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  #51  
Old 06-24-2011, 03:31 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I got a chance to talk to hubs tonight, which was nice.

We talked about a lot of stuff... my upcoming trip to see him, and what we want to do. We're going to do lunch with his GF which will be nice. I guess she is having the same issues of how do I deal with 5 days of not talking to him. LOL. I told hubs that I've learned that keeping busy doesn't work really well for me. I guess that's what she's thinking... I want her to know that I understand the difficulty, and help her through it. We'll see. I sent her an email with a bunch of stuff... basically just letting her know that I get where she's coming from, that if she needs to talk to hubs, she should. I don't expect her to disappear for 5 days... I alsosent links to a bunch of crap that's been helpful for me. We'll see how that goes.

I just know how hard it can be. And I"m already thinking that the two months after my visit are going to be... uncomfortable for me. Not bad, not horrible, nothing like that... but uncomfortable none-the-less. She's going to be not having her kids for a while and so they will have a lot of time to spend together. This is a good thing. I told hubs it would have been nice to have more time to work into a lot of this stuff, but that's not how it worked out and so there you have it! I have a lot of stuff in place to work on this next couple of months. I have a personal development course I'm taking online to work on my own issues with worthiness, perfection and all of that crap. And I have at least one girls' night in the works, and my good girlfriend and I will be doing stuff. And I have a potential date in the works as well. So I've got a lot going on. My feeling is that it will be a very productive couple of months and go by fast and slow at the same time.

Hubs and I also talked about how I had to stop myself this week from comparing how he is with her in this new relationship and how he was with me when we first were dating. He is a completely different person now. And not only can't you compare two different relationships AT ALL, but you can't compare who he is now to who he was then. It's a totally different ballgame.

So it's looking good.. things are changing as always.. there is much work to be done. I am uncomfortable a lot of the time, but right now I'm uncomfortable in my own skin because I've basically stripped all of my defenses and my coping mechanisms I've used for 20 years and am starting over. Wow. Kinda like diving into the frozen water in winter. Refreshing, but scary!!

Last edited by Minxxa; 06-24-2011 at 02:13 PM.
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  #52  
Old 06-27-2011, 09:58 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So just catching up a little...

Things are going well. Had my final for the class from hell on Saturday, Friday night spent writing my research paper and studying! Got it all done and am now free for a week! So got to enjoy my weekend a little. Spent time with the kidlets, ran a bunch of errands to prep for my trip to see hubs this week. Got to Skype with him on Saturday which was nice.

Had a brief moment in the morning on Sunday. Basically just a miscommunication, and had to call hubs and clear up a misunderstanding. I'd told him that he didn't need to ask me permission to do things, or even tell me everything they did-- because I wanted to let go and let them take their relationship wherever it's going to go for them --and he took that to mean I didn't WANT to know when they did stuff. LOL. Anyway, I just had to clear up that he didn't need to give me point by point on everything they do, like if they go out to dinner I don't necessarily need to hear "we went out to dinner". But if he tells me about dinner, he can tell me he went with her, not just omit the information as if he went alone. That would just be silly, and, in fact... omission also has a bad feel in our relationship because in the past omissions were always bad things. Something secret, something that ended up hurting me.

It's a learning curve for sure, but a sign to me that when it comes to important points we really need to go back to basics in communication-- one person says what they think or want, and the second person repeats it back to them to see if they got it right, move on, rinse, repeat. At least for a while. I'm learning more and more that what people say isn't what the other people hear and sometimes they hear the exact words and still get a different meaning out of it.

But I was proud of myself because it had been bugging me all morning and I took the time to think about it and figure out what was bugging me and what we needed to do and then I just presented it to him. Probably a LITTLE more wordy than I needed to, I do tend to go overboard, but not a big deal and it cleared up a lot I think for both of us.

It also reminded me that as much as I'd like to deny it, we do have a past with a lot of toxic waste in it. I was talking to him a while ago, saying I should list all the toxic stuff and then do a little ceremony and burn it and purge it and put it in the past. I think I'm going to ask my good friend C to help me, she digs that kind of stuff. I know it's a little silly, but the power of the mind is amazing. Even my counselor suggests that when I have thoughts I don't want to just think of your brain like Teflon, the thought goes in one ear, sails straight through and goes out the other and falls into an endless abyss. I kind of want to do the same thing with past hurts and wrongs and regrets. They need a formal burial!

I told hubs on Saturday, that Friday and Saturday were the first days in a long while where I didn't have some sort of pit in my stomach. It was nice, to just BE. Get stuff done, laugh a little. I truly do think that sometimes it just takes time and our long distance/short time issues just put a lot of pressure on everybody to suck it up and get good with stuff really quick. I make no promises that it will always be that way, but what it's saying to me is that I'm making progress. That I will hopefully have more days like that and less with pits in my stomach, but when I do feel butterfly-y, I at least have a better method of dealing with it and just being in it and letting it pass.

It also helps that his GF and I have been emailing. Just getting to know each other, which is really nice. It's nice to get to know her as a real person.

Anyway, I've been offline a bit more in all areas of my life cuz I have much to do and am trying to wean myself off of using the computer as a social life! I have three days to get stuff done and then off to the east coast. Very much looking forward to this vacation, it should be a lot of fun!
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  #53  
Old 06-29-2011, 07:37 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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so last day at work today and headed to the east coast tomorrow. Yay!

Interestingly I had an evening (well, the evening was fine, the trying to fall asleep and stay there was unsuccessful). I am beginning to get the notion that my anxious feelings aren't always directly related to something going on in my life. As in... I think I just have a low key anxiety that acts up now and then with the slightest inclination. And it's so wierd for me because something that is bigger won't bother me at all and some little thing will set my anxiety off like gangbusters!

I was thinking about getting something to help me sleep, but am not big on drugs at all, and I was googling about and decided to get a natural sleeping/anxiety/calming aid. It's homeopathic, but it had good reviews and wasn't expensive, so if it doesn't work for me, no biggie. It's called Calms Forte. Anyway, going to try that in conjunction with the melatonin I already have and the valerian and see if I can find a combo that helps me sleep when my brain just wants to stay up and partay.

Hot yoga after work and then home to get ready and finish packing. I so need this trip!

Have a great fourth everybody, and be safe!
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  #54  
Old 06-29-2011, 07:49 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I am beginning to get the notion that my anxious feelings aren't always directly related to something going on in my life. As in... I think I just have a low key anxiety that acts up now and then with the slightest inclination. And it's so wierd for me because something that is bigger won't bother me at all and some little thing will set my anxiety off like gangbusters!
I think I do this too. I'm beginning to see that on occassion, I sabatoge myself and possibly create something to get all worked up over.
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  #55  
Old 06-29-2011, 07:57 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I think I do this too. I'm beginning to see that on occassion, I sabatoge myself and possibly create something to get all worked up over.

LOL. I feel more like if I'm not anxious, I handle everything fine, and even if I feel odd or uncomfortable with something I can maneuver through it and it's not a big dealio. But if I'm in an anxious state, then when things come up I'm less apt to handle it well, and it's harder to maneuver through and get to the other side.

The stuff that comes up is just life, feel it, handle it, move on. But how capable I am of doing that is definitely dependent on where my anxiety state is. Now I just need to figure out how to manage that anxiety state... and eliminate as much of it as I can.

Of course, if I could figure out how to make that work I'd be a millionaire!
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  #56  
Old 07-06-2011, 04:05 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So back from my little trip/vacation!

Had a great time, got to spend a lot of nice relaxing time with hubs with a few crazy times, too. I got to meet his GF on Friday which was nice. We all got a little too tipsy, but had a nice time and got to get to know each other a little. I know the trip wasn't the easiest on her, but I don't want to get into that because it's not my story to tell-- and I'm sure I don't have all the info. Sufficed to say it's not always an easy journey.

I'm glad to be home because I can't seem to sleep well not in my own bed! And I missed the kidlets and pupper... but now I miss hubs again, LOL. I'm looking forward to when we're all in the same place again. It's only a couple of months or so, maybe less (no certain date, of course), and I'm sure parts of it will go by fast and parts will drag like no tomorrow.

I'm still a little jet lagged and worn down, so hoping to have a relaxing evening with the kidlets tonight and bed early. Back in school again, and my teacher is one I have a hard time with because he literally goes on and on and on about NOTHING. Yuck. Oh well, it's only a month. I'm bringing my laptop tomorrow so I can do some homework, work on some of the work from class and take care of a few things. It's the only way I'll make it through. :-/

Back to yoga on Friday (hopefully, if I feel up to it), otherwise on Sunday. Back in my groove. Which reminds me, need to set up a Skype date with hubs this weekend. We definitely talked about making sure we keep that up and sacred, since we'll both be crazy busy until he gets home. I'm so looking forward to it, and yet I know that it's going to be hard for his GF and I feel bad about that, too. And I know that as much as he's looking forward to coming home, that he'll be missing what he's leaving, too. Sheesh! Maybe we all just need to figure out better ways to do Long Distance!

So my goals to be working on the next couple of months (I need to focus on them, I'm still in vacation zombie mode!):

1) getting into my yoga hopefully twice a week for anxiety relief and just the sheer physical pleasure of feeling strong and yet wrung out at the same time!

2) strengthening and rebuilding my social structure. I need to hang with my friends more, meet some new friends, maybe meet a few people with romantic potential... just get out there and have fun.

3) work on my personal stuff-- I start an online class next week about working through and figuring out how to live more wholeheartedly--getting past the perfetionistic stuff... loving yourself right now, that kind of thing. I'm also getting together with C soon to do a cleansing of the past toxic crap ritual.

4) work on my book. I need to get more structured and get some meetings set up (it's an interview/personal story type of book). But my plan is to get it going in the next month so I can start. I'll have a few months off of classes before I start my practicum at the end of the year so that will be a perfect time to have it going well so I can keep it moving!

And then lastly... not doing TOO much. Even with all of this above, I need to space things out and have plenty of relaxation time, plenty of kid bonding fun time, and plenty of adult time.

It's a goal...
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  #57  
Old 07-07-2011, 09:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So had a bit of a rough day today. I guess a combination of PMS, post-vacation blues, reality of school/work/obligations setting back in, and a general malaise about things. Much underlying anxiety running amock today, my stomach muscles hurt from clenching involuntarily and I've been having to remind myself to take big deep breaths all day. :-(

I feel a bit disconnected right now. I'm wondering if a lot of it is due to all of this huge change I'm doing within myself. It's like I'm wearing a suit that doesn't fit anymore, but I don't have a new suit yet. Just a general uncomfortableness with everything. Change isn't my strong suit, really. And this much change-- basically redefining myself, who I am, what I want and making it all happen-- is a lot.

I definitely need a girl's night soon-- hopefully this weekend my girlie C and I can get together and just hang for an hour or two. I'll take what I can get she always helps me work through the mess in my head and makes me feel okay about the process. Just thinking about that and I'm tearing up... oh, yes, PMS is in the house.
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  #58  
Old 07-08-2011, 11:45 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Minxxa, I am glad you got to see your hubs and had a mostly nice vacation. Yoga rocks. You can do it everyday at home, even if you don't feel like doing a whole class.

If I don't get my exercise in enough, my stress levels really build.

Hope you have fun with yr woman friend C.
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I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
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  #59  
Old 07-08-2011, 02:39 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Thanks Mags.

So talked to my girlie C last night for a little bit which always helps. I love how I can explain what I'm feeling and she totally gets it. And as she said, just remember, it will pass. We can't get together this weekend but are going to shoot for a dinner next Wednesdayish.

I ditched school early, went home and went to bed. Got a much better night's sleep, probably the best one in a couple of weeks and feel a lot better. Also wrote a ton of stuff in my personal journal last night... some thoughts, some venting, just outgassing of crap in my head. That helped a lot too.

So the weekend will be yoga and kids and home, which will be nice. Oh, and some homework, but that's okay too. Hopefully going to schedule a Skype date with hubs, we'll figure that out today.

And I know yoga is something you can do at home, just haven't managed that yet. Mostly I'm home so little, and when I am I'm exhausted and want to either do nothing, have to study or need to clean or cook. LOL. As with many things in my life... maybe after grad school.
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Old 07-08-2011, 07:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ah, just 5 or 10 mins of stretching does wonder for me. Think I'll go do some right now! Stressful day...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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