Al99
Well-known member
"Unexpectedly Poly" was the title of my introductory post (link in signature below) back in December of last year. I had been poly-bombed by my wife who had asked me to open up our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings about an old college boy friend - and I ended up here, trying to figure out what the hell to do with that.
I knew from personal experience - as I suspect most do - that it was indeed possible to love more than one person at a time, with romantic feelings for both. Whether or not to act on two or more simultaneous romantic loves was the question - and obviously where the mono-folks and poly-folks diverge. I even had a sort of brief overview understanding of poly, as - by chance - we have an openly poly friend who had given me some insights into poly - as well as some suggestions for further study if I were interested. So I did read a bit about it, more or less out of intellectual curiosity. And I came away with the thought that poly was certainly a valid, interesting life style for those who could manage it successfully. But as for me, thanks but no thanks - just a bit too set in my ways I surmised, only to find myself stunned when my wife, who had previously told me that she thought that our friend's poly lifestyle was just a bit strange, asked me to open our marriage a couple of years down the road.
As detailed in my introductory story, I eventually agreed to transition our marriage to polyamory. While trying to come to terms with the idea that it was somehow acceptable for me to be willing to give my consent for my wife to have a sexual relationship with another man, I came across the idea of "Would I feel the same way if I had been raised and lived in a society where poly was the norm?" I had to concede that I probably would not have that same mono bias. This led to a conscious decision to make an intentional effort to "de-condition" myself of the monogamy-biased Evangelical Fundamentalist upbringing of my youth. Now, although I had dismissed their theology before I was even out of my teens, the mono-bias was definitely engrained - both from my early religious indoctrination and the bias of society in general. So, I proceeded to read a good number of books on the subject, including those that were most highly regarded and recommended ("Ethical Slut", "Opening Up", and "More Than Two"). Additionally I read a large number of web articles, regularly listened to poly broadcasts, and made it a point to actively participate in this forum.
The result was largely successful, and as the months went along, I came to the point where I could honestly say that "while poly may not have been my first choice, I had reached the point where I was comfortable being in a poly marriage" - and had come to a point where I could experience genuine compersion for my wife in her relationship, and acknowledge that she was happier in our now-polyamorous marriage. Generally, however, I considered myself the mono half of a mono-poly marriage, although not entirely because I did hold open the possibility for another relationship for myself at some point. Logistics, however, made that seem very unlikely and I really did not actively entertain the notion, nor really was it of significant priority.
Because I had frequently posted about my experience as a mono husband whose wife had asked him to open their marriage to polyamory - with reasonably successful results, I got a fair number of back channel messages from those with specific questions about how to accomplish the same with their marriage. I was always happy to engage these conversations - paying it forward for all the help that I had received on this Forum.
As equally unexpected as my original unexpected entry into the world of poly, one of these correspondences somehow became more - back channel messages became personal emails, real names, photos, texts, and phone calls -an evolving warm and caring long distance friendship - with hopes that we will be able to spend time together in the Spring, as Bouncingbetty's personal poly journey also continues to evolve.
(Betty's Blog - http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=93178 )
And so I must now acknowledge that while I continue to support and encourage my wife in her poly relationship with her boyfriend, Ben - I also find that I am now myself in emotional, loving relationships with two women - with the knowledge and consent of all involved. And I recognize that I have made polyamory my own chosen lifestyle - and that really is quite as unexpected as the very beginning of this journey. Al
I knew from personal experience - as I suspect most do - that it was indeed possible to love more than one person at a time, with romantic feelings for both. Whether or not to act on two or more simultaneous romantic loves was the question - and obviously where the mono-folks and poly-folks diverge. I even had a sort of brief overview understanding of poly, as - by chance - we have an openly poly friend who had given me some insights into poly - as well as some suggestions for further study if I were interested. So I did read a bit about it, more or less out of intellectual curiosity. And I came away with the thought that poly was certainly a valid, interesting life style for those who could manage it successfully. But as for me, thanks but no thanks - just a bit too set in my ways I surmised, only to find myself stunned when my wife, who had previously told me that she thought that our friend's poly lifestyle was just a bit strange, asked me to open our marriage a couple of years down the road.
As detailed in my introductory story, I eventually agreed to transition our marriage to polyamory. While trying to come to terms with the idea that it was somehow acceptable for me to be willing to give my consent for my wife to have a sexual relationship with another man, I came across the idea of "Would I feel the same way if I had been raised and lived in a society where poly was the norm?" I had to concede that I probably would not have that same mono bias. This led to a conscious decision to make an intentional effort to "de-condition" myself of the monogamy-biased Evangelical Fundamentalist upbringing of my youth. Now, although I had dismissed their theology before I was even out of my teens, the mono-bias was definitely engrained - both from my early religious indoctrination and the bias of society in general. So, I proceeded to read a good number of books on the subject, including those that were most highly regarded and recommended ("Ethical Slut", "Opening Up", and "More Than Two"). Additionally I read a large number of web articles, regularly listened to poly broadcasts, and made it a point to actively participate in this forum.
The result was largely successful, and as the months went along, I came to the point where I could honestly say that "while poly may not have been my first choice, I had reached the point where I was comfortable being in a poly marriage" - and had come to a point where I could experience genuine compersion for my wife in her relationship, and acknowledge that she was happier in our now-polyamorous marriage. Generally, however, I considered myself the mono half of a mono-poly marriage, although not entirely because I did hold open the possibility for another relationship for myself at some point. Logistics, however, made that seem very unlikely and I really did not actively entertain the notion, nor really was it of significant priority.
Because I had frequently posted about my experience as a mono husband whose wife had asked him to open their marriage to polyamory - with reasonably successful results, I got a fair number of back channel messages from those with specific questions about how to accomplish the same with their marriage. I was always happy to engage these conversations - paying it forward for all the help that I had received on this Forum.
As equally unexpected as my original unexpected entry into the world of poly, one of these correspondences somehow became more - back channel messages became personal emails, real names, photos, texts, and phone calls -an evolving warm and caring long distance friendship - with hopes that we will be able to spend time together in the Spring, as Bouncingbetty's personal poly journey also continues to evolve.
(Betty's Blog - http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=93178 )
And so I must now acknowledge that while I continue to support and encourage my wife in her poly relationship with her boyfriend, Ben - I also find that I am now myself in emotional, loving relationships with two women - with the knowledge and consent of all involved. And I recognize that I have made polyamory my own chosen lifestyle - and that really is quite as unexpected as the very beginning of this journey. Al
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