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  #11  
Old 04-24-2011, 02:31 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
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Ok, excuse me if this post is pretty selfish or immature, but I need to work through these feelings I am having right now and you guys seems to be great at helping with that.

Last year, when he canceled and we finally worked things out, the agreement WAS to put things on hold until his child was a little older, his wife was feeling more secure, and he had the time to bring me back into his life. I don't think he was very straight with me at that time. He specifically said there was NO WAY for him to get away, and that when he could he'd come to see me. The earliest would be say June. Then he went on this concert.

I expressed my hurt feelings, but I didn't make a big deal about it. I just said I wouldn't go to the concert, and that he should still come and see me when he could. The stress of traveling and finding sitters willing to stay with my mom just seemed too much, especially when I was questioning how much this guy was actually committed to me.

But he kept asking and I decided to go. And here I am having the exact same feelings I had when he canceled his visit last year.

Also, the situation with my mom changed. Instead of her maybe living on for years, giving him enough time to meet her, she's dying now. And yeah, I'm struggling to accept that he'll never meet her. That's another reason I'm so hung up on this.

I'm still waiting to talk to him about this today, so I need to put my fucking brain on hold until then.
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  #12  
Old 04-24-2011, 06:30 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hullo and welcome!

My mum has cancer too, and I have been involved with death care of two close family members. So I do feel for you.

Is it possible you are trying to create some sort of diversion from a difficult life situation with this man? Did you break up with your ex while your mum was dying? I truly get (I have been the live-in caretaker for both my mum and girlfriend these past few months) the need to take a break, go out and do something fun. You have to be strong for the sake of those you are supporting, so you really really need somebody to console and support you too. There is nothing selfish or evil in this.

However, there is a time for everything. A lot of your emotional energy is invested in this guy at the time when you need all the energy you can get.

I don't deal well with emotional unavailability. That is not something I want or need in my life. I think you need to ask yourself a) is this guy atm available to me in a way I would want and need? and b) is he ever likely to be?

Lots of love and power hugs! You are not alone.
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  #13  
Old 04-24-2011, 08:54 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Hullo and welcome!

My mum has cancer too, and I have been involved with death care of two close family members. So I do feel for you.

Is it possible you are trying to create some sort of diversion from a difficult life situation with this man? Did you break up with your ex while your mum was dying? I truly get (I have been the live-in caretaker for both my mum and girlfriend these past few months) the need to take a break, go out and do something fun. You have to be strong for the sake of those you are supporting, so you really really need somebody to console and support you too. There is nothing selfish or evil in this.

However, there is a time for everything. A lot of your emotional energy is invested in this guy at the time when you need all the energy you can get.

I don't deal well with emotional unavailability. That is not something I want or need in my life. I think you need to ask yourself a) is this guy atm available to me in a way I would want and need? and b) is he ever likely to be?

Lots of love and power hugs! You are not alone.
I have been reading and rereading this post. While everything you guys has said has been helpful, this post in particular seems so on the mark. I've even admitted to myself and him before that I may be obsessing over this because it's easier than thinking about my mother's death constantly.

Yes, my fiance and I ended things when I moved in with my mother. He had been very depressed for a long time, and became very dependent on me and not doing much to help himself. When I became overwhelmed with helping my mother he couldn't return the favor and be there for me, so it ended. I still love the man, we are just too young for that kind of commitment. We are friends now.

And everything else you said, too. I need the emotional support, but can I make myself stop wanting it from him specifically? Or is it ok for me to need him to do what he said he wanted to do? Can he become a more normal part of my life, or am I going to have to accept these serious limitations forever(definite deal breaker)? These are all thoughts that are running through my head right now. And him not coming after everything seems to be confirming my biggest fears, that he's not interested in prioritizing anyone but his wife, making me nothing more than the other woman that can never be talked about.

Thanks guys for helping me figure out what my exact concerns are. Can't wait to actually talk to him about these things and again focus on what's actually in front of me. I do fear that I'm going to need actual action from him to believe that things will change, that words won't be enough anymore. Which, I am afraid is not going to work out because he is in such a tight spot now...I'm guessing the end result will be us putting things on hold until he feels like he can come here and seeing at that time if it's not too late to salvage things.

but I need to stop speculating now. Going spend time with the family and forgetting about this until he can talk to me.

Last edited by mettwo; 04-24-2011 at 09:02 PM.
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