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  #31  
Old 12-09-2009, 10:56 PM
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This is most true. I'm really really getting the feeling that he isn't sure what he wants, which is why he's sending me mixed signals.

This is not the first time I have expected more from someone who has no obligation to reciprocate regularly. It has a lot to do with the way it think, how my depression can affect me when I'm worried ... etc.

I have been tempted in the past to delete his phone number from my phone, give it to a friend, and tell them not to give it back to me for X amount of time...it probably sounds extreme...but it would remove the temptation, wouldn't it?

Admit it..you know it by heart

Try to cut back...wait fot his reply as you know he will respond it sounds like. That would be a big step
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  #32  
Old 12-09-2009, 10:58 PM
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Admit it..you know it by heart
I don't! Cell phone address book has made it so I only know immediate family numbers by heart!
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  #33  
Old 12-15-2009, 12:34 AM
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Hmm....where do I even start? Last week was the last week of classes, so it was hectic. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep in favor of studying...but I think it was an all together productive week.

J- was my partner for the oral exam we had today so we spend last night and this early afternoon practicing for it. Also, we spent a lot of time last night having some fun time...which I don't want to get into.

I guess the point is that J- was worried about what my husband thought. He told me today he didn't kiss me as much as he would have wanted to last night because he felt weird doing it in front of my husband. My husband doesn't mind...he even left us alone for a while because he wanted to just let us be alone ... but J- doesn't get that.

Also...with the girl he's 'seeing' he has made it pretty much clear that he isn't interested in being exclusive, which is good for me I guess. I guess she has had a wild side in the past and he feels a little put off that with him she suddenly wants to settle down and be exclusive and 'normal'. Also, I get the feeling that he's still trying to figure out what to do with he and I. I know he has feelings for me, but the situation gets in the way.

And yet, after our exam he still took me out to dinner as a good job reward and we went on a little adventure around town just talking. I enjoy being with him so much. Sometimes I want to just fuck pretense and kiss him in front of everyone we know, say yeah, something's going on. It's none of your damn business anyway, so get over it.

Yet everything else is coming into question with the rest of my life. I guess it's just part of the growing experience. Right now I'm not sure what is going to happen, but I think I need to take my own advice. Today when J- was telling me he was worried about being 'that guy' the one who stole another guy's wife (or something) and about what was going on with me and my husband...I just said don't worry about it. Just, don't worry about it. Really that's something that I have to worry about, not him. And for now, just take things as they come, enjoy the moment, and do whatever feels right.
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  #34  
Old 12-15-2009, 01:41 AM
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Today when J- was telling me he was worried about being 'that guy' the one who stole another guy's wife (or something) and about what was going on with me and my husband...I just said don't worry about it. Just, don't worry about it. .[/U]
I think this is common if your partner cares about the other loves in your life. I certainly worried about it.
Sounds like you are doing pretty good, moving forward. It's good to hear

Peace and Love
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  #35  
Old 12-18-2009, 05:55 PM
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Ok well my hubby is signed up on here now because these forums are private now, so ... I'm going to start calling him HP. Now back to your regularly scheduled Ramfish insanity.

Wahhhhhh

I freaked out yesterday because J- told me that we could hang out and then I couldn't get a hold of him. I KNEW that he was probably sleeping, but then I started to worry as the afternoon wore on and on and I was becoming convinced that he was avoiding me.

Well he wasn't, he had just forgotten and was, indeed, sleeping all day. When he didn't understand why I was so upset until he realized we were supposed to have plans, apologized, and then we had a long conversation about our relationship.

It pretty much came down to talking about us after I said that this is all very difficult and everything is really complicated. He said "i'm dumb, spell it out for me," so I did. Hon, I'm in love with you, but I'm married. You don't want the kind of relationship I want because I'm married. In addition, being with you has caused me to question my marriage, wonder if I did it for the right reasons, etc. It's all very confusing and extremely frustrating because you don't know how often on campus I want to jump you right in the middle of the student center and kiss you. But I'm married. Everyone we know knows that. Thus, it's very very stressful.

Yes well he knows all this, but he wants to hear me say it so he knows what I'm talking about/what I'm upset about. His feelings on the issue are...that he kinda has a girlfriend, but it's been a little weird and he already knows that it couldn't be a long term thing because of her lifestyle choices. He cares about me a lot, which is why he's talking to me about this. In a lot of ways, we already do have that kind of relationship I want without the label. He really likes me, thinks I'm really cool, but he hates that he's that guy. He hates that he came into my life and that I've fallen for him and that he's caused me to question my marriage. He feels like if he hadn't shown up, HP and I would be fine and nothing would have changed.

He doesn't want to be the rift between me and my husband, because he doesn't feel like it's fair. He says that HP has put in all this time with me, all the effort and love that goes into having a long term relationship and he doesn't like that he's causing that. He wants to step back and get out of the way until HP and I figure things out, but he really enjoys my company, so even though he wants to stand firm I can hear in the way he says it that he doesn't really want to do it.

Meanwhile, he's convinced that HP hates my relationship with J-. He thinks that when we are all together, HP is really jealous and that he's angry when he sees us flirt or kiss or even get intimate. However, when I tell HP that J- thinks this is his reaction, he gets annoyed and asks me if they need to have a conversation. I say yes, but then HP brings up a good point...if J- would even believe him if he told him that he's okay with our relationship.

So...this is where I'm at.

Has anyone else ever had a problem like this? I need to hear from a few people who have done this before...I'm scared of the shitstorm that might be coming someday.
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  #36  
Old 12-18-2009, 06:23 PM
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Speaking as the third, the "other guy" so to speak, I can tell you based on experience that what J is feeling is very normal. I still feel like this at times. More than I usually admit in fact. I sometimes wonder if Redpepper's husband really has a choice as far as me being involved in "his" life and "his" family. I don't resent this idea, I respect it.

I check in with him pretty regularly, and although he says things are fine, there is always a part of me that thinks he isn't? Why is that? Because I wouldn't be fine. This is a product of me reversing the situation and thinking about it as him. I am projecting. This creates a false sense of understanding in me because there is a huge flaw in my approach; he is different then me. He is not me.

So to move past this I have to put faith in his words and push my own self generated doubt aside.

If Redpepper and him were to split up I would be devastated, I would take it all on and point a finger at myself and say those four words everyone hates to hear "I told you so". (I would add in "fucking" so it would actually be five words LOL. "I fucking told you so".

Is it reasonable to take on all that guilt? No, I would not be the sole factor in their split if it occurred. But convincing myself of that would take a long time. Especially as I seem to love assuming responsibility for most of the shitty stuff that happens to people in my life.

Get them to talk. If J and you are going to have something J is going to have to challenge himself in this area and he will have to find acceptance in your husband's words on some level.

Peace and Love
Mono
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  #37  
Old 12-19-2009, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by ramfish View Post
Ok well my hubby is signed up on here now because these forums are private now, so ... I'm going to start calling him HP.
Hey. I'm a write some stuff here on Sunday. Meanwhile, work.

EDIT: Didn't get home until late Sunday, had a double date with my secondary and the wife and her J-Kun, it was a total blast. Have to go to bed early tonight so I'm not exhausted again tomorrow, I get up at 4a to be to work at 6a. Will try to write something more before Christmas, no promises.
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Last edited by HPLoveshaft; 12-22-2009 at 12:46 AM. Reason: Update
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  #38  
Old 12-28-2009, 02:42 AM
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The holidays have pretty much eaten me alive, and it's been a looooong week. However J- and I finally got to meet up today briefly for a movie. We didn't get to do much more than sit next to each other since my brother is visiting this weekend. He did, however bring my Christmas present which was extremely surprising and thoughtful.



Let's just say he kept saying he got me something that was supposed to kinda me a joke...but this is really more sweet than anything.
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  #39  
Old 12-28-2009, 06:16 AM
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That is a great Necklace! But I don't see it as a joke...nice "v" necklace in my opinion
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  #40  
Old 12-28-2009, 10:01 AM
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Lol I think it's cute the way he tries to downplay things. It's a very 'guy' thing. "Oh I got you something it's kinda a joke you know. haha" But it was sweet when he gave it to me he was like "oh um there are three because you have more love than just for one heart. You know the polyamory thing." I can't get over it. It gives me a lot of confidence that he's opening up his mind to things and it makes me all giddy.
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