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  #161  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:18 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Yes. Most of them.

He felt bad about the fact that he was learning from fucking up with me. He knew it sucked for me and felt bad that it took him that long to figure it out. It's nice to hear... but then it doesn't ever change anything in the present.

I don't know... I guess I just need to have more patience and let things mellow out (I hope!).

I think the basic problem is that he has focus issues (ADHD), and it's very hard for him to split his time between two people, both of whom need him quite a bit right now. He seems (in my perspective) to give the energy to the person who demands it the most-- and that person isn't me. Not that I don't take his time when I need it, but I also want to feel like he participates with me WITHOUT me having to ask him, otherwise I feel like I'm begging for a morsel of time and attention.

I also feel like he has a limited amount of energy for emotional issues (I've always seen that in him), and it's like it all gets expended on the GF dealing with issues and long distance, so there's nothing left for me. And if I do bring something up that needs to be dealt with it seems like it overwhelms him-- because he's been dealing with emotional stuff all day (but not from me).

I talked to him a bit today on text and said that I have been feeling second best lately, and apparently she has too. Which sucks for him because he's working his ass off to try to balance, and it's not working very well. I told him that time, energy and attention are limited resources. Personally from what little he's said I think she thinks I get a lot more time attention and focus than I do. When we (the GF and I) had spoken back in June, I told her that he texts, calls and speaks to her MUCH more than me, that he hardly texts me at all. She told me that she assumed he communicated with me the same amount as he did with her, and I explained that he had limited energy for that kind of thing, so because he was talking so much with her, he really didn't have that much energy left for me (he needs to recharge). I don't think she believes that, which is unfortunate, but what can I do?

And-- they had all of this time together with no kids, nothing else to do, no real responsibilities other than work. We (hubs and I) have a daughter living at home, my son that visits every other weekend, and lots of responsibilities, so even though we may be in the same house, we are mostly not even in the same room, and mostly not really interacting much-- at least not alone. It's not like we get to spend every night watching movies, cuddling and fucking our brains out. And I think she thinks that's what's going on and that's causing her to feel left out. Which is funny because she actually gets more one on one, focused time to talk about their relationship than I do with him. LOL. What a big ol mess of crappy assumptions and communication!!

I'm still not really sure how to deal with that. Or even if I can. Or should? Anyway, I did let him know how I was feeling, so that was good and needed to be done. Beyond that I need to give it time and have patience. This balancing act will take time. Getting our relationship out of Intensive Care will take time-- and effort. The hardest part for me right now is balancing what I tell him about how I'm feeling. He needs to know when I feel ignored, when I feel like we're not focusing on each other enough. But he also needs time to balance his other relationship. And time to just sit and BE without either of us demanding things from him.

Last edited by Minxxa; 09-20-2011 at 03:16 PM.
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  #162  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:31 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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It shouldn't be up to you to be telling the g/f how much time he is spending doing this or that - that's his issue. From what we have discusses in the past, I would say, just stay out of it, unless you there is a need (or request) to "run interference" for your husband. I've had to do this on occasion, the husband takes on more than is physically possible because he feels obligated or such (he really wants to help or be there and can't say no), so I give him an out.

I have literally had to schedule "me time" on his calendar every now and then. His idea of quality time together is to swing by and take care of some of his Boy Scout stuff, before and after dinner, so I have to be extremely specific. However, this is usually for projects around the house that need to be attended to. If I don't schedule it and leave it up to him, he will schedule 3 things on top of it, underestimating how much time each thing will take and what's important to me is always last and therefore doesn't get done at all or a less than half-assed attempt.

Part of it may just be training him to form new habits where you are concerned. Schedule daily time that is spent just with you (after the kid is in bed) or such. Maybe 1 hour with the kid and 1 with just you (sex would be extra time, but cuddles might count). No phones are answered, no texts, e-mails, etc. and the g/f will be required to respect this time as well.

I seriously sympathize with you, I feel like I'm being whiny and demanding when I want attention, but if I don't I get ignored. So I'm working on ways to request the attention without being whiny (aka: before I have an emotional tear filled break down because I'm feeling tossed aside). If he focuses his attention on the squeaky wheel, then for God's sake speak up. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
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  #163  
Old 09-20-2011, 04:43 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It shouldn't be up to you to be telling the g/f how much time he is spending doing this or that - that's his issue. From what we have discusses in the past, I would say, just stay out of it, unless you there is a need (or request) to "run interference" for your husband.
Oh, no, I do not feel it's my responsibility to communicate stuff to her, it's definitely his. And I think we're all in agreement on that one. And I think he does tell her, just like I did. I just don't think she believes it "internally". LOL. He does hate being the "middle man" though.

And I'm highly aware that my perspective on things is based on what I see, think I see, assumptions, etc. as is hers. So we are both most likely making incorrect assumptions about what's going on with the other person. I think this is why I feel communication issues are making things harder-- but I'm not sure what to do about it because we are all not in good places for open, honest communication. Yet. I have hopes for the future...

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Part of it may just be training him to form new habits where you are concerned. Schedule daily time that is spent just with you (after the kid is in bed) or such. Maybe 1 hour with the kid and 1 with just you (sex would be extra time, but cuddles might count). No phones are answered, no texts, e-mails, etc. and the g/f will be required to respect this time as well.
Yeah, I'm starting to see we need to do this more. Some daily time. My kid is almost 19 though, so there really is no "after kids go to bed" time. She's usually up until midnight or so. Yesterday we did get a little bit of time before she got home from work which was nice. A little foolin' around, a little talking about regular stuff. It was nice. I'm realizing that I need to make sure that happens more often, for sure.

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I seriously sympathize with you, I feel like I'm being whiny and demanding when I want attention, but if I don't I get ignored. So I'm working on ways to request the attention without being whiny (aka: before I have an emotional tear filled break down because I'm feeling tossed aside). If he focuses his attention on the squeaky wheel, then for God's sake speak up. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!
It's hard because it's SO not my personality to demand attention. When I need it I ask, but that only works about 50% of the time. Which in turn just pisses me off because why should I have to throw a tantrum or stomp my feet to get attention. We're grownups I should be able to just say what I need and at least get some of it, or a discussion, or a future time or SOMETHING. LOL

And yeah, I get you on the emotional tear filled breakdown. I get to that point and then I'm just a mess, and I feel ridiculous. I think maybe I need to discuss this particular issue by itself with hubs. That when I need attention or am feeling like he's not "there", how can I convey that to him in a way that won't feel accusatory or demanding to either of us. Because when I can't get the message across, and too much time goes by, it ends up being a mess and there's no need for that.

We are getting a little time this weekend because the daughter is going out of town and I don't have the boychild this weekend, yay! So hopefully some time to just hang out, do some fun stuff, and perhaps a little discussion here and there would be possible.

Last edited by Minxxa; 09-20-2011 at 04:54 PM.
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  #164  
Old 09-20-2011, 05:51 PM
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OMy kid is almost 19 though, so there really is no "after kids go to bed" time. She's usually up until midnight or so.
My 16yo would be too if he didn't have to be out the door at 6:40am everyday , but he will at least hibernate in his room. Oh, I miss the 8pm bedtimes.
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  #165  
Old 09-20-2011, 06:20 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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My 16yo would be too if he didn't have to be out the door at 6:40am everyday , but he will at least hibernate in his room. Oh, I miss the 8pm bedtimes.
LOL, yeah, no kidding!!

You know another thing that's beeng going through my head-- not really poly related at all, just life stuff-- is what the HELL does it mean to be happy?

I know that my whole life has been kind of chaotic, lots of moving, lots of starting over, lots of shaking up of things. And I never have really FELT happy. I've had some happy moments to be sure, and some great times and fun. But lately I'm seeing that my whole life I've been trying to find some happiness. By trying to be "perfect" (or as close as I could get), to learning more about stuff, to whatever-- it's all been in this wierd quest to be happy. Like "If I could just do x--- I'll be happy." And now that I think about it I don't even know what happy is. I am guessing it's not some big holy grail out in the distance that I'm striving for... but I think that's just exactly what I've been doing.

Maybe my life as it is is as good as it gets. Maybe I am asking too much of people, and myself especially. Maybe life is just... life. Sometimes messy, sometimes sad, sometimes exciting. Maybe this is just it.
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  #166  
Old 09-21-2011, 07:34 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Well the happiness discussion was enlightening for me.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14759

Basically what I want is contentment. I want to be content with my life as a whole. I think that with that contentment in place, I can weather the storms that come and go, the bad stuff, the difficult stuff a lot better.

Right now I need to see where I'm *not* content, and take a look at why. I have a sneaking suspicion that the majority of my discontent comes from within and I'm going to have to go in there and tweak a few things.

I do know that some of it also lies within my relationship with hubs. I have not gotten my needs met in a long, long time-- in fact, some of them I've never gotten met from him. And yes, it probably would have been smarter to NOT choose to be in a relationship with somebody who wasn't capable of meeting those needs, but we're there and I'm not ready to give up on it or him yet.

I do need to really figure out what those needs are-- in concrete and very defineable terms-- in order for me to be able to communicate that to him. If I can't figure out what I need, then how can I expect him to meet it?

I do know that one need is more time (quality time where we are paying attention to each other, not just existing in the same house in separate rooms involved in our own stuff!) I need to figure out how to do that, though, and then make it happen.

Not today, though. Today I'm going to yoga and then going to my good friend's house for a nice girl-bonding dinner.
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  #167  
Old 09-21-2011, 08:19 PM
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I do know that one need is more time (quality time where we are paying attention to each other, not just existing in the same house in separate rooms involved in our own stuff!) I need to figure out how to do that, though, and then make it happen.

Not today, though. Today I'm going to yoga and then going to my good friend's house for a nice girl-bonding dinner.
I struggle with this also because I also need time for "my stuff", which usually falls when he is home. Sometimes, I just have to say, "lets go for a drive" (he loves to do that anyway) and he has done the same, it helps. I did have to spell it out (including no texting, e-mailing , etc - even if he usually forgets that part) and both of us playing on the computer in the same room doesn't count, neither does sitting at opposite ends of the room watching tv.
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  #168  
Old 09-21-2011, 08:29 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I struggle with this also because I also need time for "my stuff", which usually falls when he is home. Sometimes, I just have to say, "lets go for a drive" (he loves to do that anyway) and he has done the same, it helps. I did have to spell it out (including no texting, e-mailing , etc - even if he usually forgets that part) and both of us playing on the computer in the same room doesn't count, neither does sitting at opposite ends of the room watching tv.
I like the driving idea I might just have to add that one in!

He is good about not texting when we are doing stuff together. I do appreciate that a lot.

And yeah... me watching TV with the girl and him playing on the computer doesn't count.

I WOULD count snuggling on the couch watching a movie, though.
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  #169  
Old 09-21-2011, 08:41 PM
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I WOULD count snuggling on the couch watching a movie, though.
Definitely!
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  #170  
Old 09-21-2011, 08:45 PM
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I do need to really figure out what those needs are-- in concrete and very defineable terms-- in order for me to be able to communicate that to him. If I can't figure out what I need, then how can I expect him to meet it?
More often than not, I suspect, most of us (if not all) share a common set of basic "needs" in relationships. Rarely can any one person provide all of these needs, I suspect (though I suppose it can happen, sometimes).

My middle name is River. But my other middle name is Enthusiasm. I really enjoy being enthusiastic, excited, bubbly.... Well, this is a stark contrast with Kevin, my guy sweetie. He likes my enthusiasm, somewhat. But he rarely expresses a level of enthusiasm similar to my own--when I am enthusiastic. So when my gal sweetie (Faraway Sweetie) expresses enthusiasm on a similar level as my own, I get very -- you guessed it! -- enthusiastic about that! Example: We both really, really want to go horseback riding together. And we want to go to the Grand Canyon after camping at Chaco Canyon (See River's blog). Well, when she expresses excitement and joy about these plans ... I get doubly excited and joyful, which apparently amplifies her own exitement. Gawd help us!

Kevin is stable, steady, solid.... And I like that. I do. And he's a joy to be with and to share experiences with. He's just different from how Faraway Sweetie and I are when it comes to expressing feeling and excitement. I'm glad I can have both of them very close.


Anyway, among our needs in broad terms are...

Reflection -- We need to have certain qualities we have be reflected in a way that affirms these and allows them to amplify in a loving atmosphere.
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Last edited by River; 09-21-2011 at 08:48 PM.
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