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Old 06-10-2013, 06:15 AM
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zappafreak zappafreak is offline
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Wife has a new boyfriend and she is lost in this guy. It's difficult because he is so right for her. I'm happy for her. They have a wonderful time together. She is so happy with him...but he is (was) single and this is his first foray into the poly world. I have real concerns about her getting so swept up in him.

They have been seeing each other for about a month now. They see each other a lot. I don't like controlling their relationship, but I honestly think she is doing herself, and us, a disservice by letting herself get so wrapped up in him. I have talked with her about this several times and she doesn't seem to think it is an issue....she says "let's just see what happens".

Am I wrong for wanting to try and restrict the amount of time they spend together? I am feeling pretty conflicted on this.
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Old 06-10-2013, 06:23 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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A month is not a very long time AT ALL. Try to ride it out. Really. If this continues for more than a year, then start worrying.
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Old 06-10-2013, 01:57 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Is it that you want more time with her? If so, let her know and see what you can do about working a schedule so that everyone gets time.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
Is it that you want more time with her? If so, let her know and see what you can do about working a schedule so that everyone gets time.
Yes, ask for what you need rather than putting arbitrary limits on how much time she spends with her bf.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You don't have to have everything pre-solved -- just agree on HOW to be treating each other along the way so you can solve whatever comes up when it comes up.

Could tell her you are willing for her to date him, and don't want to change or control any of that. But you seem like you want to talk with her about your changing relationship with her in terms of "time management" and "emotional management" things.

Quote:
Am I wrong for wanting to try and restrict the amount of time they spend together? I am feeling pretty conflicted on this.
Her not spending time with BF does not automatically equal her spending more time with you. She could go spend all her time bowling or something.

How about asking for what you want if you want more time with her? Ask her out. It takes getting used to again when you've not had to share her time/attention for a while. To actually have to ask. Just ask her out on a date. See if that serves you better with time management.

On emotional management... Could talk to wife about AVOIDING poly hell with you as her new rship unfolds before hell actually happens. It's only a month in, but still. You are feeling the pinch now... could talk it out and prepare.

What needs of yours are being met/not met? Maybe in this transitional time where everyone is adjusting to a new player in the mix, you would like to have ______ need met?

Or you want to ask for social time for (you + her + BF) and (you + BF) if the desire/hope/expectation in this polyship is one where metas do the "meet & greet" to demystify the other one? To lower your anxiety about "the stranger."

What model is it that you guys are trying to build? A "V" of what kind? Maybe knowing what to expect in the model you are all trying to practice will help you with emotional management too. Help keep the anxiety to a volume you can handle?

My 2 cents,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-10-2013 at 02:46 PM.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:08 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
I don't like controlling their relationship, but I honestly think she is doing herself, and us, a disservice by letting herself get so wrapped up in him.
Sounds like you're trying to rationalize and romanticize your insecurity. You've talked to her about it and she disagrees with you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
Am I wrong for wanting to try and restrict the amount of time they spend together? I am feeling pretty conflicted on this.
You're looking at this backwards. Instead of looking at what you need to do to restrict her freedom, try looking at figuring out what you want and seeing if you can get it.

You want more time with her? Ask her if she's free tomorrow night for a movie and dinner. Bored because she's not hanging out with you? Get a hobby. Stop thinking about how you can better run her life and start thinking about how you need to run your own. I think you'll find the results will be much more positive than when you yank the choke chain on a loved one.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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How strange. I feel the opposite about this.

I do think it's OK to restrict the amount of time one's SO has with a new lover. In fact, I restricted myself whenever I had a new person in my life, to always spend more time with my primary (miss pixi) than with the latest newest shiniest toy.

I find once or twice a week (say one overnight and one longish but not overnight date) with anyone other than my primary to be reasonable. I know miss p would feel upset if I was going out with someone other than her, or having him overnight at our house, every night of the week! I know our bond would lessen if she and I didnt have copious amounts of together time.

Of course, I am crazy about miss p and WANT to spend tons of time with her. I'd miss her if I was always out with another, NRE be damned. Our established relationship intimacy (ERI) is so wonderful.

I can't imagine the yearning for the new toy to be so great I'd want miss pixi less.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:34 PM
sterling119 sterling119 is offline
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Just an insight from another poly couple....We are a v with her being the hinge and yes at first it seemed like she was very wrapped up in him but we knew some of it was the newness and new found freedom for her to have "2 husbands" so it seemed as if they were together quite a bit. Ours is limited some by him only being home on the weekends due to his work but what we came up with was a nice time split. He comes home sometime friday evening so with him being gone all week friday night is always "His night". I make sure to be either gone or leaving for the night about the time we know he is coming in. I spend the night at another place we have to give them that intimate time together. Sometimes they go out for the evening and then come home for some private bedroom time that she says is fantastic. They will sometimes go out in the morning as well on saturday and both are so happy for the time together that they can't thank me enough. Very nice to see her that happy and she more then makes up for it other times. Saturday is mine, we go through out normal routine and spend the night together doing out thing. Sometimes she will tell me about the night they spent together sometimes not but she is always so happy and relaxed it it worth it to give her that time on friday. Sunday is hit and miss. We are all here off and on and a lot of the time she does have some intimate time with him again but not all the time and we just go with the flow that day. Sunday night he leaves very late or very early monday what ever way you want to look at it. I have her the whole week and everyone is happy and content so it can work....relax and let the newness wear off a bit before putting your foot down. If it works like it does for us everyone gets what they want and is very happy.
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:34 PM
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zappafreak zappafreak is offline
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Thanks for all of the feedback, I appreciate it.

I very much like the perspective of looking at what I need, rather than concerning myself about what she is getting from him. It is easy to think "I'm not getting X because she is giving X to him". However, it is much better to think of it as "I want X from my wife, and I need to ask for it".

I agree that is a much more positive way of looking at this, and will be received in a much more positive light as well.

The biggest issue I have is regarding family time - we have an 8 year old daughter and I don't want her to miss out because we aren't at home together often enough. I also have a GF that I see a few times a week, so with my wife wanting to spend every other day with her new BF that has been a strain on that. We've talked about this, and I have told her that she is allowed to see him in a certain capacity...but on reflection, I think it is better to state what I feel I need from her, and what her family needs from her, and then let her work out what she wants to do with her time beyond that. I feel better about that, and I'm sure she will as well.

I also do want to make sure I get enough "us" time as well, so I will work on telling her what I need from her, rather than worry about what she is giving someone else.

Thanks all!
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Old 06-11-2013, 03:29 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post

I also have a GF that I see a few times a week, so with my wife wanting to spend every other day with her new BF that has been a strain on that. We've talked about this, and I have told her that she is allowed to see him in a certain capacity...

I also do want to make sure I get enough "us" time as well, so I will work on telling her what I need from her, rather than worry about what she is giving someone else.
Wait, what? You see your gf "a few" times a week, and your wife sees her bf every other day, aka "a few" times a week? But you don't want her to see her bf as often as you see your gf?

Hm.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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