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  #11  
Old 05-03-2011, 07:12 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Hey, just a short note on my end. Things settled down a bit and I am able to think in normal structures again. Which means, I am taking my time to sort things out, hopefully not over years as before, but well ... I am well aware of my own shortcommings

But what I wanted to honestly say to all of you: You are great! I really mean that. Over the last week I tried to find a similar forum for my two men to read and inform themselves ... and I found nothing. I don't know if there really is nothing out there or if I just searched the wrong places, but all I found, was unfriendly, intimidating, self-indulging, narcistic and what not. At least for the german community.

Your storries and experiences helped me such big time, I can't really start to put that into words. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being as honest as you are.

With sincere regards
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  #12  
Old 05-03-2011, 09:18 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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First of all, I think your English is impeccable.

I have been in similar shoes. I am so glad you shared here. I wish you all the best in your endeavor -- to be ethical in your feelings of love for two!
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  #13  
Old 05-03-2011, 11:23 PM
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I really appreciate your wishes, I hope they will help. But it surely helps to know that one is not alone. If there is no other way I will have to translate this whole forum for them ... would definitely be worth it.

And concerning the impeccable part of your comment *blushes and mumbles* I had to look up what this specific word tried to tell me
Still a long way to go in so many ways ^.^'
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  #14  
Old 06-19-2011, 08:41 AM
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Hey, again!

A lot has happened and I am not in dire need of advice like before, but some third party thoughts would be appreciated. Almost two months have passed and we kind of got 'it' (whatever it will be in the end) started. First of all, a little update to get what is going on.

On the 10th last week I visited my friend. It was his birthday. We agreed to spent 5 days together, because the way is really long (8 hours by train) and we just had to make sure how the dynamic between us would or could work. I was a nervous wreck most of the time, especially at first when I got there and later when I went home, but it was unbelievable positive as well. And it was so hard to keep the taboos we set and agreed on before to be able to get a clean start on things later on. Another day and … but well, we managed. Despite the fact that we only had a small room with nothing more than a bed in it. First hurdle: Check.

Back home I somehow managed to tell my husband what was going on as well. During the weeks before the visit I had thought about what could go wrong, what his reaction may be, how worse our daily life could become and so on. I worried myself sick at some point and got the feeling that nothing will be as it was before when I finally got on the train on Friday last week. As if I was leaving something precious behind without the chance to get it back. But everything took a different turn.

He was calm. And collected. He listened to my explanations and skipped to all possibilities and consequences he could think of in less than an hour. I was speechless. After the first misunderstandings like “Do you want to leave me?” and “Did anything happen between you two?” or “Do you love one more than the other?” everything went so smoothly that I was kind of worried by the fact that there was no drama. Of course he later on needed some time to get things sorted out and he slept really bad that night and the next one (meaning hardly any sleep at all) and his appetite declined. But, all in all he was really accepting and understanding and today, five days after this bad news had been dropped on him, he is back to his old self. Second hurdle: Check.

Well, here are my concerns: Is this really ok? He is sooo fast with everything that is going on. He talked to my friend on the third day, they talked for some hours and got along with each other quite harmoniously. Topics: living together, sex, jealousy, friendship, relationships, children, business and work and what not. One point that seems to be quite supportive is the fact that my husband thought of my friend as 'part of the family' already. And that he and I already have had some kind of relationship in the past. Not a physical intimate one, but an emotional.

So here comes my question: Is this fast progressing possible without hidden pitfalls that will make us stumble? There is no concrete talk about the second meeting despite the fact that my friend and I would like to, obviously, and that my husband understands how we feel and talks about 'the next upcoming weeks, let's see what happens'. Do I have to protect him from his own courage? I do not want this to end badly because we rushed things and my inner workings are a lot slower, I would never progress with such speed.
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  #15  
Old 06-20-2011, 02:58 PM
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Really there will always be stumbling blocks in any relationship dynamic. In poly they come up a bit faster I think. Being aware of that and being ready to slow down again is the best one can do.

None of the drama is the end of the world. It doesn't have to be the end of your relationships either. Its a matter of letting everything go and embracing anything that comes up. I have learned that you have to love the journey, love the work it takes if you want to be successful at being in a poly dynamic. Otherwise it will possibly eat you up from the inside from the pain and pushing of "the self" it can cause.
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  #16  
Old 06-20-2011, 05:52 PM
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Ah well yes, I am well aware that it will not go smoothly all the way. I was just wondering if I can take him by his words or if I should watch out for the rocks in his way for him because he may get his own possibilities wrong. I just do not want to hurt him more than I obviously already have and I am afraid that he may hurt himself by rushing things.

He set a date for the second meeting, it will be in three weeks. Maybe i am just too insecure about this, and worrying too much, but I would feel terrible if he sits at home during that weekend, going round in circles, regretting what he had planed now.

On the other hand I don't really know how to prevent this or to cope with it better than moving forward. Seems as if I am not quite there, 'to love the work it takes' so to speak. But thanks for your reply, I going to think about that point.
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