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  #11  
Old 05-10-2011, 03:58 PM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bitterborn View Post
This is a beautiful path with scenic overlooks and grand landscapes. But that path is a long hike, with steep hills, muddy crossings, mosquitoes and a hot sun. Trust me the destination is worth it and when you arrive you realize the experience of the journey made it that much better.
Wow - so beautiful and so true!!

Below I have bolded the parts of your quote that really touched me - either because I can relate it to my marriage or because it's something I need to work on understanding and accepting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bitterborn View Post

-She isn't mine. She has never been my possession, I don't own her. She has chosen to spend the last 12 years with me and she chooses to spend the rest of our lives together. The feeling of "it's my turn now", watching the clock, and sense of ownership is akin to a child refusing to share toys and either crying or lashing out at others when another child is playing with them.

-She is an individual, she is not half of me. We absolutely make a great team. But she is my equal not my alter ego. We have always had differences and will continue to do so. A long time ago we learned to accept that. R is not someone I would have picked for her or for us. She didn't choose to fall in love with him. The cliche of love is blind is so true. By the same token love opens your eyes. I have become friends with R and realize what an amazing man he is. I have also seen M with new eyes. After 12 years we take for granted our partners, we have firm assumptions about how they are, some of the little things that they do you find that they have always done because they thought you liked it, you settle into patterns of behaviour and communication. Now, thanks to being part of a relationship that includes her, I am seeing her through new eyes and again marveling at what a beautiful, amazing and loving person she is. Yes she is different with him, but you know what, she's different with me too.

-Open and honest... We have always been open and honest. Everything has been transparent since we met.... Sort of. Our emails and texts were always available to the other, passwords are known, nothing hidden. We shied away from discussing painful emotions, our learned defensive mechanisms helped there, I tend to hold them inside until they grow to the point where I can't deal with them and either explode or go into a depressive funk, she tends to ignore or run from them. This relationship has forced both of us to sit and talk. There have been tearful times, there has been anger, there has been pain. They have been needed, they have fortified the vow of "open and honest, even if it hurts the other's feelings." They have brought us closer together which is something I didn't think was possible.

-Open and honest PART 2. Redefining with trust and confidentiality. Oops complete transparency ain't gonna work. R is her partner not mine. You know this was actually the hardest thing for me, it took accepting that their love for each other, their relationship was as authentic and as genuine as mine and M's was. Forget the term equal, I know I have her till death, I know theirs is brilliant in it's newness and the excitement is intense. But both of the relationships are genuine. In my relationship with M I expect a level of confidentiality, I expect she won't share with others things that would embarass or humiliate me, I trust that she will delicately handle all of my fears, shortcomings, secrets and failures. Their relationship deserves the same trust and confidentiality as ours. I don't have the right to read all thier texts, she shouldn't have to tell me everything, what happens in their bed is their business. I would be furious at her if she shared all about me with someone else. How can I ask her to do to them what I wouldn't tolerate? Their love deserves the same things, the same privacy, the same trust, the same confidentiality, if I don't give that to them I can't ask for it in return.



Again - wow!! My eyes are welling with tears! You have realized and accepted something so beautiful, so loving, so deep in such a short time. I'm in your place (my husband is poly) and still, after 2 years - my brain understands this - but my heart is fighting it. Do you mind if I quote you in my blog? I need to read and reread your quote until it's ingrained in my heart. It's these thoughts and feelings that I believe will set me free and turn our marriage around.

You are an amazing writer! Thank you for inspiring me with your words and imagery. You have really touched a part deep inside of me. I look forward to reading more from you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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  #12  
Old 05-10-2011, 07:30 PM
Magdalena Magdalena is offline
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Wow and wow again. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I literally had to stop reading when I broke down in tears. I fully understand and have had moments of all the moments you describe. Bitter you have a real gift for writing. If you would like to move it to private please do, however I think that your story is so uplifting and full of wisdom and hope, I feel a little guilty hording all to myself When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Thank you Sensei
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  #13  
Old 05-10-2011, 07:36 PM
Magdalena Magdalena is offline
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Kat, I am in the same place you are. Intellectually I understand this, but sometimes the heart refuses. I met my husband 4.5 years ago and really thought about what this relationship might entail before moving on. Ohhh how I underestimated.

However, I have also been on a journey to raise my conscious living to more love and what better way to dig yourself out of the dirt of this carnal world than to push the boundaries of love.
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  #14  
Old 05-10-2011, 11:48 PM
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bitterborn bitterborn is offline
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Kat,

Of course you can quote to your heart's content. If my experiences resonate with yours and let's you see things from a different perspective, than the simple act of putting my journey in words is worth more than just my selfish self exploration.

Mag,

Your mileage may vary, I drive a dodge truck after all. I can't be your teacher, if you can learn from my mistakes you may save yourself a lot of heartache. But trust me I left a lot of debris in my path, I broke more hearts than my own. I am not an expert. I will share where I am and the way I got there but I am not qualified to show you how to get there. If you too can see reflections of yourself in me, then I am grateful. I think the two of us can be good friends, I treasure what you shared in your message to me.
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  #15  
Old 05-11-2011, 02:21 AM
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This was something I wrote years ago, titled "Compersion"
as I stated before I write to explore my feelings and emotions... Maybe you can see the pain mixed with love


Idly twirling her hair without realizing it she smiled as she watched the movie. There was no plot, there was no acting and it didn’t matter because she wasn’t really watching it. She wasn’t lost in though either, she was simply there and she was simply happy. She was happy because he was happy, happy because it was cool enough in the house to use blankets and happy because they were happy.

Later she would worry about whether or not he would be coming home tonight. Later she would worry if this would change the way he felt about her. But for now she was content, for now she could be happy for him, she could be happy for them.

An annoying commercial interrupted her train of non thoughts and she lit a smoke to compensate. She looked to make sure the phone was on, but nothing more, she wouldn’t will him to call, for now it was her turn and he would call on his way back. Till then she would hold the ratty stuffed dog he had bought her one day because it reminded him of her. Today it reminded her that he was sometimes reminded of her and that would have to be enough.

Half a pack later she turned off the television and considered writing in her journal. Instead she turned off the light, held the stuffed dog closer and with her eyes open cried as she smiled. Sometime later she cleared her throat when the phone rang and answered with a sincere “I love you”. She was happy, happy for all of them. She was happy now for herself.
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  #16  
Old 05-11-2011, 03:37 AM
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There's a room in our house we now refer to as "R's Room", before I called it the "teenager's room" because clothes were always strewn about and it appeared that a shoe factory had exploded. It is the room that contains the biggest closet and therefore her room.

Truly though, it is her room. Look around and you will see her. There is a rusty rail road spike laying on a ledge. She picked it up on a long motorcycle ride that was part of a good day. There is a rock from Howard, Colorado where she watched llamas in the morning while sipping coffee. There are things in there that predate me, a faded picture of her daughter in a hand drawn flower and raggedy ann dolls. More recent items such as a bottle of water that R drank from, waiting his return should he be thirsty again. There is the nightstand that we put there so he had a place to lay his phone and glasses.

There is no clock in that room. She doesn't want one there.

There are parts of me present in that room, I am after all part of her. There are parts of R there as well, he is after all part of her. But those dolls which are definitely a part of her are no part of any man in her life. There are other little mementos of precious memories and precious failures that came before either of us. Those mementos carefully placed and arranged represent memories, feelings and emotions that are as much a part of her as R or I.

I am but a subtle flavoring in her identity, R is also but a subtle flavor. Neither of us are her source of who she is. She is the woman I fell in love with, she has changed, she has grown, I still fall in love with her, I love the woman she is today.

That is her room really no matter what I call it.

She is M regardless of what label we apply, yes she is a mother, she is a wife, she is a lover, she is a girlfriend, she is even an employee. But no matter what label we use to show her relationship to us she remains M. She remains who she is, regardless of who she is to us. I think that I do her a disservice when I think of her by one of those labels and forget that she is more herself than an extension of me.

There is a huge difference between "M my wife" and "my wife M"

She is M, I love her.
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  #17  
Old 05-11-2011, 02:35 PM
Magdalena Magdalena is offline
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I encourage you to take these writings and collect them together in a book and simply entitle it Love. I am sure you would easily be able to write a series on all the emotions. I would read them all night long.
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  #18  
Old 05-12-2011, 01:38 AM
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I was asked how I deal with jealousy. To answer that, I would have to define the word and I don't feel capable of doing that. English (the only language I can do more than count and swear in) doesn't have enough words to describe all the feelings that I associate with jealousy. The quick and dirty answer is that her happiness truly makes me happy. The slow and clean answer follows:

I learned from M during our relationship that feelings are real, they belong to the person that has them, they are not wrong, they are not misguided, you can't take them away, you can't change them. The word is a plural noun. It exists. Telling a person that their feelings are wrong are telling that person they are wrong. Their feelings are part of them.

Change the word "feelings" to feet in any sentence and say it to your self to see if what you are about to say makes sense. You can dislike their feet, you can wish their feet didn't hurt.... You can't tell them they need to get rid of their feet or the relationship will never work.

When R walks into the room he becomes the center of M's world. Everything else is just background. Her eyes never leave him, she hangs on his every word, she hangs on his arm, she drapes herself on him. Damn skippy I wish I was R at that point, I want to be the center of her world, I want to know why she wasn't that way with me five minutes earlier, I wonder where my wife went. R gets uncomfortable for a bit and looks at me to make sure I am Ok, he will say something to me. M gets annoyed that R is talking to me, get real after all he came all this way to see her.

R really wishes he had her like I have her. R would give a testicle to have the opportunity to have a casual conversation about constipation with her or wake up to her snoring.

I will be sitting on the couch with her, both of us comfortable in each others presence, her watching tv, me reading or playing on the puter. Not talking but together. Her phone dings with a text from R and I get suddenly annoyed that she is paying attention to him instead of me.

They have sex, wild, loud, obviously enjoyable sex. I get turned on and left hanging. I wonder why it's not my turn.

She is different with R, it's because he is not just a lover, he is loved.

M is not a romantic, yet she romances him.

She wants to look good for R and is happy hanging out with me most of Saturday before she finds her toothbrush.

They refrain (as much as they can) from expressing their love in front of me, we all are uncomfortable.

Jeez.... we are all complicated, we can really screw up happiness trying to avoid all of that, and we have. I don't think all of the feelings from what I wrote are jealousy. Most of those feelings hurt, but that doesn't mean they are bad. R would trade me in a heartbeat. I see him as the center of her world, he sees me as the center of her universe and the center of her heart. When they talk of me, she tells him I am her breath, her best friend, and that she will be with me forever. I am sure she has hurt him with that, I am sure he wants that, I am sure he is envious.

I find her beautiful when she holds her breath painting, absolutely still and unaware of the passing hours. R doesn't know that facet of her, poor guy.

R makes her happy, I love her being happy.

If I had enough money for either a coke icey or something I wanted, I would give up what I wanted so that she could have her icey.

I have feelings, I have jealousy. They are real, they are mine. I take them out and look at them from time to time, if I wanted to and I could convince R or M to compare them they would gladly exchange them for theirs.

Instead I talk with M, we find better words to describe them, we look at the motives I assigned to the actions and words that generated the feelings. Sometimes what I thought wasn't what was meant. Sometimes I realize I am holding the wrong feeling. Sometimes I accept the pain.

Last edited by bitterborn; 05-12-2011 at 01:41 AM.
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  #19  
Old 05-12-2011, 02:01 AM
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The previous post is so uncomplete, I don't like how it reads and M doesn't either.

M said "I left out, Everyone has a right to their feelings, you can't tell someone that their feelings are wrong or take them away. Their feelings are their feelings, not your feelings. Each person owns their own feelings. You can disagree with what they are feeling but that doesn't make them wrong. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. The thing is to accept that they are feeling the way they are, and let them know that you accept the way they are feeling, that you may not agree with their feelings, but you acknowledge their feelings. Then you need to discuss what each other is feeling and get to the heart of why they are feeling that way and not leave it at a half conversation."

I was happy when we were finally all comfortable that she would lean over and kiss him during a conversation. I was happy when he finally told her he loved her in front of me. I am happy that now R and I can discuss her as "the woman we love"

One more M quote "after all my feelings aren't wrong, they are just different from yours"

I feel better now, I feel this is more complete.
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  #20  
Old 05-12-2011, 02:02 AM
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KatTails KatTails is offline
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bitterborn - you are an amazing, beautiful soul. The love and understanding you have for M and her relationship with R is spellbounding to me. I wish I had 1/10 of your empathy, compersion and acceptance. It's a beautiful gift you are giving both of them - but especially your wife. She is an incredibly lucky woman.

Thank you for helping to open my eyes and my heart with your breathtaking words!

Kat
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