice, and that is not how I will lead my life. I will do my best to always understand, but I will accept in my life only things I can live with, things that do not compromise my personal boundaries. Other things, things I want in relationships, those are up for negotiation. But my personal boundaries are not.
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  #43  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:27 AM
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
How about this......Treat others the way they want to be treated and notice who is interested in understanding how you want to be treated and engaged in following through with it.
THAT is news I can use. Thank you. That noticing thing is a big challenge. I am friends with someone at work, mostly because she has made an effort to be friendly with me. She's not who I would choose, necessarily. She's brilliant, no question. But also broken, and demanding (work-wise) and whiny. She takes sarcasm too far, and is the first to act hurt when the rest of us toss it back. But she's made a consistent effort to go to coffee with me, ask how I'm feeling, thank me for my efforts on her behalf, etc. The people I'd like to play with don't notice. So I'm friends with her. But she is not popular, and I am now suspect for my friendship. oh, i work with nutballs.

Thank you idealist.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
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Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #44  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I hear ya sister. I am losing my mind behind the scenes most days. Doesn't anyone read?! Look at other threads?!! At the very least stop and think that maybe they are not the only ones on the planet that have these issues??! AHHHHH! Drives me crazy. Still, we carry on right? Patience and persistence. We will change the world... one poly newbie at a time.

I need to think of a tags that encompasses every single thing that comes up so that I can direct people to the same threads as their own. That is a struggle.... I have been thinking on that for years now.

You know what bugs me sometimes is I have seen what we repeat here over and over again in other peoples writings, on other groups and out of other peoples mouths and I remember the day when none of it existed. I can't tell you how many phrased I have seen come out of this site and become mainstream poly, yet I have never seen anyone refer to us in their writing or references. Some of them get money for the ads they post on their sites yet we don't get even a link! The amount of support and shared resources we produce for others for free, yet we don't get anything in return is mind boggling. Its very frustrating and makes me feel like this place is very under valued and under appreciated. Its hard to go on some days, yet I do and have done for years now... and likely will for more.

Again, I feel ya nycindie. I really do.
Gotta tell ya, redpepper, this actually made me feel better. When I got here, i really wanted to have a problem to post, to get help, ya-da-blah. But I just didn't. And what puny questions I had, I got answered by reading. I keep thinking, is it just this easy? I know, I haven't been in it long enough to really have something meaty to get help with. But considering my situation, it's appearing awfully easy for the moment. I feel extremely lucky. and helped by this forum. My boyfriends don't know it, but they're helped too! (because you all help me keep the crazy in check, so they don't have to feel it from me)

My guess is a lot of folks get helped by reading, but don't mention it.

Keep on!
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #45  
Old 02-14-2012, 10:54 AM
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I don't know if I can make any contribution in this thread other than my usual rant about an "intolerant civilisation". So this is my POV.

The world that was built, that we built, was obviously not designed to be one where we humans could thrive in our emotional lives. Instead this worlds focus is aimed at competition.. greed.. power.. "production of stuff" (which might become kind of obsolete in a future!) and last but not least.. who was right in the end? Because that honestly seems to be SO important for a bunch of people.. obsessed with a hardcore belief that their way was the only way. It's really a near "sandbox mentality" or even worse when it is pushed down your throat and I for one is fed up with it. We know very well that there are a myriad of different ways to live this life according to what your preferences are.. but the obstacle many times seem to be.. this world.. which keeps us "stuck" in the same "patterns".

A very close relative said to me once that he envied another relative.. I asked him why. He said "he has always seen life in a more positive light than I have and not used the same serious mind I did". I then told him if I were to meet a person, anybody really, who's personal traits were favourable/logic I would ADAPT and actually apply/"borrow" those positive things (which I very often do actually!). He said to me "and that is sadly the capacity I lack in this life". And I found it very sad because his INTENTIONS were good but he somehow lacked the capacity to make it real. Many people go through this life and seriously need other peoples help and... POSITIVE influence. I can proudly say that I have influenced people to the better via the insights I gained through a lot of tough work with myself. And that insight was "free or charge".. despite some saying it to me sometimes that I could make some cash from it.. I am not very keen to step out as some "guru" on stuff, LOL.. and make people PAY for MY insights. It does not work like that in my life.. I am not that greedy.. if someone honestly and with genuine intentions asks me something which is of great value to me.. if that person is in need of hearing that.. that person will hear it. It is that simple.. because I love to give WHEN it is right and justified and needed.

So in conclusion.. the last years in my life I have actually seen signs in my own life that "building bridges" between different "aspects" of humanity.. might be a key to success for us all. To unite for a moment and share insights and then go separate ways and not fear to.. lol.. get a "knife in the back". Yea.. I am a really diplomatic person!

Dismantle complexity via enhancing it to absurdity so that it shows its true self (ie.. being pointless).. that is how I often accomplish to get back to a... simple life! Almost magic.. almost (as it is easier said than done)! LOL

Hope I made SOME sense! haha
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  #46  
Old 02-14-2012, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
because on the secret FB group,
??? I'm intrigued now, what is this please?
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  #47  
Old 02-14-2012, 03:56 PM
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I have to open my big mouth and say I agree with November Rain. I never even bothered to type an intro but went to reading immediately. Following the experiences and questions of others has allowed me to learn so much and save myself from repeating the same mistakes.
I think it is often the nature of forums to see the same issues and questions come up repeatedly. Is it sometimes annoying?-Yes. I just figure it is the nature of the beast.
I just want to thank those of you who have stuck it out here and patiently answered, re-answered and educated others. This place has been such a huge blessing for me personally and has allowed me to learn and grow as a person and in my relationships and empathy with others.
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  #48  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:00 PM
Katrpillar Katrpillar is offline
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This is a great thread for me to say hello and THANK YOU ALL being here!!! This forum, and others like it, have literally helped me put the pieces of myself and my life back together- from broken. I've never posted but I read, read, and read. I follow many of these stories closely and gather what I can from the wisdom of multiple minds sharing from their experiences.

I have peace and abundance in my life right now. Many thanks for the journey that I've taken with your help (unbeknownst to you .

Your generosity is appreciated!

Katrpillar
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  #49  
Old 02-14-2012, 10:00 PM
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Bassman, the group that Neon is talking about is one that I admin. Many of the regulars (and others) here are on it. Its a private group that anyone can ask me to join provided they are willing to give me their names.

I guess for me, having slept on it AGAIN (this all cycles for me), I try and remember that while a lot of what I and others have said here is repeated and made legendary in some cases, I don't have my name attached to it, so it all can be discussed anywhere and is "for the people." I have had a chance to really push my theory on certain aspects of poly and relationship dynamics because of that. I have developed a formula for poly relationships in my head that I repeat constantly, get challenged on constantly and re-work constantly. That's a good thing!

I find that when people put stuff to written word, taken from others, stick it on a website and put ads on it and make themselves a guru out of their thoughts that they then become followed. People are always looking for someone to follow. The discussion ends and one persons word becomes "thee word." Personally I value discussion and morphing concepts. Its what I value. I need appreciation for participating in that (thanks for that) but do not want to be a leader of the people. We are all leaders and we all are followers. Perhaps that is a utopian view, I dunno.

Thanks to everyone that posts here! Especially those that repeat stuff over and over without knowing. How would we know how common issues are without the issues being reposted ad nauseum.
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  #50  
Old 02-14-2012, 11:02 PM
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I guess the thing that bugs me is how often we complicate things because we're avoiding the real issues. Much easier to struggle and fret with how to say something or what choice to make, rather than to just fucking say it or choose what we want and deal with the consequences. Truth is, most anything can be handled well if we act with compassion and have strong self-esteem. And if those aren't there - well, then, that's the place to start. Develop ways to find and feel compassion for yourself and others, and cultivate your self-esteem. I do believe we don't have anything in our lives that we are not capable of handling. So why create so much bullshit to deal with instead of the real thing at hand?

All too often, I think, people take responsibility for how others will react and what they will do with the input/energies/communication we give them, rather than just taking responsibility for ourselves. So we start twisting ourselves emotionally or try to fit into some idea of who we think we should be, to try and get a "better" outcome than what we expect.

And I'm using the plural instead of just talking about myself because I feel like I see it everywhere I go.

Ugh. Exhausting.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-14-2012 at 11:06 PM.
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