Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #141  
Old 05-20-2010, 06:55 AM
May May is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Europe
Posts: 14
Default

Thanks for your assurance, LovingRadiance

I am also quite confident that we are able to go on being honest to ourselves, each other and the children, so, though they will notice their family is different, they won't be bothered about the situation. In fact I grew up in a similar, poly-like family situation and I can't say it did me any harm nor did I ever feel ashamed about it. Quite the opposite: the way my parents handle their relationship and the relationships to others (lovers and friends) always impressed me and I must say I am really proud I grew up in such a cool family. I have some hope that our children think the same one day (even if they might not admit it to us ).
__________________
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." - J. W. Lennon
Reply With Quote
  #142  
Old 06-04-2010, 09:16 PM
Celest Celest is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Midlands
Posts: 4
Default Children

polyamoury suits me fine. I like it, I like the ideals, the way it works and how happy I can be in this type of relationship.

one thing I can't settle with is children growing up in polyamoury relationships. I have a daughter, five years old who is used to being ina single-parent family.

I have a partner who although is unable to visit frequently, she has grown very attached to in a more parental way. He is in another relationship (no kids involved), and is very happy.

My daughter is aware and understanding of the two partners I have had over recent months and see's them as 'mummy's boyfriend'.

Not really looking for help on the matter -just don't really know how best to handle polyamoury where HER relationship with my partner/s is concerned.

So any previous experiences of your own would really jelp me to understand.

Thanks

celest
Reply With Quote
  #143  
Old 06-05-2010, 05:46 PM
Anne Anne is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 12
Default

Hi Celest,

when I started my "secondary" relationship with my boyfriend, I got pregnant from my husband a few months later. For me it was clear from the beginning that my boyfriend would be just another important person in my son´s life, so I asked him to be his godfather.

My son is one year old now, and we have all benefited a lot from the situation. My boyfriend helps us alot when he´s around, and enjoys being with the child.

So I think, if there are healthy relationships, there is a great chance to make a child´s world even richer, with more people caring for him or her in different ways (and, by the way, learning to be tolerant about the different kinds of people).

The only thing I ask myself is: How do they explain it at school/Kindergarten? Do you have experiences with situations like, your daughter mentions "mummy´s boyfriends", and you get some reactions to it?

Best wishes
Anne
__________________
* Every new love enlarges the heart *
Reply With Quote
  #144  
Old 06-05-2010, 08:01 PM
Celest Celest is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Midlands
Posts: 4
Default

hey there

Thanks for sharing your experience.

At the moment, I'm only in one relationship. My partner (who is in two relationships) has become quite close with my daughter. I think I have an issue with 'traditional' family in particular. My daughter was brought up by myself and her father (a monogomous relationship) until we split. So she's starting to see my boyfriend now as more of a fatherly figure to herself.

What worries me is beginning another relationship and her not 'knowing' or feeling she should 'choose' who to relate to in that way - I still feel she needs a secure family unit and won't know how when I do have another partner.

When it comes to school and stuff - well, they already have lots of questions about my lifestyle! So I don't tend to worry too much about that - just giggle at them instead :P
Reply With Quote
  #145  
Old 06-06-2010, 02:13 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

There are several posts where we have talked about this and other issues relating to kids. have you done a search and had a look around? I think that they might be helpful to you...

My story with Mono is an example. My boy is 7 and Mono came into our lives when he was 5. We have developed into a family of three adults and one child and my husband nerdist and I have other loves as well that have come and gone over that time. None of them have been seen by my boy as pivotal as Mono. They have been seen as family friends and that is worked out fine... mind you we are sure to not show affection around him in order to be respectful of that image in his mind.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #146  
Old 06-06-2010, 07:42 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,438
Default

I find it amusing how often we remind people to use the search feature.
Great feature by the way.

I have 4 kids. I'm also raising my Godson.

The kids are 18 1/2, 14, 13, 10, almost 3 respectively.
I've been in a poly family dynamic of one sort or another since the oldest was born though we never knew that term.

My husband and I have been OFFICIALLY poly with my boyfriend since last September.

The oldest is my child, the 14 yr old is my husbands, the 13 yr old is my Godson, the 10 year old is my husband and mine, the youngest child is biologically the child of my boyfriend and I. All of the kids know all of these details. Except the Godson who calls all of us adults by name, all of the kids call me "mom", they all call Maca "dad", they call GG by his given name and they call Em "auntie" or "mimi".

They are all WELL-aware of what Polyamory is (except the youngest who couldn't care less at this point). They are all happy, well-adjusted and very closely bonded with all four of us. They are secure and stable and SANE. They are well-behaved, responsible and well liked in the community. All in all these kids are "favorites" at friends homes because the parents are so impressed by how well adjusted and well behaved they are. They are favorites in extra curricular activities because the activity leaders know that they can ALWAYS count on adult support!

Our friends and their kids are also close with our family. Most of them are NOT poly famillies-but they accept our family AS IS and they all love to come over.

All in all-it's about how you deal with the kids. If it's "normal" for you-it's "normal" for them. If you treat it like there is something wrong with it-then they will too.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #147  
Old 06-06-2010, 07:51 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

In addition to all the poly people here who have kids and are doing an awesome job raising them in openly poly households, we also have a few members who were themselves raised in poly households who seem to be perfectly well-adjusted adults.

While I can't offer any personal experience, I can say with certainty that raising children in openly poly households does much more good than hiding it from them. Assuming you're practicing good communication and honesty, those skills and values will inevitably be passed on to your children, and nothing but good can come from that.

And of course, there's the fact that children thrive in loving situations, and the more love they have, the more they thrive. I also believe that children are much more resilient to change than grown-ups are, and we don't give them enough credit. The key is to explain what's going on and let them be heard, rather than making them into passive, powerless observers.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #148  
Old 06-06-2010, 06:58 PM
Breathesgirl's Avatar
Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 834
Default

Until recently my being poly hasn't really been an issue as I didn't really have anyone to introduce the kids to any way.

Breathes has had outside love interests whom the kids have met as friends and they have accepted that explanation at face value.

We met when my guys were nine so they haven't always had the poly lifestyle in their lives. They've become LESS uptight about having friends over, and about meeting our friends, the more comfortable they got and the more mature they became.

Possibility is shy about showing affection in front of my kids but I think that's more so they won't go back to their dad with stories that could hurt me than being afraid to show affection.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you give them age appropriate information when they ask & give them the tools to deal with this information only good can come of it.
Reply With Quote
  #149  
Old 07-15-2010, 07:32 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,639
Default

not child free, but when my boy is away and it's just us?... I totally see how easy it could be eaiser!

One day. He's seven now... that leaves at least 10 plus years before he may move out?? *sigh*
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #150  
Old 09-04-2010, 04:09 AM
Lemondrop's Avatar
Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305
Default

I love this thread and think it's worth bumping.

Also, early on in this thread I had mentioned that I was in a quad situation and three of our children were attending school together, and someone asked me to keep them updated. Well, a year later... (I'm sorry!!!)...

The school year went fine. Teachers were notoriously unable to tell who was whose mother, and so just grabbed whoever they found roaming the hallways. Because of this, I volunteered in a classroom that didn't belong to me...was asked to sign documents for a child that wasn't mine (I respectfully declined this)...and was constantly given updates on children who didn't biologically belong to me. At one point, Asha was out of town and her children's teachers expressed surprise that I had come home early. (Really sad when you consider that Asha is a blond and I'd been dying my hair red.) We attended school events together as a family, and at no point was there any question about who belonged to whom, nor were there any raised eyebrows over Easy having his arm around Asha or me hanging out and talking to Sunday every morning. Of course, we didn't do anything lascivious, but who would? I don't behave that way with Easy, either. Over all, our families were intertwined all year with no real comment from the teachers. I had a teacher ask me two or three times if Asha and I were sisters, to which I just replied, "Our families are very close" or "We're very close friends". No one ever asked more than that.

Funny thing is, my Monkey is going to a different school this year, but I went with Asha to pick up her kids a couple of weeks ago. At one point, I ran into one of the teachers who couldn't figure out who I was last year, and she *still* thought I was Asha. She even hugged me, and frankly, I don't think we've even been introduced.

Another funny moment...Asha and I were in the same homeschool co-op for years, TOGETHER. Yesterday, she had my Moose at a store and ran into another co-op member...who thought she was me and proceeded to ask her lots of questions about Moose and his school. We rarely bother to set people straight--it sometimes is just like having another you to step into your shoes and allow you to be in two places at once.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
acceptance, child protection, children, co-habitate, coming out, definitions, explaining poly, families, family, kids, parenting, primary, secondary, social services, telling, triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:30 PM.