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  #131  
Old 05-11-2010, 04:51 PM
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In Canada, therapists (and everyone else for that matter) are required by law to report cases of child abuse or endangerment to the MCFD (Ministry for Children and Families). So by the letter of the law, the therapist would be doing nothing wrong by reporting this "child endangerment" but obviously the therapist is forcing her own morality on a situation that she really doesn't know enough about. I think this law sucks in that it allows close minded people the protection of the law in situations like this.
This is similar in the US as well. Anyone can make a call to the DCFS (Department of Children & Family Services) and they will look into the allegations made by the caller. If they are found to be false, the "accused" has 10? days to request the caller's information in which they can actually sue the caller for making false accusations.

I agree with the previous postings, this therapist is making judgments about a situation she knows little to nothing about...the only problem is she is still just doing her job. *Puts hands up placatingly* Ok, not what people usually want to hear, but this is why it is important to find out about any therapist, counselor, shrink, etc. before seeing them AND to not only give certain information on the first visit but to GET information on that visit. Do not be afraid to ask a bunch of questions of this person who is supposed to get to know you and all of your secrets. Ask them how they feel about alternative relationships, and you can then list a bunch of different types without giving away your own situation. Ask them how they feel about religion and how it plays in their working opinions. If the therapist gives vague answers or in any way makes you uncomfortable with their answers, thank them for their time and find someone else.

To the hidden OP, I really hope that this therapist doesn't go through with her threats, but be prepared if she does. And just remember, if the allegations are found to be false, see if there is any way to file charges for false accusations or not. The purpose would be to get a "refund" for any court costs, etc. if applicable. (Not sure on how the court system works up there, but that's how it would work down here.) I wish you the best of luck and courage.
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  #132  
Old 05-11-2010, 09:53 PM
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Unfortunately it really does depend on the laws where you are living what can and can't be used against you.

I know that where I live all calls to children's services are confidential no matter what. That resulted in years of being investigated over and over again while my husband was fighting for custody of his son.
NOW we know for certain (because of her own admission) that those calls were all from his ex. They were also all b.s.

The irony to this specific scenario is that she was alleging abuse/neglect of her son for a variety of reasons. More than once she brought up GG living in our home and my sister as well.

That particular detail was of NO INTEREST to the children's services investigators. They didn't give a DAMN who was sleeping with who or where. What they cared about was who cared for the children, what were they fed, how were they disciplined etc. They were adamant that unless there was a belief that sex was happening in front of or with the children, they were NOT interested in the sexual activities of the adults in the household.

BUT-that's where WE live.
Not everywhere.
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  #133  
Old 05-11-2010, 10:14 PM
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Sounds like you had some decent workers checking out your case. Just like with the therapist, the case workers can put their own beliefs and morals on their decisions, lawful or not. But sometimes you get the one person who actually is more interested in following the rules of the job and not the rules of their own church (etc.). Someone who realizes that not every family is the same but as long as the children or not neglected or abused, then there are no grounds for removal.
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  #134  
Old 05-11-2010, 10:15 PM
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so i ask this....is it wrong?
Is what wrong? It's really dependent upon who you ask, regardless of exactly what you are asking about. Different people have different ideas of right and wrong.

Quote:
for the sake of the children are we forced to keep our polyamourous selves closet form our own children?
This is a question no one can really answer for you. For me-there is no way I would even try. BUT-I have assessed the risk WHERE I LIVE and concluded that the risk is worth the honesty with my children.
We're moving-and the area we're talking about moving to actually has more current laws AGAINST poly-type relationships. We may have to look a little deeper into moving there because of this.
Without knowing the PRECISE laws where you live, it would be impossible to help you assess the level of risk for you specifically.

Quote:
does polyamoury foster an environment which is not healthy?
Define healthy? See again-this is something that different people have differeing ideas on. For example-I really feel that the HEALTHIEST eating habits would be vegan/whole/fresh/raw foods. I don't actually eat that way-more and more each year, but not there yet.
BUT-my family would argue (and have) til they are blue that I am just being ridiculous because there is nothing unhealthy about eating meat/dairy/cooked foods.


Quote:
has anybody else encountered these issues?
Exact issue-no. Similar-yes. Many people have-and I am one.

It sucks-you are welcome to PM me-whoever you are, or you can PM through Mono. I believe that he and/or RP would be happy to tell you whoever you are that I am not one who you need worry about.
The hardest part of being a parent is having to make tough decisions that are "which is more wrong" type decisions.

BIG HUGS to you.
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  #135  
Old 05-12-2010, 04:02 AM
drgnsyr drgnsyr is offline
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Default I wish I could get people to think past their biases

What you have described here is exactly why my boyfriend won't talk to the therapist/social worker at the VA. It's a licensed psychologist or nothing.

I know you're not going back, but I would love to hear how she might have replied to the following questions:

Do you feel that a household in which the parents have divorced and remarried is inherently unhealthy for the children and that they should be removed from it? Even though the children are aware that their father and mother are in love (and or sleeping with) people other than each other?

Do you feel that a household in which one or more parents is single and dating is inherently unhealthy for the children and that the children should be removed from their dating parent? Even though the child is aware that their parent is seeing prospective partners - perhaps even more than one?

Do you feel that a household in which a parent is married and remarried several times is inherently unhealthy and that the child should be removed from the situation? Even though the child is aware that their parent has loved many people over the course of his or her lifetime and that the other adult figures in their life have changed more than once?

Do you feel that having had an affair should disqualify you from having custody of your children in the event of a divorce? Do you feel that if one parent or the other has an affair and the parents choose not to get divorced, that their children should then be taken from them?

Do you feel that it is healthier for a child to grow up knowing that their parent's love is lasting and permanent (even if they also love other people) or for their parents to split up if one of them sleeps around or they fall for someone else?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is possible that being raised in a poly household could have a negative affect on a child. If the other children in their life make fun of them for it, if they are social outcast because of it, if they feel like a freak. But these are effects of their surrounding environment, not of the household itself. Being Jewish in a Southern Baptist town, or white in a black neighborhood, or first generation American could all also cause the same scars. I personally feel that hiding your lifestyle from your children makes them more likely to view it as something shameful or embarrassing, but I'm just going off what makes sense to me. I haven't extensively studied child development or anything.
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  #136  
Old 05-12-2010, 01:32 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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In MY opinion, a child living in a poly household would only be "damaging" to the childs mental health or development, is if you hold them to traditional standards. Where in a "normal" family is one father, one mother, both living monogamously underone roof, and have never had an affair, etc etc etc. Basically, the Cleavers. Unfortunatly, we all know this just is not the "norm" in todays society. So, I ask; what is the "norm"? I further ask; WHO defines the "norm"? And further ask; what makes them the standing authority? What are their credentials and what medical proof do they have that shows that a child living in an openly poly famil is damaging to the childs mental or social health?
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  #137  
Old 05-12-2010, 04:09 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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..........back

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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
.............
so i ask this....is it wrong? for the sake of the children are we forced to keep our polyamourous selves closet form our own children? does polyamoury foster an environment which is not healthy?
So this was the central question..........

being pretty much a relativist I'm a poor one to connect with right & wrong in any absolute sense. Each situation is unique and what's best and how it's approached has to fit accordingly.

Almost the same thing with "healthy". Define "healthy" ? Hard to see black & whites there also.

Like the examples you gave with gay parents etc, SO much depends on how you can explain that your parents are DIFFERENT than many others. How can you explain that where it's understood as a positive rather than a negative ? And how prepared are to you (ability and effort) to support those children with love and substance when they may become exposed to the almost inevitable attacks from the "mainstream".

The same concerns and methods come into play whenever parents adopt a belief system outside the mainstream. Be it religious, political, social etc etc. They need tools to be individual thinkers, thick skinned and a chance to see honesty & integrity around them and to live that way themselves.

That's the kind of stuff that you need to be "healthy"............

GS
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  #138  
Old 05-12-2010, 05:31 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by drgnsyr View Post
Do you feel that a household in which the parents have divorced and remarried is inherently unhealthy for the children and that they should be removed from it? Even though the children are aware that their father and mother are in love (and or sleeping with) people other than each other?

Do you feel that a household in which one or more parents is single and dating is inherently unhealthy for the children and that the children should be removed from their dating parent? Even though the child is aware that their parent is seeing prospective partners - perhaps even more than one?

Do you feel that a household in which a parent is married and remarried several times is inherently unhealthy and that the child should be removed from the situation? Even though the child is aware that their parent has loved many people over the course of his or her lifetime and that the other adult figures in their life have changed more than once?

Do you feel that having had an affair should disqualify you from having custody of your children in the event of a divorce? Do you feel that if one parent or the other has an affair and the parents choose not to get divorced, that their children should then be taken from them?

Do you feel that it is healthier for a child to grow up knowing that their parent's love is lasting and permanent (even if they also love other people) or for their parents to split up if one of them sleeps around or they fall for someone else?
These are great questions! They would be useful for anyone who questions about whether poly is a healthy environment. Thank you for putting these up.
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  #139  
Old 05-19-2010, 07:40 AM
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Yes, thanks for the questions, drgnsyr. Logically, from that therapist's point of view, there'd be a lot of children better removed from their biological parents then...

I can't say that our children suffer in any way from living with three parents. Quite the contrary: it really seems they feel more relaxed and happy when all of us are around (which is not always possible), probably because we are more relaxed and have more time to spend with them. There'll probably be a time (when they reach puberty for instance) when they might be embarrassed about it somehow (but at that time you're embarrassed about anything your parents do), so there'll definitely be problems we have to face (but parents always do). But I don't see how this should harm them, provided that we do our homework and go on living our lifestyle and talk to them about it when they ask for it.
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  #140  
Old 05-19-2010, 05:23 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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May-
It's possible that as teens they will be embarrased, but it's quite possible that they won't care as well.
I have four kids-18,14,10,3. They all know. As does my godson who is 13 and the other two girls who lived here, 17,18, and my daughters friends all know-including the 17 year old boy I always tell everyone is just AMAZING in his working understanding of relationships, love and life. Not a one cared. Not a single one.
They all come over and hang out by choice. They are all comfortable with ANY of us and they all enjoy the company of any of us.
In fact it's not unusual for them to take one or another of us out with them when they go to the movies or on dates with friends.
When a child grows up with something as "normal" to them-they don't tend to stop seeing it as normal.
Now-knowing WHAT you do sexually-I've NEVER met a teen that didn't think the idea of their parents DOING sex was gross and didn't want to hear about it.
But not because of WHAT or WHO they are doing it with as much as NOT wanting to think of THEIR PARENTS in a sexual way.
So much of a teens thoughts are sexually based, but they instinctually understand that their parents don't belong in that section of their mind.
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