Al99
Well-known member
So I will continue with the "unexpected" theme - since this whole journey into poly and has been nothing if not unexpected.
As I have now written about on a number of occasions - just over a year ago my wife, Becky, asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. After a few weeks of endless deep discussion, intense study, many hours of processing and meditation, and an occasional inebriation, I came to the point where I was able to happily pull the suitcase down from the top shelf in the closet for her so she could go on her first overnight with her "old and new again" (but somewhat long distance) boyfriend. Their romance is still ongoing and there have been several more overnight excursions since then.
In the very beginning, Becky told me that, of course, I could also have another partner as well. It bolstered her argument and was obviously only fair from any perspective. And while I did not outright dismiss the idea, there were certain logistics that made the possibility somewhat impractical - and I did not actively pursue the idea or even give it too much thought.
Then, a couple of months ago, BouncingBetty (here on our forum) began a back channel communication with me about her approaching her husband to transition their marriage to poly. Ultimately this evolved into a long distance romantic relationship between Betty and I. While we have yet to meet in person (but are in the process of firming up plans for a weekend getaway in the Spring), we have spent a great deal of time talking, texting, and emailing over the last few months and we both feel that a special loving connection has evolved.
While Betty's personal situation continues to evolve (as she has written about on her blog), my wife and I made a solid commitment to poly a year ago and I have been very supportive of her relationship with her boyfriend. Given that, I admit that I have been quite taken aback by her reaction to my new relationship with Betty. The initial reaction seemed to be one of shock and a complete uncertainty about what to do with it - even though I had made it plain all along that although I wasn't looking, that I was open to a relationship - not to mention the obvious fact that she had been dating her boyfriend, Ben, for the last year. This was soon followed by obvious jealousy and resentment.
I cannot overstate by how confusing I found this to be given that she had been in a poly relationship of her own for the last year - with my full consent and support. Apparently the ability to manage multiple loving relationships (which, in all fairness, she does very well) does not automatically transfer to the converse side of a poly relationship. Interestingly, a few months before, one of our veteran regulars had given me a heads up by private message that I might encounter this resistance if I should develop another relationship. (He was right).
Becky and I do have a commitment to open and honest communication with each other - and did so even before transitioning to poly. And, in fact, it was this dedication to open communication that even allowed the poly discussion to begin with. Given that, Becky has admitted that she is really struggling with jealousy, and is really not comfortable with me having another partner. She also freely admits that her feelings are hypocritical, illogical, and unfair - and even wishes she could feel differently.
She had said a few times that the jealousy was such a problem that she might want us both to abandon poly and our other partners completely. The problem was being further aggravated by her perception that her boyfriend was not giving her as much attention as he used to (probably true) - and which was highlighted by all the attention that Betty and I were giving to each other. Much of this was obviously due to a one year old relationship versus a brand new one.
This finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago (as Betty recently mentioned in her recent blog post) when Becky had a bad couple of days with her boyfriend, Ben - and then looked over my shoulder to see a "romantic" text stream between Betty and I. Becky completely lost it - texted Ben that they were done and demanded I do the same with Betty - that we would be done with poly - or face the consequences. I was completely shell shocked - especially by how emotionally out of control she was - but unsure what to do, I called Betty and told her that I couldn't talk or text until this was sorted out. Things were not pretty in our home that night - and Betty did email me (anyway) later in the evening trying to make sense of it - and saying that she had been crying for hours.
By the next evening, Becky had calmed down. Ben had been texting her - trying to help her through this without them breaking up. And, Becky admitted that she had been touched by the hurt she had seen on my face when she made her demands. So, she asked me to call Betty and try to put things back together while she did the same with Ben. I agreed - but with the stipulation that I would not do this again. It was one thing for me to be hurt - but that I would not put Betty through this again (and if I had realized how upset she would be, I hopefully would have refused to begin with - but emotions were running so high at that moment). Thankfully, all involved were willing to move forward.
Becky and I have never discussed "the veto". It has never really been an issue since our venture into poly was all about her pursuing a relationship with one person specifically - but we both did recognize that either of us could ultimately withdraw our consent for poly in general - and I suppose that is always true with any married couple who has opened their marriage. But, I am reminded of Veaux's story in "More Than Two" of his own experience in which early on into his poly journey, his wife has vetoed a partner - and both he and his new partner had fallen very much in love. He honored the veto, but said that the pain was so great for both of them, that it ultimately led to the marriage ending in divorce - thus pointing out the danger of the veto. While I am not a big fan of Veaux, just from this short lived incident, I can really empathize with the story - and take my stand with those who say that the veto is a bad idea and unfair to other partners involved. Nothing like a personal experience to drive a theoretical point home.
On a positive note, Becky has been doing better in handling the situation. Ben has been more attentive to her - which has helped, and she has talked to her openly poly friend about it as well as her therapist (who has been very open minded about the poly situation). All in all, Becky seems to be making solid progress in coming to terms with me also having another relationship.
Lessons learned. First, the ability to manage multiple relationships does not automatically transfer to an ability to deal with one's partner having other partners - even though you would think it would ( - it doesn't). I have heard it said that one is not really poly unless one can be comfortable with their partners having other partners. I think this may very well be a fair statement. But certainly, anyone considering transitioning their marriage to poly because they have a hankering for new and different partners should be damn sure they can handle the other side of the equation.
Secondly - (although this was not precisely our situation) - veto power over a partner's choices is a bad idea. Advice to those considering poly: don't include it in your contract - no matter how logical or safe it may seem to be - it can only lead to hurt for all involved.
So to any who took the time to read all this, my apologies for the length - it wasn't my intention, it just kept going. Also, it is just pure coincide that I used a pseudonym of "Becky" for my wife - and that later on I became friends with a lady who uses the pseudonym of "Betty" - so sorry for any difficulty that may present in following the story. Al
As I have now written about on a number of occasions - just over a year ago my wife, Becky, asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. After a few weeks of endless deep discussion, intense study, many hours of processing and meditation, and an occasional inebriation, I came to the point where I was able to happily pull the suitcase down from the top shelf in the closet for her so she could go on her first overnight with her "old and new again" (but somewhat long distance) boyfriend. Their romance is still ongoing and there have been several more overnight excursions since then.
In the very beginning, Becky told me that, of course, I could also have another partner as well. It bolstered her argument and was obviously only fair from any perspective. And while I did not outright dismiss the idea, there were certain logistics that made the possibility somewhat impractical - and I did not actively pursue the idea or even give it too much thought.
Then, a couple of months ago, BouncingBetty (here on our forum) began a back channel communication with me about her approaching her husband to transition their marriage to poly. Ultimately this evolved into a long distance romantic relationship between Betty and I. While we have yet to meet in person (but are in the process of firming up plans for a weekend getaway in the Spring), we have spent a great deal of time talking, texting, and emailing over the last few months and we both feel that a special loving connection has evolved.
While Betty's personal situation continues to evolve (as she has written about on her blog), my wife and I made a solid commitment to poly a year ago and I have been very supportive of her relationship with her boyfriend. Given that, I admit that I have been quite taken aback by her reaction to my new relationship with Betty. The initial reaction seemed to be one of shock and a complete uncertainty about what to do with it - even though I had made it plain all along that although I wasn't looking, that I was open to a relationship - not to mention the obvious fact that she had been dating her boyfriend, Ben, for the last year. This was soon followed by obvious jealousy and resentment.
I cannot overstate by how confusing I found this to be given that she had been in a poly relationship of her own for the last year - with my full consent and support. Apparently the ability to manage multiple loving relationships (which, in all fairness, she does very well) does not automatically transfer to the converse side of a poly relationship. Interestingly, a few months before, one of our veteran regulars had given me a heads up by private message that I might encounter this resistance if I should develop another relationship. (He was right).
Becky and I do have a commitment to open and honest communication with each other - and did so even before transitioning to poly. And, in fact, it was this dedication to open communication that even allowed the poly discussion to begin with. Given that, Becky has admitted that she is really struggling with jealousy, and is really not comfortable with me having another partner. She also freely admits that her feelings are hypocritical, illogical, and unfair - and even wishes she could feel differently.
She had said a few times that the jealousy was such a problem that she might want us both to abandon poly and our other partners completely. The problem was being further aggravated by her perception that her boyfriend was not giving her as much attention as he used to (probably true) - and which was highlighted by all the attention that Betty and I were giving to each other. Much of this was obviously due to a one year old relationship versus a brand new one.
This finally came to a head a couple of weeks ago (as Betty recently mentioned in her recent blog post) when Becky had a bad couple of days with her boyfriend, Ben - and then looked over my shoulder to see a "romantic" text stream between Betty and I. Becky completely lost it - texted Ben that they were done and demanded I do the same with Betty - that we would be done with poly - or face the consequences. I was completely shell shocked - especially by how emotionally out of control she was - but unsure what to do, I called Betty and told her that I couldn't talk or text until this was sorted out. Things were not pretty in our home that night - and Betty did email me (anyway) later in the evening trying to make sense of it - and saying that she had been crying for hours.
By the next evening, Becky had calmed down. Ben had been texting her - trying to help her through this without them breaking up. And, Becky admitted that she had been touched by the hurt she had seen on my face when she made her demands. So, she asked me to call Betty and try to put things back together while she did the same with Ben. I agreed - but with the stipulation that I would not do this again. It was one thing for me to be hurt - but that I would not put Betty through this again (and if I had realized how upset she would be, I hopefully would have refused to begin with - but emotions were running so high at that moment). Thankfully, all involved were willing to move forward.
Becky and I have never discussed "the veto". It has never really been an issue since our venture into poly was all about her pursuing a relationship with one person specifically - but we both did recognize that either of us could ultimately withdraw our consent for poly in general - and I suppose that is always true with any married couple who has opened their marriage. But, I am reminded of Veaux's story in "More Than Two" of his own experience in which early on into his poly journey, his wife has vetoed a partner - and both he and his new partner had fallen very much in love. He honored the veto, but said that the pain was so great for both of them, that it ultimately led to the marriage ending in divorce - thus pointing out the danger of the veto. While I am not a big fan of Veaux, just from this short lived incident, I can really empathize with the story - and take my stand with those who say that the veto is a bad idea and unfair to other partners involved. Nothing like a personal experience to drive a theoretical point home.
On a positive note, Becky has been doing better in handling the situation. Ben has been more attentive to her - which has helped, and she has talked to her openly poly friend about it as well as her therapist (who has been very open minded about the poly situation). All in all, Becky seems to be making solid progress in coming to terms with me also having another relationship.
Lessons learned. First, the ability to manage multiple relationships does not automatically transfer to an ability to deal with one's partner having other partners - even though you would think it would ( - it doesn't). I have heard it said that one is not really poly unless one can be comfortable with their partners having other partners. I think this may very well be a fair statement. But certainly, anyone considering transitioning their marriage to poly because they have a hankering for new and different partners should be damn sure they can handle the other side of the equation.
Secondly - (although this was not precisely our situation) - veto power over a partner's choices is a bad idea. Advice to those considering poly: don't include it in your contract - no matter how logical or safe it may seem to be - it can only lead to hurt for all involved.
So to any who took the time to read all this, my apologies for the length - it wasn't my intention, it just kept going. Also, it is just pure coincide that I used a pseudonym of "Becky" for my wife - and that later on I became friends with a lady who uses the pseudonym of "Betty" - so sorry for any difficulty that may present in following the story. Al
