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Old 05-07-2011, 09:23 PM
Lady Lady is offline
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Red face Where to Start?

Well, I'm new around here but happy to have found a forum such as this.
I'm 29, married. Been with husband 10 years. There have been a lot of things that have been changing in these past few months, changes that have given me courage to really face myself for who I am. About a month ago, I 'came out' out to my husband as being bisexual. After some discussion he has said that he is ok with it and is open to what it could mean. Thing is, I'm not exactly sure what it means (besides the obvious of course) and I'm trying to figure it out so I have some idea of what changes there will be in my current relationship once I have found a woman I'd like to bring into the picture. Now, this isn't something that I'm simply experimenting with, I want to be clear. I've always known I was bi, I've always had interest in other women I just never actually said it out loud or acted on it on a basis other than just 'for fun'. As I said, there have been some thing happening in my life that have opened my eyes to parts of who I am. A small victory to finally be able to establish that! At any rate, I'm wondering, for those out there who have had a triad relationship dynamic: how did it get to that? what sort of boundaries were previously and later established? what were some key things that you found were needed in order for it to be successful? So many questions!
I don't have anyone in mind that I'd want to bring into the relationship yet. But before it gets to that I want to make sure I know what I'm doing

Lady
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Old 05-07-2011, 10:08 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I suggest that you do some reading around here to establish yourself with what *usually* *might* *could* happen in your new endeavour. There are a lot of threads that have come before that could help. Try doing a tag search on "vees" "triads" "secondaries" and see what pops up.

It sounds like you are looking for a "vee" situation rather than a triad as it doesn't sound like you are particularly welcoming another partner in.... If I were you I would just see how everything transpires and not push any kind of agenda. Having an idea is a good idea but then just letting the fluidity of the moment happen when you find someone seems to work best.

There is a few threads that might help you build on a foundation and help you get a grasp of what you value in relationships. You might find it helpful to hear what other people have learned also and what their stories are... try a tag search for "foundations" and "lessons" and have a look at the blog section.
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Old 05-08-2011, 05:43 PM
Lady Lady is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
it doesn't sound like you are particularly welcoming another partner in....
The whole idea is to welcome another partner in. I don't want just a fling, I will be looking for something long term - I know that you have to build things to that point, of course.

I'm more wondering how other people have made it work.
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Old 05-08-2011, 06:23 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome!

The biggest obstacle you will have to face is to figure out what you want, and who is compatible with you. And to accept that not everyone who falls your way, sadly not even everyone whom you develop a liking to, is going to want the same things. And that you might find unexpected things along the way - a man, a lesbian woman, a woman who is only interested in a relationship with you, a woman who is only interested in a relationship with your husband - and to be open enough to embrace that when appropriate.

In triads, people want different things at different paces. Like RP said, it's crucial to give it time and not to push your own agenda. Develop an awareness of how you communicate and deal with issues like stress, ambivalence and conflict, and educate your partner(s), too. Especially if somebody in your configuration is more likely to avoid open conflict and needs a lot of support in voicing their opinions and concerns, have built-in "safety" mechanisms to ensure that the more determined partner(s) don't just enforce their own comfort levels and goals on others. Written communication works great in some situations because it gives time for formulating and processing of thoughts.

And most importantly; don't let conflicts and insecurities fester! Don't wait that your partner(s) notice something is wrong and bring it up for you.
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Old 05-09-2011, 01:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady View Post
The whole idea is to welcome another partner in. I don't want just a fling, I will be looking for something long term - I know that you have to build things to that point, of course.

I'm more wondering how other people have made it work.
sorry, maybe I wasn't clear. I meant it sounded more like *you* wanted a new partner. Not one that you and your partner would share necessarily. I don't recall reading that it was about your present partner being involved intimately.
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Old 05-09-2011, 04:17 AM
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Erosa Erosa is offline
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Wow, reading this it sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Maybe the biggest thing here ( something i personally am working with in my own life) is defining
1. What you really want to come of this.
2. How important each component of what you want is.

Once you know that it will be so much easier to pursue it.
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