Children and Polyamory

[CielDuMatin]

I agree, GS, this topic is a really good one. I know of one poly family with kids that are "in the know" - two of them are already members here, so I hope they will weigh in with their own experiences.

Maybe a mod could move this to the General Discussion board where it might be more visible, since this really is a relevant topic to poly....

[Rarechild]

Good suggestion, Ciel.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by Rarechild

Good suggestion, Ciel.

Rarechild,

Do you customarily notify an OP when you move a thread via PM or some other method ?
Just asking in case a poster was new and not well skilled yet in navigating forums and tracking down things. They might go back looking for their post and think it deleted or lost. Be a shame.

Thanks,

GS

[LovingRadiance]

We have 4 children. 18, 13,10 (in a couple days) and 2.5 years respectively.
Three of them live with us-the 13 year old does not. He's "in care" for psychological issues. The three who live with us know (obviously the 2 year old doesnt know all the terms, the other two do).
Prior to coming out "poly" all 4 kids were very well acquainted with GG as he's been in my life since the oldest was 18 months old. They've grown up with him as a close family member (the older 3 often referred to him as uncle).
When we came out-it was just a relief to the oldest. She had grown up seeing GG and I around one another. At 18 she was old enough to understand love, and she knows the "signs" when she see's them. So seeing us look at one another-even if no words were spoken and we didn't touch-was enough for her to know we loved each other deeply. It was easier when it was all "up and up" with Maca (her stepdad, but she claims him as just dad) because she didn't have to wonder if she was doing something wrong by not saying something even though she SAW the emotions. (Maca knew-it just wasn't talked about openly before).

The 10 yr old was struggling with "honesty" versus "lying" shortly after we decided on poly. He went to tears telling me he didn't "lie" to daddy-but he didn't talk to him because he was scared daddy wouldn't love him anymore if he told him (some stuff about needing more time with him-nothing significant in the BIG scheme, but to him it was HORRIBLY significant). I used that opportunity to tell him about how I had to tell daddy I was poly (which required explaining poly/mono).
His reaction was "well if polyamory means loving more than one person and monogomous means you only love one person then it's stupid for people to have a problem with polyamory because God said we are supposed to love everyone equally." (he's the conservative "bible thumper" in the family) He proceeded to recite a verse from the Bible to me about Loving others as Christ loved the church blah blah and explaining what he feels that means etc.
Suffice it to say-he has no issue.
In fact the other night we were playing Balderdash. One of the words was something including "poly" and "pic" in it (don't recall the exact word) he wrote the definition as "taking a picture of a polyamorous family on a car trip".
Yes he spelled polyamorous correctly on his paper.
We were stunned. He pays attention AND he's totally cool with it.

The baby knows that mommy and daddy go to bed together, and that mommy is in GG's bed when she wakes up in the morning-and she comes to get me there.
They see me kiss GG and daddy hello when they get home from work, goodbye when they leave. They see me curl up and snuggle with either of them and they are AWARE (though obviously not welcome to SEE) that I take a bath with daddy to talk most evenings and a shower with daddy before bed, as well as taking a shower with GG a few times a week.

So-for me as an adult-I think it's better all around for the kids to know (the 13 year old will know when he's psychologically stable enough to be home again).

BUT-as a 14-current age daughter-I don't give a HOOT what my parents do with their sex lives and I'm not interested in hearing about it.
I know that they are each married and love their spouses. I know my stepmother tends to a poly nature.. but if they have lovers, no idea.
No one lives with them, but if someone did-I wouldn't care.

My little sister is 16. I'm teaching her health right now, I picked up the book suggested on another thread from the scarleteen website for her. She is DEAD SET on NOT knowing ANYTHING about her parents sex life. She will talk to me about relationships and sex IN GENERAL, but specific examples of types of relationships people in her family have-grosses her out.
She did not freak out yesterday though when GG kissed me full on the mouth before work-she was sitting next to me on the couch and she's comfortable hanging out with GG and Maca and I.


To the OP-I think you might consider the post about maybe he is too busy to care. Don't try to "hide" from him, maybe just don't shove it down his throat either?

If he ASKED I would certainly not lie. That would be damaging to YOUR relationship with him. But if it's just about him knowing-let him know by life experience maybe. If he see's you with one of the others doing something that could be questioned-just look him in the eye and tell him, " all (four?) of you are aware of the dynamics and happy with them, but if he has questions you don't mind elaborating, just don't want to fill his ears with info he doesn't want about you." or something along those lines...

GS-so what do you think-would it be fostering marginalization of youth in general (not poly specifically) to blatantly hide the truth of our lifestyle from them?
I don't have an opinion on it yet... just a question that popped into my head.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

GS-so what do you think-would it be fostering marginalization of youth in general (not poly specifically) to blatantly hide the truth of our lifestyle from them?
I don't have an opinion on it yet... just a question that popped into my head.

LR,
I don't want to see this thread diverge so will (if even possible) comment either on the Marginal thread or PM.

[LovingRadiance]

Oh, please Pm.
Thanks!!


(SORRY OP!!)

Please give us more thoughts on your situation!! I'd love to hear about it.

[constlady]

I have 3 grown children (21-28) and custody of 4 grandchildren (3-11) and all know, to the extent of their understanding, how mom/gramma loves.

I am blessed because all of the kids adore R and rosevett and the rest of the extended family.

My kids were a bit hesitant at first and I found out later it was because R wears a ring and they thought he was cheating.
Once that was cleared up, they have been very matter of fact about the whole situation.
My youngest daughter describes it like this: My mom's boyfriend has another girlfriend who has another boyfriend and they all hang out together

The younger kids know everyone as family; the oldest granddaughter caught on very quickly the first time we went to R & rosevett's house for a visit.
I simply said that I know some people think that you should only have one boyfriend or girlfriend at a time but that we didn't feel that way.
We love each other and are happy with the way things are.
She has been fine with it ever since.

I am who I am and I can't imagine trying to hide any part of that from my kids.

They know I'm bi, they know I'm poly and they know I love them fiercely.
They also know they can talk to me about anything and I know that works both ways for us.

[MonoVCPHG]

This incident was brought to me by a friend. It's definitely worrisome and hopefully there will be some words of support and wisdom to help alleviate their concerns. I'm posting to add a layer of protection for them.

Here it is:


I've just had the nasty experience of being told that polyamoury is "not conducive to a healthy environment for children to grow up in"
Guess who said this, my therapist who just so happens to be a social worker who also works for... child protection services.
I have only recently began seeing her, and after today will stop but long story short after hearing about polyamoury...she threatened to call child protection services on my ex.
she has no grounds for taking the kids away, but just the thought of the stress from a "visit" and an "investigation" has my heart pounding.
they couple in question have rules in place. they do not bring their dates home for one thing. two, i lived with them and i had no shows of real physical intimacy (beyond a hug) with my boyfriend in their house, so not even with the kids there. three the idea of a blended family was always with the understanding that it would be done when they were grown up or at least almost out of the house. and four, if they possibility arose to introduce the kids/tell kids about poly well then a councilor would become involved.
these all sound reasonable. and put the kids first... but this social worker thinks otherwise..she says the parents are "burdening" their children with polyamoury
and that is wrong.
so i ask this....is it wrong? for the sake of the children are we forced to keep our polyamourous selves closet form our own children? does polyamoury foster an environment which is not healthy? has anybody else encountered these issues?
fyi: i am looking for a new therapist. they aren't supposed to have boast opinions which force me to draw their conclusions. i am supposed to be able to craw my own conclusions as long as they are not harmful to me or my kids... i mean, 20 years ago it was not "healthy" to have a homosexual couple raising children so where does this idiot get off telling me this?

[Quath]

I think it is easy for people to people to show off their prejudice for something different from they are use to. I have never seen anything to show that polyamory hurts the children. But truthfully, there is very little research at all. But that does not stop a social worker from assuming that it must.

My guess is that kids are not harmed unless they constantly are losing adult figured in their life. I think they may get a bigger benefit if more adults watch over them and care for them. Plus I think it is neutral for the parents that hide it from the kids.

I agree with avoiding the therapist. It sounds like they are being too judgemental without evidence. You don't need that in your life.

[Mohegan]

I cannot even begin to tell you how angry that makes me. I have worked with children most of my life and have several certifications in child development, child protection, noticing abuse/neglect, etc. If the children are in a healthy environment, meaning their emotional and physical needs are being met. They are loved and cared for. Allowed to express feelings and ask questions. There is NOTHING wrong with them being around a poly relationship. And it sounds to me like the family takes a lot of steps to keep the kids from any emotional trama. In my opinion, depending on the emotional maturity of the child, they should be introduced to the poly lifestyle as early as possible. It may be even more tramatic to introduce them to it in adulthood. I could go on and on about this. But it boils down to the fact that there is nothing unhealthy about love. And showing a child how amazing it is to be able to love more than one person, and allowing a child to have a family that provides so much love for them to grow in, is truly good parenting. If the day ever comes that DH and I have children, our partners will be in their lives. We won't hide it from them at all. We wouldn't hide eachother from them right? Sounds silly but it's the same thing in my eyes. Granted we will need to be in a long term healthy relationship with this person before they come into my kids lives. I do not intend for my home to be a revolving door of people my kids will never see again. But I won't hide my lifestyle any more than I would hide my husband from them.


Sorry, I'll step off my soap box now. The well being of children and the fact that closed minds get in the way of actual health and well being, really gets to me.