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Old 05-03-2011, 10:23 PM
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Default How much to discuss beforehand??

I've been talking to a man I met online (who also as it turns out works for the same university that I do and has an office a few buildings away from me). I was very leery at first mostly because of our work proximity, but after we met I was reassured, since it turns out we've both worked here for ages and never run into each other.

I've also decided to take things verrrry slowly. I've been thinking a lot about what my "needs" are and also my communication preferences. I like a lot of communication (daily emails or texts) and at least once a week face to face time or sleeping over. That's at least what I can tell for now, that may change in regard to the person or how much I'm working, or if and when I become a Mom.

So I'm meeting this guy again on Thursday for lunch. I'm wondering how much to spell it out to him, this is what I want or need? Will that be weird or is it just smart in terms of putting it out there and weeding out folks who are not on the same wavelength?

My FWB, C, only makes plans at the last minute and we often go days without communication, it drives me crazy and I don't like the not knowing what is going on. My other partner, D, LOOOOVEs to communicate and we talk or IM every day and see each other once a week. It often gets overwhelming but I have been able to talk about that with him and set boundaries.

This new potential person is not poly as far as i can tell but is not mono either. He is right between C and D in terms of communication. I get attached very quickly to people so I don't want to spend much more time getting to know the new guy only to have to break it off because he's not communicating enough with me. But maybe that is exactly what I have to do? And not try to force things?

any insights would be great, thanks!
-aeon
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Old 05-03-2011, 11:52 PM
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Wow - you need communication every day from someone you're just starting out with? I would think that's a big demand to lay on someone when you've only had one date/meeting and are just getting to know. I mean, it's still just the dating phase. You can just enjoy it for a while, can't you?

For me, personally, that's a big demand, since I don't need to hear from someone every single day, just every few days is good for me. Or it's something I see as needed for a solid, "serious," more committed relationship, rather than something new. I wonder if you're just feeling frustrated from your other relationships and feeling like now you need to set this kind of "rule" (for lack of a better word). If that's the case, it's more of a reaction than a need, don't you think? What about letting the relationship itself set the tone for frequency of contact? You might find you don't want to hear from this one every day, LOL.

Anyway, I would say, just take to time to get to know each other and enjoy the date, his company, etc. If talk turns to what you're looking for in a long-term committed situation, then bring up the fact that you like consistent steady communication and see what his response is. Does he know you are poly?
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-03-2011 at 11:55 PM.
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Old 05-04-2011, 12:09 AM
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Yeah I think you are right in that it's coming from a place of reactivity. You hit the nail on the head NY I do that a lot.


I don't know if I *can* just enjoy the dating... I think that often I am just too anxious about "where is this going" and "am I going to end up hurt/frustrated?". I don't want to go into a relationship like that!! It's not fair to the other person, not loving, and seems like it will sort of be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Perhaps it would be a good idea for me to continue to take things slowly and also work on reducing my relationship anxiety (and attempts to control). A few months ago I was definitely more lighthearted about dating and such. Processing things on here is helping a lot too.
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Old 05-04-2011, 12:28 AM
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I can totally understand that need for wanting to know, "where is this going?"

What I used to do, in the days before I got married, to take the pressure off, was to make dating a game, or a learning exercise.

I just set for myself the goal of having an enjoyable date. My focus was all about enjoying the company of another person, and to find out what was most interesting about them. At the most, the biggest decision I had to make was wheteher or not I wanted another date with them, or another chance to get to know them. It helps so much to reframe things for oneself, and to take a different position, which offers a new perspective. Let go of expectations about "making it work," is he "relationship material," blablabla. So what if he isn't? You can still enjoy the pleasure of someone's company and companionship, and have someone to do fun things with.

I dislike the idea of a date being an interview process to see if someone "qualifies" for more emotional investment. If you can relax a bit and not think too far ahead, you can have a really good time dating. Then, if something substantial develops, it happens of its own accord. It just takes some self-awareness to catch yourself when you start worrying about "where is this going," to nip it in the bud and let go of that train of thought.
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Old 05-09-2011, 08:54 PM
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Smile good points again

thanks for the advice NY, I'm taking it. My date with the professor got cancelled because he became extremely sick this past week. We will probably meet up tomorrow or later in the week.

As I read your post I realized that I also kind of feel like *I'm* leading him on in a way. I met him on Adult Friend Finder, and now am more interested in keeping him as a friend, not so sure about as a lover. I guess what I'm realizing is that I don't technically owe him anything either, if we hang out or have a bunch of dates and I decide that I'm not interested in casual sex, it doesn't make me a tease and I haven't wasted his time either.

I'm definitely feeling more relaxed about it this week. I'm kind of framing it like an actual friendship, I certainly would not freak out if a friend did not contact me every day or even a few days. Also one of my closest male friends, who I often cyber with, did not start out as someone I was in daily contact with. We are now, but for years we would go for months with no contact- it was not until a few months ago that our friendship/sexuality blossomed.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:06 PM
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So I had a lunch date and a "fixing my broken iphone screen" date this week, both were really fun even though the professor was still recovering from a recent illness.

I realized that what I really want and need is intimacy. "D" aka Zadok, is very intimate and loves to talk, to share, to try new things, we have very similar needs to be in touch and to understand each other.

C doesn't "do" intimacy.

The professor- it's hard to tell. I have asked him a lot of personal questions, which he has answered, but there was one he didn't want to talk about, which is totally valid given that we hardly know each other. I guess I am used to Zadok and C, who have talked to me about everything within the first few weeks of meeting each of them!

I definitely get the sense that the professor is capable of intimacy, he has a partner, and he is loyal to her. One thing I am noticing is a lack of curiosity, actually with all of my partners. Some are more curious than others, about my work or preferences. I am a very curious person and ask my partners about their families, upbringing, work, goals, etc. etc. Maybe just different styles.

So at any rate it's unclear to me right now if the professor is just being normal, holding back from verbal intimacy (like sharing personal info) because this is a new encounter, or whether he plans to keep a lot of things private because this is a secondary relationship, and not poly.

I'm feeling more relaxed about the whole thing, feeling like it's ok to back out at any time, and preferring to build up a friendship before anything happens.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:16 PM
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hmm. you say he has a partner? Does she know about his seeing you?
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aeon View Post
The professor- it's hard to tell. I have asked him a lot of personal questions, which he has answered, but there was one he didn't want to talk about, which is totally valid given that we hardly know each other. ... I definitely get the sense that the professor is capable of intimacy, he has a partner, and he is loyal to her. ... So at any rate it's unclear to me right now if the professor is just being normal, holding back from verbal intimacy (like sharing personal info) because this is a new encounter, or whether he plans to keep a lot of things private because this is a secondary relationship, and not poly.
Well, you say you met him on Adult Friend Finder. That site is not known for being used by people who want relationships with sharing, caring, and all that mushy, emotional stuff. He probably doesn't want all the talk because he's just looking for a tight, warm hole.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:21 PM
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Nope. And that is why I am hesitant about this whole thing.

I asked him right off the bat if he was married, and he said yes. I asked him if his wife would be upset if she knew (he had had a FWB for a about a year, a couple years ago?) and he said yes, most likely.

So he has cheated on his wife, and would again. I'm willing to hear him out about his situation and then decide if it's worth pursuing a relationship (or whatever) with him, but at this point I don't feel that he has enough to offer to make it worthwhile to me and the possibility of hurting his wife is an issue to me.

I enjoy spending time with him and talking about nerdy science stuff, so that's satisfying to me for now.
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Old 05-12-2011, 07:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
well, you say you met him on adult friend finder. That site is not known for being used by people who want relationships with sharing, caring, and all that mushy, emotional stuff. He probably doesn't want all the talk because he's just looking for a tight, warm hole.
exactly
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