Advice Needed: Friend wants threesome. I do not.

I need some advice. This may be one of my longest posts but I need to add context around the situation.

I need to give my soon to be ex-husband a name on here. His name will be William. William had a friend back in high school. I will call her Angela. William had always had a crush on Angela. William and Angela reconnected about 7 years ago. She and him started a romantic/sexual relationship. However, they were treating this relationship more like swingers/FWB than poly. Her and I got very close and became good friends over the past several years.

She is very caring and sweet. She has always known me to be in this type of lifestyle with William even though I was not nearly as active in it as he was.
I started dating Nox two years ago. Six months ago, I informed my parents immediate family that I was dating Nox and we were in a poly relationship. Up until six months ago, she was one of the very few people that knew I was dating him. She has known since the beginning of Nox and my relationship.
She knew right away I liked him very much. I have always been very open and honest when I talked to her about him and our relationship.

Over a year ago, she and I went to visit him for a weekend. One of the two nights we were visiting him, we had a threesome. This was a onetime thing and we had not made any plans to continue this in the future.

Fast forward about a year… I am now going through a divorce with William. Nox has been very supportive during this time. Angela has seen that and is very appreciative that he is in my life.

I have had a conversation with her that we are closed and not doing anything like that. She implied that she understood.

This past weekend Nox, myself, Angela, her date (first date guy), and several other friends all went out together. We all were drinking and having a great time. She informed me on the walk back from the bathroom that she is even more attracted to Nox now, because she sees how “into me” he is. She also said that she really wants to be involved in our relationship, if she could. It was a short walk and so many people were around, we didn’t get into any type of conversation around that.

Nox went home on Sunday and I went to visit her. Angela and I are both going through a divorce and have been supporting each other during this time. Our visits are a lot more regular now than usual. So yesterday I spent the whole day with her. I avoided talking about Nox yesterday. Angela brought him up several times. These are the statements she has made recently:
• I can’t wait until we have our next threesome.
• I really want to please him sexually as a thank you, because he treats you so well
• I really felt our chemistry Friday night and I think he wants me too

I told her that I was not wanting a threesome. I am not comfortable talking about it because we are not doing that type of thing in our relationship. She said, “You have always been in this lifestyle. You don’t know how to be monogamous with someone, because you have never been. You just need to get through this divorce and you will be back to yourself.”

I am assuming that she is denying what I am saying because she really wants this. That is my assumption based on her actions and not fact.

How can I explain this to her so she will understand? Am I not being clear enough?

You already explained it clearly. It doesn't matter what she thinks or says.

How gross, telling you she knows what you want better than you do.

I would just blow it off and if she keeps pestering you, you're gonna have to spell it out like you did for all of us here. She might need to get hurt, offended, or alienated in order to get the message. That's on her though. But if i was the one hinting at threesomes and getting at best a "meh we'll see" to at worse a"no way", i'd dial back my expectations and cool my jets unless and until the other people brought it up again. And i have zero social skills when it comes to these things.

I told her that I was not wanting a threesome. I am not comfortable talking about it because we are not doing that type of thing in our relationship.

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That seems crystal clear to me!

How can I explain this to her so she will understand?

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Why is that your job? You have already done your job, You answered her and explained how you feel. Her ability to digest that and her understanding-ness is her job. Not yours.

Do not JADE. (Justify, argue, defend or explain.) Not your job to explain again or assuage her disappointment or denial or whatever she's feeling. Don't get sucked into draining circle conversations.

She said, “You have always been in this lifestyle. You don’t know how to be monogamous with someone, because you have never been. You just need to get through this divorce and you will be back to yourself.”

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If you feel like being brusque but to the point? "I didn't say I wasn't in the lifestyle. I said I did not want another threesome with YOU. Please respect my limit and don't bring it up again."


If you feel like being "nicer" -- "Could you repeat back what I just said in your own words so I know you got it how I meant it?"

• She's either gonna hem and haw -- which means she heard the "no" but doesn't want to respect your limit.
  
• Or she's going to say "You said no." Because you were pretty damn clear.

Either way you can then say "Sounds like you heard the 'No.' This topic is no longer up for discussion. Please respect my limit and don't bring it up again."

Then play the broken record if she has the poor manners to bring it up again.

If she says "Buy whyyyyy?" or whatever? You say "I have said this topic is not up for discussion. When you do not respect my limit and keep on bringing it up repeatedly, how is that being a respectful friend? If you need to process, please do it with someone else. I am not the right person."

Let it be her problem. Not yours.

If she keeps on? Stop hanging out with her. You have learned she is not actually your friend. Friends are respectful. She's being FRESH and pushy. She's putting what she wants (a threesome) over what you need (to be heard the first time, and to be treated respectfully.)

End of story. You don't have to go round in circles with this.

Galagirl

Angela may simply be horny, lonely, lacking physical intimacy/touch/closeness and/or in need of feeling reassured regarding her desirability, due to her pending divorce.

I'm not sure if she has other partners right now - it wasn't clear - however, she may feel that as you're both going through a divorce, have been supporting each other emotionally, and been intimate once before, that you'll be willing to give her what she wants.

That said...

A couple of things Angela said to you sound more like she is developing a crush on Nox, or already has feelings for him. How does HE feel about her? Has he ever mentioned wanting another threesome with you and Angela? Has he mentioned her at all in a way you're not comfortable with?

There is also the possibility that she sees how well he treats you and how "into you" he is, and is somewhat envious - wanting a piece of the action for herself. She was with your (soon to be ex) husband in the past, you say, though I'm not sure if that's ongoing. If she keeps pushing for this, I think you may need to clearly spell out that just because you're both living a poly "lifestyle", does not mean YOUR partners are automatically up for grabs where she is concerned.

Is Angela bisexual? Because there is also a possibility that her interest in a threesome with Nox is a ruse to obscure her sexual interest in you. If she has a crush on you or is into you sexually, but knows you're not really into women, she may be offering to have a threesome in order to be intimate with you again.

txgirl said:

How can I explain this to her so she will understand? Am I not being clear enough?

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Your title said it all. None of the long story changes anything.

You don't want a threesome. End of story. Why is this even a question? How do you explain???? "No."

If she asks again? "No."

If she asks again? "No."

If she's too stupid to see a pattern, quit hanging out with her. Quit answering the phone.

lunabunny said:

I'm not sure if she has other partners right now - it wasn't clear - however, she may feel that as you're both going through a divorce, have been supporting each other emotionally, and been intimate once before, that you'll be willing to give her what she wants.

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She does have 2 men she is currently having only sex with. She is not interested in poly, she has more of a swinger mindset.

lunabunny said:

A couple of things Angela said to you sound more like she is developing a crush on Nox, or already has feelings for him. How does HE feel about her? Has he ever mentioned wanting another threesome with you and Angela? Has he mentioned her at all in a way you're not comfortable with?

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.

Nox would be better at answering how he feels about her.

He has not mentioned her in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. He has said that he doesn't have a problem with threesomes in our future, but they have to be something we both consent to. He doesn't want me to participate in something sexually with him that I will not enjoy.

lunabunny said:

There is also the possibility that she sees how well he treats you and how "into you" he is, and is somewhat envious - wanting a piece of the action for herself. She was with your (soon to be ex) husband in the past, you say, though I'm not sure if that's ongoing. If she keeps pushing for this, I think you may need to clearly spell out that just because you're both living a poly "lifestyle", does not mean YOUR partners are automatically up for grabs where she is concerned.

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William and Angela are not intimate anymore. I think this is great advice. She may think that my partners are available because we are poly. This is a good question to ask her.

lunabunny said:

Is Angela bisexual? Because there is also a possibility that her interest in a threesome with Nox is a ruse to obscure her sexual interest in you. If she has a crush on you or is into you sexually, but knows you're not really into women, she may be offering to have a threesome in order to be intimate with you again.

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Angela is bisexual. She even had a conversation with first date guy that she wants to marry me. She would give up men if I wanted her to. I always chalk it up as flirtation. She has even teased me that if Nox doesn't "put a ring on my finger" she will. I just think she is playing around and trying to be funny and flirty.

I am not really bisexual. I have had experiences in the past, but I really prefer men. I would not go out seeking women. I am not opposed to having a female experience, if a man in involved.

To everyone giving the great advice, thank you.

Angela is pretty broken right now and is probably envious. She has a full plate and doesn't have much time to spend dating. I think she wants to have what I have with Nox by extension or without having to put in the effort to develop that bond/intimacy with someone.

When she brings it up again, I am not going to give any reason behind it anymore. I am just going to tell her, "No, we are not interested in a threesome."

Leave it at that.

Weird. So she's got a big ol crush on you. She wants to fuck you. Even hints at marriage. But she's a swinger so why would she want to marry you? Weird to joke about it.

If she wants to fuck Nox, she can go fuck Nox. If he wants to. That's up to him and her to work out.

Unless you'd really rather Nox not fuck her, which you'd have to request from Nox. He can express whether he'd like to or not. She might be on your "messy list."

She sounds needy and seems to be acting irrationally. I'm sorry for her that her relationship with William didn't work out. (off topic: William must be flailing losing both of you at once!) But she's got 2 other fuck buddies. And now she's trying to get in your and Nox's pants! Maybe she's someone you want to back away from a bit... Perhaps you should at least avoid drinking with her for a good while, so neither of you do or say something you'll later regret.

Hi txgirl,

It seems to me that Angela does understand you ... she just doesn't believe you. When you say you don't want a threesome, she thinks you're only saying that because of the divorce you're going through. You may have to repeat yourself a lot in the future before she'll start to believe you. I hope I'm wrong, but ...

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.