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  #1  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:13 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Default Silence, Music, Mystery and Love. A user's guide to becoming awesome.

My grandfather, the most influential man in my youth, was a quiet person. I remember him sitting in his chair, watching TV, smiling. I remember him working in the garden, riding his tractor, driving the entire family to church in his beat up old Suburban... all Silently smiling. I don't remember a single word of wisdom uttered. But the Power if his Silence had an indelible effect on me. He always seemed content.

I bring this up here, in my brand spankin' new blog, to remind myself where I came from. When I see myself shut down when faced with fear and uncertainty, I assume that same Silence, only stripped of the Power. As a man who spent his first decade without a father, I have had to learn much on my own. My childhood went something like this... My mother, my older brother and myself were a poorly oiled machine, solely focused on survival. And survive we did. Like prisoners of war, we held on until the fighting stopped and peace was declared. When I was 12, she married a stand up guy who I now call Dad. From then on, I was raised to be a sensitive, intelligent, caring man. But the damage had already been done. I had unwittingly relegated myself to a perfectly normal life of silent survival.

Then I met Rarechild. And my life changed.

Then RC met Charlie. And my life has changed again.

Charlie is more than a great guy. He's a force of nature. Just like RC. Just like me. He has a great big whole heart. He is obviously a man who was taught by a skilled hand to do much more than simply survive. Next to him, I feel broken.

This situation, this immense tangle of love, is a heavy load. And while my relationship with RC is easily strong enough to bear that weight, my relationship with myself has proved to be less so. The jealousy that I have always felt nearly immune to has made the cracks in my foundation split wide and crumble. And I have been standing here, silently staring at this failing structure, saying "I'm broken. That's so sad. And
now my sadness is affecting the people I love. I'm pushing them away. That's even sadder."

That, my friends, is the fastest way possible to remove yourself from whatever moment you are in.

I could have lived my entire life without ever needing to fill those cracks with fresh mortar, seal it all up and protect it from the harsh weather; choosing instead to live in the house of someone stronger. And that life would have been just fine. I would have lived and loved and carried on... just fine. But this life is much richer. Much more painful and fulfilling. Much more suited to a force of nature.

The revelation here, my fine cohorts, is one of beginning to understand the work one must do to be whole. One must fall apart, repeatedly, and have the strength and support to rebuild, repeatedly.

I have that.

And there is much work to do.

Thanks for reading.
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  #2  
Old 01-15-2011, 04:21 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Thanks for sharing brother I get the falling apart thing. I fought off falling apart for so many years that when it finally happened it wiped away almost everything from my life. I needed help rebuilding but I got there. Now I like to pace my "falling apart" moments to avoid such a great earthquake ever again. It's like a series of small earthquakes as opposed to the "big one".

Thanks again
Take care
Mono
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  #3  
Old 01-16-2011, 01:33 AM
Charlie Charlie is offline
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Default Ladies and Gentlemen,

This man deserves your attention.

He is the real deal.

That is all.

Thank you.

Charlie
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  #4  
Old 01-16-2011, 11:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I was just telling Maca that you both impress me,
all three really-but I was specifically talking about you and Charlie.

My grandfather was one of those types, quiet, happy and no one knew why he was happy, but it was because he knew in himself that he did his best.
I know that because just before he died, he told me so. He did his best, and sometimes it wasn't good enough to accomplish whatever needed done, but it was ok, because it was his best effort.

He didn't have to live a life regretting each and every failure (which there were plenty), because he knew he gave life his all.

It sounds to me like you three have a great thing going, specifically the fact that you are all promoting one another becoming the best version of yourselves. That's AWESOME!

So much more envigorating to read about than great sex, is great love.
*to me*
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  #5  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:53 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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Default You are amazing

My love, I know your growing is painful because I am right here with you no matter what. While it is endearing that you are not aware of how powerful you are, I reject this idea of you not being whole.

I have made my home with you. I have learned love from you. I have become myself again looking into your eyes. I would not build the foundation of my life with you if I did not trust you utterly. You deserve trust, you who trusts in his trusting, loves without effort and without expectation of praise.

You, me and Charlie are all rocked. It's okay, love. You're not alone nor will you ever be. I would like to respond to your perspective with some important realities that you are leaving out. I am your moral compass, after all, please hear me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
As a man who spent his first decade without a father, I have had to learn much on my own. My childhood went something like this... My mother, my older brother and myself were a poorly oiled machine, solely focused on survival. And survive we did. Like prisoners of war, we held on until the fighting stopped and peace was declared. When I was 12, she married a stand up guy who I now call Dad. From then on, I was raised to be a sensitive, intelligent, caring man.
Yes, survive you did, but much more. As I told you and as Charlie and I have discussed, the fact that you were abandoned by your father, and yet made yourself, on your own steam as a child, into a man; I admire you for that. I cannot imagine what it feels like to be left out in the cold like that. My love, come in and get warm, because you have a family gathered around you close that will never stand for anyone putting you down, locking you out, holding you back-not even you and you can count on that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
But the damage had already been done. I had unwittingly relegated myself to a perfectly normal life of silent survival.
You neglect to mention that your "perfectly normal life of silent survival" included writing amazing poetry and slamming your way to the national stage-how many times? Everyone gaga over your shining hair flipping in the spotlight as you made them laugh and cry, and encouraged countless other writers to find their voices and rip a hole in the sky with you. And then there's your music, your songs, your self-mastery of instruments and another conduit to let it fly out into the Universe. The friend, the son, the lover you have been, this and more was all you before I ever stopped in the dark on my way off the stage to exchange compliments shyly with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
I could have lived my entire life without ever needing to fill those cracks with fresh mortar, seal it all up and protect it from the harsh weather; choosing instead to live in the house of someone stronger. And that life would have been just fine. I would have lived and loved and carried on... just fine.
I call bullshit. I don't believe it. I know you too well. I think your metaphor is beautiful, but you have only been shown this perspective as a contrast to what is meant for us so you can be more fully grateful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catfish View Post
The revelation here, my fine cohorts, is one of beginning to understand the work one must do to be whole. One must fall apart, repeatedly, and have the strength and support to rebuild, repeatedly.
"God continues to break the heart until it remains open."-Rumi

We can be MORE whole in our brokenness. We don't need the road that brought us here anymore. We need the road that leads us on.

Let Fly, and tear up the runway.

-R
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  #6  
Old 01-17-2011, 11:57 PM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Mono,
It's strange to feel so familiar with someone I've never met. And I'm starting to think we are all one earthquake away from enlightenment.

LR,
Thank you. In your honor I shall love as I wilt.
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  #7  
Old 01-18-2011, 12:03 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Wow, that gave me goosebumps.
Thank YOU (and please do)!

One day I'll let Maca put a photo of my tattoo on here (says that on it).
Haven't gotten the nerve up yet....
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  #8  
Old 01-18-2011, 12:07 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Default Charlie

You are one crazy motherfucker. And I love you for it.

I trust you, my friend. And I count myself as lucky as Lucky to have you in my life. Our conversation today was one more brick laid squarely. And I don't say that because I learned some great insight from you or finally got to get something off my chest. I say it because I treasure the ability to speak freely with you. That, in and of itself, is a tool we could not do without.
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  #9  
Old 01-18-2011, 12:23 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Default Rarechild

The words "Thank you" are a mere conversational expression of gratitude. They fall flat over time. They fail to convey the appreciation I have of you.

When we first started falling in love, just after we first spoke the words to one another, I told you in a poem that when I say "Thank you", I really mean "I love you." I still do that.

I will spend the rest of my days in a valiant struggle to bridge the gap between the words "Thank you, my love" and the gratitude I feel.
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  #10  
Old 01-18-2011, 09:42 PM
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River River is offline
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All of the most amazing good folks I've known have suffered some terrible loss or trauma or another in their lives which half or nearly killed them in some way. Those losses and wounds will always be with us in some way, but it's possible to reclaim our full flowering, actual and potential, always. Even innocence is there to be claimed. And there's an art to revealing this potential when hidden by clouds, shadowed by darkness, fear and pain. This art is true friendship and love. It's shining here brilliantly.
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