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Old 06-18-2011, 09:14 AM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Default Frustrated and not sure what to do now

I need advice. I've been in this a while, so I suppose I'm not really "new" to polyamory, but the situation is very complex and I am not trying to come off as playing a victim or painting the situation in my favor in any way, but I am sort of upset right now, so I probably came off like that anyway. I'm not trying to make my boyfriend sound like a bad guy. Please, please don't be harsh! Thanks in advance, and I apologize for the wall of text.

I am very unhappy. My boyfriend and I have been together since the fall of 2008. He is in another relationship with a gay male (my boyfriend's bisexuality is the basis for their relationship, and I am understanding of bisexuality but I do not feel as he does, that it requires two relationships at once). I am not allowed to date others, but I don't want to anyway. My problem is that I get really upset and jealous of his other relationship. I often blame myself thinking "if I was skinny and pretty and more interesting he wouldn't want to leave me". I can't help these thoughts. The other person is 90 lbs, and I am about 165, a bit overweight. I feel like that is a factor. My weight is usually a subject of teasing (lately he text messaged me pictures of his desserts since I've been trying to lose weight and that...hurt). I feel un-special and like I am only worth half of a person. I know that the other person is treated completely different. I have thought about breaking up a lot, but I don't feel as though this is something I can do. I always feel guilty and as though I'm making a huge mistake and letting him down and proving to him and everyone else what a failure and liar I must be (a liar by saying that I love him and wouldn't leave him, then breaking up that is). He wrote me an e-mail today telling about his feelings, related to my withdrawal for two days (explained more further down). It is very accusatory, but we have talked since then. At this point, I really don't know what to do. I told him I'd try again and find a way to deal with things.

I feel like I was duped into the "dynamic" as he calls it. Initially he indicated that he was single and swears it wasn't really a lie since the other person received the "official" boyfriend title later on. So it wasn't a "real" relationship in his eyes--they were just having sex and going on dates. I didn't know, but when I found out, he cried to me and told me it was over. I found out later that it wasn't, so I stayed. It might sound ridiculous, but I kept thinking it would end and that he would choose me. I was allowed to talk to his friend at one point (although they seemed to tell him everything I said, even in private) about the situation. I was accused of manipulation, playing the victim, lying, and of being molested and having blocked out the memories for being upset by the situation by his friend (although I have never been molested!). I don't feel as though anyone really understands.

His other person is disrespectful towards me whenever the opportunity is available. I've talked to my boyfriend extensively about the problems with this and how much it hurts me, but this never helps much, and usually he feels as though I am attacking him (though I'm careful not to). I am careful not to insult him or the other person when talking to him, intentionally (me and the other person do not talk presently, and this person has extensively used and manipulated and back-stabbed me in the past, as I have tried to get along MANY times before, and my boyfriend agrees that I gave them plenty of chances and that it isn't my fault they hate me so much...they just hate me). They have been given information from him (such as the fact that I cannot have children) that was private. I feel betrayed by this. He says he messed up with that. I don't understand why the other person needs my personal information though...

I am not perfect, so I will list his issues with me, so that it doesn't seem that I am simply whining and "playing a victim" as I have been accused of doing. I am far from perfect. I had a friend who was male who tried to date me. I ignored the warning signs until they were right in my face (stupidly), not wanting to believe them. I cut this friend out of my life as a last resort, although I should have done it sooner. A lot of my boyfriend's friends have implicated me to cheating, but I did not (he has a lot of gay friends who want to date him and so I feel that that is an influence). I did not want to date this person. My boyfriend brings this up a lot, and I do understand that he is hurt by it, but I was not unfaithful. I can't seem to get him to believe me though. Although the entirety of this occurred December 2009-February 2010, it is still brought up today very often. Also, I lied about buying a piece of computer software back in early 2009 (I did not buy it and he wanted me to). The fact that I lied (I admit it and I have explained and apologized many times) is still brought up. I have also put off some very important things and said that I would, waited until the deadline he gave me, and not done them. He says this is lying, since I did not do what I said I would. He says that all of his friends, family, and therapist tell him to dump me for these reasons. I have tried to make up my worth to him, to have him be nice to me (he has issues with anger and putting me down / namecalling, but he is working on them somewhat) and choose me. I have done college math homework and made powerpoint presentation slides for him in the past (sometimes even at the expense of my own or studying) and stayed up late talking to him when he wanted that. I was not there for him 100% of the time, but I did the best I could with that for a long time. Recently I have withdrawn a bit when the insults got too much to bear...but I always feel bad for doing this and we talk about it. His friends and family say he deserves better, and I have even been called abusive by them for the reasons I listed above.

I know this kind of relationship works for people (since there is a whole community behind it). How do I deal with all of the depression and feelings of not being good enough? My boyfriend says he loves me and I believe him, but I'm aware that he says the same thing to the other person and whenever he leaves me for them, I feel like I did something wrong, or he got tired of me. I'm not trying to control him!!...I just feel so depleted, so miserable from this situation. When he goes to be with them, I wish he was wanting to be with me instead...it's as if my head can follow what he says about me not being "enough", but not fully, and the emotional part won't catch up.

I'm not condemning anyone or insulting, and please don't take it that way. I just...can't understand why it has to be this way. Has anyone felt like this before? Is it normal in this situation? Can I get past it? Should I stop talking to my boyfriend about this? When I talk about it, he calls it me "busting his balls". Maybe some poly people do not feel comfortable usually discussing the these things with their partners? This isn't the way I pictured love being for me.

I am not allowed to talk to a therapist about this issue (he is afraid they will convince me to leave him). I also feel embarrassed to talk to a friend about what is going on (but I'm not really allowed to talk to people about it). I don't feel like anyone would believe me. I have looked online for resources on how to deal with cheating (I feel like I am being cheated on and expected to live with it). Am I being unreasonable by being upset? Am I being selfish by wanting him to myself? I cannot influence him to stop seeing the other person (he has said he would rather drop me than change, and "why should I change my relationship with him for you?" to me) Is that okay, or does it seem like he should wait a bit of time when I am upset and spend some time with me?

I feel abandoned and I don't know how to change myself. I feel like I need to. I feel so depressed that I think about suicide all the time because of this. I feel like he's leaving me, and that he'd rather not be with me, but he does come back. It's resurfaced old issues of self mutilation (cutting / scratching) and suicidal thoughts. He told me that his therapist said I must be making up these things though, since I do not document the cutting (I don't understand that). I feel so alone in this. How do I change myself? My outlook? How do I deal with the "sharing" as he calls it? How do I deal with the hostility of the other person?
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:20 AM
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Xared Xared is offline
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Wow. If I was the kind of person that told other people what to do, I'd say run from this situation. Run, and don't look back! However, you are your own person, and you need to make your own decisions. Therefore, I won't tell you to get out of it.

Still, this situation is bad. Your boyfriend may love you, and he may be a good person deep down, but he isn't treating you very well, and it seems he has no respect for you. You love him, but that doesn't mean you have to accept being treated this way, and that you don't deserve to be treated like a person.

What do you want? For a moment, forget about what you think you should want, or what you think is expected of you, or what other people want from you. What do you want? We'll go from there.

Also, I thought I should address this: I am a psychology student. Some of the things you've attributed to your boyfriend's therapist I find disturbing. If he's telling the truth, it sounds like this therapist is acting very unethically.
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Old 06-18-2011, 10:49 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Hello and welcome .

I come from a VERY similar place--the place where the partner calls names, belittles you, does nothing to raise you up...

He may love you, you may love him but love, by itself, does not a relationship make!

I know you don't want to hear this, and it's gonna sound harsh, but this is an abusive relationship. Not all abusive relationships are physically abusive. In some ways the physically abusive ones are easier to deal with and recognize. They heal more quickly, are easier to spot. The ones where it's emotional/mental the heal time is far, FAR longer if the healing happens at all.

For your own sanity, self esteem and self worth GET OUT NOW!

If, IF, things were different....he didn't call the names, belittle you, etc. ...you could maybe work through the jealousy and any other issues.

My personal suggestion is to get yourself a therapist (your school should have them for free or low cost) and lose the boyfriend. Spend some time with yourself, getting to know yourself, learning who you are and what you want in life. Concentrate on raising your self image, getting your degree (or whatever your going for in school), your self esteem....get out with other friends and enjoy what life has to offer in your area.

It can be a very long road up from the depths where you are but it is SO worth the journey and effort!

Check out my blog http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2142 if you like, I think I put some of my journey in there. If not I'll be happy to. You can pm me if you would like.

What ever you decide to do you've got a long road ahead of you, make the best of it.
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Old 06-18-2011, 12:46 PM
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O my. I was speechless there for a minute. I am going to be honest and tell you.. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST! I look at myself and see enough of my flaws without someone jamming a damn poker in each one lol. But I love me. I took plenty of emotional and verbal abuse for many many many years. Not by a lover. But by my mother. I have ALWAYS been the fat cow the never good enough one. good lord I could spend 3 years typing up all the crap that woman put me through. And thats what it is CRAP. 90 lbs. Im sorry unless your 4 ft tall 90 lbs is NOT healthy. Im tall dont get me wrong but I weigh about the same as you. Sure I have some love handles. Sure I have stretch marks.(I earned those battle scars having my boys ) And my ass isnt as firm as it once was lol. But its ok. Im alright with it. Hubby is plenty alright with it. And the other guys I have met so far are alright with it. Love who I am or dont love me at all. I will exercise when I want how I want. Eat what I want. lol. And buy what I want. No ones saying hes this god awful guy. But you sound like your surrounded by negative bitter people. I would honestly walk away. Stand on your own and love you. No one needs to be made to feel like shit.

Chris
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Old 06-18-2011, 12:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You're "not allowed to talk to a therapist" about this?

I'm not even reading the rest of your post. If you're stupid enough to take this bullshit, and even DO HIS MATH HOMEWORK for him, then more power to you. Go ahead and throw away your life. It's your life after all and if this is how much you value it, then of course you're going to find others who value you as you value yourself. You're your own abuser in this situation. Your post oozes with self-hatred. It made me feel nauseous just skimming it.

All you need to complete this wonderful picture is have a baby. Better get started on that.

Good weekend to you.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-18-2011 at 01:19 PM.
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Old 06-18-2011, 02:11 PM
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What's in it for you? I'm failing to see the upside here. Your boyfriend teases you in hurtful ways, has lied to you in the past, accuses you of lying about a variety of things, doesn't stand up for you to his other partner, refuses to allow the thought of letting you have another partner and uses you to get his homework done. I really don't see any redeeming qualities in this relationship.

You also say that you don't want to talk to a therapist about this because you're afraid they'll convince you to leave him. If the inking of a thought of leaving him wasn't already there this wouldn't even be on your radar as a concern.

165lbs ISN'T fat. It's curvy and womanly. I know there are a lot of women on this board who consider that their ideal body weight that they are striving towards. Thinner and prettier doesn't mean happier by any stretch of the imagination. Anyone who would want you more if you were thinner just isn't worth having you the way you are.

This relationship seems to be making you miserable. You are the only one who can change it. It's scary and hard to leave something you're used to but until you do, how can you know what else is out there and possible for you?
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Old 06-18-2011, 02:57 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Merxill View Post
I feel abandoned and I don't know how to change myself. I feel like I need to. I feel so depressed that I think about suicide all the time because of this. I feel like he's leaving me, and that he'd rather not be with me, but he does come back. It's resurfaced old issues of self mutilation (cutting / scratching) and suicidal thoughts. He told me that his therapist said I must be making up these things though, since I do not document the cutting (I don't understand that). I feel so alone in this. How do I change myself? My outlook? How do I deal with the "sharing" as he calls it? How do I deal with the hostility of the other person?
Why in hell are you still with him? Walk on and leave him behind. Codependence is an ugly thing and I'll recommend finding a therapist to help you recover from that toxic relationship.

Or you can choose to stay with him and suffer.
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Old 06-18-2011, 05:34 PM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
You're "not allowed to talk to a therapist" about this?

I'm not even reading the rest of your post. If you're stupid enough to take this bullshit, and even DO HIS MATH HOMEWORK for him, then more power to you. Go ahead and throw away your life. It's your life after all and if this is how much you value it, then of course you're going to find others who value you as you value yourself. You're your own abuser in this situation. Your post oozes with self-hatred. It made me feel nauseous just skimming it.

All you need to complete this wonderful picture is have a baby. Better get started on that.

Good weekend to you.

This is very cruel to say. I said in my post that I cannot have children, nor would I want to with a situation like this and people like this in my life. I know your post is full of sarcasm, but I asked that replies not be harsh... Imagine you'd been manipulated for years and that literally everyone in your life told you that you mistreated the person who is mistreating you...that you were guilted and harassed every time you tried to leave--even a death threat last year. That NO ONE BELIEVES YOU...

I'm not stupid. Please dont call me that. I've been called that enough and really, this is the kind of reply that makes me afraid to post. Doing homework for someone meant I got the night away from them. A million things hurt me about the situation but I'm trapped.
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Old 06-18-2011, 05:53 PM
opalescent opalescent is online now
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Hon,

You are being gaslighted by your boyfriend. He's making you doubt reality by lying and manipulating you, by making you seem the abuser. He is abusive, as is the other boyfriend.

Here's a helpful article on the subject. Please read the warning signs - your post has most of them:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...ing-gaslighted

I beg you to leave him. It's only going to get worse. You deserve better. You are not at fault and you are not stupid. Do whatever you have to to leave the relationship. Ultimately, you will be infinitely better off.
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Old 06-18-2011, 05:55 PM
Merxill Merxill is offline
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Xared:

I don't want to be in this anymore. I know my post sounded differently, but I've had some sleep now, and the phone conversation I had with him yesterday has worn off. I want out. I don't want to be guilted back into it. I want everyone in my life to stop telling me to stay. Most don't know about the sharing, and he's excellent at acting....most don't know there is abuse and don't believe me when I say there is because they know this other side of him. His friends say "oh that's just how he is, don't take it seriously". I've tried to get out many times.
His therapist also said (according to him) that he "needs" two people at once, and that the anger taken out on me is deserved. I don't think she really understands how bad it is...and I also think that she is just telling him what he wants...

Breathesgirl:

I agree that there are a million issues with this. I feel ridiculous today. I feel, as another poster called me, stupid. I do need a therapist. I've lied about going to one to him (to solve my other issues according to him) because I'm so ashamed and afraid that the response will be laughed at and extremely harsh towards me, or one again of disbelief...that they would think I'm simply crazy (especially if he joined me in any therapy sessions).

just3:

You're completely right about the weight issue in that the other person is very very skinny. This is how he likes "boys" (they're almost 30, so it sounds strange to use the word boys...but that's what he calls them). I have felt like he would choose me if I was able to provide this level of "skinny"...but right now I just feel sick about this whole post... It's hard when people make fun of you for this, but I think it's my fault for being hurt in the first place. It seems as though when people know how to hurt you, it's used as a weapon.

Derbylicious:

Despite all the bad, he is nice to me sometimes, and fun to be around sometimes. That's about it. There's an awful lot of bad here that makes me think I've been fooling myself into thinking it would ever get better. He promised numerous times to leave the other person (not for me, but because his other person has actually cheated on him, stolen grocery money for cds and dvds, refused to pay their part of the phone plan the two of them have, and stormed out leaving their pets with him to care for, and actually run away as in disappeared for weeks or months at a time, etc).

I hear the phrase "you're the only one who can change it" from him all the time. This means doing what he wants according to him. I have done that and now that I think about it...the treatment didn't change, and he still left me for the other person.

AutumnalTone:

Given the details I've supplied here in my replies to others as well, I'm not sure how to do that. I've tried to leave many times. Something always happens so that I am guilted and pressured back. I want to leave and I don't want to have to feel guilty for it. The guilt here is huge. The pressure is huge.

I also feel as though I have to write things down to remember them anymore...it's as if the bad things done disappear in my memory if I don't write them down. Sometimes I can't even remember what our conversations are about.

Last edited by Merxill; 06-18-2011 at 06:02 PM.
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