Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #131  
Old 08-04-2011, 03:30 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

I started rereading some of my ADHD books this week.

I know that being a psychology counseling student there is a danger of "diagnosing" people-- and noticing traits and things that I wouldn't have before. I'm trying to balance noticing these things with not sticking people into a "category" based on a diagnosis.

However... I do think that knowing these things can sometimes be helpful. For example, I have anxiety. All of my life I've been a "worrier"... but really it's just been anxiety-- I just never had that name for it until now and I really truly wish I had! It helps me so much to understand it better, find ways of coping with it and accepting that it's a part of me that sometimes makes things harder, but I have to deal with and not pretend it doesn't exist or feel like I should just stop being that way.

It also helps me, because knowing certain things trigger anxiety I can avoid at least some of this by avoiding those things/situations or approaching them differently. I can't always avoid it, but I can mitigate it better and I can avoid some of it completely. This, to me, is a useful tool.

Hubs, has ADHD. It's part of his charm. Truthfully a lot of the things I love about him are traits associated with ADHD... as well as some of the traits that drive me crazy. I would never want to put him in a box-- you have ADHD, you are like THIS. Each person is different. But there are underlying traits that are common, and I see these traits in him. To me, knowing those traits are part of how his brain works because of ADHD helps me accept them.

Things like zoning out in the middle of a conversation, or sentence and not really hearing me. Not remembering things I've said. Not taking anything that is perceived as criticism without getting defensive and angry. And then there's the hyperfocus. In the beginning of a relationship he's hyperfocused on you... it's like NRE x 10,000. It's a bit intoxicating. But of course, NRE in general wears off, and the hyperfocus always wears off too... sometimes rather suddenly and it can be shocking.

Now I adjusted to the loss of the hyperfocus years ago... and we've replaced it with smaller doses of focus and I'm all good with that! And I just realized that part of our issues with his new relationship was that he's had this hyperfocus with her. And when he's like that-- nothing else gets in. And reason, logic and good judgment fly out the window completely.

He was like that with me, too... so this is not a surprise, although it was 10 years ago, so I forgot! LOL. And I think it's been REALLY hard for him to maintain our relationship while he's in this hyperfocus place. Harder than normal NRE, I think. If we were all in the same town, I think it would have been a million times worse because I'd have been getting ignored in person.

Knowing this actually makes things a little easier for me. Because I know this is part of who he is... I know it will pass and things will calm down, as they always do.
Reply With Quote
  #132  
Old 08-04-2011, 04:24 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,503
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
He's got ADHD, so there's a whole set of behaviors that come with that, that are a part of who he is, especially within relationships. Being impulsive, jumping full force into situations without considering consequences and being completely focused on one thing and not seeing, hearing, paying attention to anything else
Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
I would never want to put him in a box
Quote:
Things like zoning out in the middle of a conversation, or sentence and not really hearing me. Not remembering things I've said. Not taking anything that is perceived as criticism without getting defensive and angry.
LOL! You have just described my entire family

We all have ADD in some form and some more intense than others. My mom is probably the only "normal" one and my MIL is definitely ADHD. My kids were diagnosed ADHD, but I see the "H" wearing off as they get older, so I think that was misdiagnosed and an easy excuse for teachers to get kids medicated (that's a whole different rant). I have recently met some people with true ADHD, which I'm sure is more HDAD (superball in a box)

I have noticed, especially with my husband, is that he isn't happy unless he has 5 things going at one time. He actually starts to get anxious and even more forgetful if he has too much free time.

When you figure out how to handle the "criticism" thing, let me know?
Reply With Quote
  #133  
Old 08-04-2011, 04:41 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
LOL! You have just described my entire family

We all have ADD in some form and some more intense than others. My mom is probably the only "normal" one and my MIL is definitely ADHD. My kids were diagnosed ADHD, but I see the "H" wearing off as they get older, so I think that was misdiagnosed and an easy excuse for teachers to get kids medicated (that's a whole different rant). I have recently met some people with true ADHD, which I'm sure is more HDAD (superball in a box)

I have noticed, especially with my husband, is that he isn't happy unless he has 5 things going at one time. He actually starts to get anxious and even more forgetful if he has too much free time.

When you figure out how to handle the "criticism" thing, let me know?

You know I think it's not that uncommon! I do think it's gets overdiagnosed a lot, though, especially in kids. His daughter has it as well, and is currently taking meds, but we're going to have her reevaluated when she moves down here. And that should be REALLY interesting because he tends to get frustrated by some of her behaviors (that are strikingly familiar to me )

And my hubs is the same way about too much free time! It's like the more time he has the less he can do... he's had a month or two off from work before, and stopped working out, stopped walking the dog as much, etc. I never got it before! LOL... I totally do now, though.

My feeling about the criticism issue is that hubs needs to work on figuring himself out first before we can work on how to communicate more effectively and listen without getting defensive. He's planning on going to counseling when he gets back and I think that will be really helpful for him (it has been for me). I honestly feel that until he does that -- FOR HIMSELF -- we can't make much progress on other things.

Accepting that has been freeing for me. Not that I've given up on us improving, not at all. But accepting where we are and knowing it's not all up to me.

Also... knowing that this is how he is, I can express things differently to him. Like figuring out what I REALLY need to tell him and doing it in as short, succinct manner as I possibly can. Preferably one sentence. LOL.
Reply With Quote
  #134  
Old 08-04-2011, 05:31 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,503
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
he tends to get frustrated by some of her behaviors (that are strikingly familiar to me )
My oldest son and I are alot a like, and tends to get emotional (especially between 11-14 ), which my husband doesn't get at all. I on the other hand recognized what was going on right away and was able to help.

Quote:
Also... knowing that this is how he is, I can express things differently to him. Like figuring out what I REALLY need to tell him and doing it in as short, succinct manner as I possibly can. Preferably one sentence. LOL.
Have him repeat it back to you in his own words. ADHD/ADD people have a very bad habit of making up (mixing up) definitions to common words. So you only thought you were expressing your self clearly, the problem was you weren't working off the same dictionary .
Reply With Quote
  #135  
Old 08-04-2011, 06:57 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Have him repeat it back to you in his own words. ADHD/ADD people have a very bad habit of making up (mixing up) definitions to common words. So you only thought you were expressing your self clearly, the problem was you weren't working off the same dictionary .
LOL... that is the TRUTH. The other fun one is when he says something that makes no sense because whatever information should have come first he didn't tell me, he only thought he did. Or he had that part of the conversation in his head.

He's aware of all of that... I just really think that's where we need the third party... to give us the tools and help us practice using them with supervision!

We need a chaperone!
Reply With Quote
  #136  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:15 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,503
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
LOL... that is the TRUTH. The other fun one is when he says something that makes no sense because whatever information should have come first he didn't tell me, he only thought he did. Or he had that part of the conversation in his head.
ROFLMAO!

It's like a record that skips (opps, showing my age - a DVD with laser burn). "Remember you have to use your out-loud voice, the telepaths were all re-called back to their space ship".
Reply With Quote
  #137  
Old 08-04-2011, 07:42 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

LMAO I like that one. I'm good at asking for clarification, for sure.

Interestingly... since I've been kind of going back to basics here for myself in looking at the people we are and how we function and what we give each other, I reminded myself of a lot of stuff I had come to conclusions about at the beginning of the year that I totally and completely forgot about in the mixed up whirl of emotional dealing that came with his new relationship. I got so overwhelmed with trying to handle things that I forgot some very basic truths about how he and I function in life. And now, looking at the big picture-- hindsight being 20/20 and all that-- I'm seeing that most of the issues that have happened with us lately have little to do with poly and a lot to do with how we relate as people.

I told hubs on Monday (in our horrible conversation) that I felt like we had been making some real progress on US in the six or so weeks we had, but all of that came to a screeching halt when he started dating her. And that IS true to an extent because once that relationship started he focused completely on that, and fell back into old behaviors which triggered my old non-healthy response behaviors and we fell into this same old crappy way of relating that we had before.

So now I'm refamiliarizing myself with those revelations I had, which in turn makes it much easier to deal with what's going on now because I can see it in perspective. And when I add to that the fact that I really do see now the importance of just taking things as they come, not putting so much energy into his other relationship (or any really), and learning to be a complete person all on my own-- I feel so much better about the whole situation.

Like I said before, I do hope we can work things out so that we can function more healthfully together. But if not, I can face that now and I know I will be fine.
Reply With Quote
  #138  
Old 08-05-2011, 09:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

Man am I glad it's Friday!

A lot of good stuff planned for this weekend... starting with hot yoga right after work!

It's been a hard week, but productive. I feel much more grounded now, much more in touch with things and much more optimistic-- in a let's take everything as it comes without expectations kinda way. I have a little project for myself this weekend, which I think will help TONS in looking at things realistically and optimistically.

I also have a lunch date on Sunday, with a guy from OKC. No big expectations about that, but he seems like he'd be interesting conversation.

It's always interesting to me how it can seem like things are ending, or horrible, or hopeless... and then you get through it and the other side is nice, or peaceful, or better... reminds me of my favorite quote in the world:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."
Reply With Quote
  #139  
Old 08-08-2011, 08:21 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So I had a good weekend. Spent Saturday with my daughter, went to a friend's house for a while, then did some shopping and such.

Sunday I met with a guy from OKC. It was a nice lunch, good conversation. He's already poly, and bi, so no explaining all of that which was nice. Not sure about the chemistry yet, but willing to give it a chance to see...

Skype date with hubs tonight, and then BUSY week this week. Ick. Not bad stuff, but I hate being super busy... blyeah! I need me a vacation!

Next weekend should be nice, too... lots of plans and such. It's the last weekend (hopefully) before hubs comes home. Still waiting to see if he can get back by Friday night or Saturday so we can actually spend some time... if not we'll manage no doubt.
Reply With Quote
  #140  
Old 08-10-2011, 08:41 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 497
Default

So had a nice Skype date with hubs on Monday. Very mellow and we got to enjoy each other which was nice!

Making plans for when he gets home, though it's still up in the air. And I have a ton of crap I have to get done between now and then, as usual! LOL

I've been thinking a lot about people... and choices. One thing I've changed a lot since I was younger is that I really do accept people for who they are a lot sooner, but I also am very particular of who I keep involved in my life these days. I used to feel bad about cutting anyone out of my life-- guilty, like I was being mean or heartless. But one thing I've learned in my years on this earth is that you have to have boundaries of what you will accept, and what you do not want to be involved in, and stick to them.

If somebody is going to exhibit behaviors that are on my list of "crap which I do not tolerate", then they're going to get the boot. Sorry if they don't like that... they have the choice to not to behave that way, and I have the choice to not put up with it. I spent a lot of years with people expecting me to put up with every bit of stuff and nonsense they felt like throwing at me, and I was supposed to sit there and take it. I particularly enjoyed it when they went off on me because I had the audacity to say anything about it. Pfffft.

There actually a very few things on that list... but I am firm on them. Number one is honesty. If someone proves to be a liar (more than little white ones), I can't have them in my life because I will not trust anything they say, and how can you be friends or in any kind of relationship with somebody you don't trust?

I've removed more than one person from my life because they showed me that they would say one thing, when they really meant another thing-- trying to get a certain "reaction". And if they didn't get the right reaction there was drama and tears. Yeah... no thank you. I'm not psychic and if you can't put on your big girl panties and say what you mean, then you know where the door is.

And obviously anyone who is abusive or violent is out, if not just for me, then for my children who don't need that kind of influence around them.

I feel like I've gone through a lot in my life to develop these boundaries, and nobody is going to make me feel bad for that. I don't think people do that intentionally-- but it happens anyway. Or maybe it's just that they don't understand them... I forget sometimes that many people can't understand something if it doesn't happen to them. Empathy is not universal...

Anyway... it's been something good to ponder as I feel more than ever that my choices go along with my values and ethics. And I'm never going to feel guilty or apologetic for that again.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, coping, marriage

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:08 AM.