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  #1  
Old 05-11-2011, 05:34 PM
sundrop sundrop is offline
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Default Confused, New, Rambling, advice?

Hi all I am not sure what I am doing writing on this forum but here I am writing so lets see what happens


First off I am very much a mono , who is very muchly in love with a poly

We have been talking for almost a year but in the last couple of months things have became VERY much more serious. and being the only mono here I am in need of some major advice .

Him and his wife have been living this lifestyle for a lil over 8 years so they are very much okay with it and it doesnt seem odd to them at all . Which is wonderful for them but I kinda am well for lack of better words lost . They live together with her live in boyfriend also . which is okay for all of them who are constantly surrounded by each other and very close . But for me its kinda intimdating almost . I mean I rushed into meeting his wife and there children becuase they meant so much to him that I Just wanted to make him happy by meeting them . I was very glad I did after I did it but I realized at that very moment how very hard this may actually be . His wife is nothing like me she is very muchly open with everything her feeling her thoughts sometimes even things that dont need to be spoken about . I mean I appreciate the fact that she pretty much has opened up her life to someone she barley knows becuase she can see he loves me ,but im also scared shitless . There perfect picture is someday us all living under one roof being a big happy co exsisting family . I dont know if im too mono but I dont really think I could ever do that . I mean its hard for me to watch him show her affection or talk about loving her which I assume I will get use to and its just my human behavior getting the best of me. Because in my head I know he loves her and his kids and I NEVER wanna come between them .. I guess I just am wondering is it selfish to want part of us to just be me and him I dont need everyone knowing everything about me or us . I mean I can hang out with all of them and we all talk but is there a point where I signed away all my privacy?? Is dating him mean I have to date them too ? I know emotions are gunna get way worse before they get better But I try to not get jealous that they are all constantly together and all happy and im just chillin alone doing whatever I know its new and gunna take some work but I need some direction .. I tried talking to my friends and all I learned was that people cant grasp things they dont understand ..
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  #2  
Old 05-11-2011, 06:57 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Hi Sundrop,

I think this thread may give you some things to think about.

What does a single gal like me get out of dating a married man like you?"

Just try to avoid the back and forth waste of time comments that myself and another previous member got caught up in. The thread does have some very good points.
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Old 05-12-2011, 11:27 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome! If you haven't already, do a tag search on 'mono/poly' and read what others in similar situations have done.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sundrop View Post
His wife is nothing like me she is very muchly open with everything her feeling her thoughts sometimes even things that dont need to be spoken about . I mean I appreciate the fact that she pretty much has opened up her life to someone she barley knows becuase she can see he loves me ,but im also scared shitless . There perfect picture is someday us all living under one roof being a big happy co exsisting family.
What does not need to be spoken about? People have very different comfort levels when it comes to intimate details of their lives. From my experience, people who blabber the most about themselves usually are not that worried about privacy, and have more of a 'I have very few things to hide' -mentality. If you feel she is oversharing with you, you need to communicate that in a considerate, non-judgemental way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sundrop View Post
I guess I just am wondering is it selfish to want part of us to just be me and him I dont need everyone knowing everything about me or us.
Have you experienced breaches of trust on his part, in that he has been telling his wife intimate details of your life and your relationship with him? Because if you didn't agree to it, then it's not okay. You are entitled to your privacy just like any other human being is. I am one of those poly blabbers who talk about everything with everyone but you obviously are not cool with it and therefore, you need to negotiate clear boundaries with him and the other two on what is and what is not common knowledge.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sundrop View Post
I mean I can hang out with all of them and we all talk but is there a point where I signed away all my privacy?? Is dating him mean I have to date them too ?
No, but it does mean you need to take into consideration that you four might have different definitions and expectations of this relationship. It seems they are looking for a fourth family member, and you are mono willing to try poly because you fell in love with a poly guy. They might have it hard understanding that. So you need to tell them!

Quote:
Originally Posted by sundrop View Post
But I try to not get jealous that they are all constantly together and all happy and im just chillin alone doing whatever I know its new and gunna take some work but I need some direction
Why are you chilling alone? Go out, meet friends, cultivate a new interest or revive an old one! Having life outside of the relationship is essential for many monos in mono/poly situations.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:29 PM
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The only thing I would add is to talk to him about what your needs are. It sounds like you have thought of a few. Privacy is important to you for one.

You don't have to be like her, but taking her as she is might be helpful. It could be that she wants it all to work out so much that she over talked and made herself overly vulnerable when you first met. I would think that would calm down with time. All of it will likely calm with time and as they all get to know you. What you need to think about is what you will do with YOUR time or whether or not you really want a relationship like this.

Oh, ya, and you don't have to date or be intimate with anyone you are not attracted to. That is not a poly rule
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Old 05-13-2011, 07:32 AM
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His (and her) fantasy of forming a poly tribe doesn't have to become your fantasy, just because you're involved with him. You certainly have a right to your own autonomy and don't have to move in with them, date them, or even be friends with them if you don't want to. If you need a certain amount of distance, express that need to him. A polite and friendly acknowledgment of his wife and family should be sufficient if you do not wish to invest in that aspect of his life. If that isn't good enough for him and them, and he becomes insistent, then you both will have choices to make about whether to continue or not, and where to make compromises and set boundaries.

Don't ever feel that you should set aside your needs or put yourself in a situation that makes you feel like you are at odds with your convictions, or with what would make a relationship satisfying to you. A little discomfort is okay - we all learn and grow from that, but you shouldn't have to twist yourself like a pretzel into something you're not just because he wants certain things from a relationship. You don't have to sacrifice your privacy if that is important to you, and you shouldn't have to defend yourself for needing that either.
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Old 07-26-2011, 02:53 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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There are many things to think about here. Maybe they have been in a swinging life for year but the whole seeing her husband totally in love with someone else has never happened before. Maybe this is all just as new for her as it is for you and she just needs some time. It is not necessary for you to ďdateĒ his family too. Just because she might have a way of how she would like life to turn out doesnít mean she doesnít know that one day her husband will be splitting his time between your house and hers. It just might be easier for her to adjust to all of this upheaval right now by having you there so she can get used to it. If she says something that bothers you or that you donít want to know tell her that is isnít something you want to hear. Like a wise person once said ďIím not you I donít think like you so you have to tell meĒ I bet if you gave her a chance to work on her you will find life can be much better. I know for me EVERYTHING changed last night. My eyes are open now and I will leave you alone. I donít expect you to come hang out with us because I know how you really feel about me now. I will respect your life and privacy. I wonít text you or try to talk to you if you donít want. He can live his life I am not worried about me getting used to things anymore because it doesnít really matter. I have been trying to do everything I can to make transitioning into the life easier but I guess I have been too worried about you and your feelings that I couldnít see how I was acting I guess. I will need to know that when I do get time with him that the night will not be filled with all of this drama as soon as I get off work that usually ruins what time I have with him. I know the last thing either on us needs is shit talking to him against the other. It is not good and I donít do it to you. Every time I think things are going good then SMACK right in the face. I care about you because my husband loves you so very much and I never want to see him hurting. And I know when you do walk away from all of this because of whichever reason you tell yourself he will be devastated. Everyone cares about you and I guess that sucks for you. I am sorry if I was tooÖ.everything. Now that I know how you really feel about me I will leave you alone.
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Old 07-27-2011, 03:42 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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lol Sorry about my rant I didn't realize the post was from a couple of months ago.
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Old 07-30-2011, 09:18 PM
sundrop sundrop is offline
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That post was from when this all started .. things are way different now ur rants fine I guess I should read the post IDK What i wrote in it for sure but sorry lol
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Old 08-02-2011, 02:24 PM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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No reason to be sorry. I was a little emotional when I wrote this and I didn't look at the date.
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