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  #111  
Old 04-11-2012, 12:06 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by greenearthal View Post
A little more about gender and why I retain these romantic notions about some balance:

I feel like I thrive in both large and small lateral groups. I find that I do not do very well in hierarchical groups at all (I'm the star you're the fan, you're the boss I'm the worker, I'm the boss you're the worker, etc.) But in peer groups, whether large or small, I feel like I really thrive.

However, when I am in large peer groups and for whatever reason I find myself with a significant gender imbalance, people seem to take leave of their senses and act like idiots (sometimes, not an act). In a large peer group that is predominately male there is generally one monocultural type of idiocy, perhaps best labeled as "typical made idiocy". And likewise, when I find myself among a predominately female group things generally devolve into "any one of a million subtly nuanced forms of complex idiocy".

Whether the differences from male to female are more biological or more socialization is irrelevant. The fact is they're there. And I find that groups that tend toward gender balance are more likely to have the mix of skills and personalities to meet problem solving head on and enjoy the benefits of diversity.

I do recognize that both gender balance and fidelity are my own personal preferences. And believe-you-me I am well aware, sometimes we fall in love with people and the love becomes way more important than our personal preferences. But the actual homework assignment was imagine your ideal relationship. And if I won the relationship lotto and found myself in a situation similar to what I initially described I would be a happy camper.

That's all
I can relate to this a lot. But, there is another factor in my case, which is bisexuality.

Whomever I`m with, male or female, has to be able to approach gender intelligently. Knee-jerk gender loyalty turns me off on both men and women. Men and women are equals also is a turn off, since it`s patently untrue. All men/women aren`t like that, also a turn off since gender patterns are obviously present.

My relationships with women are more challenging, no doubt about it. I don`t want to be fed equality anymore, since it is obvious men and women cannot be equals. Women by-and-large refuse equality when I offer it to them. They want to be socially under me, or I seize to be a sexual prospect (in spite of the fact that I am naturally aggressive in bed, and in bed only). Respect, in the masculine sense, means lack of "confidence" for them. So, it`s no longer a feasible dream, for me. And, therefore not a dream at all.

That being said, I don`t fit into hetero-male idiocy either. And, simply "putting a woman in her place", isn`t enough. And, sounds more like some homoerotic need to impress members of the same gender.

I guess what I am hoping for are biological mutations among both women and men. Bisexuality seems to be the only way to escape having to be a total jerk to women, which is what they appear to want in me, for the most part. I also don`t want to be hanging out with men whose knuckles drag on the ground.

As for gay and bisexual men, I am really happy to have discovered my love for them, and they are now the salt of my Earth. They are my hope and salvation from gender idiocy. Still waiting for women who will surprise me, but no longer holding my breath. I guess they are called unicorns for a reason.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 04-11-2012 at 12:34 PM.
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  #112  
Old 04-13-2012, 05:07 PM
SukieJones SukieJones is offline
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Default In a perfect world...

My lover and I wouldn't have to hide our feelings, and my husband and I wouldn't have to hide our open marriage or his low libido. We would all be able to love and accept one another without self-consciousness (complicated feelings are fine, we can work through those). I'd be able to go around town with my lover, spend nights at his place and even have him be part of my family. He wouldn't feel awkward telling his friends he's been seeing a married woman for the last year and that we've developed a profound friendship. He would have told his new girlfriend about me the moment they met and she would have been fine with it. Maybe we'd develop a friendship of our own. It'd be so nice to talk about all the things we love about my lover. (I'm uncomfortable being part of his deceit, but I don't know how to let him go yet.) My husband would find an interesting woman for us to share, someone who brings adventure and life experience to the table, someone we can both love. He too would go off and enjoy his private time. Having an additional relationship has given me a beautiful escape from the stress of daily life. I hate having to keep it under wraps, but we have children, work, school, PTA, and carpool, and all the rest of the chaos that goes with raising a family. Our community already thinks of me as a wild card. What feels perfectly natural to me further alienates me.

In a perfect world we would all be polyamorous. And exceptional communicators.
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  #113  
Old 04-26-2012, 09:09 PM
threesnocrowd threesnocrowd is offline
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That's easy. Two guys and a girl. Lots of love and everyone eats along. Heaven
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  #114  
Old 08-21-2012, 09:08 PM
cuninglingwist cuninglingwist is offline
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Default I had it once, now I want it again

The first time was with a girlfriend who moved in with me, after her girlfriend room mate moved out to live with her boyfriend, everything was fine with us, both of us openminded, we even went swinging a couple of times but liked our co better, then a call from her ex live in girlfriend, she was all up set, her and her love had split "after she confessed she was bisexual" he flipped called her a whore he told their families she was a lesbian, (ignorance) she needed a place to stay for a week or two so she could store her stuff, of course we said yes but the problem was we only had a king size bed, she would have to sleep on the couch, things were going well with all three of us , then one night my girl confessed she was also bisexual and they were lovers before she found the man of her life, (the idiot)we both felt sorry for her alone on the couch so my girl got up, talked to her and she brought her into the bedroom and started sleeping with us on the king size bed, both girls were afraid I would be jealous if i saw them hugging, but thats when I cleared the air, as the dominant male i made a few rules to follow as so we wouldent feel left out, i told them I have no problem with them making love, but it would be only fare if I made love to her to whenever I felt like it where jealousy and drama would play no part,
my girls happyly agreed, and I have to say their are times I have to do work in my office, and dont you know my girl would destract me sexually and tease me, now she can tease and play with her girlfriend when she is horny, we had the freedom to have sex with each other when ever we wanted, sometimes I would watch the football game in the big chair being waited on, and they would make out on the couch, but we loved threesomes, the girls would go cloths and grocery shopping together, sometimes go out at night together to see a band if I was busy, i have to say it was the perfect arrangement for all of us, we even went to a nudist camp[ together we shared cost three ways and even saved money, life was so f... good for all three of us, we both confessed we loved our girlfriend and she loved us, every body got what they wanted physicly, mentally, financially and sexually, both girls had excellent carreer upper management jobs, I was growing my business, then the depression came with downsizing, first our girl was transfered to florida, then my girl was transfered two months later to the west coast, we all wanted to go together but I coulded go, the economy was getting worse it was a tear jerker for all of us. Since I have been out with strait jealous closed mineded girls that would never understand or call me a pervert, they are all looking to settle down, I just carnt deal with closed minded strait girls anymore.
I have heared from the girls at diferent times, both crying on the phone, both married handsome corporate guys, totally up tight, afraid to tell them they are bisexual, one is in a big house in the burbs she calls jail, hubby comes home on weekends and they fight, the other has two kids that hate her and a cheating hubby, both were crying about the wonderful life we had together and now they are financially stuck..........so im looking... even to live abroad if I have to.
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  #115  
Old 02-13-2013, 05:50 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Default In Five Years

I think my ideal relationship would be one where my current girlfriend and I are able to enjoy a loving friendship with a kind and funny man who shares common interests. That whole "opposites attract" theory has never worked well for me. My girlfriend and I share so many interests that there's always something to talk about or do which both of us truly enjoy. No one has to spend a lot of their time tagging along while the other one explores a hobby, we inspire each other to try new aspects of our current interests, and it works very well.

If we could meet someone who would be a friend under any circumstances, because we get along so well, and then add the extra little bit of being able to enjoy physical intimacy also....That would be a dream come true. I think because love is the goal here, as much as friendship, we thought it fit the category of polyamory better than just FWB.

I don't know if we are Unicorn Hunters or not. I was under the impression that term meant a heterosexual man in an established relationship with a bisexual or bi-curious woman, seeking a new bisexual woman. I suppose maybe it means any couple seeking a third member, and has nothing to do with gender. I think the confusion comes in that for a F/F couple to find a middle aged man willing to be intimate with two women seems a much less daunting task than finding this apparently elusive third woman. Maybe I'm way off base on that one.

Time to see what happens if I add a new post to this long-dead thread.
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  #116  
Old 02-13-2013, 06:49 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post

Time to see what happens if I add a new post to this long-dead thread.
You sure you want to know?

People have disappeared in the middle of the night and never been heard from again, for far less heinous offenses than OMG THREAD MINING OMG

The moderators will probably let you think up your own punishment THIS TIME.
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  #117  
Old 02-13-2013, 07:14 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Default Headlamps needed!!

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You sure you want to know?

People have disappeared in the middle of the night and never been heard from again, for far less heinous offenses than OMG THREAD MINING OMG

The moderators will probably let you think up your own punishment THIS TIME.

Enquiring minds deserve what they get!

Fortunately I do some of my best work in the dark.
I also own a helmet with a headlamp for just such occasions, so now all I have to fear are legions of vampire bats out for my newbie blood.

This reminds me very strongly of ji'e'toh, from the Wheel of Time series, where only the person who has sinned can decide when the punishment fits the crime. I'll go find a teaspoon, and start digging the shouder-deep hole now.
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  #118  
Old 02-13-2013, 07:40 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
Time to see what happens if I add a new post to this long-dead thread.
Tee-hee, the last post before yours was only this past August. That's not really long-dead. It's just been a few months. Sometimes people resurrect threads that are a few years old, and that's fine, too. If you view a particular forum and sort threads by number of replies, you will see that many of the really long threads go back quite a way in time.
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  #119  
Old 02-13-2013, 08:12 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"I don't know if we are Unicorn Hunters or not. I was under the impression that term meant a heterosexual man in an established relationship with a bisexual or bi-curious woman, seeking a new bisexual woman. I suppose maybe it means any couple seeking a third member, and has nothing to do with gender. I think the confusion comes in that for a F/F couple to find a middle aged man willing to be intimate with two women seems a much less daunting task than finding this apparently elusive third woman. Maybe I'm way off base on that one."

People use the phrase in different ways, and there's been vigorous debate on the boards before, with no resolution, on the exact definition. Some people focus on the typical m/f couple's search for the mythical hot bi babe... but such an entity is NOT mythical... I mean, I'm bi and not un-hot (and I've got a thing for couples to boot!).

So, to me, gender is not the significant thing, rather it's the often-problematic behavior pattern of seeking out a person who can fill a pre-determined niche by "joining" a relationship with an established couple and forming a perfect equilateral triangle. Such a person, who can love two members of a preexisting couple equally, be loved by them equally in return, integrate seamlessly into their lives without significantly changing the life they've built together, not want to get involved with other people, and suffer no feelings of insecurity or jealousy around being the "junior" member of the new triad... THAT individual is the mythical creature, in my eyes.

In terms of what I just described, it doesn't matter whether we're talking two women and a man, two men and a woman, three men, three women, or some combination of genderqueer individuals... it just ain't realistic or wise. It's that behavior that I think constitutes a clear pattern that needs to be identified and pointed out to both people doing it and people being targeted by it, and therein lies the utility of having a shorthand phrase to describe it. Sure it's usually an m/f couple seeking a woman, but I've seen various variations on the gender combo's doing the same.

Since you and Pidge aren't thinking of being involved with both of you as a requirement, merely as a preference... well, I'm no judge or arbiter, and as I stated above this is a term which doesn't even have an agreed upon definition to begin with!... but I'd say you're NOT "unicorn hunters". Nevertheless, since you're engaging in behavior that is at least somewhat similar, it's probably good to be aware of the trope and of the associated pitfalls, so that you can be sure to distinguish yourself from people who really are hunting unicorns, and to avoid said pitfalls.

My 2.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 02-13-2013 at 09:27 PM.
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  #120  
Old 02-13-2013, 08:40 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post

Such a person, who can love two members of a preexisting couple equally, be loved by them equally in return, integrate seamlessly into their lives without significantly changing the life they've built together, not want to get involved with other people, and suffer no feelings of insecurity or jealousy around being the "junior" member of the new triad... THAT individual is the mythical creature, in my eyes.

Since you and Pidge aren't thinking of being involved with both of you as a requirement, merely as a preference... well, I'm no judge or arbiter, and as I stated above this is a term which doesn't even have an agreed upon definition to begin with!... but I'd say you're NOT "unicorn hunters". Nevertheless, since you're engaging in behavior that is at least somewhat similar, it's probably good to be aware of the trope and of the associated pitfalls, so that you can be sure to distinguish yourself from people who really are hunting unicorns, and to avoid said pitfalls.
You bring up some great points to ponder. We truly don't demand or expect that he would love us both equally, just adequately for him feel happy about spending time, both intimate and casual, with us both. I really don't want to try to decide for him how he feels. Maybe he will view this as simply a very affectionate FWB thing on his end? The affection is a truly necessary aspect, though. I wouldn't want The Pidge to ever be treated as a booty call. That is one place I would draw a line.

Also, we've already discussed that we don't have the expectation that he only dates us. He might already have, or want to have, other relationships he sees as more serious than his relationship with us. We are truly trying to remain as open-minded and respectful of this poor Mythical Man as we can, while also clarifying for ourselves what we're really truly wanting.

Whew. This is complicated stuff...pant...pant...
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