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  #161  
Old 12-21-2010, 10:46 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Athena View Post
and even so, given how tough it was to be an only child, I seriously think he would benefit from one or two sibs, although age, meds and fertility issues may make us parents of a singleton in the end...
Once kids start school or you watch them with a group of other kids, it isn't hard to tell which ones don't have any siblings (even if they have been in daycare). I think once they are adults, things tend to even out. It really doesn't matter as long as the parents are invested (may mean regular play dates and living in a neighborhood with other young children).
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  #162  
Old 12-22-2010, 06:47 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Default Why Have Children

I've read through the Child-Free thread, and decided to start one for those of us who want to have kids. I don't have any kids at the moment, but I plan on one or two at some point in the future (fingers crossed, after graduate school).

Why I want to have children: I think one of the primary reasons goes back to how I think about changing the world. I firmly believe that the primary way to make the world a better place is by one's own day to day actions, making good choices and treating others well. To me, having and raising a child is one way to make a significant contribution to the world by influencing someone else to keep making it a better place after I'm gone. It also gives me a chance to make that child's world a better place. Sure, I know I'll make mistakes - from what I've seen, it's impossible to have a child and not make mistakes. And there are definitely other, very significant, ways to make the world a better place while never having a child. This is simply one that feels very personal and productive to me.

I also think I will really value the experience of bonding to my child and watching him or her grow into his or her own person - someone related to and yet in other ways completely different from me. I have a lot of younger siblings, and I've really enjoyed that experience from a sibling perspective as well.

Finally, I do think there's some biological urge / social programming in there. Doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad, just that it exists.

What are your reasons for wanting / having children? If you already have kid(s), what do you feel has been most significant to you about that choice and that journey?
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  #163  
Old 12-22-2010, 07:22 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Well, this will be an interesting topic

I have three children, my eldest will graduate high school next year, the youngest is still in primary.

I did not plan to have any of mine - except for the middle... the other two were definitely unplanned.

Despite everything my children have been put through, everything they have had to contend with. I can see my own influence still working on them, I see it in the way they think for themselves... I see it in the way they will, in the middle of their own funk, surprise someone they care about by doing a gesture of love for them, making others smile when they are down...
I see it how they question their own beliefs, and the beliefs of others, and do so mostly respectfully (they are still kids ) I see it in how they are respectful of other's opinions and thoughts, and in how they are healing each other from the hurt they have been through, despite that a couple of years ago they blamed each other.

I see it how they learn from the mistakes I have made throughout their lives - and choose for themselves to do better, to be different... I am so proud of my children, they make MY world better... hopefully they make everyone else's better too.

They still fight and squabble, and be selfish and miserable to each other - but when I step back - they are building a beautiful thing together... and I know that my strength and determination for them to have that... that is what is giving them the push to do it...

As much as I feel shame and guilt for the hardships they suffered, I am so very proud of helping them start to heal, helping them build their strengths back, and so very proud to stand back and say - these are my children... beautiful through and through...incredible people they are they give me strength and courage, just as I give them a springboard to explore the world from, and a safe place to rest

LOL - hopefully that rambling answered the question somewhat - very hard to answer, as my answer is a 'feeling', a 'knowing' in myself that it is good and right... it just IS.
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  #164  
Old 12-22-2010, 07:43 PM
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I got so wrapped up in why I want to have kids that I forgot to ask: How does it relate to your choice to be poly? How does it enrich / make more difficult your poly life?

For me, the choices are related - part of why I choose to be poly is because I'm coming to believe that the more love and bonding there is to share, the better the world is and the better my life is, and monogamy isn't a restriction that I would want to come in the way of that. I can see how poly may very well become more difficult with children. My extended family would by no means approve of poly if they knew, and I'd like my children to know their grandparents, so... I'll have to take things as they come, but I do think that part will be more difficult. On the other hand, I can imagine that child rearing will be enriched with more caring adults around.
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  #165  
Old 12-22-2010, 08:04 PM
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I am unsure as to how my children would react (if I ever got something happening )... my eldest would likely not take it well, my youngest would probably think it awesome, confusing but awesome (more pressies you see... no seriously more attention ), and the middle would likely be confused but accepting... she has her own things she is sorting through in regards to her sexuality so maybe it would go over her head...

i am quite stubborn and would expect my relatives (immediate family) to be understanding or to hold their tongues - thats just how my family works... not always a good thing but it works, mostly.

I would see as an opportunity to give my children the experience that its okay to be different, that they can choose the way they want to live and they will still be accepted by their family, its easy to say its okay - its another thing to immerse yourself in it and experience it... there is no better teacher than experience

LOL - yet another rambled response - sorry about that - I had never really thought specifically about what value the children would receive from it - other than extra adult(s) and support...

Make more difficult - custody issues...
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  #166  
Old 12-22-2010, 08:13 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Great topic, great reasons to have children.


I am a mother of 4.

I also love children. I love raising them, and watching them develop, and seeing their interactions and their views of the world. I love debate and discussion and offering them a soft place to fall.

I love the crap moments too. Children have taught me as much, as I have taught them.


Poly can have benefits and restrictions. I just said on another thread I don`t care to 'come out" to anyone , or throw my poly in my families face. I have made the decision to be fairly private, but not live like I commit some shameful act.

I would like my trusted poly partners to be around my children, as I think the old adage about it taking a village to raise a child, is true. We dont live in a world anymore, where you can trust your neighbour down the street to call you and tell you if your child is in trouble.

Poly can fill that void, in a round-about way.

On the other hand, I dont care to have my childrens' childhood be centred around my poly lifestyle, via their interactions and overhearing of family members. If shit ever did hit the fan, I would deal. I think its my job to show my children that what I am, and do, is private, but NOT shameful.


With children come sacrifices and choices. Many of which, we are more then happy to do.
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  #167  
Old 12-22-2010, 08:28 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Having children was always a given for me, though if things had gone as planned I'd have a 1 year old now instead of a 9 year old. lol. Though some miscommunication between my different doctor's offices, I was put on a combination of medications that negated my birth control. Having more children has been off the table for a few years now. Early on our son's health problems and subsequent surgeries put having a second child on hold, then we just plain couldn't support another child, and now I don't think my joints could handle the strain.

As for how poly affects our son (and our partners' son); it doesn't much, because they don't know that their parents are anything more than best friends. I'd say that their son has had a bigger adjustment, but that's just because his mom is starting to be a bit more social outside their immediate family and that means that she's leaving him home more often. Infact, last weekend was the first time he's ever been left home w/o adult supervision (he's a teenager) and that was so our quad could go to see Tron: Legacy.
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  #168  
Old 12-22-2010, 08:28 PM
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Well said SourGirl
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  #169  
Old 12-22-2010, 09:58 PM
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Wanting kids is a new thing for me. I had been....indifferent to rugrats until a few years ago. I have since "wanted" kids but had no real inclination to putting in the work.

Meeting sourgirls children and see how she parents and how the children "are" inspired me in a lot of ways. Really pushed me to be more conscious of wanting kids.

At this stage, my wife and I are looking at the steps to make it possible. With the medications she is on, this is a big job to get this going. But I/We are finally motivated to make it a reality.

As for having kids and being out. Not sure, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
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  #170  
Old 12-22-2010, 10:07 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I have 4 and my Godson.
All of the kids know we're poly.
I don't think any of them care, but there isn't a lot of drama about it either.

I've always been a "take me as I am or go away" kind of person. We don't throw poly in people's faces, for example, I have a friend whose a Deacon in the Episcopal church. Sexual behavior to her is meant to be in the bedroom between husband and wife. She knows I don't feel that way-but I don't go about doing things that make her uncomfortable and she doesn't impose her rules on me either, so if I want a sexually charged kiss goodbye from GG while she's here, I take it to the front entry. Not in her face, not missing out either.

At the same time, we don't hide it from the kids. It would be a nightmare to try to. Our oldest has always known I was poly-even before we knew the word. That's just me.

The younger ones we explained things to last September when I "came out" and decided to put everything on the front burner.

I couldn't live poly and keep it a secret from my kids. To me it would be a contradiction of what I believe. If it's that important to me, then whose to say it won't be to them? They deserve to know it's ok to be whoever they are, poly, mono, straight, gay, bi etc.
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