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  #221  
Old 01-24-2011, 03:57 PM
illusion010101 illusion010101 is offline
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yup shes a keeper. lol
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  #222  
Old 02-09-2011, 08:24 PM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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This is the big discussion for me. I know that some of my family will try to accept it. I have been this way my whole life but cannot live it. My children are teenagers. My hubby and I have found someone who we want to be with. We don't want to lose her but we have no doubt of the selfishness of asking her to be just a mistress. She so deserves more. I am afraid my boys cannot deal with it, or process it or whatever. Especially the 13 yr old, just such and akward age to begin with.
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  #223  
Old 02-09-2011, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by pollyshari View Post
This is the big discussion for me. I know that some of my family will try to accept it. I have been this way my whole life but cannot live it. My children are teenagers. My hubby and I have found someone who we want to be with. We don't want to lose her but we have no doubt of the selfishness of asking her to be just a mistress. She so deserves more. I am afraid my boys cannot deal with it, or process it or whatever. Especially the 13 yr old, just such and akward age to begin with.
What would you be doing that your kids couldn't accept? Have they told you this was an issue?
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  #224  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:25 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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hey polyshari got similar problem, my case I think the wheels are starting to come off due to an event of previous weekend. I'm thinking of handing out copies of the ethical slut, however I haven't actually read it myself. Big changes in the air here. I've got someone looking into the mental health coverage of my insurance as a fall back, or maybe a starting point not sure.
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  #225  
Old 02-09-2011, 10:05 PM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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What I am doing is my poly hubby and I are leading a secret double life. We are very secure with each other and poly relationships. We did marry and start a family as a mono couple. Our children don't know anything different than us being mom and dad and lovers with one another. We have a girlfriend, she is our second poly relationship, the first one did not work.

My oldest son has grown up with a good friend in the neighborhood who's family arrangement consists of the mom and her lesbian lover plus dad still lives there, although they are divorced. I think he would take it better than the other 2. Additionally, we have good friends who are lesbian. Even though we consider them good friends I do hear my boys making jokes about the lesbian couples. I do remind that they are responsible good people who do good things and take good care of one another. However we do live in a very conservative town and state, with a dominant religious (and sexually repressive) structure. I have not discussed this with my children at all. I am just scared.

My Mormon parents and siblings will be apalled. But their disaproval is not what will stop me.

Last edited by pollyshari; 02-09-2011 at 10:17 PM. Reason: I am also concerned that my younger boy will be anxious regarding the stability and unity between mom and dad.
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  #226  
Old 02-09-2011, 11:17 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by pollyshari View Post
What I am doing is my poly hubby and I are leading a secret double life. We are very secure with each other and poly relationships. We did marry and start a family as a mono couple. Our children don't know anything different than us being mom and dad and lovers with one another. We have a girlfriend, she is our second poly relationship, the first one did not work.
Most kids, especially teenagers don't even want to consider that their parents have sex with each other, much less anyone else. So unless you are "doing it" with the girlfriend right under their nose (which I doubt would ever happen in any case), they probably won't even think twice about you guys having a close friend visit all the time. I don't agree that you need to exclude her from your lives and live a "double life", but there are ways to be descrete.

Sure, they may start forming their own conclussions eventually and if they start asking questions, give them honest answers and encourage them to ask more questions. Just my opinion.

We have a close friend (my husbands Non-Sexual Partner), she has been a part of our lives for years and not once have my kids even speculated that more was going on other than friendship. Other adults have, but not the kids. There's no sex or anything physical, but there is an emotional attachment.

It's true that our kids see more than we think they do, but they also don't tend to react to stuff unless it negatively effects them. They do tend to follow our lead in what is acceptable and what is not. If we hide it, they will think there is something to be ashamed of.


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I am just scared.
Understandable.
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  #227  
Old 02-09-2011, 11:51 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pollyshari View Post
My hubby and I have found someone who we want to be with. We don't want to lose her but we have no doubt of the selfishness of asking her to be just a mistress. She so deserves more. I am afraid my boys cannot deal with it, or process it or whatever.
Well, she would not really be a mistress. That term implies cheating in a monogamous relationship. Is there a reason you think of it that way? She would be part of your poly relationship, hopefully with communication, and honesty at its core (and openness at the level at which you feel safe in your community). Perhaps your fears about how the kids will react are more related to the judgments that might come from the community. It's tough to feel like you're doing something wrong in other people's eyes. But if you and your husband personally have resolved your own issues or come to good terms with yourselves about being involved with a third person, before you act on what you want and introduce your family to a new person, I do believe your sense of okayness with it will be conveyed to your children when you do speak to them about it.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-10-2011 at 07:36 AM.
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  #228  
Old 02-10-2011, 12:46 AM
pollyshari pollyshari is offline
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I don't think of her that way (a mistress) however, the secrecy does put her in a very similar position. I find myself sounding like a cheating spouse when I say things like. "You are so important to me..but...we can't be in the open". I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. I am frustrated with it as well (again sounding like a cheating spouse). Hubby and I get to live together every day 24-7. She does not get to participate that to the fullest, and she has mentioned wanting to have a family. I know what she wants, and I want to give it to her. It is just a huge leap to come out of the closet. I don't want to flip my kids world on end. Again especially the 13 year old, he is at an akward point in his life and trying to figure out who he is, now he has to understand what the heck is going on with mom and dad.

I am not ashamed of myself. I went through all of that guilt crap when I was younger and one day I just said, I am not living my life based on guilt any more. Practicing the religion of my father seemed completely unatural, it always had. Besides, my great great grand father (mom is very proud of ancestral roots that connect her to the original leaders of the Mormon Church) had 13 wives, HELLO???? That was all about property and Patriarchal rule.

I just didn't start to have poly relationships until after I became a mom so my kids weren't raised with it around them. I don't know anyone else who is either. My kids do know me as someone who respects the individual rights of others. This is The US of A after all.
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  #229  
Old 02-10-2011, 01:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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If I may-I haven't read your every post.

But, we came out poly Sept 2009.
At that point my kids were
to days from turning 18, 13, 12, 9, 2 years respectively.

None of the kids freaked out. There were questions. The oldest rolled her eyes-but she's MY daughter and lived with my bizarre life so that was it.

The 13 is my stepson and he was raised believing that gay was wrong and pretty much out of the norm was wrong AND I was wrong too-so we expected flack from him. He seemed more relieved to know we were being upfront and honest than anything else.

The 12 is my Godson and he was raised in a VERY strict religious setting believing that damn near everything was wrong. He wanted more information and wanted to read about poly.

The 9 year old was a breeze. He said, "sounds like love to me mom. I mean, love isn't limitable anyway.."

The youngest doesn't know any different.

Usually-kids know more than we think they do. Regardless of what you decide, lying to kids is something that TENDS to backfire in the long run. Easier at times in the short run, but generally smacks us down as parents in the long run.

Good luck!!

(I have mormon family too-ironically, they didn't care).
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  #230  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:55 AM
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Our LB knows that he is loved and that is it really. Kids worlds usually revolve around them. He knows that mumma has a husband, his dad and a boyfriend and that we can all have love in our hearts for as many people as we want. Derby he knows is special to me and that she is also in my heart and I love her... He knows I love many people and I frame all my connections in terms of that, not sex. I love my ex wife, I love Leo, I love Dexy... my ex-tersiary (complicated I know)... I love many people and that is expressed in different ways that are agreed upon, are above board and are talked about ahead of time.

I know all that sounds rather hippish, but he is seven, so there ya go, it makes sense to him. I am wondering if this can't be fashioned in some way for a 13 year old. Your kids are living in mainstream society, all they know is mono relationships, but not in terms of definition. They know it in terms of what you present to them... present something different to them and be confident in that and they will think its the norm... be all weird about it and they will not only think you are weird but that it isn't okay... and it IS okay!
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