The Initial Conversation

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight

I still find myself lying awake at night, imagining myself with someone else, and feeling conflicted about that because it would tear up my wife.

I wanted to mention that poly relationships are often just like that, as no one person overlaps completely with another, but I bit my tongue.
I just wasn't up for the pain that would bring her, in a moment that she was happy for our son.

The conversations about poly are very painful, and inevitably, I end up getting the cold shoulder until I make some sort of capitulation, with her offering the excuse that she doesn't want to get hurt, so she has to pull back her feelings.
I think that's bullshit, as pulling back her feelings has to be causing her hurt, so she's claiming to be hurting herself (and me) to avoid getting hurt? Huh?

Life is short. I love my wife and do not want to lose her, but I'm getting tired of the hot/cold game, and I still feel held captive in a way. I can have my wife if I agree to only have my wife ("but you took a vow!" gets thrown back at me every time, as if I'm the same person I was in my twenties), but I'm the one being selfish.

All of that said, in day-to-day life, I am mostly happy, but there is still that feeling inside like I'm living a lie to do it, while she gets to pretend that I'm the same mono type of person that she is, despite really knowing (because I told her) that I'm not.

It dilutes the happiness, and I don't think she gets that. To be who I am, I'm afraid, I have to lose what I have, and that's a very high price to pay.

I broke down some really useful and interesting thoughts you have expressed. Are you telling her these thoughts? It sounds like you really know what is going on for you and have some idea about how you feel. Are you telling her how you feel? You seem to understand what is going on for her too. Could you check out if these assumptions are accurate by asking her?

Its all hard work, but can you really live feeling like you have to only half live? When will the half that isn't working start getting bigger and therefore lead to desperation? Why not start talking now, even if she hurts? Its all going to hurt, but it will hurt less in little bits and one does get used to it. Pain is a really useful thing if one can embrace it and look at "why." Maybe she needs to be invited into looking at it together. It is an incredibly bonding experience to walk together in this kind of thing. Maybe she needs to know that.

[nycindie]

Hi MT. My immediate response to your post was similar to what TP and RP have written. I wondered if you two are still going to therapy. I think it would be helpful. And I also feel that everything you've expressed in your post really needs to be said to your wife.

You are being so considerate and kind not to want to hurt her, but you are hurting yourself and ultimately your relationship by holding all this in. It will only eat away at you until resentment builds. There is a resentful tone starting to show already. I know she has threatened you if this is discussed again, but it seems to me that you must discuss it or you will drown in bitterness. You seem to take a step forward and then give up on yourself out of fear, and that's not good.

I think your wife needs to be in a therapy session with you and a third party in order to hear and understand -- so that she doesn't have all the control in the conversation. But you need to spill your guts to her -- everything your are feeling about her stubbornness, her unwillingness to listen, your sacrifices, your feeling imprisoned -- don't hold back. Remember, that is where the healing will begin! If the therapist you tried isn't right for you, there's got to be someone else you can see.

[MonoVCPHG]

I'm of two minds on this one.

On one side, I think some things are worth the risk if you are going to end up becoming more and more unhealthy. Be who you need to be because not following that path could lead to more destruction than going for it.

On the other hand, if you do chose to ignore a part of yourself because it causes you pain and threatens the life you want to keep, then commit to that path totally. Hanging out on a poly forum when you are trying to deny that part of yourself is like an alcoholic hanging out in a beer garden or a recovering gambler sitting in the casino...you're just torturing yourself.

Good luck my friend

[MorningTwilight]

Originally Posted by TruckerPete

Ah MT, I am so sorry to hear this.

Are you two still going to therapy?

Not presently. We backed away from the precipice, and a lot of $DAILY_LIFE stuff has been going on that needed attention.

That said, today there was somewhat of a breakthrough: she asked me how I was doing (it's always been the reverse up to now), and we talked. She knew that I wasn't completely happy, and said so, and I told her that although I wasn't seeking anyone out and had no one waiting on the side, I still felt somewhat of a captive. I also told her that I love her, and that I when I said I wanted to be with her for life, I meant it. She said the same back to me. She said she was scared, and I asked her why, she said it was because I wasn't happy. I told her that I wasn't miserable, and that I have my moments, times when I think about what it would be like to be with someone else, but I'm conflicted because I know that would tear her up.

The real breakthrough was that although she was scared, and she realizes that I'm not completely happy repressing the poly part of myself, THIS time, she didn't retreat into her shell and give me the cold shoulder. We remained affectionate. I made it a point to tell her that although she was scared, it made me very happy that she had not retreated into her shell, and I shed some happy tears over that with her.

Then followed a passionate time, and I'm still so much on a high from that that I cannot sleep.

It's another small step. Patience pays off. I don't want to push, but I'll nudge from time to time, as and when it feels like the time is right to do so.

[MorningTwilight]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

Hanging out on a poly forum when you are trying to deny that part of yourself is like an alcoholic hanging out in a beer garden or a recovering gambler sitting in the casino...you're just torturing yourself.

Good luck my friend

Thanks. That's one of the reasons I've taken a break from this forum for awhile. I'm back now, for awhile anyway, but the breaks will still need to happen. There is more to life than poly vs. mono, and it's healthy to spend some time in meatspace and experience it.

[nycindie]

This warms my heart to read. Yes, it is a breakthrough and evidence that no matter how difficult it can be to have patience, it does help.

[TruckerPete]

[redpepper]

Yay, good for you! Baby step.

[MorningTwilight]

I'm wondering when to take the next baby step. Every overture I make, no doubt, will be uncomfortable for her. She knows that life is short--she's made that very remark herself. I wonder how big a chasm remains to see that yes, life is short--too short to tie oneself to one person just because "society says so." It is a stunted life to deliberately shut oneself off emotionally from the many wonderful people one meets in a lifetime. True, one does not have to be sexual with all (or even any) of them, but emotional intimacy, and perhaps even some amount of physical affection, that would be nice.

I'll be batching it for a few weeks pretty soon, and I do want my wife to be able to trust me during that time, so I'm reluctant to nudge any until she returns from an extended family visit. It'd be mighty nice to be able to at least flirt, though.

[MorningTwilight]

So, now I'm to the "batching it" that I mentioned above, while my wife and son visit family out of state, and I'm driving myself nuts. It is perhaps unhealthy to stay inside one's own head too long, too often.

I have been terribly tempted to go meet people, and by people I mean women, but I have refrained, as we do not yet have an agreement about what is permissible and what isn't, beyond a very general "don't get physical with anyone without mutual agreement," agreement which I acknowledged at the time was unlikely to be forthcoming.

I live like a hermit: I get up, go to work, come home, maybe ride my bicycle, work some more, do some chores, and go to bed. I'm still living in fear, it seems, of meeting someone and connecting, as I'm going to get heartbroken (again) when i cannot follow through. Perhaps I am reading more into the situation than actually exists, but I feel like I would be sneaking around if I went out, even if looking merely for social interaction and a little flirting. I do not want to go out to deliberately be out alone--I can do that here at home, and much more cheaply, too.

Bad case of the lonelies, I guess, with a heap of frustrated on the side.