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  #11  
Old 10-15-2009, 09:02 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Stick around dear lurker-you already took the chance to "make a move" so don't let it slide under the carpet! You just met a handful of people who could become good friends over time!
Great step with your girlfriend as well. It's always good to just get those feelings off of our chest-hear the words we hoped we'd hear and feel some peace.
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  #12  
Old 10-15-2009, 10:44 PM
polishguy polishguy is offline
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True, one cannot have enough good friends.

I have been reading a lot on the link Ceoli posted. Lots of it seems to apply to me. Some does not, but I guess that is just normal. Again, thank you for the warm welcome and answering. Part of me was worried that I was crazy or something like that for feeling this way. I also realize that I am not as threatened as I thought I was. We did talk about looking at our respective comfort zones and adjusting them as our relationship progresses. I guess that is all I can ask for, for now ^_^
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  #13  
Old 10-16-2009, 12:06 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Heck that is all anyone can ask for in any type of relationship. To be able to work with details of comfort, needs, desires and dreams as they come along.

I have really enjoyed reading Ceoli's posts as well. I've also found Mono's VERY helpful-especially if you start with the older ones and work forward.

There are many very insightful, thoughtful and thought provoking threads on here.

You might find that you enjoy talking to Maca some as well. He's my husband. He's new to the idea of poly and has always considered himself poly (i've never been poly I think in my whole life). He's just starting to come to terms with the idea and is struggling with some of the details too. He's not on as often as I am though! Boy he works too much!!
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  #14  
Old 10-16-2009, 01:40 AM
Serendipity Serendipity is offline
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Default Oh cool, Jestem Polska dziewczyna!

Jak się masz?

And yeah, like the folks in here have been saying. The fears you're having aren't irrational. Your insecurities aren't irrational.

First and foremost, never EVER feel guilty for having a feeling. No matter what you're feeling, its ok to FEEL it. Its the actions afterward that are important to have a grip on.

What's helped me a lot with insecurity and jealousy issues is to try this; as soon as i feel that icky queezy sensation in my gut, like jealousy or fear, I stop, take a breath, and say to myself "right now, I am feeling jealous." or fill it in with whatever it is I think I'm experiencing. I say it to myself and then say "its ok that I'm feeling jealous. This is a perfectly normal reaction for me to be having."

And that's true for you too, and anyone. Whether you're feeling afraid, insecure, angry, happy, sad, ecstatic, nervous. First you tell yourself that you're allowed to feel that way

THEN try and understand WHY you're feeling that way. "I'm feeling jealous right now because my partner is going on and on about the stripper his buddies at work hired for his birthday", that sort of thing can be broken down "I'm upset because I was not involved in the enjoyment that brought him", "I'm upset because he may have enjoyed her body more than he does mine" and on and on... and from there I can say "I can't possibly expect to be the ONLY thing that makes him happy, so why should I be upset when he has pleasurable experiences without me? Its ok." and then, "so what if her body is better than mine? Will he pick to spend his time with women with better bodies than me, just because they're better looking? No, so what does it matter if she looks better than me?"

(there are more avenues in this particular scenario, and in the end I can practice this sort of behavior until that gripping, icky feeling in my gut stops happening when he mentions other hot women. Or I can decide that it takes too much energy for me to spend time having this break-down in my head, and ask him to please stop talking that way in front of me for my sanity)

It took me a while to get good at breaking down why I'm feeling a certain way, but the point is that it will reveal what's REALLY bothering me, and then I can work on the real issues, instead of reacting to the pure feelings I'm having.

So next time you feel spiteful, or feel as though you're going to say something mean or hurtful to punish her for making you feel insecure, STOP. Take a breath and say to yourself "I'm feeling spiteful, and I'm I want her to know how much what she just said upsets me". Then what you can do instead of making a sharp tongued remark, you can tell her "what you just said made me feel really insecure right just then. Can we talk about that?" And then work it out when you're more calm. It doesn't have to be right then. At that very moment you can even add "I'm feeling insecure, please tell me something you love about me for a second."

And she should be able to help you with that. Those are really important requests to be able to make, and to feel entitled to, which you are. You are free to ask for anything you want. Yes, your partner can always say 'no' to a request, but at the very least you're making your feelings known instead of squatting on them and letting them fester.

This is just some practical stuff i wanted to write out because its helped me a lot. It takes everyone in this world a good deal of control over their emotions to do this, not to mention patience and energy to be that honest with yourself, and THEN be that open about it to your loved ones. But its been an invaluable tool in my arsenal against the insecurities in my everyday life. I hope this helps!

Powodzenia!
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  #15  
Old 10-16-2009, 03:27 AM
polishguy polishguy is offline
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as a side note, I mentionned that I was scared of saying something hurtful, but I usually am extremely good at holding my tongue.

I will definately try to apply the advice I received to the best of my abilities based on the circumstances.
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  #16  
Old 10-16-2009, 03:44 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Wish I could hold my tongue a little more sometimes!
I can wiggle it well though!
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  #17  
Old 10-16-2009, 01:27 PM
LadyMacbeth LadyMacbeth is offline
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My husband Macbeth and I have been in the poly way for only a couple of months. My boyfriend is mono, and shares many of your feelings. Macbeth and I have been working on our own insecurity issues in our primary relationship that have emerged, as expected, in our poly adventures. Reading The Ethical Slut was really helpful for me as it reminded me that while the feelings of my primary are important, the feelings of my boyfriend are too and I spent some time recently asking him what would help him feel secure, safe, and cared for. This was extremely helpful. Telling her what would help you feel loved, secure, and important would be helpful. If making your needs explicit is difficult, then I echo the concept that counseling/therapy would be helpful. I am a psychologist, and can say that if you go to anyone who knows what he/she is doing, the shrink will know how to help you feel comfortable talking. I would also recommend going to someone who is explicitly poly friendly and therefore would understand the issues you present.
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  #18  
Old 10-24-2009, 11:11 PM
polishguy polishguy is offline
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Again, thank you all for your support. I have talked a lot with my girlfriend. I can share my fears and insecurities and it has been rather liberating. She is exploring (well, a bit more than just explore) getting involved with someone in her hometown (I was aware of this before hand, before getting serious with her). While I do know she has a few affairs of the hearts and even a one relationship, this particular one scares the daylights out of me. Part of it has to do because he is in the same town as her.

She has offered to take it slower (which I accepted, but I also told her I trusted her to make the right call) , but I cannot keep but feel threatened by him We are still establishing boundaries, but I don't want either to hurt her by saying "No, you can't date him", even though for this specific case, part of me wished it was so >.<

I did ask her to have a talk with him, because he is also polyamorous, married and living with with his wife and his wife's boyfriend. I asked her to let him know that I am feeling very threatened and ask some advice on how to reassure me. I think it is important that if he is going to get involved with her, he also knows how I feel about this matter. She has agreed to have a talk with him, which comforts me a little

She is going to an event with him tonight and I expect to hear from her only tomorrow (she will likely spend the night at his place because there will be drinking involved and no one would want her to drink and drive).

Last edited by polishguy; 10-24-2009 at 11:40 PM.
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