Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 01-02-2010, 03:47 PM
constlady constlady is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 63
Default

As I'm sure many others have, I gave my ideal relationship structure a great deal of thought back in the days when I was theoretically polyamorous but not actively engaged in multiple partner relationships.

Then reality and experience showed up and, as they are wont to do, blew my theories out of the water

The evolution of my ideal has found it shifting from specifics about form to more generalities about content.

10 years ago when I began this journey, I wouldn't have imagined calling someone with whom I share a deep and intimate love bond but not a physical relationship one of my closest partners.
I do now.

5 years ago, after that experience thing had come into play a few times, I was reluctant to consider joining my heart with a partner who already had another partner. Having lived through some of the pitfalls that can be associated with that sort of structure, I was loathe to gamble with my love again.
Turns out it was the best risk I ever took.

At this stage of my life, the only real ideal that I still cling to from those early days is one in which everyone with whom I share love in any form is comfortable, content and secure enough in our relationships to be able to be happily together in the same space, at the same time.

And I'm pretty much living that right now, so is it technically still an ideal?
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 01-02-2010, 03:57 PM
Tahirabs Tahirabs is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Topeka, ks
Posts: 59
Default what I've got...sort of

My ideal would be to have my G/f K come back from Finland and her, my husband, and I to all three start talking about having children... lots of them!!
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 01-02-2010, 04:06 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

I hope you don't mind, but I will repost what I wrote in the original thread, and change it up a little:

I am a person that learns by doing. After doing all the reading I had a nice ideal about what I wanted, and thought that I knew all about what I needed out of poly (that would have been 15 years ago). Experience has taught me a lot, including that I had much more to learn about what was important to me in life, and I haven't stopped learning and I continue to refine what my "ideal" is, or even if there is one ideal for me.

My "perfect" poly is having a long-term committed romantic loving relationship with one or more people who can respect each other for who they are with no attempts to manipulate or change the others - I think that from a purely practical standpoint my limit is two (based on current and previous experiences) - my idea of being in a committed relationship means devoting time to each, and I think more than two and I wouldn't find I could devote the necessary time to each. Living arrangements are negotiable as is whether the two of them have anything beyond a functioning friendship. If they choose to bring others into the relationship then that is totally cool by me too, and I don't mind what sex their partners are.

I don't know that I focus quite so much on "perfect", though - I have some needs which a relationship configuration needs to fill, and some wants over and above that. As long as the needs are met (and everyone else's who is involved) then I think I am quite flexible.

I feel blessed to have a wonderful relationship like this for over a year and a half now. I have had others that have been learning opportunities and good in themselves but this one is by far the best.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 01-02-2010, 04:18 PM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208
Default

a link to a similar topic from before:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=923




ETA by YGirl: This thread and that thread are now one with each other. Thanks Al!
__________________
me n the band, singin our song

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-02-2010 at 04:32 PM. Reason: self explanatory
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 01-02-2010, 04:29 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Greenearthal, thanks for posting that link - I took a look and want to respond to something:

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
I dislike (and am often confused by) the categorization of relationships. So many of the categorizations seem arbitrary and/or imprecise and I would just as soon live without them and just see relationships as a spectrum and let them find their own level and mutually agreed upon rules.
Yes! This! I have never understood the concept of "well, you're just friends so you shouldn't be doing x, y and z", or "well, if we've had sex together this must mean that we are..." or whatever.

I strongly believe that relationships are what they are, and don't like putting boxes around them. Terms like "friend", "lover", "partner" are descriptive, rather that prescriptive, and should in no way limit what that relationship is, or should be.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 01-02-2010, 04:36 PM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208
Default

At the risk or reiterating in redundancy... I agree.
__________________
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 01-02-2010, 08:52 PM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 37
Default That's easy.

My, and our, perfect relationship is to have each other (as we wouldn't give one another up for anything) and to have another mate as well. A girl to join our family. One that loves, can be loved, loves being loved!
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 01-02-2010, 11:15 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by JonnyAce View Post
come on! you like being in trouble
That's a good thing because I find myself stepping on my dick a lot!! (I actually cannot "step on my dick"....If I could I'd probably be in porn and not the military
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 01-03-2010, 08:12 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Michigan, United States
Posts: 111
Default

first, let me say I just love the way Legion put it, sounds very wonderful, happy and full of love to me

only thing I'd like to add would be in my "perfect" idea all my loves would live closer, within the same state would be lovely, I do like the idea of sharing the same space like a commune, but i have to admit i abhore the idea of sharing the raising of my kids with others, but my little ones arent so little, so that would be alot to ask anyone to step into anyways, not to mention they are special needs children, i think i'd prefer if all kids involved were looked after by all, but essentially reared by their own parents and befriended or aunted and uncled by the other adults, and both my primary and i are not interested in birthing anymore kids ourselves, but i would be completely supportive of one we loved finding another to make a baby with or bring in with the intent to have babies

i just really want everyone to be happy and have what they need and or want, wether it is several others or just one or no others, however they find their full happiness
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 01-06-2010, 06:33 AM
polynerdist polynerdist is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 13
Default

Many people have commented on their ideal structure(s); in my case I'll put my thoughts more towards the interpersonal dynamics between the people in the relationship(s).

Amongst other things, some aspects that I think would be present in my ideal intimate relationships are:

- positive energy is given without expectation of reciprocation. People give love, time, attention, help, support, and share resources

- there is a desire to understand and know one another, not as we want them to be, but as they truly are

- there is "microscopic honesty" (from "Conscious Loving": honesty beyond disclosure of facts that includes the expression of one's feelings, thoughts, emotions, as an unfiltered stream of consciousness). There is a lack of concealment of one's self

- there is use of a structured process for resolving conflict

- there is a lack of controlling behaviours; wanting each other to have the freedom to be themselves is inherent

- the individuals take 100% responsibility for their own life and for the quality of the relationship(s). They take the perspective that it is not their partners' job to make them happy. Blame and complaining are minimal

- there is straightforward, unambiguous, and effective communication; people express clearly their needs, make specific requests, and avoid hidden "read between the lines" communication

- there is a large degree of flexibility within the relationship to change and adapt based on external forces (the world) and internal forces (from within the relationship). Tendency towards change and evolution rather than stagnation

- there is a continual and conscious process of nurturing the relationship

- there is a high degree of empathy towards one another; everyone exerts a lot of effort to try to understand one another’s ideas, perspectives, and how they see the world

- there is balance between the individuals along different lines, including balancing time together vs. space apart, the balance of sharing of work, etc.

- that everyone shares key fundamental values, and ideas about life, relationships, and the world

- there is sharing of mutual goals, vision, and plans, and everyone works together to realize them

- the individuals are committed to and recognize the need to have fun in the relationship

- the individuals are committed to removing barriers that prevent their ability to be highly emotionally intimate and close

- the individuals are fiercely both independent and interdependent. They live both separate lives and lives intertwined. They recognize the needs of the individual, and attempt to balance that against the needs of the relationship. They are aware of our micro- and macro-cycles of needing closeness/needing independence

- the individuals are totally committed to their own development as separate, independent people. They are also committed to one another's growth; the relationship supports each person's growth as much as possible

- there is a sense of creative co-creation within the relationship; a feeling of synergy

Last edited by polynerdist; 01-10-2010 at 08:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
configurations, relationship, relationship dynamics, relationship structures

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:50 AM.