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Old 05-06-2011, 06:14 AM
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Honestheart Honestheart is offline
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Unhappy Chooseing monogamy...easy way out

Please don't flame me for what i'm goign to admit. but has anybody else gone thru this? what did you do? and also, please comment on your opinion of what i will say about society and poly...
Some thing has been on my heart, and as honest as i am i've asked myself some hard questions because of it so here goes....
I was monogamous, dated a poly couple. after leaveing the couple realised... i think i am poly and i struggled with that for some time. How could i be poly? why do i think i'm poly? how does that effect my faith? my church? my social life? my realtionahip possibilities? would i truely have been happy as a secondary again? what if i were a primary instead?
and one thing I just couldnt get over...being poly there are so very many hurdles to get over. society makes it so hard to be different... hell society even makes it illegal in some places.
add to that my previous poly realtionship had sum serious hurdles to over come between we three if ever we could be together...
and i just... i caved. i was offered the golden apple of monogamy with another fellow and i took it and ran. turned my back on poly..because...
monogamy was easier.
seriosly. that was it. i went, i wont have to deal with any of the problems fro society, i will have none of the complications of figureing out shareing or how to be blended family. i will have none of those basic poly complications we all have to work though (and can, i might add). i jjust...i got lazy. and went... nope...easy way here i come.
so here i am, thinking i am poly...but chooseing monogamy... because it is easier.
mind you, ialso just wanted to give this new guya shot. but honestly, would i ever go poly again... no. for the simple reason that poly is too hard in society...
and that to me...its a shame. it seems so wrong. i feel like i surrendered too quikly and for the wrong reasons... i wrote off poly...because monogamy was easier..
what kind of person does that make me? to cave like that... honestly...i dont know.
the kicker is, i'm happy with my relationship. i am. he is wonderful! i would not trade him for anything... i'm just, i'm disatisfied i turned my back for the easy road. even thought that easy road has made me happy, if only because i dont have any of the coplications and pressure of society to conform...cus well..i already did...
argh!
please help!
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Last edited by Honestheart; 05-06-2011 at 06:16 AM.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:51 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I chose monogamy every time I had a relationship ... It was great at first, then I'd get the familiar need for MORE, and either break up or cheat.

That said, perhaps you don't have so much of a drive to be poly as some folks? I certainly believe it is a spectrum.

Or, you could have turned your back on the poly relationship simply because it was too fraught with problems to work for you. Maybe you just needed that extra motivation of someone waiting for you to leave the couple? I don't see that as mono vs. poly. I see that as relationship that could work vs. relationship that isn't working.
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Old 05-06-2011, 01:29 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Honestheart,

Don't be too hard on yourself sweetie.
It seems we all do this all the time in many areas of our lives. i.e take the easy road.
Maybe it's because life is full of enough challenges for many people right now and we have a hard time justifying taking on any more. And you're right that 'poly' is challenging at the best of times. Sometimes we all have to get down off our high philosophical soapbox and just 'deal' - with life as it currently is.

We all have to pick our battles. At various times some are more important than others. And that's quite fluid.

"Labels" don't matter. Being 'poly' doesn't matter. Being loving does. Trying to make the best outcome from every situation does.
Inside, you know the 'truth' now at least. How that truth will manifest itself in the future is unknown. But the objective hasn't changed.
Be loving.

GS
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Old 05-06-2011, 03:05 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Monogamy is NOT the easy route ! If it was, there wouldn`t be so many divorces.

There are challenges in both relationship styles...The difference is, that monogamy has more support to recognize and understand those challenges,..*IF* people recognize, and choose to look for support.

I`ll probably get my head bitten off for this,..but I`ll say it anyhow. I don`t need open/poly relationships at all. I don`t feel a 'need' for it. I have a 'ability' to do it, which is fine,...but I have been monogamous at various times, and I was fine with it.
If I had to be monogamous for the rest of my life,..I`d be just fine. I`d not wilt, or die, nor feel like I 'lost' a part of me. ( I might get my back up, if it wasn't my choice, and it felt imposed, but thats another story.)

Then there are other people who feel being poly is a part of who they are to a deep structural core. They don`t feel they could ever be monogamous again.

So I think of it more like a Kinsey-scale scenario. Some of us couldn`t 'live', be happy, or be true, if we don`t embrace poly to our core.
While others might have a lesser 'need' to 'be' poly. You don`t hear much from these type of people, because they get labelled as 'untrue' and 'fakes' many times, by those that don`t understand them.

So maybe looking at all the 'hurdles' just isn`t worth it to you, because you don't feel that overwhelming need to be poly ?

Just make sure you aren`t fooling yourself, due to a new relationship with NRE. Are you going to be able to handle it long-term ? Can you be monogamous in the true sense, or does it feel like a compromise in your heart?
If you feel being poly is a part of your identity, this could be a little tougher on you. If it more like a forbiden-fruit scenario,..you can probably handle it.
Also,..your monogamous man and you,..have a long time to grow together,..who knows where both your thoughts will be in 10 years.....? Maybe things will still be firmly monogamous,...maybe not.

There are so many options to live life, .... I chose to enjoy the people I am with, long as it feels right. Regardless of how the relationship style is presented to me.

I hope this helps.
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Old 05-06-2011, 05:01 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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I hate it that conventional society forces us into boxes. But how much of a rebel do I really want to be??? Tough question. I am a revolutionary in THOUGHT -- but doing the actual leg-work of it? TERRIFIES me. I like knowing that I have a "little secret," at times, yet I feel it shouldn't HAVE to be a secret, in order for me to be loved and accepted in the world

I fell into poly when I found myself in love with 2 men at the same time. There was simply NO denying it or getting around it, there was no "choice" in the matter, I could not stop loving either one of them, and poly presented me with a CHOICE. I loved that!

Would I go seeking it??? Wow, I don't know -- probably not. It's been grueling! But it would be hard to predict, now that I know it can be a choice, and one that is adventurous and bold, and I've been so proud of myself for daring to try it.

I think even if I find myself in a monogamous relationship again, I would still be supportive of alternative lifestyles, and be openly so. Perhaps even MORE so, since I would not be inviting personal criticism and harsh judgement and all the hatred that comes along with going against the norm...

I'm scared, myself. I feel I am living a lie by being secretive, yet I am not willing to (or even able to) give up one of my loves, nor am I strong enough to risk coming out. AND neither of the men wishes to be out, either!!! Probably the biggest factor!!! If they wanted to out us, I'd feel FREE. I'd step up! I'm brave, but I can't do it alone. Hmmmmm.... there's some real food for thought, for me today.......

Anyway -- I don't think you've "chosen" monogamy, you have chosen to love. Right now it simply happens to be that you love one, in that special way. If you stay in the moment, you will probably find that you are happy right now, and that is OKAY. Enjoy it -- true happiness is rare, in any form! And if you find yourself faced with a new love, you will know the options, at least. Just for today -- good for you, you've found something that works, a relationship that makes you happy. I think that is great.
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:08 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm about ready to give up on poly, just because dating has been so incredibly sucktastic lately. I'm exhausted.

But I'm not really ready to give up. Just thinking I'd love to take a break from all these first dates that haven't been turning out right.

But, some people do end up finding a good partner, so I have hope. Just tired of all the work and stress of meeting new people right now.

Besides, I love being with my primary, and knowing we are poly, we can do things like flirt, and openly check out hotties on the street, and do sexting messaging if we feel like it, or talk freely about sex and kink with anyone we want, look at all the porn we want, go to burlesque shows, cuddle, things like that, with no jealousy.

And since my gf does have another partner, it's handy that I am poly, so I can support her.
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Old 05-06-2011, 06:12 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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So many of the choices we make in our lives are based on our current situations and determing if the cost is worth it.
ie. Do I take the great job offer that's 2 hours away? What would it cost in gas and time to commute? How much time with my kids would have to be sacrificed? Would it require re-locating and what would that do my partner's job opportunities? Could we even sell the house? With kids in school and activities, commuting it would be out of the question and if my partner couldn't find a job in the new city, the advantages of the new job would cost more than I'm willing to pay. Now if I was single or the kids were grown and off on their own, sure no problem, I'd jump at the chance.
Just because you are capable of loving more than one person at once, doesn't mean that you HAVE to always have multiple loves in your life. Even if you find you do love more than one, it doesn't mean the relationship needs to cross the sex boundry (which seems to be societies biggest hurdle). What I have found helpful, is just the knowledge that I don't have to be afraid to let myself feel love.

I'm comfortable in the fact that poly doesn't interfere with my faith even if it does cause issues with "the church". Unfortunately the two don't always agree. Society does not like change and the church likes it even less.

I may never be in a full poly relationship, but I have two boys that will be starting their dating years shortly and this is where I hope to make an impact and promote change. I never want my kids or grandkids to feel that they need to hide their loves from me.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:12 PM
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It can be complicated. Society doesn't really legitimize polyamorous relationships, this is true. It also doesn't legitimize gay relationships, for that matter, in most places. Being different can be very very hard. For me, I would much rather be true to who I am, which is pretty different, than to pretend I'm something I'm not.

It's also okay (totally) to feel that you're not wired with polyamory as a "need."

Quote:
Besides, I love being with my primary, and knowing we are poly, we can do things like flirt, and openly check out hotties on the street, and do sexting messaging if we feel like it, or talk freely about sex and kink with anyone we want, look at all the porn we want, go to burlesque shows, cuddle, things like that, with no jealousy.
D and my relationship was like this from the beginning, even though we were only with each other for about two and a half years while we (mostly me) worked on general stability and communication issues. I think the spirit of our relationship has always been poly, even though it was in a monogamy shell for a while. Which is cool too. Both of us are just more wired to want that "more" thing. Not everyone feels that, go with whatever makes you happy.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:48 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I agree - monogamy is 'easier' if you're not already in love with 2.

Monogamy is 'easier' if you have a lot of social/family pressures.

Monogamy is 'easier' if you have a lot of time constraints.

Relationships happen though - and its all about learning to communicate and work effectively within them.

I'm not in any other romantic relationships at this point - although I am half in love with someone...however that relationship will always always be what it appears to be. (yeah convoluted) But anyhow - my point.

I practice my communication skills on my friends and 'non-romantic' relationships because with better communication skills, I'll be able to mitigate any disasters from happening - not that I have control over someone else's lack of communication/maturity - but I will be able to say with clarity - "This isn't working for me. We need to find a workable solution that helps us ALL meet our needs"

Otherwise you have 3 or more people reacting emotionally without communicating effectively and everyone gets hurt.

So practice. Practice communication, practice being clear in what you need and want, and if a poly opportunity arises, you'll be more prepared.

But no, choosing monogamy is not the easy way out - you still have to work just as hard at communication for an effective monogamous relationship as you do for an effective poly relationship.
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Old 05-06-2011, 10:59 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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I agree with most of what everyone else is saying. I would add to look at your choice with more gentleness and compassion for yourself. You must choose what feels right to you. We should be no more eager to tell you to choose polyamory because it is the choice that we've made than we are to tell you to stick with monogamy. Only you can weigh and net out those things.

I've thought very hard about adding another minority status to my already complicated existence. It is definitely hard being a sexual minority. It is plain hard to be different. At least in my calculus, this didn't outweigh the difficulties I would find in terms of my own life satisfaction in leading a monogamous life.

Your calculus is different. That's ok. Your (and my own) calculus may change down the road. That's fine too.

What's important is that we're actively choosing what feels right to us. So, I congratulate you.
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