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Old 11-02-2016, 02:17 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Default Erectile dysfunction with partner, cured with meds but he keeps skipping meds!

So my husband and I have been on a long journey with dealing with his erectile dysfunction. A little over a decade ago, I noticed that his sexual response was suddenly very different, and I asked him to see his doctor. He procrastinated and stonewalled, and eventually went for a checkup and "forgot" to mention that he was having a problem. My libido was through the roof at the time, abnormally high even for me. I was so frustrated that i asked for an open marriage, which he eventually agreed to.

He eventually talked to his doctor about his issue, several years after we opened our marriage. I was not the motivation to do this, it was a new partner (who was 20 years younger than he was) who provided the motivation. He was given Cialis. It worked erratically. We entered sex therapy, and the sex therapist eventually sent him to a different doctor, who diagnosed low testosterone. It took another two years for the doc to figure out what delivery method was right for him (topical testosterone stopped working), and how much for him to take. Part of the reason it took so long was that he was not regular about communicating with, and seeing, the doctor.

Then we had several years when his testosterone was just fine, but he had such terrible performance anxiety (from years of not being able to have sex reliably), that our sex life was just as erratic as it had been. We stopped seeing the sex therapist, who hadn't been able to help him with anxiety, and he started seeing an individual therapist. I discovered, much to my unhappiness, that he did much better when I did not initiate sex at all, if I left the ball in his court all the time. This doesn't feel very natural to me, but it's what has helped him the most, zero pressure to have sex, from me. And I don't mean that I actually pressured him, I mean that flirting with him a little, and suggesting that we have sex later that day, pressures him.

For the past two years things have been more normal than they have been in ten years, and we typically have sex 1-3 times a week. But every few months, he "forgets" to take his shot, or else "forgets" to make sure the doctor reauthorizes his prescription. And then we don't have sex for a week or two or three, until he has a stable dose of testosterone in his bloodstream for a while.

I feel as if he has put me through hell when all I wanted to do was make sure we BOTH had sexual pleasure, and I'm feeling like I should just throw in the towel and find someone else to have sex with. I do have a long-distance boyfriend whom I have AMAZING sex with, but I am only able to see this partner a night here and there, maybe once a month. I have not been able to find a local sweetie who suits me for many years, and I'm demisexual, I can't be happy with a casual relationship.

Oh, and yes, I'm quite aware there are many things we can do that don't involve PIV sex, but I simply don't find any of them very satisfying, emotionally or sexually, and neither does he.

I should also add that I have asked him if his attraction to me has changed, and he insists it has not. He has no other partners at present and is not looking for any.

Last edited by scarletzinnia; 11-02-2016 at 02:23 PM.
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Old 11-02-2016, 03:21 PM
CTF CTF is offline
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Sometimes men go through this. I'm currently in a similar position, where sex just really isn't a priority. Men also sometimes have trouble admitting that there might be something wrong with the plumbing. Obviously, the two of you have figured out the low testosterone, but when that happens, sex kind of goes on the back burner.

Also, having a wife that's asking for it repeatedly, makes it tougher to get into the mood. It's hard to explain (granted, my reasons aren't testosterone related), but even when I think during the day that "tonight might be the night", it kills the mood when my wife asks for it. It's not that I don't find her attractive, but I really am just not in the mood anymore.

I really don't think it's anything personal against you. He probably is having a tough time coming to grips that he is having trouble.
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Old 11-02-2016, 09:13 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Thanks for your response, CTF. I guess what I don't get is his obvious trouble coming to grips with the fact that he has problems. His sexual problems started in 2006. It's been ten years! In that time, he's seen one internist and two urologists, and a sex therapist for almost two years. He had almost three years of individual therapy to deal with anxiety, some of it related to sexual performance issues, although not all. And the issue came up in couple's counseling too, completely separate from the abovementioned. He has sexual problems. However, over the past two years, we have had an almost completely trouble-free sex life, which I attribute to me no longer approaching him for sex AT ALL (which I hate, it doesn't feel natural to me to not ever express any interest, not when we used to have an easy, joyous give and take). Oh, and I'm always an enthusiastic partner when he approaches me. But if he doesn't take his shot every single week, then he ceases to function sexually.

Why is this so hard for men? We all get older. I'm post-menopausal and I sure don't like the fact that I no longer get wet without lube, at all. But I don't dwell on it, I simply apply a lot of lube. I accept that I need it. Why can't he accept that he needs his shot?
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Old 11-02-2016, 10:35 PM
CTF CTF is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
Thanks for your response, CTF. I guess what I don't get is his obvious trouble coming to grips with the fact that he has problems. His sexual problems started in 2006. It's been ten years! In that time, he's seen one internist and two urologists, and a sex therapist for almost two years. He had almost three years of individual therapy to deal with anxiety, some of it related to sexual performance issues, although not all. And the issue came up in couple's counseling too, completely separate from the abovementioned. He has sexual problems. However, over the past two years, we have had an almost completely trouble-free sex life, which I attribute to me no longer approaching him for sex AT ALL (which I hate, it doesn't feel natural to me to not ever express any interest, not when we used to have an easy, joyous give and take). Oh, and I'm always an enthusiastic partner when he approaches me. But if he doesn't take his shot every single week, then he ceases to function sexually.

Why is this so hard for men? We all get older. I'm post-menopausal and I sure don't like the fact that I no longer get wet without lube, at all. But I don't dwell on it, I simply apply a lot of lube. I accept that I need it. Why can't he accept that he needs his shot?

I can't speak for your husband, specifically, but, as a man myself, there can be a couple of things at play.

1: Testosterone is a bizarre hormone. When it's lacking, men can tend to lack the desire & passion to do the things we enjoy. I've seen it in men before, it just doesn't feel like a priority. With some men, it's bothersome, so they seek to fix it, with others, it's no big deal, so fixing it gets pushed down the totem pole.

2: As males, we start off very driven, and very competitive when it comes to sex. From puberty into early adulthood, it's all about getting it early & often. It's possible that, once in a position without the pressure from other males to compete for bragging rites (so to speak), that maybe the pressure is off, & he might feel comfortable without finally having to prove himself. Which could also explain why he does worse when you initiate. If he feels like he's being challenged at all, then he backs off & doesn't want to play the game.

Remember, testosterone in most cases, plays a huge part in a man's competitive nature.

Does that mean you just roll over & accept it? Not necessarily. Talk to him. Right now, it seems like he doesn't feel motivated. Maybe there are other ways to discover new methods of motivation.
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Old 11-03-2016, 01:28 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by scarletzinnia View Post
For the past two years things have been more normal than they have been in ten years, and we typically have sex 1-3 times a week. But every few months, he "forgets" to take his shot, or else "forgets" to make sure the doctor reauthorizes his prescription. And then we don't have sex for a week or two or three, until he has a stable dose of testosterone in his bloodstream for a while.

I feel as if he has put me through hell when all I wanted to do was make sure we BOTH had sexual pleasure, and I'm feeling like I should just throw in the towel and find someone else to have sex with. I do have a long-distance boyfriend whom I have AMAZING sex with, but I am only able to see this partner a night here and there, maybe once a month.
Your frustration is coming through your writing very clearly indeed. I'm sorry, I don't have the solution, just an impression.
What it seems to come down to, is that your desire to "do something" about his "problem" is far stronger then his own - which rarely works in any area of life. Maybe your even countering some of his desires - maybe he's comfortable with a week or two long breaks in his sex life. Maybe he finds irregularity interesting (relying more on spontaneity), while you show clearly that regularity is important to you. The point is, as frustrating as it is, I think you will have to find ways around the situation not relying on how he decides to handle his low testosterone. You done everything, you've made your wishes clear (over and over and over). He knows. It's up to him is he can get tuned to the same wave or not.
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Last edited by Tinwen; 11-03-2016 at 01:31 PM.
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Old 11-03-2016, 05:11 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi scarletzinnia,

This may be a side issue, but I know I personally have an aversion to needles. I would hate to give myself a shot every week. I suppose other methods of delivery don't work?

It's clear that you are extremely frustrated. I am thinking that your husband just isn't very motivated about sex, whereas you are motivated. And you can't be the one to initiate the sex, so that just makes your frustration all the worse.

I am thinking maybe you don't want sex with someone else, you want sex with your husband. If that were not so, I would quickly advise you to look for someone else to fill that particular need. As it is, perhaps you can modify your method of approaching your husband. Like, I don't know if you are asking or telling him to take his shots. I would suggest asking, which is less pushy than telling.

Also possibly you could sit down with him and just explain how frustrating it is to you, that you've been working on this for ten years and are still getting spotty results even when the solution (the shots) is available. Then ask him what his side of the story is. And listen.

But maybe you've already done these things ...
With sympathy,
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Old 11-04-2016, 02:33 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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Thanks so much, CTF and Tinwen and kdt for your input and suggestions. kdt, husband did try topical testosterone for over a year. It stopped working. That happens in a small amount of patients. His doctor thought that the time-released implants were not very effective, so the only delivery method left was the shot. Husband says he doesn't have a problem with needles and the pain is minimal for him.

Husband and I had a talk last night about who initiates sex and what might work better for him. What he says he wants is for me to initiate sex the way I used to, but then be perfectly, 100 percent ok if sex does not happen. And also, perfectly, 100 percent OK if I invite sexual play and he "forgets" that I did. Because what used to happen is that I would flirt with him during a given day and suggest that I wanted sex to happen later that day or the next morning, and he'd act like he was pleased by the suggestion, but eight hours or two hours or even an hour later, he'd be preoccupied with something else (even something as random as reading Facebook), and "forget" that we talked about it. So I'd end up feeling rejected and as if he didn't care about my needs. And also, I'd end up feeling like he took my interest in him for granted.

I already feel rejected enough by the fact that, since we opened our marriage, the two times he has had additional, recurring sexual partners, he could function reliably with them, but not me. And also, by the fact that it was a potential partner, someone half his age whom he barely knew at the time, whose existence was what motivated him to start addressing his issues in the first place, when I'd been begging him to seek medical help for something like four years.

In addition, I've had two serious, long-term poly relationships with men who were barely functional in the bedroom. They were both people I loved very much and our sex lives together were not the reason we broke up, at all, but my point is, I am beyond sick of dealing with this, with everyone, not just husband. I am tired of being supportive and understanding and positive and flirtatious (but not pressuring!) and buying lingerie and suggesting reading sexy stories together or watching porn (which I usually hate anyway). Yesterday I went online to order lube and left the order unfinished.

I want to feel like a priority. I want to feel desired. I get that from my second partner, briefly, every month, when we both drive an hour and a half to spend the night together. I have told husband that I want this from him too. He said, last night, that I am not giving him credit for the many weeks when he remembers to take his shot, I'm just focusing on the four or five times he has skipped it. But I really don't understand what is so hard about remembering to do things 100 percent of the time. We have phones that we can set to beep at us to remember to do things. I am very forgetful myself and I never miss appointments, because I have my phone. It's not hard.

Sorry for the vent, I just feel a bit at my wit's end with all this. And yes, kdt, I want to be with my husband and my boyfriend. If I thought I could be happy with a casual relationship with, I'd find one of those. And nothing else has been offered to me in literally years and I'm not holding my breath that anyone ever will again.
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Old 11-04-2016, 03:30 PM
CTF CTF is offline
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You're welcome. Sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm helping, but I'd like to think that I try .

Upon reading your most recent post, I think that a bit more light was shed on the situation. I'm glad that the two of you were able to have a talk. But after reading those details, it actually appears that your husband is much more like my wife in a lot of ways. I used to feel rejected when it came to sex, because the times I initiated it, she didn't seem to be in the mood. She just wasn't that into to sex. Once a week was more than enough for her, whereas, I had those urges 3-4 times a week easily. Of course, now things have changed for me, to the point where I can go months without it standing on my head, but that's another matter.

We did some of the same things. Make plans for later that evening, only to have it "forgotten" about because of online activity running late, etc. So I totally get the rejection. And my wife didn't seem to start getting her mojo back - for lack of a better term - until she began the long, LONG conversations with jersey. He was a few years younger, but not half her age. He was also (in my opinion) hideous. But they had a lot in common with the games, etc... So something obviously developed, and she had this renewed sense of her sexuality that put her into the mood. The problem was, I grew concerned about whether or not she was thinking about him when we were together.

I wish I had some good advice for you. If nothing else, please know that you're not alone in those feelings. But maybe it's time to put more focus on the boyfriend instead.
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Old 11-04-2016, 04:24 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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A piece of possible input on this, maybe it is relevant and maybe it isn't, ok?

I actually did some science with the concept of hormones at one point, before I had my tubes tied, I went on birth control pills for a few months. The side effects eventually prompted me to abandon that and go get my tubal ligation, but that's not the point. During the time I was on the pill, I was suddenly NOT even attractive to men who had been avidly chasing me prior to me going on the pill, when I was fertile.

I did a bit of research and found that pill affects my hormones, which can affect men's response and reaction to me. I was not releasing any of the desire triggering hormones that can affect men.

And then my ex bought a bottle of the perfume that his crush had been wearing, to remind him of her, and he sprayed it all over the damn garage one night. We had some of his guy friends over that weekend. I noticed that all the men were acting weird. Aggressive, competitive, and downright grouchy to each other. Come to find out that the perfume contained "female pheromones."

Cue the raised eyebrow reaction...like...what? So apparently, maybe, women's "pheromones" (fertility signalling hormone scents) cause testosterone to naturally spike in men.

Why is this interesting in your case? Well, you say you are post-menopausal. And you say you've had issues with libido and desire in multiple male partners you have had. And you say that your guy has had less issue when he had a younger partner (was she fertile?) Like this could just be a matter of biochemistry.

I wonder if you did an experiment, research some of the "human pheromone" perfumes, buy one if it's not too expensive, and without telling him, use it or spray it in the house when you're around...just to see if maybe it has any effect?

FOR SCIENCE!
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Old 11-04-2016, 04:53 PM
scarletzinnia scarletzinnia is offline
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That is fascinating, Spork. With regards to my two past partners with sexual dysfunction, one of them had circulation damage due to diabetes and past heavy drinking, and the other one also had low testosterone that may not have been treated properly. Second one also was probably not very attracted to me, I just didn't want to face that at the time, I was crazy in love. With husband, his sexual problems started when I was around 40 and not anywhere near menopause. But heck, you may still be onto something. I didn't know that one could buy perfume with female pheremones, but I will definitely be checking that out, thanks!
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