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  #31  
Old 05-14-2011, 07:36 AM
Magdalena Magdalena is offline
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Sometimes its so frustrating, not being able to convey my feelings clearly. Tonight I am feeling irritated about it all, I want to be selfish, I want to be "normal" and I want the fairytale. I am feeling sentimental for the childish dreams I once held. I suppose its no different than wanting world peace or utopia. Uhhg, dealing with reality sometimes is difficult, at least for me.
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  #32  
Old 05-14-2011, 01:54 PM
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Sometimes its so frustrating, not being able to convey my feelings clearly. Tonight I am feeling irritated about it all, I want to be selfish, I want to be "normal" and I want the fairytale. I am feeling sentimental for the childish dreams I once held. I suppose its no different than wanting world peace or utopia. Uhhg, dealing with reality sometimes is difficult, at least for me.
Me too Mags, me too. I am frustrated that I don't convey my feelings clearly. I want to be selfish and sometimes I am. Reality can be difficult.

You and I are different people in different situations. I can't speak for where you find yourself. I wish I could give you the magic pill that would make everything perfect for you.

I wrote a one paragraph fairy tale called "The Land of Cidence" during a difficult time......

The Land of Cidence, it is a place that everyone will end up at one point in their dreams and even more often in their lives. A place of questionable beauty that seems overly familiar and even though uncomfortable seems right. The porridge of the little bear is the food Cidence and LA Smog is the air Cidence. Tears falling from a woman’s cheek are the water Cidence. There is no money in Cidence but when tears on a stubbly cheek match those falling as water Cidence, well then that is a coin Cidence.

People look at fairy tales as beautiful loving things, almost everyone I shared Land of Cidence loved it and said nice wonderful things about it. That one paragraph is one of my favorites.

The truth is that most fairy tales are about ugly or violent things where the victim ends up the hero or the princess only after great suffering, great tragedy or overcoming difficult obstacles.

Your life, your relationship, may still be a fairy tale. Maybe you are only in the first part of the story.

As far as the Land of Cidence goes.... It is one of the most beautifully written things I have been able to put on paper. But it is a most ugly emotion carefully hidden in the trappings of imagery, it was at a terrible point in my relationship, full of pain and misery. It amazes me that no one that has read it can't see that without it being pointed out to them.

We do it the other way too, focus on the bad and let it belittle the good. We focus on what we are feeling upset by and ignore the beauty. Trust me I understand how you feel and why you feel that way.

It's too bad no one ever wrote a fairy tale about a woman who thought she was losing a husband, but after some magic, a dead dragon and a journey through the evil woods being chased by an evil wizard, ends up with another spouse and a life filled with twice the love of normal mortals. Or maybe, someone will write it about your life.
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  #33  
Old 05-14-2011, 03:54 PM
Magdalena Magdalena is offline
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I don't think you have a bit of trouble conveying your feelings bitter!!! You get straight to my heart every time! Yes you are right, all fairy tales do tell the tale of hardship before the wonderful ending. Thank you for reminding me of this, I do live a fairy tale, sometimes I forget this.

When I look back from where I used to be, compared to what I am right now, I realize I have made huge changes and progression. But there are those moments, late at night when I feel alone and my mind wanders. Thanks for being here Bitter!!

Mags
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  #34  
Old 05-14-2011, 04:21 PM
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For those that didn't get Cidence, here it is again, first original then translated to reality.

The Land of Cidence, it is a place that everyone will end up at one point in their dreams and even more often in their lives. A place of questionable beauty that seems overly familiar and even though uncomfortable seems right. The porridge of the little bear is the food Cidence and LASmog is the air Cidence. Tears falling from a woman’s cheek are the water Cidence. There is no money in Cidence but when tears on a stubbly cheek match those falling as water Cidence, well then that is a coin Cidence.

The reality version.. (now changed to past tense)
Life was ugly and had become our normal and I doubted it would ever change. It seemed that she cried all the time. When we were both crying it WAS only a "coinCidence". We were not crying over the same thing.

That was a bad time in our lives. It was one of the obstacles we had to overcome to head towards the happy ending.
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  #35  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:14 PM
Magdalena Magdalena is offline
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It is beautiful. I cant imagine my life without him, and I knew from the start this ride wouldn't be easy. He is exactly what I need to inspire my soul to reach unattainable heights that would never be realized by living a "normal" life.

Sometimes it isn't pretty at all, its ugly and dirty, and I wonder how I found myself wallowing in the dirt again. I mean I am the one that chose this path, I knew from the beginning and had time to bail if I wanted to. The truth is I didnt want to, I saw magic in him, I saw a person that could teach me so many things that I may never get to experience other wise. I am getting exactly what I asked for.

I like to take moments when I am feeling strong and happy, to reflect on the life I live, and would never trade it for the world, I love him so deeply and honestly, I have no fear that he will leave, he accepts me like no other person ever has, I find a lot of comfort to be myself, and that is something that is irreplaceable.
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  #36  
Old 05-14-2011, 05:15 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bitterborn View Post
For those that didn't get Cidence, here it is again, first original then translated to reality.

The Land of Cidence, it is a place that everyone will end up at one point in their dreams and even more often in their lives. A place of questionable beauty that seems overly familiar and even though uncomfortable seems right. The porridge of the little bear is the food Cidence and LASmog is the air Cidence. Tears falling from a woman’s cheek are the water Cidence. There is no money in Cidence but when tears on a stubbly cheek match those falling as water Cidence, well then that is a coin Cidence.

The reality version.. (now changed to past tense)
Life was ugly and had become our normal and I doubted it would ever change. It seemed that she cried all the time. When we were both crying it WAS only a "coinCidence". We were not crying over the same thing.

That was a bad time in our lives. It was one of the obstacles we had to overcome to head towards the happy ending.
bitterborn this is my first run through your blog. You are an eloquent writer, a good communicator and synthesizer. I will be rereading often I am sure.

I seem to be stuck in this cycle of coincidence with both Hubs and 2Rings. I so often feel like I am in a mine-field. My dreams really seem so far out of reach with obstacles (hidden and glaringly noticeable). It seems we (Me and Hubs) (Me and 2Rings) are never on the same page for very long. So I know it must be within me, my communication problems, my expectations, my mannerisms. I just am at a loss as to how to get to the happy ending.

I would love to be somewhere that sustainably feels right.
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  #37  
Old 05-17-2011, 01:19 AM
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bitterborn bitterborn is offline
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I only talk about R in vague terms and how he impacts my relationship with M. That's mainly because he is not an internet/computer person and I don't feel that I should discuss a person who doesn't have a chance to see it and interject their own view or counterpoint into the conversation.

Enter B and C into this diatribe. B and C are a lesbian couple that with much love and affection we refer to as our sister wives. Truly part of our family, platonic, loving, accepting, more than friends. We have discussed on more than one occasion having a compound with goats, chickens and a huge garden; we are that close. I will write more of them in the future, you deserve to know what wonderful people they are. (they have looked at this blog and graciously allowed me to discuss them)

Anyway, we met them at a lake yesterday to set up their camp, and fish. Since we never made it down to the water, drank a few beers, and utilized half a dozen screwdrivers, a set of jumper cables, christmas lights and ground beef.... It is one of my favorite fishing trips ever.

R actually met us! M and I were surprised and happy! The first time he has interacted with our friends, we expected awkwardness, we expected that he would change his behaviour in front of others, we were wrong. Everyone took it all in stride, the simple explanation of "her boyfriend" was all that needed, he was treated as family. What a great afternoon.

Sometime during the day, C and I made an ice run. During the run, C asked, " Are you ok with this?" ... yes "Uhmm I didn't think she was attracted to guys like that" .... I was surprised too, but she loves him... Not someone I thought she would be attracted, not someone I would be attracted too.... (yes dear reader, I am not exactly straight).. "She loves him????".... yes, she does... "and you are ok with that?"... yes, if she didn't I don't know if I would be... "Ok, then I am ok too...."

The conversation later degraded into the sexual habits of mallards, western gulls, penguins and swans. (fascinating in it's own respects) M and R wandered off for some alone time, a good time had by all.

It's nice spending time with people you love.
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  #38  
Old 05-18-2011, 09:48 AM
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bitterborn bitterborn is offline
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Labels suck. M and I were discussing us (M,R,ME) last night, exploring the relationship, our feelings and emotions and how to describe the relationship. Thanx forum for the words to describe this. So we are in a V, she's the hinge, R is secondary and I am primary... I think..

My problem with that is I don't want to hang the word secondary on anyone. I especially don't want to hang it on a relationship. "Secondary Partner" is almost an oxymoron and devalues it to, well second place.

I have issues with the V as well, I know the points are us and the lines between us are supposed to represent our relationships to each other. But shouldn't there be a dotted line between R and I then, or maybe a squiggly, to indicate a non sexual, non romantic link of friendship and shared interest. If we got down to it, since there is another person in R's life that is not in ours, should it be a N or a Z. The best we could come up with in a rather surreal conversation involving letters to describe our relationship ended up being an H.

H, with the lines being us and the points where they intersect used to represent intimate attachment. M is the cross member that connects the two parallel loves in her life.

So here we go... I am a usually hetero, bi, (maybe pan?) non monogamous, undecided between agnostic and atheist, male in a committed hetero Poly H relationship with a bisexual, spiritual, woman and a old fashioned, probably died in the wool republican, definitely hetero male.

I don't know if I am on the left or the right of the H. Probably her left since that is where the ring is.
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  #39  
Old 05-21-2011, 01:36 PM
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bitterborn bitterborn is offline
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Probably her left since that is where the ring is.
M pointed out that Booger (the cat she once had just to annoy me) probably ate the ring years ago so it doesn't matter what side I am on.
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  #40  
Old 05-21-2011, 01:56 PM
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bitterborn bitterborn is offline
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Ever want to shake some sense into your partner and their partner?

Last couple of days the two of them have been working through some issues. I have to be careful not to let my bias towards M flavor my thoughts, actions or words.

We also have a guideline that we don't bitch about one partner to another. We can talk about them, explain how they upset us, etc... but don't let it turn into a bitch section. This stems back to the period of our marriage where we had an "open relationship". (Funny how that now we are poly I know longer consider it open) Where bitching about your spouse was a technique way too many people were using to get a pity fuck.

I have a personal guideline that their relationship is their's to fix and fuck up. I can't make it perfect, I won't manipulate it. I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else.

But.........
Man there are those occasions where I really want to tell M, quit expecting the worse, quit tearing yourself up over things that you think he meant or things he never said. Btw, I am a guy, I may have some perspective into that male personality of his.

And there are times I want to tell R, you know she has a lifetime you don't know about, she will react in ways you never expected, love and pain has taught her hard lessons. If you would only ask when you are bewildered by her I could share some insight and save you a lot of grief you bring on yourself. But you gotta ask before you go all quiet and pissy.
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