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Old 09-12-2011, 08:05 PM
ndd ndd is offline
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Default Blindsided

I've been married for just shy of 9 years. I am a completely monogamous guy. We've had some issues, and I thought we were working through them. As we've been somewhat distant, my wife started writing and editing erotica, and her interests have changed. She has been working with an author on a story, and in the last few weeks, a friendship developed.

Said friendship has developed into MUCH more. Monday night, she asked if I'd be open to the idea of her having cybersex with this man. I said I needed to think about it. The next morning, in the heat of discussion, I asked if she wanted it to become a physical thing. She said yes. At that point, she asked if she could pursue a sexual relationship with him.

I began the battle of dealing with this. As we have continued discussions, she has told me that our relationship was broken, and she sees this as a way to potentially save our relationship. Otherwise, she is done. By Wednesday night, we had come to a preliminary arrangement (depending on whether I can handle this at all) of her seeing him to fulfill her newly found D&S needs.

Saturday night, she informed me that their friendship had now grown to the point that she wanted to pursue an actual relationship with him, while keeping and working on our relationship.

She has been completely open, honest, and supportive in all this. I get that the root cause of unhappiness is my fault, but I never expected this to happen. I've always known that she was the kind of person open to this type of situation, as she has known that I am completely hard-wired against it.

The last few days has had many hours of discussions, though I am still completely unsure of what I should do. I love her to the point that contrary to my beliefs, I am considering it. But I need some outside perspective and guidance. I have done lots of reading, and am well aware that everything screams to not go along with this, as it is doomed to fail for MANY reasons. But at the same token, I don't know that I'm ready to let go. Is the possibility that it might work better than saying goodbye now ans starting the healing process?
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Old 09-12-2011, 09:31 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Woah woah woah. She just started getting to know this guy within the last month, she just started talking to you about this within the last week, and suddenly it's poly, D/s and this particular guy, right now, or she's done? That may be honest and open, but I sure as hell don't see how it's supportive.

In your reading, perhaps you've come across the ironic phrase "relationship broken, add more people"? If you guys are going through such a serious rough patch, polyamory will make things harder, not easier. Poly should ideally happen only when your relationship is as strong as possible. So, if you've been together 9 years and this is the low point, this is the exact wrong time to open up. If you both really want to make things work, you'd do better to take a while... months, maybe a year... and solve the problems you're having, through therapy if necessary, THEN consider bringing in another person.

On the other hand, it sounds like she may not be giving you a choice. Does her writer friend know how blindsided, hesitant and hurting you are? If not, for the sake of honesty he should. And if so, and he's still prepared to go forward with it anyway, that doesn't show the level of respect for the existing relationship that you want in a metamour...

It's not that this can't possibly, under any circumstances work, it's just that she's setting things off to a very very shaky start, and she should reeeeeally considered slowing down if she wants to keep her marriage with you intact.

What do you mean when you say you know the root cause of the unhappiness is your own fault?
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:09 PM
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It is illogical (and a bit daft) to think that a third person will fix what needs healing between the two of you. Not only does it just make things more complicated, it will take time and energy away from what needs to be addressed in your relationship, basically serving as a distraction from the pain, AND it lays a huge burden on the additional partner.

Has she talked to you about why she sees the relationship as "broken?" It sounds like that completely surprised you.

If I were you, I would tell her that you will consider a polyamorous arrangement if, and ONLY IF, she agrees to going to therapy or counseling with you for a predetermined period (say, 6 months) to work on healing your marriage. I would ask her not to start any relationship with that other guy during that time, after which you would be willing to discuss opening the marriage if she still feels that's what she wants. But she has no right to run rough-shod all over you. She has her terms, you have yours. If she cannot agree to that, then your marriage and relationship is not a priority for her, and I would seriously consider leaving. Sorry, but...
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:33 PM
ndd ndd is offline
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@Anna, she's been working with him for over 6 months, so it's not like he's new to her. As for the root cause, I've needed to make changes, and we've gone round and round for a while about it, but due to health issues and my own stupid self, it didn't start to happen until very recently. According to her, it's too little too late. I can't blame her there.

As I've read some of the other stories here, I realized how to phrase our situation. The relationship as it existed before is over, but she's willing to make the effort to make something work. I am not surprised at what y'all are telling me, that's what everything I've read says. She is committed to making our relationship work if I am willing to be a part of this type of relationship. I just don't know if I can.
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Old 09-12-2011, 10:41 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ndd View Post
She is committed to making our relationship work if I am willing to be a part of this type of relationship. I just don't know if I can.
Not with a gun to your head, anyway.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 11:15 PM.
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Old 09-12-2011, 11:53 PM
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I recognize that it may be hard to talk about, and of course you don't have to... but you *are* anonymous here, so don't be too hesitant to give us more details as to things like what exactly needed changing that wasn't getting changed in your marriage previously.

Sometimes you may not think something is particularly relevant but now and then other posters will make connections that may not have occurred to you but that might be helpful for you. We don't need a novel but it can help to have the full story.
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:09 PM
ndd ndd is offline
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The problems stem from the fact that I am lazy. Hell, that's the only thing we EVER argue about. I know that, and honestly tried to work on it. Last March, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and had my thyroid removed. Since then, getting the medicines balanced has eluded us until the last month or so. Because of that, I was physically unable to make the changes I needed to make. That's where the blindside came from, in the fact that I felt things were finally starting to go in the right direction.

We've both been numb through the health problems, which caused us both to pull away. She never wants to "rock the boat", so she simply bottles up until the top blows off. At the same time, I can be quite oblivious to what's going on around me until my attention is brought to it. I guess it's kind of a perfect storm for us.

After my last post, I finally recognized and accepted the reality of the situation. The relationship that we had was over. However, she is willing to make a new relationship with me if it includes who she really is, which is the poly side of her. I agreed to that last night. And I am oddly at peace with it in my heart. Now it's my head that I'm trying to bring in line.
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Old 09-13-2011, 01:34 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ndd View Post
The problems stem from the fact that I am lazy. Hell, that's the only thing we EVER argue about. I know that, and honestly tried to work on it. Last March, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and had my thyroid removed. Since then, getting the medicines balanced has eluded us until the last month or so. Because of that, I was physically unable to make the changes I needed to make. That's where the blindside came from, in the fact that I felt things were finally starting to go in the right direction.

We've both been numb through the health problems, which caused us both to pull away. She never wants to "rock the boat", so she simply bottles up until the top blows off. At the same time, I can be quite oblivious to what's going on around me until my attention is brought to it. I guess it's kind of a perfect storm for us.

After my last post, I finally recognized and accepted the reality of the situation. The relationship that we had was over. However, she is willing to make a new relationship with me if it includes who she really is, which is the poly side of her. I agreed to that last night. And I am oddly at peace with it in my heart. Now it's my head that I'm trying to bring in line.

OK I'm calling bullshit on her behavior, sorry. I have hypothyroidism and my mom had thyroid cancer. Because my thyroid deteriorated over a period of 5 years, my endocrine system got more and more screwed up and my energy level was CRAP. This is not laziness-- THIS IS A MEDICAL ISSUE. Even after I finally got a doctor to do what they needed to do it took almost THREE years and multiple medication dosages and a bazillion other health changes in order for me to feel like a real person again.

So basically you've been going through severe health issues that have caused you to have very very low energy and made it hard to get through the day, not to mention get things done, and instead of dealing with how health issues affect a relationship, she bottled it up until it was too much, took it out on you and now wants a new relationship.

My husband had a hard time with my illness as well as I was not the same person at that time and it took a LONG time to figure out what the issue was. By the end of the work day it was all I could do to sit on the couch and try to work up the energy to take a shower. I wasn't exactly a ball of laughs. I didn't have the energy for ANYTHING, I slept a lot and was still exhausted, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Frankly I agree with NYCindie... you need to stress going to a therapist to deal with these issues first before adding anything into the mix. I know you feel "guilty" that your sickness caused all of this distress, but that's part of being in a relationship-- it's not always sunshine and roses.

And if she really "doesn't want to rock the boat", and bottles stuff up inside instead of communicating-- she should not be trying to cultivate more than one relationship. Honesty and communication and being able to work through issues is one of the most important things needed in a single relationship, and pretty much mandatory for multiple relationships--unless you don't care if the relationships are healthy, and don't care about the other people at all.
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:28 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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What Minxxa said!

My husband bottles things up. This is very difficult to deal with because there is no warning that things are even building so it can't be dealt with until it's nearly too late. Until she gets in the habit of not "bottling everything up" you may need to sit her down and actually check in with her more often - this can avoid some of the massive explosions. Good luck!
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Old 09-13-2011, 04:41 PM
ndd ndd is offline
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I appreciate the support there Minxxa. It's an issue because I've always been a lazy person (which I can now admit), and we've had the same fight well before the diagnosis. She simply reached the point where she couldn't believe I'd actually make a change, which I don't blame her for. She's given me more chances than I probably should have gotten to fix it.

And she wasn't trying to find another relationship, it's just kinda happened. She started talking more with him about everything (as a friend), and it has just progressed the way it has. He is well aware of everything and was informed of the decision last night. He has always been poly, recognizes all the same warning signs about this situation that have been pointed out, but is willing to accept the risk as well as we are. Basically, no one was looking for this situation to end up where it has (especially as quickly as it has), but it happens.
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