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Old 06-19-2011, 11:12 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Unhappy Failure to follow own advice...

Another plan ended completely different than I hoped today...

Today my partner's boyfriend picked her up at noon and they went back to his place. I was going to go to his place at seven, spend some quality time with both of them and then have a romantic dinner with my partner. I was planning to honour my own advice on another thread, you can't possibly be enough for a poly partner, but you can be the best partner you can be for them. I was so afraid of feeling jealousy and resentment while they were gone, that I kept myself busy all day, cleaning, tidying, basically showing off that I was ok with this, they could have their alone time and I made the house pleasant and stress-free to come back to....

or so I thought...

By the time seven o'clock got around, I had not eaten throughout the day, not let myself think about what I actually felt, nor coped with it, just bottling it up, feeling ok all the time, and worn out. When I left the house, I felt an insane need to see and hold my partner, but also a strong need for my friend, to be safe and held and part of a group, also assuring them that I am okey with the situation.
But when I got to his place, all I could think about was to get my partner and leave. In the car outside I considered sending her a textmessage asking her to just come out, but, disregarding my intuition, I walked in, and I reacted really badly, locked up, oozed resentment and displeasure, while containing my bottled up discomfort, that too turned oozy and indeterminable, unseparable. I was just waiting and waiting to be able to leave. We talked a little bit about how today went, and I made the giant mistake of thinking it would be better to cover it up and deal with it later, so I slipped out words like ok, tolerable, fine, but tired. I do in retrospect understand that both my partner and boyfriend was SO ready for me, so ready to cuddle and enjoy life after having 7 hours alone time and both really ready to let some of that flow to me. He also does fantastic neckmassages, and I was planning to ask him to be so loving and nice to give my stressed neck a good seeing to.

But I was there, tense and elephanty in the room. A rinse and repeat-mistake for me. Cause what did I do? Oh, I took the opportunity to leave, excused by dinner, not showing any love or patience or support to her or her boyfriend (my best friend), nor in any way talking about their day, what they had done, what it was worth, if there was anything they wanted to share, have fun with etc..you know, all I have adviced myself to do. But I did something else. I skipped ahead, I jumped to my partner's ultimate goal 30-40 years up the line, applied that to what I was feeling now, combined with a childish hissyfit of having to share my favourite toy ALL of sunday, and ended up flailing like there was no tomorrow at my partner to and over dinner, asking her if her long term (and it is truly lovely and pleasant) plan still was on, she confirmed it, and I actually stooped low enough to tell her I might not be able to be part of it. Based just on what I had felt today, amplifying it thousands of times by a situation far in the future, and only potential. Basically, again, I robbed her of the good from the day, tore down a little bit more of whatever trust I have in my promise that she can have this. Cause I promise and promise, but my reaction-pattern never seem to match my plan.

I have now suggested that my partner uses a safety-word when she feels something is wrong. That will be an insta-stop to what I'm doing, and I have to sit down and think and talk about what I feel exactly. She thinks it's a good idea, and thanks to her overflowing source of patience I might be able to do better next time, and make them both help me protect myself from ruining this, and let it turn into something wonderful.
How do others cope with calming down, analyzing fears, in similar situations, when someone is off for alone-time for 6-7 hours? Any good techniques for coping without breaking down, or bottling up?
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Old 06-19-2011, 11:53 PM
bzychickie bzychickie is offline
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I completely understand . My husband and I are in a closed triad .MFF .. I get so anxious and upset .. I feel inadequate and I tend to ruin the day .. I was actually on here because I was looking for the same advice that you are looking for .. How to deal with the jealousy . I feel left out ..
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:13 AM
Tinyblu Tinyblu is offline
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Have you considered that you may be trying to place everyone together a little too soon? I could certainly understand the emotions you are feeling with seeing your special someone with an OSO... especially if the OSO is your best friend.

Maybe discuss you spending time with each of them alone and not all three of you together. It might help to get comfortable with the individual relationships first then working your way up to all of you spending time together.

Just remember that communication is key (TRUST ME!!!! I feel your pain). Talk to your SO about your feelings. Talk to your best friend about your feelings. Feeling is not a crime, but bottling it up just leads to explosions...

I'm no expert though. I've only been at this a little over a month and am still struggling. Just my two cents...
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Old 06-20-2011, 06:13 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Unhappy

Thank you both for valuable inputs. A challenge for my venting is that my partner has very limited reserves for my flailing, for permanent reasons, so I have to find other ways of flailing, and I should've brought my notebook.

I do agree, communication is the key, because this is killing me right now. Not their relationship, but how I'm handling it, how I'm saying something is okey when it is okey in my head, and then I react in such a different manner. I feel alone, even though I have two extremely important people there, and when I actually had a chance to talk to both together, I chose a completely wrong path, not wanting to taint and ruin the day they'd had, so instead I lashed out at my partner when she was alone....thinking about it now just makes me cry, cause I can see how unhappy she is.
I know for next time though, no escape-plan, no dinner-reservations except for at his place, or our place, and I will text her during the day telling her that I love her, reassuring myself. Hopefully both of them will trust me enough to let this happen again...
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:07 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinyblu View Post
Have you considered that you may be trying to place everyone together a little too soon? I could certainly understand the emotions you are feeling with seeing your special someone with an OSO... especially if the OSO is your best friend.
Maybe discuss you spending time with each of them alone and not all three of you together. It might help to get comfortable with the individual relationships first then working your way up to all of you spending time together.
I had a good long think about this today, and I think I again did the mistake of putting myself in their relationship, maybe as a way to feel safer. But it gives me no sense of safety, only fear. I have no business in their river. I think I will take heed to your words and be better at isolating myself from their alone-time, and make sure my alone-time with my partner is high-quality, supportive and loving, and also spend more separate time with my friend. When we're all together, the setting should be of doing something, like making food, watching a movie, playing a game, something. Thursday last week was great, cause there was an even mixture of cooking, loving, cuddling and having fun.
Thank you for that advice, Tinyblu, I will write it down in my book of rules!
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Old 06-20-2011, 10:16 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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I take it you're a journaler or blogger? If so maybe you could take 15 minutes after she leaves to write about what you're feeling then do it again half way through their time together and again just before you leave or she's to come home.

Finding other things to do while she's with someone else is a good idea but you can't just totally ignore the fact that she's not with you. I've been there, had blow ups (the difference is I can't stand her) causing problems when he does get home. LiveJournal and here have been my saviour on more occasions than I care to think about.

The safeword is a good idea.
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Old 06-20-2011, 11:00 PM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I take it you're a journaler or blogger? If so maybe you could take 15 minutes after she leaves to write about what you're feeling then do it again half way through their time together and again just before you leave or she's to come home.
Finding other things to do while she's with someone else is a good idea but you can't just totally ignore the fact that she's not with you. I've been there, had blow ups (the difference is I can't stand her) causing problems when he does get home. LiveJournal and here have been my saviour on more occasions than I care to think about.
Thank you, good advice, I will. I am not a journaler or blogger, but I have started writing in a notebook, by hand. I feel it gives a lot more impact to myself when I write longhand instead of on a pc. And I have written down a lot already. It has helped, but I ended up working myself physically so hard I felt unable to feel or write anything. This will be more balanced next time, and although I won't lie on the bed, curled up, crying, I will allow myself to really feel what I feel. I will also not stop myself from sending the occasional text-message. It IS okey to miss her, but not to be clingy.

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The safeword is a good idea.
What do you mean? Like a word I can say or send to clear the room? Recall her?
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:06 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I have now suggested that my partner uses a safety-word when she feels something is wrong. That will be an insta-stop to what I'm doing, and I have to sit down and think and talk about what I feel exactly. She thinks it's a good idea,
is what you said in the first post.

Quote:
What do you mean? Like a word I can say or send to clear the room? Recall her?
Nooooooooo, A word SHE can say when your emotions get all out of control, causing you to act the way you were. A word that means you stop mid track and have to figure out what's going on and why. If it means you have to leave the immediate vicinity so be it. May I suggest it NOT be a word the two of you use in every day language? If it's a word or phrase you rarely use you will actually HEAR it. ie: funky monkey wouldn't work here because Breathes uses that phrase a lot but I'm betting the two of you don't, lol, so it would probably work well.
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:16 AM
ClosetPoly ClosetPoly is offline
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Yeeees, that made so much more sense. I am such an airhead these days, trying to make sense of it all. A safeword IS a good idea, and I'll talk to her about it right now! Thank you for reminding me! *hugs*
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Old 06-21-2011, 07:09 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
Thank you both for valuable inputs. A challenge for my venting is that my partner has very limited reserves for my flailing, for permanent reasons, so I have to find other ways of flailing, and I should've brought my notebook. .
This concerns me. You are flailing, you are experiencing some new emotions and having to work through them and that is to be expected. The expectation that you will just adjust to this new situation because she wants you to is a bit selfish to me. Of course you don't want to go off all half cocked or anything, but you need to be able to express your feelings or they will only build up until they explode. Yes journaling is a big help, so is talking to a friend if you have one. But this is a change to the relationship between all of you and for them to expect you to breeze through it so as not to inconvenience them is ridiculous.

She needs to grow up and find her patience.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClosetPoly View Post
I do agree, communication is the key, because this is killing me right now. Not their relationship, but how I'm handling it, how I'm saying something is okey when it is okey in my head, and then I react in such a different manner.
And this is the thing I experienced as well. I'm finding that as much as I want to "intellectualize" my way through difficult situations, I can't. While my head might be perfectly OK with some things, my body and my emotional self is really not and the only way you learn what those things are is by having them happen and feeling it.

My husband had to realize that I wasn't feeling bad to make HIM feel bad. And if he couldn't understand and support me through the process of hitting road bumps and sometimes cruising over them and sometimes not, then he shouldn't be having poly relationships because that's ALWAYS going to be needed.

I'd say maybe your SO needs to do a little educating of herself on poly relationships, on communication and on being a supportive partner.
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