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  #91  
Old 06-13-2011, 10:21 PM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
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Well, it looks like Crush doesn't return the sentiment, and is even a little irritated with me.

I'm not surprised, but I am surprised by how hard it's hitting me. I'm torn about whether to keep trying to interact with people or just withdraw entirely. I feel disgusting.

How is this dating thing so effortless for some people?
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  #92  
Old 06-13-2011, 10:28 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
Well, it looks like Crush doesn't return the sentiment, and is even a little irritated with me.

I'm not surprised, but I am surprised by how hard it's hitting me. I'm torn about whether to keep trying to interact with people or just withdraw entirely. I feel disgusting.

How is this dating thing so effortless for some people?
Ivy, I'm sorry to hear that, and kinda surprised. You're a beautiful woman, and the interaction you mentioned really seemed like she was into you in some way. Maybe she's in denial, and worries that what she's feeling is threatening her marriage.

I'm just as curious about how dating is so easy for some people... I have a hard enough time finding dates, and usually when I DO manage to get a date, it winds up being a non-starter.
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  #93  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:02 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
Well, it looks like Crush doesn't return the sentiment, and is even a little irritated with me.

I'm not surprised, but I am surprised by how hard it's hitting me. I'm torn about whether to keep trying to interact with people or just withdraw entirely. I feel disgusting.

How is this dating thing so effortless for some people?
I don't think anyone here would say dating is effortless, but it does help grow a thick skin to keep at it despite all the many disappointments (we all have 'em!). And you often have to turn over a lot of rocks in order to find that gem that's for you.

Also want to say that just because someone doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for them, DOES NOT mean that they don't find you attractive. It could be that she has a commitment to someone that you don't know about, and she's mono OR that she's just not into any kind of relationship right now. Maybe she has a policy of not dating people she's teaching derby to. Maybe she flirts with everybody and it doesn't mean anything to her. It could be any number of reasons, none of which have to do with you or your attractiveness. What might have to do with you is possibly that It could also be that you have come across as very insecure and fragile and she is steering clear to avoid hurting you.

What makes you say she's irritated with you???

Quote:
Originally Posted by SvartSvensk View Post
You're a beautiful woman . . .
Yes, you are, and I haven't even seen any pics of you to know this!
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #94  
Old 06-14-2011, 01:14 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Also want to say that just because someone doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for them, DOES NOT mean that they don't find you attractive.
It also doesn't mean she doesn't like you as a person.
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  #95  
Old 06-14-2011, 05:56 AM
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Ivy Ivy is offline
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Thanks for the kind words.

Basically, on Sunday evening we were at an event together, and I was flirting enough that my feelings were obvious, and she seemed to suddenly realize what was going on. She withdrew very abruptly, and we didn't talk for the rest of the night. I did stress about it at the time, but mostly because I felt like a loser for being so obvious about the flirtation. She was really busy that night, so I didn't think much about not seeing her. Today, though, she expressed a desire for distance, and her texts are unusually icy (admittedly, you lose some tone when texting, but still).

Not a great way to start the week.

I'm still stuck in the moment, and I've been obsessing over the text conversation and all that fun stuff. I need to process, and I need a box of those lovely tissues with aloe and such. Self-pity is rough on the skin.

Last edited by Ivy; 06-14-2011 at 06:31 AM.
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  #96  
Old 06-14-2011, 06:46 AM
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Oh, Ivy, honey - this is just someone you have a crush on, someone you don't know that well. Don't take it so hard!!! Don't make her more important to you in your mind than she really is. It's no reflection on you at all. Not everyone we zero in on is going to want the same thing. And no one ever died of embarrassment. There were so many times I made a complete fool of myself... but in the end, it doesn't matter. Hold your head high - you did nothing wrong. So you flirted, big whoop! Keep going. You can apologize... or not. Put on your big girl panties and move on! There's someone else who's right for you out there, but you're not going to find them by sobbing on your couch!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-14-2011 at 06:51 AM.
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  #97  
Old 06-14-2011, 11:36 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Yeah, if you apologize keep it simple. "Hey, guess I misread your signals. I'm sorry for any weirdness, and I like hanging out with you, so water under the bridge!"

Maybe something light, like a rift between the two of you would hamper the team, so you can say, "Think of the team!!"

When I was rejected once by a guy, I said, "Well, I'm glad THAT'S over. I hate asking people out!" He laughed, and we shared our mutual dislike of that kind of situation.

Act normally around her; don't be ashamed of what you've done, and it will all blow over. The distance she's creating now is most likely to ensure you understand she's not interested. It probably won't stay.
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  #98  
Old 06-15-2011, 06:04 AM
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I do feel better about it today. Still embarrassed as hell, but a little less hurt. Deleting the text convo helped immensely.

I won't see her until Saturday at the earliest, and on some level, it'll probably be good. Usually we talk and goof around a bit, but I suspect we'll both be too uncomfortable to talk about anything but skating. I'll be much more focused on improving my skills (and avoiding eye contact). So it works out. Sort of.

I don't plan to apologize--I wish I could say it's because I'm not sorry, but mostly it's because I desperately want to pretend it never happened.

I'm really going to try not to let this get the better of me emotionally. I've been keeping in touch with Heather about ethics and poly relationships, I've read just about every book out there, and I feel like once my life is less busy, I'd like to try actively dating again. I just feel like I'm stuck in the planning stages. Stepping beyond that feels so incredibly risky on so many levels, especially now. I worry that it just won't happen without thoroughly effing up one relationship or another.

Ack. Just...ack. I'm a polywannabe, I think.
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  #99  
Old 07-16-2011, 01:06 AM
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I haven't posted here in a while, but I thought I'd post now, to follow up on stuff and to tone down some of the negativity (my god, I was bummed over that breakup with Ella).

Good news: I apparently suck at interpreting signals, almost as much as I suck at giving them.

Crush was distancing herself because of stress, personal life problems, and balancing skate commitments with personal life. She totally had not realized I had been flirting with her, and had turned icy because someone else in the immediate area was being a bitch and it had gotten to her (I hadn't even been paying attention to anyone else in the area at that moment. Fail.) Together, these factors looked like clear rejection (and when I think about it, it still seems like it), but apparently they were unrelated and had nothing to do with me personally. It's really highlighted how much I anticipate and expect rejection.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I was disappointed with my performance at a skate practice, and she invited me over for drinks. We both got pretty drunk (for my part, because I was still feeling very awkward around her after what I thought was solid rejection). We ended up watching movies together, and then for reasons that make absolutely no sense to me now, I ended up stroking her hair.

And then suddenly we were making out.

She stopped me and arranged to get me home intact. I thought I was going to die of humiliation and regret, but she texted me the next morning to ask how much of my behavior was "real" and how much was alcohol. I told her it was absolutely real, though the alcohol was the only thing that made me crazy enough to try anything.

We texted on and off for the rest of the day, and the next, and so on. Her husband's fine with it and so's Vino, so we've gone out on several dates now and had some truly unfuckingbelievable sex. The strange part is she genuinely had no idea I was interested in her, and I sincerely didn't think it could get any more obvious.

So basically...

Anyway, don't know where it will go in the long run, and I really do NOT want to jinx it. But in the meanwhile...epic win.
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  #100  
Old 07-16-2011, 02:34 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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