Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 06-15-2011, 07:54 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

So happy to hear! In the second-to-last post, when you were wondering what to focus your thoughts on, I was thinking 'go get yourself a hobby'!
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 06-15-2011, 02:27 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
So happy to hear! In the second-to-last post, when you were wondering what to focus your thoughts on, I was thinking 'go get yourself a hobby'!
LOL, well I do need to find an interest that I love (and find time to actually DO it), but that's not really what I was talking about.

What do normal people think about while they're going through their day? Me, I have a relatively rote job, where it requires thought, but not dedicated mental focus. So while I'm working my brain has time to think about other things. Many times I'll listen to music, often I'll even "watch" (listen to) shows on netflix or hulu. But my mind does wander. It's at these times I need other things to peruse mentally.

I've spent 15 years under stress, either relational, or kid-wise, etc. So mostly my thoughts have been preoccupied with how to FIX stuff-- me, the relationship, figuring out how to plan something out or fit another thing into the schedule-- that sort of thing. OR, looking forward and focusing on whatever I'm looking forward to at the time-- like hubs being home, or me finishing school, etc. But I'm just tired of thinking about that stuff all of the time. (To be honest I'm tired of thinking all of the time, AT ALL.)

I need a combination of something FUN to think about or consider, and some mindfulness exercises and meditation to have periods of no thought. I need to back my brain away from wandering aimlessly and get it to concentrate at the task at hand, the conversation at hand, the day at hand. Amazing how something that sounds so simple can be... not so much.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 06-16-2011, 01:26 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So I'm definitely on a more even keel today (and yesterday). Two days in a row, whooo!

In my counseling classes we talk about how often there are more interpersonal problems within an alcoholic person's home when they stop drinking than when they were. Because when the alcoholic person stops drinking, they become a different person than they were, act differently, treat everything differently. Nobody knows what to expect. And everybody's role changes because their role and how they act within the family structure was driven by the alcoholic and his actions. So when that's all gone it's very disconcerting.

I totally get that dynamic now. I think that's where my little emotional bottoming out happened. My life is so different right this minute than it was even a month ago. And I'm sort of at a loss (in a good way I think) for how to go about living because I'm not in the same dynamic at all.

Basically it comes back down to me really needing to explore what I want, go after my passions, live my life for myself WITH my partner instead of living my life FOR my partner. I was that person once. I tried to remember her, and somewhere in the having kids, getting married process she got buried and now I got to go dig her up! (Why am I getting a zombified 20 year old me picture in my head??)

My husband asked if I was having a midlife crisis, and maybe yes? The person I made myself into isn't the person I want to be (not all of her anyway, she's got some good points I'm holding onto!). Now it's time to do some real work.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 06-16-2011, 08:46 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So I just reread my journal because hubs' GF (I need to give her an actual code name on here!) is trying to figure out her role in this situation, and I know that maybe reading about other people's experiences and asking some questions might help her out.

Luckily for me apparently even when I'm falling apart I'm considerate, so nothing in the journal (I don't think) that I'd not want her to read. I didn't think so, because I do like her and I'm a pretty kind hearted person, but I've been a bit off-keel the past week! LOL

Anyway, hoping to get her some info and maybe she'll get over here to ask questions. I would hope she could feel comfortable, but then maybe she would have trouble asking what she needs to if I might read it? I'd understand that, too. We shall see...
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 06-16-2011, 09:30 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 6,754
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Basically it comes back down to me really needing to explore what I want, go after my passions, live my life for myself WITH my partner instead of living my life FOR my partner. I was that person once. I tried to remember her, and somewhere in the having kids, getting married process she got buried and now I got to go dig her up! (Why am I getting a zombified 20 year old me picture in my head??)

My husband asked if I was having a midlife crisis, and maybe yes? The person I made myself into isn't the person I want to be (not all of her anyway, she's got some good points I'm holding onto!). Now it's time to do some real work.
Our stories are different but I can so-o-ooooo relate to this, especially the parts I bolded.
__________________
Hot chick in the city.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me.
~Bryan Ferry
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 06-16-2011, 10:12 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,503
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
live my life for myself WITH my partner instead of living my life FOR my partner.
I like this line!!!! It's something many people struggle with.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 06-17-2011, 02:29 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
I like this line!!!! It's something many people struggle with.
That makes me feel better because i look at that statement and kind of think "duh!"' lol. Ive been seeing myself realize a lot of things that are fairly obvious.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 06-20-2011, 03:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So things are moving in the right direction. Hubs came home for a VERY short stay, LOL, but it was enough to get some loving and hugging and do some talking which was really productive and needed. We also had a little bump on Saturday night when we were out, just a reminder of things we need to work on. It's like over there where he is he's in this fantasy life/vacation world, and even when I go see him there, I'm on vacation and in this fantasy life/vacation world. Real life here is different. There are responsibilities, and old patterns that sneak up on you when you let your guard down. The good part is I think we both realize that and know that they will come up and we will deal with them and figure it out as we go along. You know--work on the issues of the relationship.

On the personal front, I've definitely reached a point where the putting off of doing all the personal work has ended. I can't procrastinate that anymore. And I feel like I have a pretty safe space to do that-- and some good friends to be there when I have my moments. I talked to my friend C last night for about an hour and was explaining the past week and she totally got it. She's gone through her own moments of clarity, and personal change and growth and she realizes that sometimes you lose yourself a little-- or really you have to let go of the "self" you've been putting forth to get to the person underneath. Anyway, she's my sounding board when I feel a little crazy because she can hear it and absorb it, understand it and make me feel safe about it all. And I've found I need to blow out all of the crazy so I can find the nugget of truth and clarity at the bottom of the pile. And that one thing is usually what I need to pass on to hubs, not all the toxic stuff that's hiding it. At the end of the conversation she said that she was so happy for me because I was doing all this great work!

The other thing she said which was really cool to hear was that through all of my things I'm dealing with she felt that I really liked hubs' GF and had respect for her, which is true. I'm glad that came through, even when I'm all unbalanced and struggling. I've been seeing a lot more recently that these issues that come up are not BECAUSE of poly, or BECAUSE of other relationships. They just bring a spotlight that finds and shows us the weaknesses and the needs and kind of forces us to sit down and define ourselves and what we need and want.

Regardless, all of the personal work is emotionally and physically draining. So I'm working on lightening my load a bit. Today's task is finding a gardener/landscaper to get them out to take care of the lawn this weekend, and get someone to come out a couple of times a month to do the front lawn.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 06-21-2011, 04:11 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I had a really great chat with hubs tonight. Just nice to talk and see how things are going. I realized today I had an issue with something and I got to tell him about it without getting stoooopid. I just realized that after thinking about it there was sort of an issue (at least something that affected me), so I let him know really simply. It went well.

In the past I woudn't have said anything and then eventually I'd have gotten all pissy about it. It's nice not to be there anymore.

I do worry sometimes that he's going to be on emotional overload. He's got two ladies in his life that are dealing with a lot of stuff... that can't be easy. He's doing well though, so I won't argue.

I also got a call tonight that my teacher had personal issues and won't be having class on thursday, so my presentation is due... tomorrow! ACK!!! I've done a lot, but I don't have it done. :-/ I'll try, but sheesh.....
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 06-22-2011, 01:59 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I have been doing a lot of poly listening/reading this week. I'm about on overload though. I think soon I will need to back away from the research and just live the life. Besides, I have a lot of personal stuff to work out on my own, for sure.

But... one thing I did read was one of the old threads on here about prescriptionless relationships. Interesting thread for sure, and kind of goes along with what we've been working on. I've never been a big one on having "rules" with our relationships. Other than safer sex and honesty, I just don't see the need to have all kinds of extra rules. If you love and respect each other and everything comes from that, then I think the little things that come up you can talk about as they happen.

I do think that when we started this thing there was a certain amount of trying to control the speed a bit, mostly because of the already fragile state of the relationship. I think I'm letting go of those expectations, though. I told hubs this weekend that i wanted them to let their relationship go where it's going to naturally. Whatever and wherever that is. And I truly feel that way. Sometimes it's hard for me because I'm still a little raw, still a little needy-- but those things I have to fix for myself.

I'm going next week to visit which is going to be so nice, I can't wait!! The only hard part is that after my visit I wont' see him again until he comes home at the end of August... so about 7-8 weeks. I guess I just need to look at that time as time to work on me and grow.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, coping, marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:04 PM.