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Old 07-25-2014, 03:46 PM
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Codeslinger Codeslinger is offline
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Default Help! I think I might be poly

I am a (currently) monogamous woman in a 2.5-year relationship to an adorable, sexy, thoughtful, deep partner. We've lived together for 1.5 of that. It's very likely (and desirable) that we'll spend a long, long time together.

The last few months, I have been holding down a full-time job as well as training three times a week in a freelance industry with a man who has excelled in that industry. I met him at my workplace, and once I found out that he does well in what I have dreamed of doing, I chased him down and made sure we got a coffee date so I could get some pointers. We connected extremely well as friends and professionally, so that coffee date turned into a regular thing at his home where he tutors me in this discipline. The friendship has since plunged into depths of connection that I haven't felt since I met my lovely partner. I feel like my true self is brought out and exemplified around this person. Quite honestly, I'm falling hard in love, and it shocks me because I was not initially physically attracted to this man. But what he brings to the table is a self so gentle, so true, so unwavering, and so honest that I was and am compelled.

We have confessed our feelings for each other, but have not indulged in even a kiss. We continue to meet three times a week, looking at the computer screen and forcing ourselves to work even though the effort sometimes makes tears run down our faces. When I look into his eyes, I'm just shattered -- every defense and pretention I had even considered having is gone.

I'm telling you this to say that while, of course, dopamine is flowing thick and fast through my veins, there is something more real here also.
The thing is, my growing love for this man does not diminish from my love from my partner. It enhances it, in fact, by making me see my partner again as the beautiful man I first saw across the room nearly three years ago. It does not make me want to be with my partner any less -- in fact, it has spiced up our sex life and opened up our communication in a way that hasn't happened in a while.

All the while I have a physical ache in my chest for this other man, and all the self-reality checks in the world do not make it go away. And a term I thought I would never personally identify with popped unbidden to my mind.

I think I'm polyamorous.

This isn't a deal-breaker for my man -- we have talked about the possibility of an open relationship before, and have both tentatively said that it's something we want to explore in the future, but that came with a lot of caveats about making sure we're both emotionally ready first. When I recently brought up that I have decided it's something I'd definitely like to explore in the future, he was open but slightly hurt, in that he didn't think I would express that opinion so strongly so soon.

Another thing. We're moving across the country together. In two weeks. It's something we dreamed of since we got together, and now in addition to the excitement there is a mounting dread that one of the connections of a lifetime will be left behind in our current location, and my heart is truly breaking. It's making me unfocused, unable to sleep, and really derailing the fabulous new life and business I have been making for myself. We will come back to our current location occasionally to see my partner's son (who will be with us part of the year, but it goes both ways), and I would like to have the option of visiting (and, let's face it, falling headlong into bed with) this new love. I would like to work my relationship into a polyamorous one. But I don't feel like I can broach the topic with my partner until we're settled -- we are very honest with each other, and I am not withholding because I'm afraid of honesty -- he would be merely hurt and derailed himself. I know that in a few months he will be much happier and more open.

My god, please help me. I am a very sexual person, but not a promiscuous person at all (for me to feel like jumping someone, I have to have a deep emotional connection first -- so it's not like I'd have a ton of partners, just a couple or a few long-term connections), and my love trusts me explicitly. He is the first man I have been with, and probably because of that, he trusts me to be alone with other men.

I want to add that it is NOT outside the bounds of my current relationship for me to flirt, be alone with, or even kiss this man. We have negotiated some openness in our relationship thus far, but I want my integrity to be absolutely impeccable. That is the kind of person I am, and that is the kind of person I will always be, poly or not. This is just blowing my mind. I am feeling things I never thought I'd feel. Can anyone relate?

Sorry for entering your forum and basically projectile-vomiting all over the place...that's not how I relate to folks in real life, but I have been burning, burning up to a little crisp the past few weeks and need to get it out. Hopefully I will find some relief here and begin to be more of a contribution.


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Old 07-26-2014, 10:26 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317

Your comment about not being afraid of honesty is damaging and ... dishonest You claim it's only because he don't want to hurt your partner . Can't you see that that means you are afraid of honesty? Nobody is afraid of honesty, what they are afraid of is the effect that the honesty will have on others. My suggestion to you is to tell your boyfriend now about this other guy and let him know about the inner turmoil. Do not move on this relationship any further. Go about your life and move across the country as you had planned. Let some time pass and see how you connect with this other guy in a long distance relationship. It may help your partner feel more safe with distance between the two of you. It will give him a buffer to eventually perhaps become more comfortable with the notion of a relationship between the two of you.

Last edited by graviton; 07-26-2014 at 11:06 AM.
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Old 07-27-2014, 11:47 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi Maia,

I think graviton is right; if you pick and choose the perfect time to tell your partner about your passions for the other man, your partner will probably feel like you manipulated his reaction to the news. Just because you admit being in love with the other man doesn't mean you're asking for the green light right now to pursue that romance. It just means you're being honest with your partner about what's going on with you. Then, after you move and get settled in, you can revisit the subject with an eye towards proposing polyamory.

We can't plan and schedule when we'll fall in love (or who we'll fall in love with). That happens spontaneously, and usually unexpectedly. So it's not really your partner's place to get mad at you for falling in love with this other man. You didn't set out to do so on purpose.

I hope you guys can all get something worked out that suits each of you.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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