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  #91  
Old 12-26-2009, 07:58 PM
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You are correct. I conveyed two concepts as though they were inter-dependent and of course they are not.
I was sure that you were conveying two concepts Ygirl-way too intelligent posting all together for it to be otherwise. I just figured it wouldn't hurt to clarify.

I think it's cool that we can all share differing thoughts/opinions/feelings across such a large spectrum and come at it from the same basic premises.

It's awesome to me that people can want a child or NOT want a child, (not to be confused with not want a child) and WANT a child, and can still ALL agree on the basic premises of how it should/should not be done.

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  #92  
Old 12-26-2009, 08:07 PM
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You know Ceoli-sometimes I think that people who chose to adopt from the onset are SO much smarter than those of us who went through labor and delivery!!
Having bio children, Godchildren (who I have raised-not that just lived somewhere else) and stepchildren, once I "fell in love" with them, they were my children, didn't matter whose body they bounced out of.
I used to wish I waited, now I count my blessings and tell the kids to wait for that stable content home where the child can be secure without EXTRA effort on one or more parents part!
GREAT choice on your part (opposed to good choice)!
I really think that while I thought making our own baby was easier.. it really wasn't. That labour and delivery thing and being pregnant I could of done without easily.

If I did it all again I would parent a child that was unable to be parented by it's bio parents... to me this is far more noble and more responsible to the world as a whole.

I guess another reason I had a bio child was because I knew it would be accepted more by my family... both sets of grandparents had issues and still do about adoption. In that respect it was easier to have our own too. No argument or life long struggles for the extended family to be able to bond.
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  #93  
Old 12-26-2009, 08:14 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post

It's awesome to me that people can want a child or NOT want a child, (not to be confused with not want a child) and WANT a child, and can still ALL agree on the basic premises of how it should/should not be done.

For the record, if someone else's kid was staying with me and it fell out of bed, I'd rush over to it and comfort it, too, because it's "the right thing to do" even if it's "not my cup of tea". (And sorry about calling a hypothetical kid "it", but that is easier than writing "he or she" over and over. If "it" was a specific kid, then I'd use their name or the personal pronoun.)
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  #94  
Old 12-26-2009, 08:34 PM
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I really think that while I thought making our own baby was easier.. it really wasn't. That labour and delivery thing and being pregnant I could of done without easily.

If I did it all again I would parent a child that was unable to be parented by it's bio parents... to me this is far more noble and more responsible to the world as a whole.

I guess another reason I had a bio child was because I knew it would be accepted more by my family... both sets of grandparents had issues and still do about adoption. In that respect it was easier to have our own too. No argument or life long struggles for the extended family to be able to bond.
RP I think it's pertinent to note-how much you must have grown from that moment of decision-to now. Because now your decisions are so much more based on your own desires and needs and not so much on your extended families desires (based on what I've learned about you reading on here!).
That's awesome.
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  #95  
Old 12-26-2009, 08:36 PM
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For the record, if someone else's kid was staying with me and it fell out of bed, I'd rush over to it and comfort it, too, because it's "the right thing to do" even if it's "not my cup of tea". (And sorry about calling a hypothetical kid "it", but that is easier than writing "he or she" over and over. If "it" was a specific kid, then I'd use their name or the personal pronoun.)
I get that. I hope you didn't think I was suggesting YOU weren't that kind of person!

I was just saying SOME people aren't like that. You know?

I watch it ALL of the time. People watch a child getting hurt, or screaming in terror lost or whatever and they just "mind their own business". I can't do it.
I also can't withhold my heart from a child, they need love, and instinctually-even when I don't want to, I give it.

In point of fact-I've started limiting myself from having ANY new friends with small children-because of this truth about myself... (sorry, off topic)
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:42 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I get that. I hope you didn't think I was suggesting YOU weren't that kind of person!
I didn't think you were suggesting that. However, sometimes folks who make a conscious decision to not become parents are perceived as lacking in empathy and/or compassion.

I would venture that there are also plenty of people who HAVE reproduced that are lacking in those two areas, and often in other areas as well.
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  #97  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:19 AM
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I didn't think you were suggesting that. However, sometimes folks who make a conscious decision to not become parents are perceived as lacking in empathy and/or compassion.

I would venture that there are also plenty of people who HAVE reproduced that are lacking in those two areas, and often in other areas as well.
I won't even venture-I will say emphatically that I have personally MET too many people who have reproduced that are SIGNIFICANTLY lacking in those two areas as well as other pertinent ones!
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  #98  
Old 12-27-2009, 05:40 AM
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It's funny .. I sort of skimmed this topic because I don't have kids, but then I realized that I do have some thoughts because my last b/f had children and it's possible that a future b/f might have children ... so it's relevant to my interests as the interwebz say.

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Originally Posted by ygirl
I do not want kids of my own, and if i were to become involved with someone who already has them, of course I'd hang out with the kids sometimes. However, I do not want to be in a parental / caretaker role in any way shape or form. If I were to become involved with someone who subsequently decided to procreate, not only would it sure as hell not be with me, but i expect that the birth of the new child would impose some distance between myself and my hypothetical paramour, if for no other reason than the "baby NRE", hectic schedule, and lifestyle adjustment(s) that come with it.
Yup. I couldn't have written it better.

My last b/f had 3 children. I was known to them as a friend of the family and they referred to me as "Miss Firstname" (a respectful method of addressing an adult family friend here in the South). I have babysat them before, I have been part of their family events, but I was not listed as a caretaker for them in official records, I wasn't listed as a contact in case of emergencies, etc. If anything had happened to my b/f and his wife, her family would have had care of the children, not me.

I don't dislike children, but I won't have any (at one point I wanted children badly, but that has passed, the opportunity is over, and at this point I am childfree by choice).

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But, if my husband suddenly wanted to go have a baby with someone else, it would definitely affect our relationship. When you bring an innocent human being into the world, that new person should become the parents' top priority to the exclusion of all else, and I'm not prepared to make that particular sacrifice in my "primary" relationship.
I agree with this as well, although I think it's highly unlikely that my H would want children now - with anyone.

Quote:
I say "primary" because first of all, we don't have anyone else at the moment, and even if we did, Steve and I have been together for 10 years and have a history, so it would take some time before another person would attain the history and experience in order to be another "primary". Therefore, anyone either of us would have as a boyfriend or girlfriend would be "secondary" by default. I don't mean this in an emotional way, but in a pragmatic way, and for lack of "better" terminology.
And just for clarification, this is also how I view my primary/secondary relationships.
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  #99  
Old 01-28-2010, 03:40 AM
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Default The child that doesn't know

My partners and I had an interesting discussion about children today. Our children range from ages 21-29, six children in total. All but one of our children are aware and accepting of our poly relationship. In all honesty it is our youngest, and my son who doesn't know about our relationship. The reason he doesn't know about our relationship, is frankly, he is too damn much like me.

He has the best of my ex-husband and the worst of me. From his dad he has charm, laughter, and an easy going manner. From me he has a dark side. That side that says I need my space, need to be alone to deal with things in my own way, and you're invading my personal space. In all honesty I have been afraid to tell him of our relationship. As it stands now, he cares for my partners and sees them as good people. I'm afraid if he knows what our real relationship is he will not want to know about their lives, or want to be a part of mine. I know it sounds cowardly, but I really don't know how to broach the subject with him, or if I really feel the need to do so. Sometimes it's simply a case of if it's not broken don't fix it.

My daughter is the complete opposite. She has gotten the best of both my ex-husband and myself. She has the same charm, easy going manner, and laughter that my son has from his dad. She also has tolerance, acceptance, and a questioning nature from me. It was so much easier to tell her of our relationship. I knew she might have questions but would never judge. She loves her other parents, because for her they truly are her other parents.

I oftentimes think I should tell him and live with the consequences. Of course on the other hand what if the consequences are something I'm not prepared to deal with? Should I leave it alone? Or gird my loines and have a frank conversation?

Any suggestions or comments would be welcome.
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  #100  
Old 02-04-2010, 06:31 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Im not a mom so i dont have too much experience but im 20 so I might be able to help. ask yourself these questions

D I think its important to tell him because I want to be honest and I feel that if I dont tell him I am essentially lying?

Do I think he aught to know just because the whole family is aware of it?

Is it possible he knows but never brings it up? This seems pretty typical of 1) a 21 year old guy. Another likely situation is that he doesnt know, and doesnt care to know because hes dealing with his own life

Maybe you can bring it up casually somehow. I am not sure.
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