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Old 05-16-2011, 08:32 PM
harpermill harpermill is offline
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Default Is my relationship poly? or something else?

Hi, i'm new to the forums and pretty new to the idea of polyamory in general having only had monogamous relationships before. I'm a bit confused as to whether the relationship i'm in at the moment constitutes a polyamorous relationship so i'd really appreciate some help.

I started dating my current boyfriend two years ago, and that has always been on the basis of the relationship being monogamous. But things have changed since just before Christmas. We have two best friends who have also been dating (in a monogamous relationship) for the past year. We've always been very close to them, more than our other friends and we love them very much. At Christmas basically we all ended up kissing one another, but it didn't go any further than that (our sexualities are all quite fluid btw). We spent time in January away together and i don't quite know how to explain this, but we kind of acted as if we were in a four-way relationship. For example, we kissed each other a lot, were very affectionate to one another in a way that went past friendship. We basically gave the same level of emotional attention to one another, that we each gave in our separate relationships.

Then we got back from holiday and it just felt normal to carry on. Me and my boyfriend talked about what was going on and we agreed that it made us both feel closer to one another. But we also strictly agreed that things between us four wouldn't progress past kissing (the other couple agreed on this too) - so the only level of sexual intimacy we're allowed is kissing (or voyeurism of each couple ), we're not allowed to all sleep together. This is partly because it would create some jealousy issues, but mostly because we don't really fancy each other. We think our best friends are attractive, and they think we're attractive but all of us are sexually fulfilled in our separate relationships.

So basically at the moment it's like we're all in an solely emotional relationship. We kiss each other openly and are affectionate with each other and e.g i'll go with my male best friend to things as his 'date' (my bf is allowed to do this too) and it feels like we're all in the emotional side of a relationship together.

I have friends in polyamorous relationships, but they don't really mimic this - theirs usually include sexual activity with the other parties, which is something none of us particularly want - it's more of an emotional want instead. So i'm not sure if this is a polyamorous relationship, or if we're just really really involved best friends who like to kiss each other and watch each other have sex. I'm in love with my boyfriend and our friends are in love with each other, but we all love each other in a romantic but non-sexual way. Those sexual feelings are just not there for me when i look at the other couple, and vice versa when they look at us, we've just been friends for way too long for them to develop.

I mean, i'm 22 and sometimes my boyfriend isn't around when i just want to kiss someone, so i kiss one of our best friends instead or sleep in the same bed as them.

So is this a polyamorous relationship? Or is it a monogamous relationship with some really really close friends? If we were all in a sexual relationship then i would label it as polyamory but since we're not and don't want to be, i'm not sure if it fits. Me and my boyfriend wouldn't want to be in this kind of relationship with anyone other than our two best friends so i'm a bit confused...

Whatever label the relationship has, i'm going to continue to enjoy its benefits, but i wondered if there was an actual term for it?
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm sorry, I couldn't even read your whole post. All I want to say is, why worry about labeling your relationship? Who cares what to call it? The questions you should be asking yourself are, "Am I happy?" and "Is this what I want?" Don't put yourself in a situation you don't really want, and don't treat people in ways you wouldn't want to be treated, and don't put up with disrespectful treatment towards you. There - now wasn't that simple? Does it really matter if it matches up with what all the other kids are doing these days?
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-16-2011 at 10:40 PM.
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Old 05-16-2011, 11:45 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I have to agree with Cindie. Who cares what the label is for what you have? Is it working for everyone involved? It certainly SOUNDS like it is. So...Just sit back and enjoy it.

Now, for the no sex thing....Well...I would say this: Never say never. Be openminded, and things may happen someday...even if you say that right now, no-one is interested in that.

So, in conclusion, never say never, be open minded, and forget the labels. If it works, don't try to over analize and enjoy the ride.
There is a lid for every pot...Sometimes even two or three...
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Old 05-17-2011, 03:16 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
I have to agree with Cindie. Who cares what the label is for what you have? Is it working for everyone involved? It certainly SOUNDS like it is. So...Just sit back and enjoy it.
That's two people who agree with Cindie...just live it

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Old 05-17-2011, 06:17 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I have a non-sexual relationship, I call it poly because I love him. Some might not agree, but so what? What others do is not the issue here, what is is how you feel and if there is love involved.

Some people have a one night stand with someone and call it poly, you happen to have some really good people in your life that you like to share love and affection with... if that feels like more than friendship and it fits for you and works somehow to identify what it is that you are feeling, then call it a poly relationship if you wish. You get to describe yourself, that is a huge benefit to poly but also causes debate for some.
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