Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-20-2009, 05:08 PM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

Things have been going pretty well, but I've been so busy I haven't really had much time to reflect.

Last night J-kun took me to a campus jazz/dance event they hold once a month. I got all dressed up nice and we danced as much as we could. The music left a lot to be desired...but we had a lot of fun. People wondered where my husband was, which is easily explained as he works at 6am...so going out during the week is not a good idea.

J-kun and I are getting quite close. He considers us to be very good friends and while I agree with him, I do hope for something a little more long term in the future. My husband and I have talked about it a few times...that it might be nice to have someone in our lives long-term. But that entirely depends on how J-kun feels.

I get the sense that he sees himself mono with someone someday, but isn't very optimistic about ever achieving that. I know he enjoys spending time with me, but (excuse the language) he is unable to see past the idea that he and I can only be friends who fuck. I have told him that poly is about love, but either he doesn't understand that it means, yes, you can love me, or it's just not something he will be capable of. It saddens me, because I think that he could be capable of something like this, but it's not something I can force him to do. I can't cram it down his throat because I want him to understand, because that feels a little bit like treating him like a child.

Some changes have come up as well. For one thing, he and A-san are done. It's nice to have that resolved. He has started spending time with another girl and he was telling me yesterday how they had some fun a few days ago. Two things about that conversation: first he didn't understand why I would be a little jealous and second he confided in me that I was the only person he could talk to about these kinds of endeavors. Per that latter, this is fine. I like being someone he can talk to. As to the jealousy, I think I was jealous because I haven't really gotten to spend much time with him this past week and I've been missing him, so hearing about him going out with someone else makes me jealous because I've been wanting to see him for more than a few hours on campus, but busy schedules have not permitted it.

He reassured me that I wasn't being replaced. It might sound like an unnecessary thing for him to have to say, but I did need to hear it. I get very neurotic sometimes, it's a byproduct of my emotional disorder (even if it's well under control doesn't mean it never comes up to bite me in the ass). He knows I worry a lot and that I don't want to loose him, so it was good of him to speak his mind about it and reiterate what he feels about how he and I function, how he feels about me, etc, so that I don't have to get trapped inside my head.

So another big change is my husband may start seeing someone, which has never happened with us before. He is going to be hanging out with a girl he knows from work, and I will be meeting her tomorrow. She wanted to meet me before she felt comfortable being alone with my husband, as she has been a secondary before. I will have to talk about how this affects me as well, since even though I have wanted my husband to get to experience this for himself, I can't guarantee I will be a perfect poly wife the first time he spends a night with another woman.

Thankfully, when I mentioned it to J-kun, he said he wasn't sure if he would be available to keep me company while my hubby is on his 'date' but he said I could give him a call if I needed to talk.

So, complications and worries aside, things are pretty good. Nothing worth having is easy.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-22-2009, 04:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default getting the guys together

Hi Ram,

If it's helpful, I encourage your hubby to take the initiative to get a good, sit down conversation going with J-kun. This is something I've (the male half) learned is really important right in the early stages. Men are subject to the same pressures as women in this regard, and it's stretching outside the comfort zone of most men to have conversations relating to being sexual with the others wife. But it's a conversation that needs to happen and your hubby is the one who is in the position to have to take the first step.
Once that happens the relationship will be poised to evolve in the direction it will - whatever that may be. But until it does there's going to be more discomfort in the whole triangle than there should be which will over time put stress on it.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-25-2009, 01:04 AM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

Thanks for the insight, GS, but unfortunately these last two days things have not gone so well for me.

I have been inwardly battling with myself for a while about whether or not I actually was falling in love with J-kun. I've been writing it off as a kind of crush thing, trying to take things easy...be casual...be cool. It's been getting harder and harder to ignore and only even harder because we hadn't had a frank discussion about what kind of relationship we could have. I mean I know that he considers me a good friend who he can have sex with...but I wanted it to be more and just was so scared to tell him about it because I don't want to loose him.

Well we're short on money right now and I didn't have enough gas to get home last night and go to class this morning so he agreed (gladly) to let me sleep at his place while he went to work third shift at his new job. As we walked to his car his new fling joined us and it was rather awkward.

I could go into the situation but it makes my stomach hurt. Essentially, hurray for him, he did tell her about us. However, she didn't say anything to me, he let me know later. He said she had asked him (again?) to be her boyfriend...which was kinda like a stab in the heart. He wanted to see how things were going to play out with her, if she wanted to be exclusive, etc. I told him he has to talk to her, because I need to know. He tells me that nothing will change between us, we just can't have sex anymore.

Accept that I've like just admitted to myself in the last 48 hours that I'm in love with him...and now he's going to see someone else; and we can still be friends and that's it. Granted I haven't said this yet, but it was not making it easy on me to hear about this.

Well i didn't want to get into it before he had to go to work, because not fair to him, so I said I had a lot on my mind and needed to talk to him in the morning. He could tell I was depressed and was worried about me, assured me that he cares about me and later after he left sent me a text letting me know we would figure things out and that he wants me in his life.

I spent many hours of bawling alone in his apartment unable to talk to anyone for long because my cell was dead...I was able to talk to my hubby for all of 15 minutes and then was cut off.

When we talked in the morning I got to learn a number of things. Primarily, it's not possible for him to be a secondary. He dates women with the intention of finding out if he would want to marry them someday, not because he just wants the sex. He doesn't want to be a second husband to me, because I'm my husband's wife, and he just doesn't think that way. He doesn't think we could ever be more than what we are now unless I wasn't with my husband anymore and he doesn't want to go through with that, nor does he have the time for that kind of stress.

There is a lot more to be said, but that is the summation. No, we can't be romantically involved; not as long as I'm married. Yes, he already knew I was falling in love with him and he loves me too in a way, just not quite the same. Regardless...I've been doing terrible today. I have to change the way I view our relationship if I want to continue having a friendship without making myself sick over the way I feel for him. I can't change the way I feel, but I can change other things about how I perceive it...but even then..I kinda go...now what?
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-26-2009, 04:34 AM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

Husband and I had a talk last night. Needless to say I still feel like crap. In addition to me being crushed about J-kun the problems we have been having have all decided to dump on our head.

And now I'm getting sick.

So, I'm depressed and we get to go to thanksgiving tomorrow at the in-laws.

Yay.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-27-2009, 02:49 AM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

Just for the record - I hate taking things one day at a time.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 11-29-2009, 08:23 AM
Sweetheart's Avatar
Sweetheart Sweetheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: in my mind
Posts: 125
Default

Dear Ramfish, we can definitely relate to what you're going through. You have our heartfelt sympathies.

((HUG))

Your hubby sounds like an awesome guy, a very supportive poly husband. Right now just focus on the two of you, and make sure your relationship stays strong.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 11-29-2009, 11:14 AM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

Thanks Sweetheart. The holiday weekend has not been fantastic. I'm certainly not a bundle of sunshine and lollipops but yes, I do have a very supportive poly husband who wants nothing more than to make me happy. The least I can do is return the favor and deciding not to veto him going over to his new secondary's place tonight and fending for myself with craft projects and tv. I've been doing better, really, as each day goes by.

Thanks for the hug. I need them
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 11-29-2009, 07:38 PM
Erosa's Avatar
Erosa Erosa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 138
Default

Well... here's some more! ((hugs)) ((hugs))
__________________
With all my heart I will love and not fail,
With all my soul I will fly and not fall.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-02-2009, 05:12 AM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

After feeling like I was waiting for the holiday to be over so that I could get back into the school routine and see J- again, of course he was sick and didn't come to school yesterday or today. Even after last night he was sure he would come to school today saying maybe we could do something he still went home and slept after his first class. I can't blame him, getting sick, working third shift and going to school is awful but I've been really missing him especially after last week.

I have this awful knot I get in my stomach all day while I hope to get to see him. I have no one I can talk to about it accept my husband and though he's ridiculously supportive and loving he's at work all day while I sit at school and wait to have class at night for 6-8 hours. So I feel distracted and nervous and crazy all day so I can't study to pass the time like I should.

O.o It's no fun at all.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 12-04-2009, 07:46 PM
ramfish's Avatar
ramfish ramfish is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 47
Default

I'm going to be going back to counseling next week to help deal with some the stress I've been experiencing. The personal issues and inter conflict I've been having because of J-kun has been greatly distracted me from being able to focus on my schoolwork...and next week is the last week of classes.

However yesterday J- came to school and spent the afternoon/evening with me specifically because he felt like cheering me up and giving me some face-time. We had a good afternoon getting to talk. He know's I've been having a hard time and he's not really one to have in-depth conversations about these sorts of topics more than once.

It doesn't help I'm never very comfortable talking to other people about my real feelings because I'm often doubting myself. I often get the sense that my feelings or 'intuition' about something when I'm upset is wrong, and that's something I need to work on.

J- knows that I love him, and that's important. I don't expect him to feel the same way, but he does tell me he is very fond of me. He's still not sure what is going on with him and this new girl, but I'm glad to know for sure that I am still important enough to him that he will make some time for me.

It's hard to resist wanting to tell him how much I love him all the time. I feel like it's only fair to let him and her have whatever it is they can have, as long as it lasts, even if it is bad timing for me.

A problem my husband and I have discussed is the possibility that I may not be, in reality, polyamorous. While I am able to love more than one man at once, even don't have a problem with intimacy with two, it's hard to say if I can really handle sharing mine. It's something I will have to figure out and I'm lucky that I have my husband here to support me, love me, and understand whatever decisions I make in the long run.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating, fear, marriage, nre, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:40 AM.