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Old 01-06-2014, 02:20 PM
Nero101 Nero101 is offline
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Question Please help me to overcome jealousy

Hey,
I'm new to the forum but I've been meaning to join for a while, so hello everyone

I've always believed in Polyamory, and I am currently in a polyamorous relationship with a great girl, but I am, unfortunately, struggling to overcome certain jealousies, or more realistically, feelings of inadequacy.

To give you some background, I was in a straight-laced, very vanilla relationship for 3 and a half years, with a lovely girl- But I was bored. I got into the relationship young, as you do, and never ended it because the girl never gave me reason to. The fact was though, that the whole time I wanted to be Polyamorous (I never cheated on her, don't worry), not just for the freedom to sleep with other people, but to be free of mutual dependence in a relationship, because I always wanted to travel.

When I finally got the balls to end things with this girl, I slept around a little bit, and then ended up in a casual, polyamorous relationship with a girl I met. She's an awesome girl, loads of fun, very intelligent, and like me, believes in Polyamory. We saw each other for about 8 months casually before I began travelling. I spent nine months travelling, in which time we both slept with other people, but maintained contact (though we did not go into detail about who we'd slept with). When I came back, we resumed seeing eachother, and I am really enjoying it, and she is too.

Since my return, we talked about people we slept with whilst I was away. She slept with 4 guys and 1 girl. There's just one thing- One of these experiences was a threesome (two girls, one guy), which is something we had always wanted to do but never got around to.

I knew she'd sleep with other guys whilst I was away, and it has never made me jealous, but the fact she had a threesome actually really does. I hate that it makes me jealous, because I am not a naturally jealous person.

Unfortunately, I am still quite young, and when you're raised with 'traditional' values of monogamy and such, it is hard to evolve passed the concept of ownership we place on people. I also attribute part of my jealousy to the fact that my ex-girlfriend was so totally dedicated to me that she would do almost anything I said, and only ever had eyes for me. It's a total curse because I just don't want to feel jealous. I've spoken to her about it, and I've told her it made me jealous, and she told me all sorts of things to reassure me, but I don't want to rely on reassurance, I just do not want to be jealous. I really have no right to be either- when I was travelling, I slept with 25 women. She has expressed a little jealousy, but not the same amount that I have.

I really don't want to be jealous and insecure, I'm actually incredibly confident and laid back. I just want to evolve passed this.

I know that I'm the best sex she's ever had. I know that she cares about me more than anyone else, and I know that I have a great girl, who enriches my life massively, and I hers. But, I want to know that if none of the above things were true, I could still see her and not be jealous about it.

Sorry if that was very long-winded, but can anybody help me here? I really want to grow out of these juvenile insecurities and jealousies.

Thank you.
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  #2  
Old 01-06-2014, 02:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are upset.

Quote:
Since my return, we talked about people we slept with whilst I was away. She slept with 4 guys and 1 girl. There's just one thing- One of these experiences was a threesome (two girls, one guy), which is something we had always wanted to do but never got around to.
This sounds like ENVY rather than jealousy.
envy: You wish you had something she has. (The threesome experience. )
jealousy: Fearful you will be replaced or lose position/favor
Quote:
I've told her it made me jealous, and she told me all sorts of things to reassure me, but I don't want to rely on reassurance, I just do not want to be jealous.
Could be reframed as
"I've told her learning about her threesome experience made me envious because I wish I had a threesome experience. She told me all sorts of things to reassure me, but I don't want to rely on her reassurance. I just do not want to be envious."
Rather than fight it? Could just be ok being envious right now. Feelings are like internal weather -- they come and go. Some are yummy to feel like sunny days, some are yucky to feel like stormy skies. So what?

They blow on through if you let them and some other feeling comes along to replace it. Your sense of emotion helps guide your behavior if you listen and let it. Don't like how you feel? Do a new behavior. See if you feel better in time.

If you are doing thinking behavior right now that upsets you... think something else.

When you express your feelings and she reassures you? And you do not want to be reassured by her? Who would you like to be reassured by? You?
Could do some self reassuring then as your new behavior. And talk BACK to "the voice" that is bugging you in your thoughts.

Quote:
I know that I'm the best sex she's ever had. I know that she cares about me more than anyone else, and I know that I have a great girl, who enriches my life massively, and I hers. But, I want to know that if none of the above things were true, I could still see her and not be jealous about it.
Could stop "what iffing" yourself into a tizzy and focusing on things that are not here, not knowable, and your "envy" feelings.

Those things are true and here You cannot skip to a parallel universe, nobody has that ability. So could stop putting energy in that bucket and what iffing things that are not here.

Instead, could focus on what you ACTUALLY HAVE here. All the stuff in blue. And you could still see her. Where is the problem? It seems to be your thinking behavior, because that is causing you upset feelings. So quit upsetting your own self if you wish to be free of upset. What you focus on you get more of. The person keeping you on the "envy merry-go-round" is not her, but YOU with your thinking behavior. If you keep filling your head with envy thoughts -- how does this help you leave the envy merry go round?

You are not your feelings. You are not your thoughts. You are the person doing the feeling and thinking behavior.

When these thoughts pop up unbidden... Have you tried reassuring yourself?
"Yeah, I wish I had a threesome experience too at this point in time. But at this time I don't. It it what it is. Rather than going on about not having it yet, I could focus on what I DO have at this time -- the polyshipping experience I always wanted!

Maybe the threesome experience will come later in life for me too -- life is long. I can be patient. So shut up in there -- stop yammering on. I have other things I could be doing than play envy merry-go-round right now."
Then go DO something else. Exercise. Read a book. Spend time thinking something else on PURPOSE like your bills. Expect that it will take a lot of "head reboots" at first but give you time. Today maybe you have to reboot your head 10 times. Tomorrow, maybe 8. Then 6. Then less and less. But you could be encouraging yourself to move forward rather than keeping you in the stuck.

I would start here:
Quote:
Sorry if that was very long-winded, but can anybody help me here? I really want to grow out of these juvenile insecurities and jealousies.
I would start there. Could stop calling your envy feelings "juvenile." They are what they are -- envy feelings. Part of the collection of the "less fun things to feel" emotions. Not all feelings are going to be the "sunny days" type like "happy, excited, joyful." You experiencing some envy isn't going to kill you, doesn't make you juvenile or less adult. It is just a feeling! Could weather it out like an adult.

If you were feeling envy and you threw all your toys around as your next behavior -- ok, that would be juvenile behavior in response to some feelings.
But the feelings themselves? It's just internal weather dude. What did you do? You talked to your GF and your sought support online. Both adult behaviors, not juvenile ones. Could give yourself a pat on the back for your behavior done so far.

It's not juvenile to have some feelings. We all have them. Some are fun to feel, some are not. But they blow on through. Rather than resisting feeling whatever? Could accept this is stormy skies time.

Accept it, reassure yourself if thoughts pop up, and wait for the internal weather to clear over time.

When you are feeling stable again, if you still want to threesome one day, you could seek partners to threesome with. Maybe your GF is one of them. Y'all could sort that out AFTER you are calmer/more stable and past the envy weather.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-06-2014 at 04:42 PM.
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  #3  
Old 01-06-2014, 03:22 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Agree with Galagirl, this is more about envy than jealousy. But you also have to understand what jealousy really is....it's never about one thing, it's a mix of emotions we CALL "jealousy," in order to make sense of it.

In this case, I wouldn't say you were jealous of the people she slept with (which is what you seem to think and hence are feeling guilty about). I think this is merely about feeling "left out." Missing out on an experience.

When that happens to me, I realize that, with all people living their own lives, as well as with me-- I Can't Be Everywhere At Once. You spent nine months travelling??? Wow. That's pretty cool. I bet you that you had experiences that she never had before. Would you have given them up in order to be around her all the time, and have been part of that threesome (well, group sex)? Probably not.

Now, that's not to say it's not natural to have felt left out of that anyway, but it's not particularly fair to make her feel bad about it. It's too late to keep that to yourself. You've already told her, and being the incredible girlfriend she is, instead of saying, "Wtf, I was totally happy for your trip, and you get mad cause I have fun, too?" she REASSURES you.

So, whatever, we're human, we make mistakes. My advice is to drop it, though, or you may burn through the patience she has left Also, if you really want that threesome, well, she's shown she's up for it....why not put some effort into it and make it happen for the two of you and a friend?
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