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  #171  
Old 09-22-2011, 04:50 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I think basic needs like being loved for yourself, being respected, etc. are definitely more universal. But hubs and I are very much the example of "opposites attracting". Part of what works for us is that we complement each other's personality so much.

An example is that he's very extroverted, and I'm mostly introverted. But he can definitely bring out my extroverted side.

He also can be impulsive and unfocused, and I tend to think things through more and get things done. I think I have helped him to focus on things he wants and help him stay a bit grounded, while he has opened me up to sometimes just doing things without thinking them to DEATH.

One thing I am realizing is that like it or not, if I want to do things with him or get time, or whatever -- that I need to figure it out and plan it. Not that I don't like doing that SOMETIMES, but somewhere I had this ridiculous feeling that because he wasn't initiating things, that it meant he wasn't interested as much anymore. Which I know is not true. He's just more of a procrastinator, and not much of a planner-- that's my arena.

Once I realized i was being dumb in trying to "wait until he initiates something with me" I lost that ridiculous resentment that was building. We can do things, we can have that time, I just need to make it happen.
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  #172  
Old 09-23-2011, 07:29 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So I'm doing good today. I have been having some concerns and frustrations lately regarding time/energy/focus/scheduling amongst three people lately and last night it was definitely on my mind with the help of some PMS.

Anyway I ended up waking up at 4:15 this morning with things still circling in my head. I was heading towards an emotional spiral of bitterness, frustration, sadness and lots of other things, and so I tried to use some of the skills that Tara Brach talks about on her website.

I started by taking a good look at what I was feeling, defining and naming the emotions, feeling what it felt like in my body, and then finally just FEELING them. It took a while, but the emotional whirlwind slowed down and I started seeing the situation in a different light-- involving a lot more understanding and logic.

Anyway I ended up coming up with some ideas that I think might help all of us get a little bit more of what we really need, while sapping a lot less of our energies. I sent hubs an email this morning about it. I do much better in email form because:

1) I get WAY too wordy if I don't put it down in writing and then EDIT, and my main message ends up getting lost in a sea of unnecessary words. Hubs can't hear what Im' saying if I say too much. I have to be concise.

2) Hubs can read it when he is ready to do so, and can linger and think on it for a while before responding and/or talking about it with me. This gives him a chance to see what he thinks and reread if he's unsure of something BEFORE we have the discussion.

These things seem to work better for us.

I am concerned a little because I don't want him (or his GF) to think I want to run the show when it comes to how we all get along. I most certainly don't want to, I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to.

But the fact is (as my husband pointed out last night), I'm the one who reads about things-- time management, poly, etc. Nobody else does that, so they don't have access to getting the benefits from other people's experiences and having that to help guide future choices. Both he and the GF tend to shoot from the hip-- which is great in some aspects, but isn't so great when it comes to the organization needed to maintain this crazy life we lead.

And if I sit back and wait for someone else to try to get things to work smoothly-- well, let's just say that won't happen. Ever.

On another fun note, this weekend no kids in the house!! It'll be the last one for a while that we get to spend together with nobody else there, so I intend to enjoy it. Hopefully do some fun stuff, laze around a little, fool around a lot. I am SOOOOO looking forward to it.
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  #173  
Old 09-27-2011, 04:57 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Just wanted to check in. It's nice to post when things are positive

The weekend was really nice. Low-key for sure, and lots of relaxing. But also we got to get out and do some things together, and had time for a little chatting on all things important.

We ended up geocaching on Saturday (something we used to do a long long time ago after I read about it somewhere, LOL), which was nice. (Google it if you don't know what it is!) It got us (and the pup) out of the house and hiking all over our nearby lake for about 3 hours. Wow, do my calves hurt! I think hubs was impressed though because I kept up a lot more than I used to before he left (so last year decemberish). I'm in a lot better health, and also in better shape--yoga will do that to you! Anyway, the hills were kinda fun, though my lungs still don't love that! Found a few things, and took some pics, pupper got a great workout!

Watched some movies, and hung out. Also got some time to do our own things, hubs was working on the computer and playing a bit online and I read for a while (Reading the Game of Thrones series), and napped.

Did get to talk a bit about scheduling-- more importantly about focus. I don't need a lot of time, but what time I do have with him for us I do need him to be there fully. That's hard enough with his ADHD wired brain which goes all over the place anyway, LOL, and it's been impossible lately. So we're working on it. Baby steps anyway.

We also talked about how he needs some time for himself, to just wander off with the pupper and his camera or go riding on his bike or whatever. He needs some quiet time to recharge, so hopefully he'll start taking more of that.

There actually wasn't THAT much relationship talk, LOL, maybe 15 minutes, mostly we just hung out.

We had also talked a while back about doing something fun together like learning Italian-- we want to go to Italy sometime in the next couple of years-- and so he got the Rosetta Stone all together and on both of our computers so last night we hung in the bedroom, both working on the first section of italian. LOL... it's sort of doing someting together, but separate! Though we're trying to stay on the same section so we can practice a bit here and there. The hope is that as we improve we can start speaking it to each other and keep up the usage. Plus it's sexy.

I'm back to school today, so up at 5 (blyeah), and full day ahead. Won't be home until 9:30 or 10 after school lets out. I only have two more months, I can do this!! Well, then I have my practicum in march, but that'll be using my skills somewhere so not quite the same...

And I've also been listening to a lot of Tara Brach's audiotalks. I like to listen to at least one in the morning at work, it seems to help me get into a better, calmer, more open-hearted mindset for the day. Just sets my intention to be more aware and in the moment. Or at least attempt.
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  #174  
Old 09-28-2011, 04:59 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Game of Thrones is the best! And frustrating, because it's so unfinished!

That's it. Nothing more to add, you seem to have so much of your shit together .
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  #175  
Old 09-28-2011, 08:41 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Game of Thrones is the best! And frustrating, because it's so unfinished!

That's it. Nothing more to add, you seem to have so much of your shit together .
I love the book series so far, it goes on FOREVER!

And thank you, that's sweet. Smoke and mirrors! No, really I'm just finally accepting I don't have it all together and that's ok. Nobody else does either. The best I can do is start being more aware and more present and more loving and more compassionate. Things will work out as they will.

Grateful is good, too! I'm finding that focusing on the things I have helps TREMENDOUSLY. They might not be perfect, but they're pretty good!

Quote for the week: "We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

I'm starting with myself on that one.
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