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  #211  
Old 01-15-2011, 12:04 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by illusion010101 View Post
The one thing I'm concerned about is that H does have a strong relationship with my folks and I dont want them to push there prejudices on H.
I am currently struggling with this. When I hear my kids repeat something that obviously reflects something one of their grandparents said (usually my mother or MIL), I ask him where he heard that and proceed to try an explain that that is just their opinion and point out how it is not what I believe... It's kind of a fine line, because I really don't think it's constructive for him at 15 to aurgue with them, so I have to ask him not to. However, it does start opening up different areas of conversation that we normally wouldn't discuss. Heaven forbid a teenager talk to his mom about important stuff.

Last edited by SNeacail; 01-15-2011 at 12:45 AM.
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  #212  
Old 01-15-2011, 12:35 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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That issue existed from day one for me. My daughter is part Puerta Rican, my extended family are a bunch of prejudiced hicks.

She LOOKS white, if you don't try to hard to look. But it was VERY important to me that they understand, she's NOT. She's a BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, PRECIOUS, American with Puerta Rican blood and she deserves to be proud of HERSELF for WHO SHE IS, not who they wish she was.

My grandmothers husband called her a "Kansas City Nigger" and got himself kicked off my property for life.

He also called my son a "faggot" because he had long hair. (Same day, same result).

It also resulted in him not being allowed contact with the little ones. My oldest is free to see who she wishes, she's an adult. The last time I saw her and he in the same house (my mother's house) he mouthed off and touched her, she punched him whilst telling him to keep his "f'ing hands off her".

I was caught wondering what (if anything) I should do/say. As a rule of thumb we don't allow hitting. She's never, and I do mean NEVER had an issue obeying that rule. But at the same time, he quite literally asked for it with the way he was talking to her and then putting his hands on her.

I looked at her, she wasn't asking for anything from me. She knew what was or wasn't going to be said/done to her and she had made her choice. I left it alone. Suffice it to say, he figured it out as well, he stays the hell away from her, and the rest of the family FINALLY got it too-they figured out that none of my household is going to tolerate that b.s. and that I'm not going to try to uphold "be nice" behavior from my kids if they're being mistreated.

It's a FINE LINE between teaching a child appropriate behavior and not teaching them that it's ok for other people to mistreat them.
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  #213  
Old 01-15-2011, 07:22 AM
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It sounds like a good time for a serious sit down talk with your daughter.

I think RP and Mono wrote a bunch about this when they were addressing their poly relationship with her parents (because her son is very close to his grandparents).
It's right here http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=721 I agree... time to have a good talk. good luck with that!
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  #214  
Old 01-21-2011, 08:17 PM
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redevil redevil is offline
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As the child of parents who engaged in Poly and Swinger lifestyles, don't hide it from your kids. Myself and the daughter of my mom's last boyfriend, found out in our teens and it was so much harder to deal with. I found out by accident almost (heartless move on my mother's part) and it resulted in a lot of anger, outbursts at school and for me, a brief period of time living with my aunt about 400 miles away just to escape.

I am currently trying to figure out how to address this with my own children. My oldest is 10 and she will figure things out very quickly I know. The idea of "being chosen" or "choosing" someone for family is not going to be a hard sell for her because she is not my husband's biologically. She instead is very proud that her daddy chose her and is "stuck" with her brother and sisters. My other 3 are 5 and under. Lobster has a great deal of concern about telling the kids, but he agrees that our oldest is going to figure it out. I have been in those shoes, and you end up feeling lost, like you weren't respected and an myriad of other feelings that could have been avoided if my parents had been honest with me from the start. My wish is that my children will grow up considering this to be "normal" and see that love is a great thing, that doesn't have a set number of hearts.
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  #215  
Old 01-21-2011, 08:25 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I think people are too preoccupied with getting their children's approval or permission for things. If you just tell them how it is, they'll respect you for your choices as long as you have been a good parent and they are secure in your love for them.

I do not say this "as a parent", as i am not one; but I say this as having been someone's kid.
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  #216  
Old 01-21-2011, 08:33 PM
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I agree with neon on this. I hate secrecy. It started when my dad had an affair. I knew something was going on and no one told me what. If they had said with the least amount pf emotion and most normalacy they could muster that my dad loved someone else and they were trying to figure out how to deal with that emotionally I would of been fine. But no, they hide it and it made me uneasy and scared. Needlessly.
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  #217  
Old 01-23-2011, 12:35 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I think people are too preoccupied with getting their children's approval or permission for things. If you just tell them how it is, they'll respect you for your choices as long as you have been a good parent and they are secure in your love for them.

I do not say this "as a parent", as i am not one; but I say this as having been someone's kid.
I'm inclined to agree. I'm pretty new to all this, but this is how I've approached it with my child, who is 10.

He is introduced to anyone I'm seeing, that I may wish to continue seeing. I've told him that I believe it's entirely possible, acceptable, and not at all uncommon to have strong feelings for more than one person. His reply was that he thought you could love only one person.

I've replied that given there are so many different people in the world, it completely makes sense that he could hold that view and others would hold different views, and that the main thing in life is to remain respectful and supportive of different views and opinions.
He goes to a religious school, and we're both committed athiests, so we often have conversations about being respectful of other's views that may not match your own. I don't need his approval at all...but I do need to be honest with him.

Within the boundaries of what is an ok conversation to have with a child....I pretty much believe if I hide something from him it's not validating my views or my behaviour. I'm proud of the decisions I make, and the lifestyle I choose...If I'm not open with him about it, that's suggesting on a subconscious level that something is not ok with what I'm doing.

I've also said to him "If you ever want to have a conversation about this...That's ok, it's important to me that you feel ok with what's going on in our lives, so feel free to bring up anything, at anytime"

"it's ok...I'm fine"

I should also stress that I'm only at the tip of the iceberg, and my life is pretty uncomplex in terms of relationship dynamics....so there's not too much to explain to him at this point.

I've felt it's important to lay some fundamentals down for what may happen in the future though.
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  #218  
Old 01-23-2011, 08:38 PM
illusion010101 illusion010101 is offline
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Well we did it we had the talk. In hindsight my daughter is to smart for her own good. We bagan by talking about intriguing's bisexuality and how H felt about that. Then had to explain what manogamy was, by the time we got to the Poly term. she asked if L was our girlfriend. we said yes, her response was "ok can you guys keep it down at night" both my ladies are a little loud, "screamers" you might say. anyway H asked if she could get to know L on a one to one basis and there going to shoot pool on tuesday. she seems to be accepting of the situation. sometimes i have to ask my self how i managed to get such a great kid, seems like intriguing and I were worried for nothing. We'll keep posting if anything changes.

one last thought, This site has been such a great help and source of inspiration. I just want to say thanks to all.
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  #219  
Old 01-23-2011, 08:45 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Congrats.
Aren't kids great?
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  #220  
Old 01-24-2011, 02:49 PM
Vivien Vivien is offline
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Sounds like it went well, illusion! I love how self-aware and able to communicate needs your kid sounds.
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