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  #151  
Old 08-21-2011, 07:02 PM
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Quote:
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Love the fireworks bursting out of their crotches at the end!
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  #152  
Old 08-22-2011, 02:31 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Ahhhhh.... much better!

And I love that song, LOL...

We had a great three days away (in town)... but got super burnt at the pool on Saturday, LOL. Still... nice and relaxing and fun. Now back to the real world.... booo!

Not so bad for me, but he's got a lot of adjusting to do. Different job, different daily patterns... it's gonna be interesting. When he was gone he lived close to work, so he walked every day. Got his coffee and walked to work and woke up. He also had a place to himself. Now back to the family crowdedness. Should be interesting...

Only a little under two weeks until our vacay, so that will be nice. Then the real shocker of being back will start!

Last edited by Minxxa; 08-22-2011 at 02:34 PM.
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  #153  
Old 08-23-2011, 05:32 AM
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That is going to be a crazy adjustment.

Glad you guys got some time away before everything changes for him.
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  #154  
Old 08-23-2011, 10:42 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Good luck with everything, Minxxa.

I'm glad people like the video. The refrain often goes through my mind after a good session with miss pixi!
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I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #155  
Old 08-23-2011, 01:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
Only a little under two weeks until our vacay, so that will be nice. Then the real shocker of being back will start!
So happy for you! And keep us posted.
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  #156  
Old 08-23-2011, 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'm glad people like the video. The refrain often goes through my mind after a good session with miss pixi!
I've been singing it for the last two days now. Wonder what my next door neighbor thinks (she's just on the other side of our thin apartment wall).
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  #157  
Old 08-23-2011, 09:52 PM
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Hehe, I was humming it earlier and my son asked what I was humming. So I told him. (He's 20, it's ok. And it's not even true, b/c miss pixi is away!)
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #158  
Old 08-25-2011, 04:12 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So things have been going well. It's really nice to have hubs home. This week has been a busy beeyatch of a week, though. Once the weekend hits things will calm WAY down, so very much looking forward to that!

I've been a bit under the weather this week as well. :-( Probably from the busyness of the past month as well as not as much sleep and a bit too much partying this past weekend.

But, I should be all good by next week, just in time for vacay, so that's all that matters!!

I think I'm going to be on the board a little less for a while. Not because hubs is home, but for a lot of other reasons. When I signed up, it was to do some work on myself, to expand my ideas of what was possible by reading other people's stories, and to get some perspective. I'd been nonmonogamous for quite a while, but it had been in limited bursts and no real experience with long term arrangements. I needed to get myself back into the mindset and figure out a few things.

I've found a lot of people on here that I identify with, and quite a few whom I don't! One thing, though, is that although there are some people I disagree with on a regular basis, it does cause me to think hard about what I feel, what I believe and what I need for MYSELF, so that's been a great thing.

Hubs and I have a lot of figuring out to do about us as a couple. There are some really deep issues that need to be handled-- or at least explored and talked about-- so that we know what's going on with each other. And communication needs to be strengthened, so that we CAN talk about these things without all of the reactionary bullshit that can happen. In my heart I truly feel that this stuff needs to be focused on before we bring any more people into the midst (more than are already there anyway!). I'm hoping hubs sees it that way as well, we will see.

So for now, I'm not actively seeking another partner-- for now. I will remain open to the people around me, and am not closing off that option, though. I had a little interesting moment last week when I realized I had a little crush on one of the guys in my class at school. This is the first class I've had with him and I won't have any others since the rest of the group is on a different track that I just hopped into for this one class. Nothing will likely come of it as we only have one more class before we're done. But it was nice to feel that feeling again. That attraction for somebody, when you learn things about them and realize you like what you see. I don't feel that often--which sometimes sucks, but that's just me. But I see that the possibility is there, in some way, and it works much better when it happens organically and isn't forced.

And I am thinking that for a while it might be good for me to not be hanging out here all of the time. While the information I've gained has been awesome, and I've met some cool people, I need to focus on my own relationship and where it is.

I'm sure I'll still stop by and check, but for now I need to get away from the computer and jump back into real life.
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  #159  
Old 09-20-2011, 01:33 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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So things have been going well, yet interesting.

Our vacay was lovely... basically just lots of lounging and relaxing, something that's really HARD for me to do as I have a base level of anxiety that is usually soothed by doing something. Coming back was hard and depressing.

I've come to some realizations this past week about myself. Some just from talking with hubs, and then I just got the audio version of Radical Acceptance and have been listening to that. It really hit home-- to the point where the first five minutes of listening in the car on Sunday I was crying my eyes out.

Basically what it comes down to is I have little to no self-esteem. I have always felt like I wasn't good enough (in every way) for people to like me or stick around, or (eventually) to love me, so I have spent my whole life "working" on me to make myself a better person. One who could be loved.

I've intellectualized my feelings trying to be able to not get "too" emotional, since that was something that was consistently pointed out to me as being BAD. I actually have report cards when I was 7 or 8 saying how I was too emotional and react badly when things "don't go my way"-- i.e. when the other little girls were being cruel and mean I cried and that was bad.

I know a lot of this comes from having a somewhat unstable childhood (and I HATE blaming childhood for shit, I really do). My mom was great and loved me and was a good mom... but we moved around a LOT. I went to about 9 schools between kindergarden and high school, and the house I live in how is the 40th house I've lived in -- in 43 years. So stability has never been my life. And maybe in some way I've been looking for stable, but then choosing people that can't, and will never provide that.

Anyway, somehow in all of the years of me working on myself to become more self-aware (ha, ha) I seem to have missed the part where I'm a complete and utter mess.

In Radical Acceptance she talks about how we create these stories for ourselves to explain away things or to cover up what we're really feeling. And that's pretty much what I've been doing all of my life.

So... right now I'm taking a little break from "working on myself", and am just trying to learn how to be. I'm accepting that I don't know as much as I thought I did and that I'm a mess and that's the way it is for now. I'm TIRED.

Hubs and the GF are still together, and working on things too. I'm happy for him, and glad-- but it's very hard for me because it hits me right in the center of my sense of unworthiness and unlovableness. And it doesn't help that hubs and I are still trying to find a balance where we show each other we care-- and don't just sit in separate rooms of the house doing our own thing all of the time. That, too, hits me right at the heart of my fears.

Hubs and I had a talk the other day and he admitted that he was working extra hard to make sure that he gave her the time she needed and attention and scheduled skypes, etc-- because he learned his lesson from fucking up with me. And while I love that he is learning from his mistakes, it just fucking sucks that all his mistakes get made with ME, and then someone else gets to benefit from the lesson. Yea, great. Glad I could help you make sure not to let HER feel like a piece of worthless, unwanted shit that was too much trouble for a couple of phone calls.

So it's hard. I still feel like I'm in second place. I'm not even sure HOW to help us connect better. I thought today that I have been striving all of my life to be "happy"... and when I think about it, I don't even know what the fuck that means. What is happy? What do I NEED? I have no freaking clue.

Last edited by Minxxa; 09-20-2011 at 01:35 PM.
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  #160  
Old 09-20-2011, 02:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Hugs sweety!!!

Have you told your husband these things?
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