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  #81  
Old 07-25-2011, 06:30 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
It is VERY petty, and usually just comes when I'm down and feeling lonely and it feels like I am not getting my needs met so that others can get theirs met and it feels unfair and I want to stomp my feet and complain.
I would not call it petty, it is a very real frustration. What I have found lately, is that if I can share my feelings with my husband while at the same time express empathy for his his time constraints and issues, it makes us both feel better. He knows I'm feeling needy or such, but that I also sympathize that he is being pulled 500 different directions. At this point, he usually appologizes and re-assures me that things will settle down a little by such and such a date. This usually helps me calm down because I know that he actually heard me vs blowing me off as PMSing or such.

It has also helped us to have discussions about what I need to hear from him (and vice versa ) in certain situations, what will let me know that he isn't just blowing me off and takes my need seriously, even if he can't meet them right away. In turn, he lets me know better ways to express my needs without it coming across as whinny and complaining (which he tunes out). These conversations have made an enormous difference in our relationship, especially when things are getting chaotic.
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  #82  
Old 07-25-2011, 06:46 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I would not call it petty, it is a very real frustration. What I have found lately, is that if I can share my feelings with my husband while at the same time express empathy for his his time constraints and issues, it makes us both feel better. He knows I'm feeling needy or such, but that I also sympathize that he is being pulled 500 different directions. At this point, he usually appologizes and re-assures me that things will settle down a little by such and such a date. This usually helps me calm down because I know that he actually heard me vs blowing me off as PMSing or such.

It has also helped us to have discussions about what I need to hear from him (and vice versa ) in certain situations, what will let me know that he isn't just blowing me off and takes my need seriously, even if he can't meet them right away. In turn, he lets me know better ways to express my needs without it coming across as whinny and complaining (which he tunes out). These conversations have made an enormous difference in our relationship, especially when things are getting chaotic.
Thank you for that. The bolded part is what I REALLY think I need right now. In my head I realize he is in a very difficult situation right now, and I realize why things are the way they are and that they will change. I just need him to tell me that he appreciates my efforts, and we will get to make it up when he gets home. Sometimes I feel like when I bring it up, he's too overloaded with other people's emotions to be able to handle mine and I do feel like he blows me off. Most likely out of necessity, but I think I just need to feel HEARD.

I might not talk to him about it tonight, we'll see, but it is something we'll need to address for the future. Hopefully when he comes home he'll get a little respite from things enough to get a break and some mental rest. Then maybe we can discuss some of these things and get some better tools for the future. Honestly we've made huge progress in the past 5 months. But the combination of the distance and the situation that developed there has just kind of put our progress on hold until he's home. I'm okay with that for now, as it's temporary, but we will definitely need to put some things in place so that we are better prepared to handle things as they come up.
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  #83  
Old 07-25-2011, 07:00 PM
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I litterally have gone back to my husband a day or hours later and said: "I'm sorry that I was complaining so much, I know you are really stressed out right now. What I really needed to hear was that you do notice and appreciate what I am doing and that you recognize that I am trying to hold out until ____. I need to hear that things will get better."

I was amazed that he did actually do this the next time it or something similar came up and was even more amazed at how much better it really did make me feel. When it looks like I've missed the mark, I have gone to asking him, "When you say such thing, what do you really need from me?"
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  #84  
Old 07-25-2011, 07:17 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I love how you worded that. I definitely will have to talk to him. We'll see how it goes tonight, but if not tonight, then soon. I'm just really feeling out where he is in his receptability as he is under such tremendous stress right now even a well-worded phrase could be more than he can deal with at any one time.

I know it will get better, but I think you're right, I just need to a little recognition for what I'm doing to support him. Sometimes I feel like (or have in past relationships), that the stronger I was and the more I handled things well (even though it wasn't EASY for me, but I did it), the more it was taken for granted. I just need to let him know I don't mind being strong and taking care of my own stuff without him most of the time, but just some acknowledgement that it is WORK, and not always easy, and that he appreciates it, would be nice.
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  #85  
Old 07-25-2011, 07:23 PM
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This is a new thing for us (after 20 years) and just want to slap my forehead everytime I think of how much better things could have been had we just done this type of thing earlier on. Good luck and hold strong.
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  #86  
Old 07-25-2011, 07:33 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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This is a new thing for us (after 20 years) and just want to slap my forehead everytime I think of how much better things could have been had we just done this type of thing earlier on. Good luck and hold strong.
LOL, I know the feeling! We've been together almost 11 and same thing-- just finally figuring out how to really communicate.

I do still tend to think really hard about what I want to say because we're still learning how to communicate well, and I am trying to be able to say what I need in the most compassionate way. Whenever I just say what I'm feeling, especially when I'm in a frustrated place (like yesterday), it just comes out wrong.

I have been journaling a lot more which has helped a LOT in me being able to sort through the garbage in my head/emotions and weed out the good stuff. I've also been doing hot yoga regularly and that is a GODSEND to my anxiety levels. Even if something's bugging me on the way in, by the time I'm done I'm in a much better position to look at it from a place of rationality and understanding. We're definitely on the right track, though, and I appreciate all of the advice I get here immensely!!
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  #87  
Old 07-26-2011, 03:23 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So talked with hubs tonight which was nice. Kind of stilted conversation though... I didn't have a lot of new stuff to talk about since I'm basically working and going to school... and since most of everything he's doing now revolves around the GF and we don't talk about her much... well, left the conversation a bit jumpy.

I think that should get better when it gets closer to him being home. And I wished I had more to talk to him about, but really-- went to work, came home, went to school, studied, wrote a paper, hung with kids, pet pupper, went to yoga. That's about all I got right now. LOL...

It did get easier after a bit, but I wonder sometimes about when he gets home. i don't want it to go back to what it was when he left, but how do we bridge that gap. What do we talk about? I'm sure we'll figure it all out...

He's also under a lot of stress, so trying to keep things light for him as well.

I'm gonna have to think on that a bit this week. Try working on some new things for us to talk about... ask some questions.. get to know each other again and where we are now.
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  #88  
Old 07-27-2011, 11:37 AM
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I've had friends come in for an exchange year up here while in a long-term committed relationship with their partners, and eventually they all complain that Skyping gets old! There's just not so much to talk about. So they play games or watch shows together instead of talking all the time.

If you Skype regularly, you could agree to specific times for talking about relationship stuff and then everyone would be ready and in the mental space to do that, and at other times just keep it light and fun.
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  #89  
Old 07-27-2011, 02:39 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I've had friends come in for an exchange year up here while in a long-term committed relationship with their partners, and eventually they all complain that Skyping gets old! There's just not so much to talk about. So they play games or watch shows together instead of talking all the time.

If you Skype regularly, you could agree to specific times for talking about relationship stuff and then everyone would be ready and in the mental space to do that, and at other times just keep it light and fun.
Yeah... I can see that happening for sure! We used to get on skype for like 4 hours together... not so much anymore! LOL Interesting that you mentioned games, though. I ended up remembering that there was this game I had bought a friend one time called Table Top Conversations... it's just a box of conversation starter question cards for parties, and I'd gotten her the 1980's edition for her birthday. So I looked it up and they have a couples one with interesting questions... so I bought it. I'm gonna surprise him with it our next Skype date. I figured it would be interesting AND since we're in the getting to know each other all over again phase of our relationship it would be fun.

We don't get much time to Skype really--once a week on Mondays.I race home on Monday and hop on at about 5 my time, which is 8 his time, so MAX 2 hours, usually 1-1/2 before he's getting tired since it's a work day. It's way less than I'd like, but it's better than nothing, and it's definitely something I look forward to. Makes Mondays less sucky, that's for sure!

We don't talk about his other relationship mostly at all anymore. It's just too much of a train wreck waiting to happen, and the only way I can support him is to stay as far away from it as possible, do my best to not worry, and be his support by being strong and not needing him as much. He knows I'm here if he needs me, or to ask questions, but other than that I really am not involved at all.

And as for OUR relationship, we're fine, and any other talking about it has kind of been put on the back burner until he gets home because he doesn't have the emotional energy to really focus on us right now with all that's going on over there. Really, after this weekend, it's only about 2-1/2 weeks until he leaves, so between that situation and tying up all the loose ends at work and handing over stuff to his replacement, he's got his hands full. I can wait. Like he always likes to tell me, we have years ahead together. LOL.

This weekend's going to be different. I think both kids are going up to visit their friends for a couple of days, so I'll be alone in the house! EEEK! it's been a few months. I have my final for my class on Saturday morning, so done by 10ish, and then my plan is to go to my old hangout bar and hang with some old friends I haven't gotten to see much lately for a couple of hours, so that will be fun! Other than that I have NO plans. I'm hoping to hook up with my good friend C this weekend, she's been out of town and we haven't gotten to hang in a month or so... but I'm playing that by ear. She seemed a little stressed last time we talked about being a bit overbusy (as usual for her), so I don't want to add to it, but maybe we can sneak in a glass of wine and I can be HER support for a little bit!

And then I'm thinking there will have to be some big time cleaning going on. I need to trim up the front yard, and I need to vacuum the dog hairs from all of the nooks and crannies in the house. Maybe I'll get a couple of good movies to watch while I'm working... sounds like a nice day to me!
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  #90  
Old 07-27-2011, 07:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Talked to hubs a bit on text this morning and it was very nice.

He was all apologetic for being down on our last skype date, but really, I get it. Neither of us has anything "new" to discuss... and I can tell when he's seriously stressed and stretched too far.

Interestingly I got an email today talking about how to set good boundaries for yourself. How to ground yourself, and protect yourself from taking on too much of other people's stuff and energy, so you can still be there but not get psychically and emotionally drained. Very timely, for sure! I definitely am learning to do that with him, because in the past I would always let myself and my moods be affected by his. That doesn't do anybody any good. I've gotten a lot better at it, but I don't think he has been doing that at all. I sent it to him in hopes that he will read it as right now he really needs to learn how to be "there" for someone without getting pulled under. I think it's a skill we all need.

Also in the email was this great link to a video on youtube called "How to Be Alone". I thought it was VERY cool.

http://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs
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