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  #1  
Old 11-05-2015, 01:19 AM
mb1 mb1 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Default Want to ask for an Open Marriage, help!!!

I want an open marriage, and I think my husband may be ok with how I'm feeling. I'm nervous about how to approach the conversation.
Our Background:
Married over a decade. Best friends,rarely fight,loving and we laugh PLUS we're dynamite parents. While having kids (4) I felt so un-sexual, even though I have always loved sex. I refused my husband so many times, that I starting feeling bad. But also in the back of my mind have always gotten excited about new sex with someone I just met..that honeymoon stage. Since 18, I crave the butterflies and someone new sex , with someone I like, no strangers.

Back to our marriage, I told him I was ok with him going outside our marriage that I felt bad for not craving sex. I mentioned it twice, he never really said he would, he just listened. We did not bring it up again. 6 months later I found him meeting and texting with someone who he went to college with and is divorced now. I was furious that he was sneaking and lying. Back to the point, its been 3 years since that happened and in August I found her name in his website google search.

Me: I was hurt to see her name, but my mindset is different. I feel like the old me where I want that new excitement someone new could bring. We know we are best friends and that we'll do whatever to keep our kids happy. I still desire him and he does me.

Am I crazy thinking we have what it takes to make it work? My wish is that we have rules and keep us first. No group or couple dating, just us both have the blessing to communicate and see someone else individually, be it friends, sex, care-for someone else with a limit to keep us first.

It is scary to cross the line, but I don't want to cheat and he already has.
Any thoughts and words of advice appreciated, please..... : )

Thanks!
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  #2  
Old 11-05-2015, 01:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Posts: 4,918
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I think you could talk to him MORE. The first time you seem to talk too little:

Quote:
Back to our marriage, I told him I was ok with him going outside our marriage that I felt bad for not craving sex.
Quote:
6 months later I found him meeting and texting with someone who he went to college with and is divorced now. I was furious that he was sneaking and lying.
Quote:
I don't want to cheat and he already has.
You told him it was ok and then learned you were NOT ok after all. That you didn't like how he did it. That you wanted to frame the "how we do this" a bit better and not just leave it to him to do however he chose.

Having learned from that experience, I think you could ask if he's willing to talk to you and read.... NOT Open just yet. Just read things together and see what it is like. Assess your skills and see what might need growing first.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
https://www.morethantwo.com

Galagirl
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  #3  
Old 11-06-2015, 01:45 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi mb1,

You said that your husband cheated, which makes me think he promised you he would tell you if he was going to see someone. Did he make that promise? If not, then it's possible he misunderstood your agreement with him.

If you want to try an open marriage with him, make sure he knows the rules and conditions you want him to follow. Get some kind of confirmation from him that he understands and agrees. Maybe print something up and see if he's willing to sign it. Of course, agreements can be changed, but the idea is to get both of you on the same page so you can refer back to that. From time to time you can talk about how things are going and decide if you want to print up a new agreement.

Things probably won't go perfectly, but it seems to me that pursuing an open marriage would be an okay thing to do. It's your call, of course.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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