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Old 12-10-2016, 08:08 AM
Alexis8 Alexis8 is offline
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Default Am I mono? Whats wrong with me?

I would like to consider myself a pretty open minded girl. I think that the jealousy and possessiveness that we (as a society) idealize as being romantic is pretty sick. Owning a partner is not romantic, its unhealthy and destructive. People are more complicated than that (at least generally), and especially when it comes to sex, we are inherently sexual creatures and denying that is also pretty unhealthy. Polyamory seems like the "right" choice both rationally and morally.

So why in the hell do I feel this awful sinking dread in my chest every time I think of my partner being with someone else? Worse, she doesnt even want to share her love, she just wants to share sex. She has made it clear she wants me to be the only person she ever loves. Thats so so very reasonable...why the hell cant I be?

My partner and I have been together almost a year and we are extremely close. I trust her implicitly. I know that she loves me more than anything in the world, she couldnt hide it from me if she wanted. I dont think that she would leave me. And I love her more than life. We want to get married but we've agreed not to do it until weve been together longer.

She's poly and I...I dont know what the hell is going on in my head.

We're both pretty sexually adventurous and we both like the idea of group sex. But when it comes to just having sex with other people...I get super upset. Im not even sure what Im feeling exactly. I cant explain why I feel the way I do. Am I jealous? Jealous of what exactly? Jealous that my partner whom I love is able to experience some things which I cant provide for her? That she enjoy herself without me? What kind of piece of shit am I?

I cant even make sense of it. It makes perfect sense the OTHER way around. We are both subs, were both pan, we both have things we enjoy that we cant really do for each other for various reasons. We have astonishingly good sex together but we cant be everything to each other all of the time, it just makes sense to fill in some of those gaps with other people. Its just having some fun after all.

So why cant I get over it?

I admit Ive not been in an open relationship before, she has. Ive only had group sex twice (although I would like to explore more) and she has had group sex numerous times. I also admit I have some mental health issues that complicate things (we both do). And I know, I should (and do/will) talk to a therapist. But I wanted to see if anyone else out there felt betrayed by their own emotions like this. My therapist is wonderful, but I wanted advice from someone who lives it. I dont know if Ive ever felt so at odds with my own feelings. Has anyone else felt this way? How do I get over this? Im kind of at a loss...

I want to be the best girlfriend I can be for her. What do I do??

Thank you all so much
A
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Old 12-12-2016, 02:52 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexis8 View Post
I think that the jealousy and possessiveness that we (as a society) idealize as being romantic is pretty sick. Owning a partner is not romantic, its unhealthy and destructive. People are more complicated than that (at least generally), and especially when it comes to sex, we are inherently sexual creatures and denying that is also pretty unhealthy. Polyamory seems like the "right" choice both rationally and morally.

...So why in the hell do I feel this awful sinking dread in my chest every time I think of my partner being with someone else? What kind of piece of shit am I?
Lots of open minded people agree with polyamory in theory, but are not into it in practice. That doesn't make them (or you) unhealthy or immoral, that just makes them monogamous. Polyamory is not an inherently more evolved or moral choice, it's just an option and you need not contort yourself and torture yourself into a relationship model that feels awful to you. I have lots of wonderful, open minded, open hearted friends who think it's beautiful that I can be polyamorous, but they themselves have absolutely no interest in sharing their lovers with others in any way. That's perfectly fine. Your "awful sinking dread" in your chest is telling you something loud and clear. Yes, you can work on jealousy and all of that, but why torture yourself? Plenty of good people are not into poly and not because they are brainwashed by society, but because they are just not into it. It's OK to be monogamous!
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Old 12-12-2016, 02:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you struggle.

It's ok to be monoamorous. It's ok to be monogamous. It's ok to be both monoamorous (love 1 sweetie only) and monogamous (want 1 partner only.)

Is it something akin to that?

Quote:
So why in the hell do I feel this awful sinking dread in my chest every time I think of my partner being with someone else? Worse, she doesnt even want to share her love, she just wants to share sex. She has made it clear she wants me to be the only person she ever loves. Thats so so very reasonable...why the hell cant I be?
Quote:
But when it comes to just having sex with other people...I get super upset.
Another thought... is it casual sex that bothers you? You prefer to have regular play partners/ and not like random one time hook ups?

Galagirl
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Old 12-12-2016, 07:37 PM
CTF CTF is offline
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There's nothing wrong with being mono. As a mono myself, I'm actually quite comfortable with the one on one, as opposed to multiples. Neither is better or worse that the other, some are just more suited for one or the other.

Having these feelings (primarily jealousy) doesn't make you a piece of shit, nor does it mean that you think you "own" another human being. It makes you human. It makes you monogamous. I remember asking myself the same types of questions. What I realized, is that I have a much more emotional view towards linking love & sex. So when she tells me that it's about the sex, not the love, it's tough to wrap my head around (maybe even subconsciously). Of course everyone is different, but you might be experiencing something along the same line. Just a thought.
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Old 12-12-2016, 08:57 PM
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Furthermore, I think it is possible for different things to be right with different partners at different times. Sometimes you can only steer by what your heart is telling you that you can or cannot live comfortably and happily with.

I was poly-ish in my teen years, then mono (unhappily married, but not unhappy because of monogamy, just unhappy because bad relationship)...then poly and happy for a year...that experience fed my heart and soul. And now mono again, at least monosexual. And happy. I can do poly and love it, I can do mono and love it, and the only guide I need to listen to is what my heart needs right now. I'm not scripting my love life to make a social or political point, and I don't think you need to, either. So what I'm saying is that even if you think that polyamory makes a ton of sense, if your heart doesn't want to do that right now, then frankly respecting your own truth is what matters.

And honestly, maybe it's the casual thing that is the problem.

In my own personal idea of perfect poly, what made me happy and I think would again, my partners other partners are also my partners and we are all very close and love one another. It was...kitchen table sort of thing. Well, actually, Fire and I both had others...but I'm most comfortable being close to my metamours. Others don't feel the same, for some this makes for big anxiety. Frankly, if I knew that my partner were having casual and unemotional sex with others, I would not be happy or comfortable with that. I would MUCH rather that my partner form a secondary loving relationship, preferably with someone that I can at least be friends with.

So maybe tweaking the shape of your poly this way and that in your mind, and contemplating if other alternatives might feel better, could help?
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Old 12-13-2016, 02:15 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alexis8 View Post
I would like to consider myself a pretty open minded girl. I think that the jealousy and possessiveness that we (as a society) idealize as being romantic is pretty sick. Owning a partner is not romantic, its unhealthy and destructive. People are more complicated than that (at least generally), and especially when it comes to sex, we are inherently sexual creatures and denying that is also pretty unhealthy. Polyamory seems like the "right" choice both rationally and morally.
Owning another person is AOK if consensual in a D/s agreement/contract. You mention you are both female and "subs." Is she seeing men? Are they her Doms? Do you fear she will enter into a D/s or M/s relationship and become someone's owned sub or slave?



Quote:
So why in the hell do I feel this awful sinking dread in my chest every time I think of my partner being with someone else? Worse, she doesnt even want to share her love, she just wants to share sex. She has made it clear she wants me to be the only person she ever loves. Thats so so very reasonable...why the hell cant I be?
Even though you acknowledge you don't agree that monogamy and jealousy are rational, it can still take time to become less possessive, jealous, fearful of loss. Especially during NRE, sex can be very frequent. Even if your gf is polysexual and not polyamorous, she can be putting lots of energy and attention into her other relationship(s) and you can feel a sense of loss.

Quote:
My partner and I have been together almost a year...
Less than a year? You two are still getting to know each other. You may be in NRE for her still, and she may have moved past it? This mismatch, if there is one, may be hard to deal with.

Quote:
...and we are extremely close. I trust her implicitly. I know that she loves me more than anything in the world, she couldnt hide it from me if she wanted. I dont think that she would leave me. And I love her more than life. We want to get married but we've agreed not to do it until weve been together longer.

She's poly and I...I dont know what the hell is going on in my head.

We're both pretty sexually adventurous and we both like the idea of group sex. But when it comes to just having sex with other people...I get super upset. Im not even sure what Im feeling exactly. I cant explain why I feel the way I do. Am I jealous? Jealous of what exactly? Jealous that my partner whom I love is able to experience some things which I cant provide for her? That she enjoy herself without me? What kind of piece of shit am I?
Harsh! You're not a piece of shit for having the feelings you have. Feelings are feelings. You're trying something new. You wouldn't expect to be an expert at a sport the first time you're on the field, why expect you'll be an expert at polysexuality from the start? Give yourself some love and patience.

Quote:
I cant even make sense of it. It makes perfect sense the OTHER way around. We are both subs, were both pan, we both have things we enjoy that we cant really do for each other for various reasons. We have astonishingly good sex together but we cant be everything to each other all of the time, it just makes sense to fill in some of those gaps with other people. Its just having some fun after all.

So why cant I get over it?
It can take time. Time, and more trust. Experience. Take good care of yourself when she's on dates. Distract yourself by doing something engrossing, work out, do a project, masturbate, go out with a platonic friend or invite them over for dinner, etc etc.


Quote:
I admit Ive not been in an open relationship before, she has. Ive only had group sex twice (although I would like to explore more) and she has had group sex numerous times. I also admit I have some mental health issues that complicate things (we both do). And I know, I should (and do/will) talk to a therapist. But I wanted to see if anyone else out there felt betrayed by their own emotions like this. My therapist is wonderful, but I wanted advice from someone who lives it. I dont know if Ive ever felt so at odds with my own feelings. Has anyone else felt this way? How do I get over this? Im kind of at a loss...

I want to be the best girlfriend I can be for her. What do I do??

Thank you all so much
A
Lots of us have been there! Probably most of us. It's much easier to date, than to see your partner date. Other posters said maybe you're mono and your gf isn't. I don't see that, since you say you want to experience group sex more. And even if you ARE mono, it is quite possible to have a successful mono/poly relationship. It just takes education, open communication, reassurance, trust and good etiquette. Your gf shouldn't come home from a date and dump all the yummy details on you, for example. Then you can start comparing. And if you're a sub too, you might envy her dates with her Doms.

Take it easier on yourself. You can work through this.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (33, poly)
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 12-13-2016, 10:53 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Alexis8,

Keeping in mind what the others have said, I can offer you some links to explore.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Kathy Labriola: "First Aid" for Jealousy
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

To reiterate, you're not doing anything wrong, and there's nothing wrong with you. The dread that you're feeling is something to explore, that's all. I hope you'll continue to post here and let us know how you're feeling and what you're thinking.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-05-2017, 06:11 AM
Alexis8 Alexis8 is offline
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Thank you all so much for the responses. I read them all...twice...but didnt respond because ive been too jumbled in the head and embarrassed about all this that I didnt want to respond.

I feel like this issue is getting worse. She is totally faithful to me but shes definitely changing who she is for the sake of our relationship. Ive told her, in no uncertain terms, that she is 100% ALLOWED to have sex with whoever she wants (with a few exceptions like her ex boyfriend and such). But she asked me if it would hurt me if she did and I had to tell her it would. She's not going to do anything if she knows it will hurt me, shes too good to me like that.

I will say, it was relieving to hear that not everyone thinks im a neanderthal. Im not convinced that poly isnt the superior view but it is comforting. its also nice to see its normal to not like your partner having sex with one gender vs another. I am much more jealous of my girlfriend having sex with men than with other women, and honestly worrying about what that said about me was causing me some serious anxiety.

I would love to see some information on how people deal with mono/poly relationships, others have said that its possible (Im not sure I see how) but I would love more information.

Also, I know insecurity comes up again and again when talking about jealousy (and for good reason of course). This is a bit tricky...without getting into too much detail, insecurity is a little bit baked in for me (you just probably dont want to hear boring details, Google BPD if you like). Do people work around/with insecurity? I know that resolving my insecurities would be the best course of action...ive been trying to for quite some time and "cures" arent really a thing so...

So do mono/poly relationships really work and how? and then do people live with/overcome jealousy in spite of insecurity?

Thank you all, youre so helpful. This has been a huge source of stress for me. Im so scared that this one issue is going to poison the well that is our relationship...

Thanks
A
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Old 02-05-2017, 03:25 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You have Borderline Personality Disorder? That is a very tough diagnosis. My daughter has that. She finally healed somewhat by joining a praise church. (It's pretty incredible, the church community and their church services helped her quit drugs, alcohol, cigarettes and even her anti depressant meds. Now she is married, has 2 babies, and spends her free time volunteering and helping others find god and beat addictions.)

Before, in her teens and early 20s, she was abusing crack and alcohol, and any other drugs she could get her hands on, she was self harming, she was selling her body for drugs, she would fly into rages when drunk, she's been in several psych wards and halfway houses, she couldn't hold a job, she was stealing drugs and selling all she had for drugs. She was also bulemic.

I don't think she would have been able to handle a mono/poly relationship. She would've been OK being the poly one, but would have expected her partners to be faithful to her. That was how she was. She could do anything she wanted, but if others did the same, and it hurt her, she'd fly off the handle.

If you don't feel safe having a poly partner, I don't blame you one bit.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
In a newish relationship with Steve, (33, poly)
"Master," (mono, 36), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years
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Old 02-05-2017, 05:56 PM
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Hi Alexis, you might find Franklin Veaux's Mono/Poly Pages helpful, give them a try.
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