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Old 04-23-2011, 07:08 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
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Default New to this, with a couple who is also new to this. Please help.

OK, I have been really close friends with this guy for about ten years now. A few years ago we began seeing each other casually. Basically, a few times a year we'd get together for ~week long trips.

Then, things began to get more serious, we admitted our feelings for each other, and began talking about how to make things work out between the three of us(his primary being his wife). He got multiple books for us to read, we read the first together (sex at dawn), then The Ethical Slut, which he never read despite my frequent requests for him to because...

During this time my mother became very ill with breast cancer. And his wife got pregnant. I had asked him to come and visit me in my home town (which would be for the first time). He wanted to meet my mother and do a great deal in the house, basically helping out where we needed. He flaked on this trip. Saying that the TSA freaked him out, so he couldn't get past security. And also later admitted that he felt really guilty leaving his pregnant wife alone.

This cause a huge problem between us, I felt very betrayed and abandoned. I took it very personally. Then, we worked things out, he said he'd try to visit. Though he would be able to come right after his child was born (understandable) and that the soonest he'd be able to leave his family to see me would be around June.

Well, he wound up scheduling a trip across the country for a concert in April and begged me to go, saying he'd still come to see me for sure. After agreeing to go, he then said that it'd still be really hard to come and see me, and he didn't know when. I suppose that was a huge red flag to me and I should have protected myself by not going on to the concert with him, but I went anyway. I chose to trust him because he has been such a wonderful friend to me for so long.

Now he is again saying that he doesn't know when he'll be able to get away. Actually saying that his wife did "pretty well" with the kid alone but that it was "hard." That his family really needs him, etc.

My personal feelings are that he knows I need him too, and I don't think I'm asking for very much. Taking care of a dying parent at the age of 23 is probably much harder taking care of an infant that his wife wanted to have. I'm hurt that he bailed on me and then scheduled a fun trip away for himself instead of coming to see me when I needed him.

My mom is now with hospice and I am still her sole care taker. I really want him to come and see me for comfort, just for a short weekend. And he's saying again that he can't get away so soon. I am upset that he chose to get away to a concert but is unwilling to make the time to see me. He talks about how much work it is to prepare things at home for him to be away, but he did it for a concert and I feel like he should be able to do it for me too. Or if he knew he couldn't do something like that twice, he should have come to see me.

I really feel like I am not asking for very much. A weekend with my boyfriend for comfort while I am grieving. He gets upset when I try to talk about it and blows me off.

I really feel like I'm at the end of my rope with this. That I am not being treated fairly, and should move on.

I do worry that I am giving a very one sided analyses of the situation. So what do you guys think? I know he has a new born (and it's his first child), but he knew what he was getting into when he took a second partner and I really feel like I'm not asking for too much.

What do you guys think? Should I just accept that he can't be here for me while I am losing my mother? Or am I right to think that this is unfair to me and I should maybe give up on this relationship?
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:31 PM
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Now he is again saying that he doesn't know when he'll be able to get away. Actually saying that his wife did "pretty well" with the kid alone but that it was "hard." That his family really needs him, etc.

My personal feelings are that he knows I need him too, and I don't think I'm asking for very much. Taking care of a dying parent at the age of 23 is probably much harder taking care of an infant that his wife wanted to have. I'm hurt that he bailed on me and then scheduled a fun trip away for himself instead of coming to see me when I needed him.

My mom is now with hospice and I am still her sole care taker. I really want him to come and see me for comfort, just for a short weekend. And he's saying again that he can't get away so soon. I am upset that he chose to get away to a concert but is unwilling to make the time to see me. He talks about how much work it is to prepare things at home for him to be away, but he did it for a concert and I feel like he should be able to do it for me too. Or if he knew he couldn't do something like that twice, he should have come to see me.

I really feel like I am not asking for very much.
A weekend with my boyfriend for comfort while I am grieving. He gets upset when I try to talk about it and blows me off.
Are you for real? Are you seriously saying that having a baby is easy compared to what you've got going on in your life? Granted, it's tough to be a caregiver for a parent, but you need to find support elsewhere. She needs her husband. I would never ask anyone to leave their wife to be with me when they've just had a baby. To expect that and feel like it's unfair for him to choose to be with his wife and child is rather selfish and immature on your part. You must have no understanding of the stress involved in taking care of a newborn and the changes it creates in a family and for a couple.

I'm also not quite clear on one thing. Is he cheating on his wife with you or is he totally out in the open about you with her?
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-23-2011 at 08:34 PM.
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:45 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
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I agree that it is not easy at all, that was my emotions talking since this has been an ongoing problem for months. He did agree to come and then canceled on me. My mother is about to die and it just meant a lot to me.

I get it though, perhaps I am in the wrong. While taking care of a new born is extremely rough, taking care of a confused, delirious, dying woman with a horrible open wound for a year straight and then facing her death is...well, much like having a sick infant that will never grow older, only die.

His wife and him have a "don't ask don't tell policy" which I totally get is not a good way to go about polyamory...but I can't do anything about it.

I guess you are probably right. I need to back off. Find someone else to help me with this. I'm not close to anyone else at the moment, my fiance of 5 years and I broke up last year, so I'm all kinds of messed up right now.
I dunno, he told me point blank that he would not be able to get away from the family at all. And then went away for something I see as far less important that seeing me. But perhaps he just needed the break, and coming to see me at this time would not exactly be a break. I just wish he would have communicated that to me.

I am an emotional wreck right now, and hopefully you can be just as sympathetic to that as you are to the new parents. Your blunt honesty is appreciated, though.
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:12 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Mettwo,
I'm with you on this one. If he could manage to set things up to go to a concert and not be too worried about leaving wife and baby at home.....he surely could have managed to come see you as you asked. My former husband would go on business trips a week at a time when we had babies/toddlers at home (one of whom had some special needs). I managed just fine without him for those short periods of time. And as someone whose been a parent and is now a social worker in hospice care......caregiving an elderly parent is one of the most difficult jobs you'll ever face. It's a heck of alot easier to change a newborn's diaper than an adult's! If we were talking about him visiting you for weeks on end or indefinitely would that be fair to his wife and newborn??? No...but we're not talking about extensive time away. All you were asking for was a weekend.

While he and his wife have a DADT policy, she still has accepted his desire for polyamorous relationships at some level. I'm not convinced they're able to handle the reality of such.

To give him the benefit of the doubt....maybe he's just not comfortable with death and dying. Many people aren't.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 04-23-2011 at 09:18 PM.
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:18 PM
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I was the legal guardian for my mother before she passed away, so I know how hard it is. While a romance and closeness with a beau might seem like a good distraction, you can also get good support from friends and relatives, if possible. Your emotions are running high already, so complicating that with lovers and the kind of comfort they can give could muck things up even more, especially if there are any unresolved issues. You have enough drama going on, you don't need more!

Have you looked into seeing if there are any support groups for caregivers in your area? Usually that is something that is made available by organizations, hospitals, or town and county social services departments -- and often free or low-cost. You are very young to be going through this and perhaps a more structured system of support would be more helpful than what a lover can provide.
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:31 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
Mettwo,
I'm with you on this one. If he could manage to set things up to go to a concert and not be too worried about leaving wife and baby at home.....he surely could have managed to come see you as you asked.
This. If something as unimportant as a concert can get him away from home, then visiting a partner in need wouldn't be a problem.

He's established a pattern. If you think it's going to change, shame on you. What people do is a much better indicator of what they actually think and feel and his actions indicate you simply aren't important to him.
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:50 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
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In the spirit of keeping communication open, I'm going to share this thread with him. I think all of you are making pretty valid points. I'm thinking at this point that if he had been more clear to me about needing a break from things, thus going on the fun trip rather than coming to me, I'd be less upset right now. But I also see where my behavior may have made him feel like he couldn't be honest with me (I was EXTREMELY emotional after he canceled his trip to see me). And, of course, I'm still hurting from his choice to go to a concert rather than here. I just don't know.

Hopefully this will get us talking and working things out.

Last edited by mettwo; 04-23-2011 at 09:55 PM.
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Old 04-23-2011, 10:34 PM
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A friend recently said to me, "Don't make someone a priority if they make you an option."
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Old 04-24-2011, 06:32 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
A friend recently said to me, "Don't make someone a priority if they make you an option."
I like to follow this, good advice. Although I'm not sure for this case... I have a different opinion.

I see a man that just had a new born and feels like his "dad" life is over taking his "guy" life so he had an option, go visit the woman that could cause some shit to hit the fan at home? Or go to a concert. How much drama could he cause from each thing and what is his best option of the too as a result of figuring that out. I would pick the concert myself.

I would imagine that his partner with the baby is feeling overwhelmed, anxious about being a mum, feeling perhaps fat, ugly and undesirable too and the last thing she would want to have to deal with is her DADT policy. I would also think that the last thing he would want to do is go from one woman who is stressed, anxious and overwhelmed, to another who is stressed, anxious and overwhelmed... the man needed a break, not more of the same.... cut him some slack! Geesh, going to a concert was the best bet! Where is the compersion here?!

I have to say, I'm not big on the "she thinks she has it hard, well I have it harder" bit. I think you would be better off saying, "look honey, you have a new born, I have a mum who is dying; lets take a break for 6 months and see where we are at, cause neither of us have time for this right now." That to me would of been respectful, thoughtful, considerate and progressive thing to do. That way you could concentrate, not on finding a new man that apparently will jump right in there as the shoulder to cry on and soul supporter of you in your hour of need (this generally doesn't go over well when dating I have discovered), but to concentrate on these last moments with your mother and come together with your family.

I'm sorry about your mum, truly I am, but I really think you are spending far too much time thinking about yourself and who should be doing stuff for you, and not enough time focusing on what is important ie. your mum and all that comes with a loved one who dies. I really don't think a man who just had a baby is what is important right now... do you?
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Old 04-24-2011, 02:09 PM
mettwo mettwo is offline
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I'm sorry about your mum, truly I am, but I really think you are spending far too much time thinking about yourself and who should be doing stuff for you, and not enough time focusing on what is important ie. your mum and all that comes with a loved one who dies. I really don't think a man who just had a baby is what is important right now... do you?
I really NEED to make a comment on this real quick. Taking care of my mother, making her happy, making sure she has happy memories with her other child (who is a drug addict and doing his best to ruin his last days with her), and spending quality time with her myself have been my main priorities for a long ass time. I see how my post may make me look really selfish here, but I did come asking for advice on a specific problem, not to share my life story. Thanks.

Quote:
I have to say, I'm not big on the "she thinks she has it hard, well I have it harder" bit.
I totally agree that that is some stupid crap that never should have come out of my mother (or fingers.)

Last edited by mettwo; 04-24-2011 at 02:33 PM.
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