Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 04-28-2011, 10:04 AM
BlackUnicorn's Avatar
BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 906
Default

Blah, that's sad, and I can totally relate.

Right now, I have a metamour-with-benefits arrangement with Mr. Sweets, and I do love and care for him. Just not romantically - at least yet. We do have an independent relationship with him and I'm not saying passionate love will never manifest on my side, but I just might be a little too gay to be romantically involved with two guys at the same time (cf. with Sweetheart).

But the beauty of poly, or some of it at least, is that there are so many kinds of love, some of which escape definitions.
__________________
Me: bi female in my twenties
Dating: Moonlightrunner
Metamour: Windflower
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 06-28-2012, 05:09 PM
Jaynine Jaynine is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 36
Default Also new

I've been in a relationship with another couple now for a year, living with them. We are FFM. They were married for 15 years before meeting me, but they had done some swinging. I broke up with my husband of 20 years, and up until then hadnt been with another woman. Our relationship is closed. This past year has been amazing but also so so hard emotionally. Ive nearly left the relationship many times, due to all sorts of reasons, the main one being my girlfriend's jealousy of her husband and I. My 2 older children, 16 and 18 who dont live with me, found out about my relationship, and so far seem to be coping with it, but otherwise all our families and most of our friends dont know. that is really hard for me. I want to be able to tell everyone who I love.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 06-29-2012, 02:27 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 28
Default

Our closed FMF triad was a spectacular failure for the following reasons:

1) jealousy, on pretty much everyones part at one time or another
3) dishonesty, claiming to be at work or somewhere while with the other person, because M was afraid one of us might go out on a date or something if we knew he was busy with the other.
4) M complaining to one F partner about the other, sharing a lot of intimate details or other personal information without permission (drove us both nuts, not just me)
5) playing one partner against the other ("well if you won't, she will, I guess you really don't care about me as much as she does....")
6) Double standard. M was extremely jealous and I got tired of being accused of cheating when I wasn't, while he had this 2nd relationship.
7) lack of communication. I never knew if I was supposed to be there or if he was really hoping to see her that night.
8) we really didnt like each other all that much (the two Fs) or have much in common.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 06-29-2012, 03:42 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 90
Default

I'm new to this whole thing and in a closed triad. The one thing the three of us do ALL the time is talk, talk, talk.

There are some things coming up that we are going to have to talk about. For instance, Lovely and her daughter are going to live with us for a while because she is relocating to go to college here. She is going to get her own place, but until that happens they will live with us. So, things that are going to have to be discussed include helping to pay utilities. I don't expect the monthly amounts to go up too much, but that is something (I realized earlier this evening) that needs to be addressed.

In addition to that there are all the usual roommate things that have to be discussed.

So far we haven't run into any of the huge pitfalls that can plague closed triads. I had a very brief (seriously, like 5 minute) foray into a jealousy issue.

But, it will be nice to have some other closed triad peeps to chat with : )
__________________
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 06-29-2012, 07:02 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,374
Default

Cheryl, it sounds like you were in a vee, not a triad. Or were you and the other F involved despite not liking each other? You say there was a double standard because he had a 2nd relationship, but if it was a triad, so did you.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 06-10-2013, 04:17 PM
finallyhome finallyhome is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 9
Default questions

I have been involved in a triad for over a year. I have some questions and issues. My "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" have been married for 15 years. She insists on one-one sex with the husband however, believes it is not allowed for me. I feel very left out as a result. I am not asking to replace her after a years shouldn't she realize this? I mean I have needs to be met as well. I mean our time with all 3 together is amazing. But I sometimes would like some one- one time with him to reassure myself that I am more than an additional toy for that part of their marriage. Does this seem wrong or unfair? I know at one point she felt like I was trying to replace her so I think to get over that she has set this line in the sand. So I feel like I am just an object not a partner in the relationship. He wants to have a one-one relationship with both of us. I also have that I will always be second best feeling alot to the point I have considered ending the relationship but I truly love them both so very much! I am willing to suffer thru the feelings and push them aside not to hurt either of them. I know they care/ love me in return I am just not sure it is in the same way I do them

Last edited by finallyhome; 06-10-2013 at 04:27 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:05 PM
peabean peabean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 52
Default

I've been in a closed triad for over 2 years. We never intended to get into the relationship, it just kind of....happened. Just like you none of us had done anything poly-ish in the past. My husband and I were married for 8 years and never did any swinging or anything.

We live together, share finances, etc. We definitely had some rough patches with jealousy in the beginning, but that has largely gone away with tons of communication. I've grown enormously in this relationship, especially with respect to owning my feelings.

There is nothing obvious about being in a triad. For us dealing with fallout from telling our respective families has been challenging. We have one child (from before the triad started) and are trying for another. I'm not looking forward to dealing with the extended family issues that will come from that!

Anyway, feel free to message me with any specific questions.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 06-11-2013, 03:32 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,565
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by finallyhome View Post
I have been involved in a triad for over a year. I have some questions and issues. My "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" have been married for 15 years. She insists on one-one sex with the husband however, believes it is not allowed for me. I feel very left out as a result. I am not asking to replace her after a years shouldn't she realize this? I mean I have needs to be met as well. I mean our time with all 3 together is amazing. But I sometimes would like some one- one time with him to reassure myself that I am more than an additional toy for that part of their marriage. Does this seem wrong or unfair?
NO, it does not seem unfair. In healthy triads there is space made for all the dyads.


Husband and wife
Husband and gf
Wife and gf

Do you not also want one on one time with the wife? There's the big question. Is there so much jealousy between you two, but no romantic or sexual desire? Then it's not really a triad.

Quote:
I know at one point she felt like I was trying to replace her so I think to get over that she has set this line in the sand. So I feel like I am just an object not a partner in the relationship. He wants to have a one-one relationship with both of us. I also have that I will always be second best feeling alot to the point I have considered ending the relationship but I truly love them both so very much! I am willing to suffer thru the feelings and push them aside not to hurt either of them. I know they care/ love me in return I am just not sure it is in the same way I do them
This is so common when a couple catches a unicorn. No, you have rights and just need to put your needs and desires on the table. How can you live like that, feeling like a 2nd class citizen?

Why don't you move out and just date the husband one on one from the comfort of your own territory? Or something! Make a move.

READ THIS

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

From the article

Quote:
I have the right to be not just tolerated, but actively wanted by everyone in the primary relationship. I have the right to feel that I am not a problem or a compromise, but that I add value. This may sound unreasonable to some people, but the fact is, if I'm not wanted by my partner's partner, that has an effect on me.

When I am in a relationship with one person, I am in a relationship with all the other people that person is involved with, especially the primary partner(s)--even if there is no romantic connection between us! If I am resented in any way by them, that resentment serves to undermine the secondary relationship and keep it from being 'real'. It creeps into the rules that are created and the definitions that are set in place.

When one partner has problems with a poly relationship, it can tend to negatively affect a secondary partner, creating unhappiness for everyone. Compassion demands that everyone involved work to resolve any resentment that may exist on the part of any of the members of a primary relationship toward the secondary relationship.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-11-2013 at 03:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 06-11-2013, 07:34 PM
finallyhome finallyhome is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 9
Default wow so much to think over

Ok well I am not at a financial place where I can move out. Dating the husband would never be allowed. I am sexually attracted to both of them. I am not allowed (by her rules) to act on that with either of them alone. She doesn't have a strong sex drive as he and I do. She is more about the cuddling/snuggling. I provide that as does he on a regular basis either her and him or her and I. She is not very comfortable with this moving into a true triad. I am talking to her this evening because I can live there in their gargage apartment but I will have to end the sexual relationship with them. It is emotionally confusing and hurtful. She doesn't seem to grasp that I love them both and I want to develop a relationship with them both together and seperately. She says her opinion of this may change in time but my heart can't take much more.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 06-12-2013, 01:51 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,231
Default

So sorry you're in this situation. As has already been pointed out, while this type of behavior may be common, it's not okay, it's in fact quite cruel.

For her to read: http://davidlnoble.com/so-somebody-c...nicorn-hunter/
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
triad

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:40 PM.